Paying=Controlling??

sherielena · February 2012

Happy Tuesday all ;-)

Ok so my parents are paying for my wedding, for everything. Which I beyond appreciate because as we all know, these are quite costly events! This also means that I know they will get to have quite a bit of say since after all they are paying. But at what point do I draw the line? I mean it's still MY wedding right? My mom is on a roll, she's got everything all figured out. If I disagree with her on something or tell her I don't like her idea she jumps all over me and tells me I don't have an open mind. But I feel like no one is asking me what I want or what I like. She even went to look at venues without me and was trying to pick my bridesmaids and flower girls. It just so happened that this past weekend I went to a bridal show with my MOH and my mom was out of town so she did not attend. That afternoon I recieved a voicemail from my dad saying I better call my mom right away and fill her in on the bridal show so that her feelings don't get hurt. Im sorry, WHAT?! How do I spend the next year planning WITH my mom instead of against her? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I want to feel like I have some say and control in all of this.

tldh · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_payingcontrolling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6c1597a-4d59-4d0a-855f-71207d096da0Post:a980565a-b608-4191-a112-24cea7bd6770">Paying=Controlling??</a>:
[QUOTE]Happy Tuesday all ;-) Ok so my parents are paying for my wedding, for everything. Which I beyond appreciate because as we all know, these are quite costly events! This also means that I know they will get to have quite a bit of say since after all they are paying. But at what point do I draw the line? I mean it's still MY wedding right? My mom is on a roll, she's got everything all figured out. If I disagree with her on something or tell her I don't like her idea she jumps all over me and tells me I don't have an open mind. But I feel like no one is asking me what I want or what I like. She even went to look at venues without me and was trying to pick my bridesmaids and flower girls. It just so happened that this past weekend I went to a bridal show with my MOH and my mom was out of town so she did not attend. That afternoon I recieved a voicemail from my dad saying I better call my mom right away and fill her in on the bridal show so that her feelings don't get hurt. Im sorry, WHAT?! How do I spend the next year planning WITH my mom instead of against her? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I want to feel like I have some say and control in all of this.
Posted by sherielena[/QUOTE]

You need to sit down with her and go over what she sees for your wedding and what you and your FI see for it. Tell her that you feel like you are being shut out of your own wedding. If you cann't agree, then you have to be prepared to tell her thank you for the offer to pay but you and your FI will be paying for your own wedding.

Please also keep in mind that your mom may come from a generation where the MOB planned the whole thing and the bride just showed up. I was lucky that my mom didn't interfere with any planning but unfortunately it was because she remembered how awful her mom had made her feel by controlling everything and having to have it all her way. My dad and his friends started calling grandma Sarge because she was like one of their army sergeants barking orders. My mom didn't get to enjoy her own wedding.

pgcp · February 2012

I think it would be wise to sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Let her know that at the end of the day you want all of you to be happy with the wedding. Ask her what her top priorities are (food, flowers, cake?) and let her know what yours are (music, colors, venue?) and what your absolute non-negotiable are, for you that should include your wedding party. If there are things she has a strong opinion on that you don't really care about, let her have at it and don't get involved, and ask her to do the same for you.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

Talk with her about how you are feeling. If she still decides that she must control everything then politely decline the money.

You need to ask yourself...would you rather have a smaller wedding that is paid for by you and your FI but is exactly what you want or a larger wedding that you absolutely hate and don't feel a part of?

MairePoppy · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_payingcontrolling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6c1597a-4d59-4d0a-855f-71207d096da0Post:4655f96b-0dc3-479a-ad9f-3a7b18c6c28a">Re: Paying=Controlling??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Paying=Controlling?? : You need to sit down with her and go over what she sees for your wedding and what you and your FI see for it. Tell her that you feel like you are being shut out of your own wedding. If you cann't agree, then you have to be prepared to tell her thank you for the offer to pay but you and your FI will be paying for your own wedding.<em><strong>

Please also keep in mind that your mom may come from a generation where the MOB planned the whole thing and the bride just showed up. I was lucky that my mom didn't interfere with any planning but unfortunately it was because she remembered how awful her mom had made her feel by controlling everything and having to have it all her way. My dad and his friends started calling grandma Sarge because she was like one of their army sergeants barking orders. My mom didn't get to enjoy her own wedding.</strong></em>
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

ditto everything, especially the bolded part.

I'm an MOB who's mother planned her entire wedding. Any disagreements over wedding issues were settled with a reminder that she and dad were paying and had the final say. She 'surprised' me with things that I specifically told her I didn't want - like telling the band we wanted a money dance. I was allowed to pick the color of the decorations on my cake, as long as the cake was vanilla. She allowed me to choose my dress, which I was paying for, as long as it was virginal white, because she didn't want her friends talking. I was allowed to make the menu selection from a list of 3 or 4 items that she had narrowed down. She tried to choose the processional, for our church ceremony, but the vocalist refused her request. My list could go on and on.

I feel your pain, but I have to say this: Some parents give their children the gift of $$ to plan the wedding they want. Others, like yours, want complete control over how their money is being spent. And there are many degrees in between. You should figure out which things are most important to you and pay for them , yourself, so that you may have complete control over them. As far as choosing the wedding party - that's not a budgetary issue, so that is not your mother's decision.

You could tell your mom about The Knot and the Moms and Maids board. It might open her eyes.

Good luck.

melntaitt · February 2012

I actually had this conversation with both MOB and MOG because we had very different expectations of what this wedding would look like. I have to tell you that my mother was very hurt that she wouldn't be planning my wedding in Barbados where I was born and raised. My FIs mother was pretty floored too since they both expected I would hand over the reigns to my mom because apparently in large Catholic families, that's really just what happens.

I thanked my mom profusely for the very generous offer but I knew that if I did that, many of my friends wouldn't be able to attend and I knew what I wanted. I paid most of this myself but my parents generously offered $$ instead. My FIs mom offered $$ as well. I think they're realizing this is a different generation with different expectations.

I would talk to mom about it and see what she says; I think you will be pleasantly surprised...or not but at least you tried. It doesn't seem like she's holding the money as leverage, but just jiving to her own beat, Definitely talk to her

JaxInBlue · February 2012

I agree with PPs. Money is power - especially in wedding planning. I really like the idea of you and your FI talking to your mom (and other parents involved) about which elements and items are most important to you and where you are less interested.

DH and I had quite a bit of success with these, even though we split wedding costs evenly with my folks, and my mom wasn't a power tripper at all. For us, since the ceremony and the food were important to us, we put our efforts there. My mom had a lot of say in details - decorations, favors, flower vases, etc. She felt really involved and I loved the help since I was planning long distance.

Be honest with your mom about what is important to you and let her tell you what is important to her. Try to find the middle ground if you can, and don't be afraid to decline the money if you feel you need to.

Muffin'sMom · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_payingcontrolling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6c1597a-4d59-4d0a-855f-71207d096da0Post:58a1a79a-a19b-40be-ab42-50e637044d09">Re: Paying=Controlling??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Paying=Controlling?? : ditto everything, especially the bolded part. I'm an MOB who's mother planned her entire wedding. Any disagreements over wedding issues were settled with a reminder that she and dad were paying and had the final say. She 'surprised' me with things that I specifically told her I didn't want - like telling the band we wanted a money dance. I was allowed to pick the color of the decorations on my cake, as long as the cake was vanilla. She allowed me to choose my dress, which I was paying for, as long as it was virginal white, because she didn't want her friends talking. I was allowed to make the menu selection from a list of 3 or 4 items that she had narrowed down. She tried to choose the processional, for our church ceremony, but the vocalist refused her request. My list could go on and on. I feel your pain, but I have to say this: Some parents give their children the gift of $$ to plan the wedding they want. Others, like yours, want complete control over how their money is being spent. And there are many degrees in between. You should figure out which things are most important to you and pay for them , yourself, so that you may have complete control over them. As far as choosing the wedding party - that's not a budgetary issue, so that is not your mother's decision. You could tell your mom about The Knot and the Moms and Maids board. It might open her eyes. Good luck.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I can totally relate to this, because it happened to me too. The only thing I remember is trying on dresses (and she bullied me to get the one she wanted) and talking about the soloist. She did absolutely everything else. Your mom may be roughly our age, and thinks that's the way it should be. Talk to her and then be prepared to decline the money if she will not meet you somewhere in the middle.

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