How did you meet your fi (especially ladies with kids)...

ak071401 · February 2010

Hi ladies.

I am usually on the nest Money Matters or on the bump Parenting. A little background ... my ex of 11 years and I got divorced last year (it was very sudden to me -- he had a girlfriend and I was willing to go to counseling and work on things but he wasn't). We have a 3.5 year old son together. I am starting to think about dating again, but I am nervous about how the single men out there will react to a single mom. Can you ladies who are past the "back in the dating game" stage share some nice stories about how you met your new fi? I'd especially love to hear from those of you who have a child from a previous marriage if you have any advice for dating as a single mom.

Thanks! And congrats on all your upcoming weddings ...

M&Mf4me · February 2010

I met my Fi at chuch! I have 5 kids, didn't phase him. I e-mailed and met him late at night at Borders for a YEAR before I introduced him to the kids. They had NO idea, and I have a teenager or 3!

Hope that helps

nyrek · February 2010

Myspace.

After my divorce, I spent some time (3 years) single. It was really important to me to re-establish who I was before thinking about dating. NOT saying that anyone else should feel that way...just that mine had been somewhat abusive and I needed my own time to heal. Anywhos...

I looked around on Cupid, and E-Harmony just to see what was out there...but in my area, the guys all seemed kinda creepy. I gave up on that. I had opened a Myspace account to keep an eye on my kids and I happened to meet FI. We chatted for several months...met for coffee one night and have been together ever since.

It was once I gave up trying to find someone that I found him. I don't think having kids is a huge issue anymore. Single parenthood is a sign of our times, unfortunately, and most people tend to respect that. Just be upfront...if they can't handle you having kids, then he's DEFINITELY not the man for you!

Good luck!

Sue-n-Kevin · February 2010

I'm sorry to hear your news. It sucks when it doesn't work out.

My ex was verbally abusive to my son, from a prior relationship. We had a daughter together. I asked him to leave (I owned the house) back in 1999. Because my son was 12, and my daughter 5, I wanted to wait a while to date again because I had a lot of "damage control" to do with my kids. They needed me to reassure them, build their confidence.

Well, I waited a long while, and went out with friends, met some guys, had a couple of dates, but never found anyone. I threw myself into fixing the house up, doing home improvements.

In 2007 someone I know got married, and they met on Eharmony. Then I talked to them, and several of their married friends met on Eharmony. So, I enrolled in Eharmony. I did the "guided contacts" with a couple of guys, then got a match for someone who was perfect for me. He was the ONLY one who mentioned liking major league sports (NFL, NHL, NBA, MLB), and I am a huge sports fan (I know, hard to believe a bunch of guys didn't have this in their "top 5" things).

We emailed, found out we both were single parents who had custody, and the rest is history. We met on 8/28/07, and are getting married on 8/27/11.

Eharmony, or match.com don't always work for everyone. I know people who have never met a good match via the internet. A lot depends on how open you are to finding the right person, vs just dating and "dipping a toe" into the world of dating again.

I don't know you, and don't know the situation your son is in, what his relationship is like with his father, etc. Having "step kids", or dating someone with kids, can make things really hard, especially if you have children later on with the "new guy". Regardless of that, I'd recommend dating for a very long time before introducing anyone into your son's world. My son was 2 when I started dating my daughter's dad. We went on a date to a kid friendly place the day after I met him, and took my son. In the long run it was a huge mistake. I probably would have known him a lot better over a longer period of time, and perhaps made a different decision. Who knows? Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

I have nothing bad to say about dating with kids. Take your time, most people expect divorced women to have kids, and as long as you both are mature and able to deal with all the baggage that comes from sharing kids, it should be fine.

Good luck.

thealphabride · February 2010

This is a great place to seek advice about dating with kids!

I met my fiance on match.com. I was 46 and had been divorced for about 6 years, and he was 44 and divorced for only a few months although the marriage was over way before it was final.

We lived close to each other, were looking for the same qualities in a mate and looking for dating. Each of us has one boy. Mine was age 8 and his was age 11. We dated and fell in love pretty fast! We didn't inroduce our children into the equasion until we KNEW it was going to be long term.

We kept the time together with the boys at once per week for years, even though they get along well. Now they know each other very well, and we spend holidays, special occasions and the continued one night per week together. Every other weekend is when our kids are with their other parents, and that is my alone time with my Fiance, and his with me. We spend the entire weekend together.

We continued to date for 5 years, each living in our own home, and raising our boys but always finding time for each other and to have family time with the boys about 1 night per week for many years. The boys loved each other from the beginning and have grown up together. They are both happy we are getting married, and both in the wedding. By the time we move in together his son will have graduated from high school and on his way to college.
We felt it was important for them both to grow up a bit before we married.

Although it is more accepted to have a child and date, things are still the same regarding how to handle children while dating.

You are very wise to worry about your child with dating. Never bring a stranger into your child's life, do your homework, I cannot stress this enough. know who you are with for your own sake as well as your child's. Take your time intorducing the children to your dates. I wish you the very best! Good Luck.
Here's a pic of us at our engagement party in September of 09:

handfast4me · February 2010

After, no kidding, 30 first dates in 2 years, with only one second date, I signed off all of the dating websites, and decided that speed dating wasn't getting me what I wanted, either (although it was doing a better job than e-harmony--what a frickin joke! Match, and the others weren't much better). The next night I met my now DH, the old fashioned way, in a bar. LOL! No, really, I went to see a band (one of my degrees is in music, and I'm a former member of several bands), and voila. There he was. He came over to me and had the best line ever: "You don't see many attractive women drinking PBR." He was drinking it too, we both had 40 cans in our hands, and it was the beer my dad drank.

I think the trick is to figure out what you want in a man, first, before you start dating again, and then try to find the guy that most meets those qualifications.

SoontobeMrs.Hicks · February 2010

I happened to meet mine about 3 yrs ago, though I had just started my legal divorce proceedings. I had tried the internet dating sites, and nothing seemed to click, though there were several relationships. At the time we met, it was through a kids club at church (though he had no kids of his own). I was the new director, and called different directors all over Northern California for ideas. He offerred to come train my staff, and thought I was cool. I thought he was too, but I guess I thought he was married and didn't bother to find out otherwise.

I saw him a few times throughout that year, then resigned from my position for two years. I reappeared, and when he saw me again, he knew I was The One. (Even though he had just preached a sermon on being single forever the week before.)

We were at a retreat for staff, and he found me in the cafeteria on Saturday night. That's when I found out he had never been married. I harrassed him about it, but he said he only wanted to be responsible for himself. The next day I sent him a friend request on facebook, and he wrote on my wall that it was nice to see me again. So generic I thought he had sent it to tons of people, but I was the only one.
On Monday night I called him about something in the club, and he was all business. A little disappointed, I found him online on facebook and harrassed him again. Found out he hadn't dated in six years. So we arranged to go to a movie the next Saturday night. Then I started teasing him about chick flicks and he admitted that while he didn't mind them, he sure wouldn't mind making out with me. That was my first clue that he was really interested. Soon we got on the phone and talked for hours. The next day he told me he loved me. That night he proposed over the phone. We did go to a movie on Saturday night, but picked out my ring on the way.
So all that to say, it just has to be at the right time.

thealphabride · February 2010

I agree that taking time for yourself first and figure out what went wrong with your first choice is key.

I think you will find that a lot of ladies here took a lot of time after their divorce to settle themselves first before dating again.

I waited a full year before even thinking about dating after my divorce. My son was 2 at the time.

Wish you all the best!!!!

luckyinlove35 · February 2010

I met my FI on yahoo personals.. He has 2 kids and was going thru a divorce at the time, and I have 4 kids and had been divorced awhile... We have been together almost 3 years and are now planning our wedding..
I recommend taking it slow, we both were not looking for something serious but it just felt right from the beginning and we have a wonderful relationship. We did not introduce one another to the kids until we had been in the relationship for 6 months, that way the kids dont get attached if something in the relationship goes sour!
We could not be happier, good luck!

deepcovejackie · February 2010

I'm a bit different. I met my FI in high school. We were friends then, and facebook friends prior to my separation. I (after a grieving time) put "single" on my fb profile. He emailed me to say he's always thought about me since school, and he was sorry to hear of my separation and etc. We emailed for about 4 months, and finally met. We havent been apart since. He's an amazing stepdad to our kids, 13 and 11. We get along fine with my ex, their Dad.

But...my single separated friends have had great (and weird) experiences on the on-line dating sites. Of the five of us that separated about the same time, one is still single, 3 have b/f's from dating sites (going well) and there's me.

I have the feeling that life happens anyway, no matter what. Good luck and all the best to you!

luckyme502 · February 2010

I met my FI in high-school. This is our third time dating. We dated in high-school, didn't last very long. I got married and had my daughter and got divorced. Then I dated a couple people, but nothing serious. Then I dated my FI for about two years, and then we broke up and it was awful. Then I had two serious relationships and dated other people. Then I got back together with my FI and we've been together for 3 years. My daughter is 13.
I have found that just being open and honest about having kids is the best thing to do. I think I worked it into the conversation very early with every man I met.

jeannigirl · February 2010

I met my FI online someone had sent him my profile. I actually dated a lot after leaving my ex which was a big big mistake. I met all the wrong kind of men. I finally made a decision to stop the dating thing and went back to school and finished my AA. and raised my kids.

I was not dating anyone for over two years and then decided to take a friends advice and go online and meet some guys that was very scary there are some strange guys out there. So because I just couldn't get a connection with anyone I decided once again to just stop and focus on some other things that is when I met my FI.

I agree with one of the posters who said you really need to decide on the kind of man that you are desiring. First just give yourself some time to do some healing and getting strong and believe that you deserve only the best.

I did make the mistake after I left that some of the men I dated met my kids that was a huge mistake and please don't make it with yours. Give your self some time to be yourself and also with your kids.

NJ Jen · February 2010

Met my finance on Match! It happens!

CA2MT4EveR · February 2010

I was in a long term relationship that was going nowhere, so I ended it 2 years ago. A few months after being single I decided on Match.com because I lived in a small rural area and wanted to meet guys other places than the bar. I went on several dates, but never with anyone that was super great.

Last August I took a huge risk and moved out of state. A month after being here I met my guy on a trail ride. We met up again a month later and started dating, and his divorce was not even final yet. it's all been really soon, but I don't mind because both of us are more happy than we have ever been! I guess it's like they say- when you know, you know!

pamila51510 · February 2010

I met my guy through friends I think they really wanted us both to date but neither of us were looking. One night after a year he and I were talking and i said I think I am going to the movies tomorrow. Our friend walked up behind me and said hey why don't you ask her to go with you. The rest is history. I was ready and so was he and we haven't been apart since! He is amazing with my girls adores them even takes my 17 year olds out driving to practice. So lucky am I!!!

right1thistime · February 2010

I met my now DH working on a town governement project. He happened to live two doors down from me - but he and I had never met, beyond me bringing the kids to his door trick or treating. Our street is narrow, curvy and dangerous, it is also a "short cut" that folks use to avoid a heavy traffic area. Our neighborhood pulled together and started petitioning the town for improvements, patrols and a lower speed limit. He and I emerged as the leaders of the group. During that time, we chatted on the phone a couple of times a week about "the street". I was interested, but he made no move. One day I came home and said to my 14 year old babysitter,"I like this guy, and I want to go on a date with him. Should I ask him out?" Being 14, she said, "sure!", and before I lost my nerve, I called him up and asked. He agreed. 7 years later, we got married. He told me that he would have eventually gotten around to asking me out, but not quite so soon. Maybe I should have proposed to him?? Waiting for him to make any life moves is painfully slow! ~Donna

nowiunderstand · February 2010

I met mine on match also.....I had a difficult time at first since I did have kids and got many nasty comments but they are a part of the package. Good luck!

Mom2SF · February 2010

I was divorced for 2 years before I started dating, my DD was 6 at the time. I decided to try online dating (my sister and best friend met their hubbies that way). I had very good luck! The first guy I met was THE ONE and the love of my life. We are getting married in July.

When looking for a mate it was very important to me that he was a divorced dad. That might sound strange but I thought having that in common would be very important. Turns out that he had 4 kids and found that many women were afraid to date HIM because he had kids.

When my fiance and I met he loved that I was divorced for a while. It was all part of my history and not a current event.

meleika_no_more · March 2010

My ex left after 7 years of marriage, and our son was only 18 months. it took me about 2 years to get out there and date, I met many fellas, had some great life experiences I wouldn't trade. Traveling, trips, just life and finally ended up meeting my "Prince Charming" at prison! I worked as a nurse on the medical unit. He is an officer. He's amazing with my son and I couldn't ask for a better guy. one thing I will say, when I accepted I would be single forever I met him, when I wasn't looking or expecting it. It took 6 years, so it does happen! good luck and happy dating.

klookerrn · March 2010

I met the man of my dreams "on a street corner in Vegas and the next day he walked me down the aisle" (at a friend's wedding). We were both getting badly needed divorces and were not looking for anything. In fact, I said many times I never wanted a boyfriend, just friends.
We lived in different states and spent many hours on the phone and emailing getting to know each other. We did some commuting and after a year I moved to his house. My children are only 3 hrs away, one is out of high school and the other is a senior. I commute back for their activities.
I am very happy that I allowed myself to have a "boyfriend" and now FI. Best rule I have ever broken!

jaimed99 · March 2010

I met my FI in junior high, through a mutual friend. We were pretty close all through high school, and everyone knew how I felt about him except for him, because I was a big baby...little did I know that he felt the same way. He took me to my senior prom, even though he'd graduated a year before me...but after that, we sort of fell by the wayside.

Fast-forward 6 years...I got married, had a daughter, lost a baby and my marriage fell apart...I wound up in a relationship with a much older man, which hadn't bothered me. I did, however, reconnect with my FI because we still lived in the same area. My then-boyfriend was terribly jealous...he didn't like that FI and I were so close. The older guy and I got married...and then he started being verbally and emotionally abusive. I left him 5 months later after realizing that I was really, truly in love with the guy that's been there the whole time. We have a son together and got engaged last Valentine's Day

I couldn't be happier!

They say that things happen for a reason...although I sometimes wish that I'd been with him all along, I don't think we'd appreciate each other the way that we do now if we'd been together in our teens...

As for advice for the single mom...love always comes when you least expect it, and when you're not actively looking!

katzeyez68 · March 2010

I met my fiance on Facebook. I never dreamed I would meet someone on there. I am 42 and a widow. It took me a few years before I would even talk to someone. i tried Lavalife and a few others but was either too scared to talk to anyone or when I did they were just weird.
So, I added an application on Facebook called Are you Interested? He clicked yes on me and I clicked yes back. We didn't even speak for about a month or so after that but I finally started to talk to him. He was shy about talking too. . We met a little over a month after we started talking and the rest is history.
He has two teenage children and I have two boys under 10. My boys love him and although it's been a bit tougher for his kids, especially his 17 year old daughter, they have come to accept that we love each other and make each other happy.

How did you meet your fi (especially ladies with kids)...

Re: How did you meet your fi (especially ladies with kids)...

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