getting married privately in a week with famly support... when to have celebration??

Melissa&Steve2011 · December 2010

ok.. so my Fiance and I have our date set for August 6, 2011. We havent sent out any Save the dates, but many people have enquired about our date.

Recently we decided that we want to just have a small quiet wedding in a week. Due to the short time frame his family isn't able to make it because they live across the country, so we decided to make it as neutral as possible and have just our two wittnesses and our Marriage Commisioner. The stress of planning the wedding on a small budget and worrying about guests lists, food, decorations, location, transportation, hotels... makes me cringe just thinking about it. I know everyone says "do what makes you happy & don't invite people that you haven't seen forever. Dont feel obligated to do certain things" But its still hard not to think about this stuff when you come from a HUGE family in a small town.

So, we're getting married in a week!! We've spoke to our very close friends and family and notified them of our choice. Every one is happy for us and extremely supportive. We've been together 4 years and are ready to start a family..... like now... so that is essentially why we want to get married sooner than later.

Now... my question is .. what is the statute of limitations on having a wedding celebration? Our hope is to become pregnant right away and then in a year or so have a "vow-renewal and reception" <-- his idea
So i don't know that i want to be pregnant at my celebration. I want to be able to enjoy some champagne and have a great evening... and i think incorporating our "baby" into the renewal would be very sweet.
We're not getting married for the gifts or the money by any means. We just want to give everyone who isn't able to make it to our small ceremony the opportunity to celebrate with us... is a year or two too long??

Loopyseven · December 2010

Congratulations! If you choose to have a small wedding, you choose to have a small wedding celebration.

Inviting people to a 2nd celebration that weren't invited to the actual wedding is really looked upon as rude and gift-grabby (even though you say that's not why you want to do it). Have your small wedding, and take those nearest and dearest to you out to dinner or whatever you are doing and skip the year or two later celebration/renewal. Have a "thank goodness it's summer" or a big holiday blowout bash to get together and see everyone you want to, but don't make it about your wedding that long after the fact.

squirrly · December 2010

Tiny wedding = tiny celebration.

If you want to throw a party in a year, or two, or five - do it. But don't call it a wedding. And, really, if you want that many people to see your vows, instead of a vow renewal, why not just have the big wedding?

sister2groom · December 2010

To be fair, OP did say she was planning on a vow renewal.

OP: Basically what you want to do is an elopement and then a vow renewal. I actually don't have a problem with vow renewals as long as it doesn't pretend to be a wedding. You can have a nice dress and say some vows in front of your guests, but I personally think it would feel a little odd to have a whole ceremony. I definitely wouldn't have a bridal party, bridal shower, etc. Oh, and you can't really get offended by those who don't want to come, honestly vow renewals just aren't as important as weddings.

Melissa&Steve2011 · December 2010

Ok thank you ladies for all your input

The reason were not doing the big wedding is because it's not in re budget right now in such a short time frame, & both of us agree that spending a crazy amount of money for one day is well..crazy. We did have an idea to invite people out to our "engagement party" and surprise them with it being the actual wedding, but again, we came to the decision that it wouldn't be fair to his parents who live 5 provinces away, that wouldn't be able to make it. So with their & my families blessing this is what were doing. I like the idea of having just a celebration afterwards when they can attend. Also like I said, were ready to start a family & would rather spend the money we would have on a big wedding on everything we could need for our baby. I think maybe my fiance feels that by offering the renewal & reception later down the road that he'll be making up for the wedding we won't have. But I'm really looking forward to our day. I have my own business in esthetics & have worked out a trade with the bridal store to let me use a gorgeous dress for free & the venue is at a beautiful hotel. It's all decorated with amazing lights in a botanical garden area, which is also free due to the fact that we have so few people there. Thank you all again for your suggestions

Loopyseven · December 2010

Ooh.. That sounds really pretty. I hope it is a fantastic day for you both! I'm sure it will be wonderful!

squirrly · December 2010

Just have the big party when you can, then, and skip the wedding-y aspects of it. It can be an anniversary party, so people remember it's your wedding date, or it can be an anything party. And really, within a few months after your actual wedding, I bet the shine of the vow renewal will start to wear off for your FI. Leave that for a 10 year anniversary event.

Best of luck!

Melissa&Steve2011 · December 2010

Thanks ladies!! Very helpful. I feel much better about the whole thing and look forward to talking to him about all this, which I'm sure will leave him relieved lol You're probably right about the vow renewal loosing it's appeal after a few months. I think we'll just play it by ear for now, but having party in the summer with a bunch of our friends and family that mean the most to us at a secluded location is sounding better and more like us all the time

no fancy dress or "wedding connotations" just a great way to get everyone together in warm weather and not with 4' of snow on the ground

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

If you skip the whole big party/vow renewal, you'll save a bunch of money that you could probably use for your child.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

The reason were not doing the big wedding is because it's not in re budget right now in such a short time frame, & both of us agree that spending a crazy amount of money for one day is well..crazy.

so how would spending a crazy amount of money a year later on a vow renewal/celebration be any different? everyone knows the reception is the big ticket expense. by having a tiny quiet ceremony now, you arent going to save yourself any expense if you do a big thing later.

i'm iwht mrs. b. - put that money into a college fund and for your life together.

golden1215 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-privately-week-famly-support-celebration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c2729d9-680f-4518-8d0a-6e08587c7fe5Post:cd65ee2e-75ce-4b25-9e19-b3a9d7420b38">Re: getting married privately in a week with famly support... when to have celebration??</a>:
[QUOTE]If you skip the whole big party/vow renewal, you'll save a bunch of money that you could probably use for your child.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

this!

on a 1/2 playful- 1/2 serious note are you sure this isn't a shot gun wedding because you're already pregnant? I mean... a week is really damn quick. Not juding if you are- H & I had our daughter 2 years before we got married!- but I'm just sensing something else going on here....

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-privately-week-famly-support-celebration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c2729d9-680f-4518-8d0a-6e08587c7fe5Post:cd65ee2e-75ce-4b25-9e19-b3a9d7420b38">Re: getting married privately in a week with famly support... when to have celebration??</a>:
[QUOTE]If you skip the whole big party/vow renewal, you'll save a bunch of money that you could probably use for your child.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree! If I were already married, I really could not justify spending so much on a big party. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I would compromise, move your wedding up by a few months, invite immediate family, and call it a day. That would give your parents time to travel. I feel like this "second celebration/renewal" is trying to make up for the fact that your families won't be there. So just invite close family members. If extended family asks about it, tell them you wanted to keep it really small. It's a legitimate reason.</div>

Melissa&Steve2011 · December 2010

haha ok to clairify.. nope.. not pregnant! But to be honest i really wish i was. He works away 3-5 weeks at a time, so him coming home on Wednesday allows us to actually set a date without wondering if he will have the time off a few months down the road.  And just because i posted that we're getting married in a week, doesn't mean that we've only been planning this for a week. He works in the oil field as a consultant and there is no way of actually knowing when he will have "set days off" So planning something a few months away (even busier time in the oil field), and hoping that his family can travel is a risk for sure. ... which comes down to the reason why we're not inviting anyone but our 2 wittnesses with the blessing of both sides of the family.

   We're just eager to be married at contiue our plans to have a family. I have no qualms against having children before marriage. I have 2 sisters that had their children befor they were married... this is just a personal choice for us.

    As for having the celebration later on, yes it would cost a bit more money then, but in our defense... we're not planning on having an extravegant expensive party. My parents have a ranch with plenty of space for campers. So to have a bbq, with meat from cattle we raise, and vegetables we've grown in the garden... with man power and help from my 3 sisters, parents and aunts and uncles... the biggest expense i can see would be the liquor.

Yes the celebration would be to make up for his and my family not being able to be there... but because of our own choices, we decided that it only be fair that its an "all or nothing" deal. Unfortunately his parents cannot make it... otherwise things would be very different.

again.. i appreciate the input ladies. It is interesting to hear other peoples point of views

Goldlie11 · December 2010

I don't understand what difference it will make between getting married in August (8 months away) or next week? Am I missing something?

If you want my opinion, it doesn't really seem to make sense to deprive most of your family the experience of watching you get marred just because you'd rather be married now.

Loopyseven · December 2010

My brothers both work in the oil industry and spend 3-5 weeks at a time on the rig. I assure you, as long as they avoid major holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas really) they are fully able to plan, schedule and take a vacation whenever they want to using their vacation time. In over 5 years they've never had an issue making plans ahead of time to get together with family.

Anything less formal, they just do whenever they happen to be off work.

katiewhompus · December 2010

I would also not recommend planning the vow renewal around a pregnancy. To be safe you would probably want to plan one 5 years out if you are going to have a larger party and don't want to be pregnant (or have a newborn) on that day. Hopefully you will be blessed with a quick and happy family, but life doesn't always follow that plan.

Melissa&Steve2011 · December 2010

ok.. getting married now so we can start a familiy asap... and avoiding the planning stress that has already been a relevant part of the day.. We're not getting married for everyone else to tell us how the day is supposed to go, who to invite, where its supposed to be, how many attendants etc. It was turning into a free for all with our families suggesting all kinds of stuff when we were footing the bill. .. we're getting married for us. Thats pretty much it. IF his parents were able to be here then it would be his parents, brother and my parents and sisters. With it being shorter notice, less time to have all that other stuff involved.. end of story.. but its not that easy.
So with that we have decided to have something later on so WHEN his family is able to be here with us they can..... All i was asking was how long after was it appropriate to ask people to come and celebrate.

Very helpful suggestions, Thank you girls!!

Goldlie11 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-privately-week-famly-support-celebration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c2729d9-680f-4518-8d0a-6e08587c7fe5Post:f88b8590-bcc3-4581-84e5-98c49bc5f078">Re: getting married privately in a week with famly support... when to have celebration??</a>:
[QUOTE]ok.. getting married now so we can start a familiy asap... and avoiding the planning stress that has already been a relevant part of the day.. We're not getting married for everyone else to tell us how the day is supposed to go, who to invite, where its supposed to be, how many attendants etc. It was turning into a free for all with our families suggesting all kinds of stuff when we were footing the bill. .. we're getting married for us. Thats pretty much it. IF his parents were able to be here then it would be his parents, brother and my parents and sisters. With it being shorter notice, less time to have all that other stuff involved.. end of story.. but its not that easy. So with that we have decided to have something later on so WHEN his family is able to be here with us they can..... <strong>All i was asking was how long after was it appropriate to ask people to come and celebrate.</strong> Very helpful suggestions, Thank you girls!!
Posted by Melissa&Steve2011[/QUOTE]
So, basically you're asking when is a good time to have a vow renewal? That's up to you. <div>
</div><div>I personally don't understand this trend (for lack of a better word) where people seem to be getting married and having a "wedding" later. I wonder if you do start a family, if it will become a priority to have your "wedding". I don't mean it in a snarky way. It's just that I have a family member who had a small at home wedding and had the intention of renewing her vows. She's been married for almost 15 years now and still hasn't done it. They have kids and can never find the money and time to do it. </div><div>
</div><div>. </div>

getting married privately in a week with famly support... when to have celebration??

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