Pastor drama?

RockinWhite · January 2012

So my hunny is Christian and I'm not and he said one thing that's really important to him is that we're married by a Christian minister (which is fine with me) and we want to get married near or on the beach. But he said today his Mom told him that she heard that pastors A: won't marry you outside a church and B: require you do marriage couseling first. His parents used to be 7th day advensts but left the church many years ago so I wasn't sure if that was just the 7th day advents that won't let you marry outside the church or if that was all Christianity? If it is, is there a way we could get an officiant from the courts to marry us that will do it a specific religions way?

redheadfsu · January 2012

Does your FI or his mother go to church? Have they spoken to their pastor/priest? (ETA: I know you said they left that one, but did they find another?)

While some (like Catholic) must perform the marriage in church, many do not require it. I'm sure you can find a nondenominational pastor, or an officiant that will incorporate God & scriptures in the ceremony. I would not freak out about this now. Just start looking around for someone now.

Maybe try your local board for recommendations as to specific pastor/priest/officiant.

<----Local boards

RockinWhite · January 2012

His parents found a new church but my FI doesn't really like church much. We didn't have anyone in particular in mind, I had just never heard anything like that so I wasn't sure if it was true.

acaponi87 · January 2012

There are many ministers that will marry you outdoors and without counseling.

Something you may want to try and find is an officiant company, rather than someone tied to a specific church..
We are doing this and we get to make our ceremony EXACTLY as we want..secular, spiritual or very religious. Most of the officiants employed by the company are Christian ministers. Ours is.

maribeth721 · January 2012

My best friend was married by a pastor and neither of them attend church and they were not married in a church. I think it all depends on pastor.

redheadfsu · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_pastor-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:26cb2af5-cefd-4303-be99-1f2e9e8db3f2Post:a8c24271-b329-4fa6-8236-a7afa8c1f152">Re: Pastor drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]His parents found a new church but my FI doesn't really like church much. We didn't have anyone in particular in mind, I had just never heard anything like that so I wasn't sure if it was true.
Posted by RockinWhite[/QUOTE]

Well, his mother is correct that some require counseling and it must be in church- but not all do. If you are open to any Christian minister, I'm sure you will be able to find someone that will make your ceremony great.

artbyallie · January 2012

If he doesn't like church, I don't quite understand why he's so set on having a minister. But you could look into the Unitarian Universalist Church. You will still likely be asked to do at least a short session of counseling or something like it, but they are willing to marry anyone, anywhere.

ETA: And counseling is a good thing regardless, don't be scared of it. (Don't know if that's why you mentioned it, but they're not going to judge you in counseling)

ElisabethJoanne · January 2012

I wasn't sure if that was just the 7th day advents that won't let you marry outside the church or if that was all Christianity?
No, it's not all of Christianity. Lots of Christian ministers officiate at outdoor ceremonies.
If it is, is there a way we could get an officiant from the courts to marry us that will do it a specific religions way?
Yes

palrmt · January 2012

I hired an officiant that was not affiliated with a specific church and he basically gives you 4 options to choose from - secular, spiritual, religious, and custom written. He requires one session of counseling but it was actually very insightful and I am glad we did it. He also doesnt have a problem marrying us outside.

kimiandgary · January 2012

You should be able to find a Christian minister to officiate an outdoor wedding- there is nothing in scriptures against it.

Requiring premarital counseling is a matter of choice for each minister. My cousin and I both went to counseling with our now-exes and it did't help at all (obviously). But some people get a lot out of it..

Just my two cents

toothpastechica · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_pastor-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:26cb2af5-cefd-4303-be99-1f2e9e8db3f2Post:4099fbb3-2700-4c32-a6ef-b50ae9a591bf">Re: Pastor drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]If he doesn't like church, I don't quite understand why he's so set on having a minister. You will still likely be asked to do at least a short session of counseling or something like it, but they are willing to marry anyone, anywhere. ETA: And counseling is a good thing regardless, don't be scared of it. (Don't know if that's why you mentioned it, but they're not going to judge you in counseling)
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

Im with this....most pastors will require some form of premarital...but the pre-marital sessions are to help you understand your partner better and to make sure you have talked about important relationship issues before you are suprised by them after getting married. Statistics show that people who do some form of pre-marital counselling are more then twice as likely to stay together (not get divorced within the first 10 years) so i would recommend it regardless of religous background. Also if you are non religious most pastors will take that into consideration and will make sure the pre-marital sessions are the most helpful to you where you are at in life as possible.

RockinWhite · January 2012

Just so everyone knows I never said I was "afraid" or "didn't want to do" the councelling. I know why they make people do it, it is a good idea. A lot of people don't talk about the hard issues like how punishment will work with children and budgetting but me and my hunny have talked about all those things and more. We both wanted to make sure we were on the same page about stuff like that so that we knew our relationship was going somewhere. But if the minister wants us to do it or even if my hunny says he wants to I never said I was opposed. It's a bit hard since he's deployed right now but we could squeeze it in before the wedding. The *real* issue was the getting married outside the church thing not the counselling (as you'll see if you read my original post)

And he doesn't like church because a lot of the ones he's gone to he feels like people are too fake (one of the things I didn't like when I was Christian) but that doesn't mean a minister marrying us shouldn't be important to him. He's more Christian and Godly than most of the Christians I know without him going to church.

Sydney91 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_pastor-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:26cb2af5-cefd-4303-be99-1f2e9e8db3f2Post:93c8f6a4-53b4-4791-9463-327111e7f65e">Re: Pastor drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just so everyone knows I never said I was "afraid" or "didn't want to do" the councelling. I know why they make people do it, it is a good idea. A lot of people don't talk about the hard issues like how punishment will work with children and budgetting but me and my hunny have talked about all those things and more. We both wanted to make sure we were on the same page about stuff like that so that we knew our relationship was going somewhere. But if the minister wants us to do it or even if my hunny says he wants to I never said I was opposed. It's a bit hard since he's deployed right now but we could squeeze it in before the wedding. The *real* issue was the getting married outside the church thing not the counselling (as you'll see if you read my original post) And he doesn't like church because a lot of the ones he's gone to he feels like people are too fake (one of the things I didn't like when I was Christian) but that doesn't mean a minister marrying us shouldn't be important to him. <strong>He's more Christian and Godly than most of the Christians I know without him going to church. </strong>
Posted by RockinWhite[/QUOTE]
I understand completely what you mean. You don't need religion to have faith (the boys and I that used to attend the evangelist town use this line on our friends that still attend - they fight us tooth and nail, but we think it works). I know my mother's Anglican minister would not marry her and my father outside, but that may not be for all ministers. Honestly, I would go to the churches around town and meet with the different pastors/ministers/priests and find one you like that will fit into your plans. That's what my folks did once her pastor said he didn't do "barnyard weddings." (He wasn't exactly an inspiring minister I've been told and maybe fits the fake persona dilemma).

toothpastechica · January 2012

I've honestly never heard of a pastor that wont marry you because its outside! Thats new to me! I guess i have just been blessed to always have been in churchs that are not super legalistic and more relaxed???? There a lot of christian pastors that will marry people 'out of doors', that issue should not be a problem to find (pastors i know would be far more concerend about you having done pre-marital counseling then about where the ceremony is)!

Hilraythebride · January 2012

talk to the pastor you want to marry you first, find out what his thoughts are. Every pastor may have personal preferances while some faiths have strict rules. Catholics can not get maried outside Catholic church w/ a priest (unless they recieve a special blessing) and must go through pre-marriage marriage counseling.

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