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What do I do??

snickfacesnickface member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids

Last week my FMIL made some inappropriate comments about the minister that is marrying us. For me this was the last straw due to other comments she had made over the past few weeks. I got very upset, cried for awhile (on my finacee"s shoulder) and proceeded to tell FMIL how hurt I felt and that it needed to stop. We actually had a pretty good conversation. Tonight, my fiancee's step mother wanted me to justify to her why only one of her three children were in the wedding party. Aside from me telling her who my bridal party consisted of (BFF, two sisters, SIL) she told me I had an obligation to the family to put them in. I was firm that the decision is final and that its our choice, not hers who we have stand for us. Again, I got upset. cried and began shouting at her. As soon as I did it I knew my behavior was wrong, however felt she wasn't respecting our decision. I quickly apologized for raising my voice, she however continued to go on about obligation and family. I fear the relationship will never be the same. Any advice on how to proceed with the step mother and unsolicited comments???? Thanks!

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Re: What do I do??

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    The real victims in all of this are his sisters whose mother is literally forcing them onto you. How embarrassing for them!
    Your fiance really needs to step in, too, as it's his side of the family that is fighting with you. Besides being a shoulder to cry on, he should have your back, too.
     Is there a reason he can't have them on his side?
    Is his step-mother paying for any portion of the wedding?
    Have you considered a compromise, like having them do a reading?

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Where is your FI in the second conversation?

    Apologize to MIL for raising your voice.  "MIL, I'm sorry for raising my voice about the weddiing party to you.  Would you like some tea?"

    If she still asks, just say, "Oh I'm not going to discuss that, cream and sugar?"

    And your FI needs to say, "Mom, the matter is CLOSED."  If he's not speaking up for your joint decisions, you have a FI problem .
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  • Krempn14Krempn14
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Banana. Your fiance needs to back you up. But in the meantime, I would continue to change the subject, and one last time just tell her- everything is done, the decision is made, that's that. My FMIL was bit irked that I had asked my cousin to be in our wedding (he just turned 18, an only child (his only sibling died) and his mother died last year- he looks to my sister and me as siblings)... and she kept insisting I just have him hand out programs. I refused, respectfully... I explained the situation and that was that.
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    >>my fiancee's step mother wanted me to justify to her why only one of her three children were in the wedding party.

    The people on the bride's side (MOH, BMs, any kids) are the bride's closest friends.  They've been with her through thick and thin, etc.  The kids would be kids who have been in the bride's life since they were born, and the bride has an active relationship with them, so obviously they would be in her wedding party.

    Same on the groom's side for the male attendants.

    Now, if your fiance's stepmother has three kids who are SUPERCLOSE to FI, and he has an active relationship with them - like he spends one weekend a month taking them to the park or whatever, then all three should be ON HIS SIDE in the wedding party.

    If the kids do NOT meet that criteria, then they aren't eligible to be in the wedding party, no matter what kind of DNA or blood/marriage relations they have.
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  • TimsGirl10TimsGirl10 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree that your FI needs to be the one to step up and stand up for the decsion you have made.  If he can't stand up to his mother/step mother now on an issue as simple as your wedding party, I fear you are in for many a time where he wont stand up for you/your family/your marriage when your FMIL starts meddling in other aspects of your life. 

    If FMIL brings it up again, just firmly tell her that that topic is not open for discussion and change the subject!  Easier said than done, I know.
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  • Lisa8888Lisa8888
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Your FI should deal with his family on this topic. However, you have to stop with the crying and raising of your voice.
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  • snickfacesnickface member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone for your responses! My FI has been on my side since day one of  our relationship and now with the wedding planning. He has also stepped up and spoken to both FMIL and step mother about the decisions we have made together and that our decisions are final. While his mother has respected that, unfortunately his step-mother appears to continue to feel slighted. My FI and I hope that his step brother will still join us in our wedding party, as for his step-mother, our wedding day will still be wonderful whether she joins us or not. Thanks again for the suggestions!
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