Choosing a Priest

Kate504 · April 2010

Most everyone in my family has been married by the same priest, but I don't really have a priest that I am close to. How do I go about choosing a priest? My cousin is a deacon, but I am unsure as to how to approach this. I have a long while to figure this out, but I am sort of OCD and hate to have to worry about these things and just want them done now.

Calypso1977 · April 2010

the easiest thing to do is get married by the priest at your church. if you do not have a church yet, you should do some research and become a member at one and start attending.

woodie · April 2010

You'll probably want a priest who hasn't been arrested. Google search a priest before you make your final decision.

The priest who married us was arrested and convicted of stealing from the church on numerous occasions. This was all during the sex abuse crisis in Boston, about 6 years ago.

It surprised me to find out that he's now the associate pastor of a church in NH.

There are good priests out there who deserve our support, but there are still a few who don't.

-K

Riss91 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_choosing-priest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:02700436-7de7-4cdb-ad83-d97bbe3682abPost:6275b25d-4180-4bdd-a125-26a286c966ad">Re: Choosing a Priest</a>:
[QUOTE]You'll probably want a priest who hasn't been arrested. Google search a priest before you make your final decision. The priest who married us was arrested and convicted of stealing from the church on numerous occasions. This was all during the sex abuse crisis in Boston, about 6 years ago. It surprised me to find out that he's now the associate pastor of a church in NH. There are good priests out there who deserve our support, but there are still a few who don't. -K
Posted by woodie[/QUOTE]

This is a bit out of left field, huh? I'm sure most people realize that newspapers can make a mountain out of molehill. That's not to say that there aren't priests commiting crimes, just that they may be made to appear more prevalent than they are due to fantastical media coverage. I guess if you are concerned about your priest having a criminal record - go google him....?

OP - I would start with the church you plan to be married at. You need to contact that priest regardless of whether he performs your ceremony or not. Once you meet with him, you can discuss using your cousin and whether the priest would allow it. My sister had her husband's friend who was a deacon perform their ceremony at our home church. I would definitely contact the priest at the church you are using first.

woodie · April 2010

Riss - Are you saying that the whole sex abuse crisis was just inflated by the media? I am afraid you're wrong there. The media helped follow the cases and bring them to light, but didn't "make a mountain out of a mole hill."

I knew of too many churches where priests were removed or arrested.
Bishop-accountability.org and poynter.org diligently followed the cases so that they didn't get swept under the rug as the church would have liked.

I only had a personal relationship with two priests in my life:

The priest from college was arrested for soliciting sex with a minor.
The priest who married us was arrested for stealing approximately $8K from parish collections (including the Christmas collection).

Massachusetts seemed to have a higher percentage of cases that other states, so maybe I'm a little jaded. Since the scandal, I've been more skeptical of priests and church hierarchy.

Would you want a priest to marry you if he had a felony record?

I'm just saying do your research just like you'd do with all the other vendors.

Riss91 · April 2010

I'm so sorry those things happened to you. That is awful and unacceptable. No I wouldn't want a priest to marry me if he had a felony record. My point was that the OP had not mentioned this concern in the slightest, therefore your mini-rant was a bit out of place and I felt the need to neutralize some of it.

I'm pretty sure I clearly stated that there are priests committing crimes. But yes, I'm also saying that the media tilts and slants things to make for more dramatic reading, which often leads to misreported information. I actually DO do my research, thank you very much, and have read mainstream articles where writers have neglected to contact crucial individuals involved. My husband is a writer and journalist for political and religious publications. I am well versed on this topic.

I don't think the "good" people of the church want anything swept under the rug, but I do think they want key individuals correctly represented, which isn't always the case. I also do think there are "devils inside the walls" and hope and pray that their control is stripped from them.

Riss91 · April 2010

Just to clarify my point. You hear a ton about these priest molestation cases in the news, but statistically, they make up a very small portion of the total molestation cases. So, my "mountain out of a molehill" was directed that the amount of coverage the priests get from the media and its disproportion to the amount of cases they make up. Again, even 1 child is 1 child too many...

An excerpt from a report on the topic:
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families report "Child Maltreatment 2006" states that sexual abuse by Catholic clergy was less than one-half of one percent of all cases.

The report states that the perpetrators relationship to the victim was:
29.1% were Other Relatives
26.2% were Parents
24.4% were Others
6.9% were Unknown or Missing People
6.1% were Unmarried Partners of Parent
4.4% were Friends or Neighbors
1.8% were Child Daycare Providers
0.5% were Other Professionals
0.3% were Foster Parents
0.3% were Residential Facility Staff
0.1% were Legal Guardians

All clergy is a subset of Other Professionals and Catholic clergy is a subset of all clergy.

Calypso1977 · April 2010

honestly, one can have a felony record and still be a good priest. everyone sins, priests are no different. just becuase a priest steals money and gets convicted, doesnt excommunicate him from teh church or mean that he can no longer administer valid sacraments.

now would i want a molestor marrying me? no. but some of these priests were molestors but have no record since they were never turned in.

woodie · April 2010

Here's an excellent article about one of the good priests fighting the clergy abuse scandal. Tthe Catholic church hid for YEARS the molestation of children. They protected (and still protect) the molesters. It's immoral and criminal.

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2010/04/13/piercing_a_papal_shroud/?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed5

ootmother2 · April 2010

If you would like to have your cousin, a deacon, marry you, ask him. You can use the priest of the church you choose to do the mass part. i'm pretty sure you cousin would know how to approach the priest.

I suggest this because the church where M & E were married was chosen because it was close to the reception venue they wanted and was absolutely beautiful and perfect size. They were not members of that church but not every church will require membership. The bride's uncle, a deacon, married them.

Kate504 · April 2010

Did this go in the wrong direction or what?

Most if not all churches here do not require you to be a member to het married there so that is not a problem.

I thought of having both the priest who has married/baptised everyone in my family and my cousin who is a deacon to be part of the mass.

Thanks for everyone's help. My sister did not get married in a church so I am not to familiar has to how everything works. So all I can do is ask around.

PP I'm sorry about what happened to you

ootmother2 · April 2010

That sounds like a great solution!

GL

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