Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)

rpsharpe · April 2010

I have a problem...one of our groomsmen is a scruffy guy by nature. He has a full beard ( and apparently always has) and pretty long shaggy hair. I feel like my FH should talk to him about cleaning up a bit for the big day but he doesn't want to offend him as this is "how he has always been." I don't know what to do! I am afraid he will stand out so badly in the pictures and the ceremony. What would you do/ say? Thanks for the help!

stina93446 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:64b4b281-a5e6-4722-a063-0c930d0425a9">Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a problem...one of our groomsmen is a scruffy guy by nature. He has a full beard ( and apparently always has) and pretty long shaggy hair. I feel like my FH should talk to him about cleaning up a bit for the big day but he doesn't want to offend him as this is "how he has always been." I don't know what to do! I am afraid he will stand out so badly in the pictures and the ceremony. What would you do/ say? Thanks for the help!
Posted by rpsharpe[/QUOTE]

<div>Let it go. This is not your place. He will not ruin your photos. And just think...how would you feel if said gm was getting married and you were in his party and he told YOU that...I don't know your hair was bad and he demanded that you get it cut and colored?! It would be really mean sounding and totally rude. Which is what you're doing right now....</div>

psichick · April 2010

it's not your place to tell anyone how to groom themselves. you get to dictate what they wear, that's it. their grooming habbits will reflect on them, not you.

saxy414 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:8a065033-84c2-4554-ae94-f3f6d56a121d">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]it's not your place to tell anyone how to groom themselves. you get to dictate what they wear, that's it. their grooming habbits will reflect on them, not you.
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

I agree. His grooming habits reflect on him, not you. Chances are, when you look back on your pictures years from now, it won't matter to you at all that he's scruffy. As long as he's clean, I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. And, maybe he'll tidy up a bit on his own just because he knows it's an important day. I think that if you say anything to him, it'll make him feel like a child, so just let it go.

xoxob · April 2010

I would only worry about it if he has birds nesting in his beard.

rpsharpe · April 2010

My FH's mother is the one who originally mentioned it. Like you, I assumed he might, too. However after she said something to us I thought maybe we should say something. Thanks for the advice. I'll keep my mouth shut.

CA2MT4EveR · April 2010

In Response to Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!):
[QUOTE]My FH's mother is the one who originally mentioned it. Like you, I assumed he might, too. However after she said something to us I thought maybe we should say something. Thanks for the advice. I'll keep my mouth shut.
Posted by rpsharpe[/QUOTE]

If she is that concerned over it, she can be the ass to say something- not you

duckie1905 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:954beba9-5a55-4381-bfea-18ce7bee88a3">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would only worry about it if he has birds nesting in his beard.
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, if he's Peter Griffin and has birds nesting in his beard, then I'd have to say something.</div><div>
</div><div>But otherwise, it is not your job to comment on his grooming habits. It would be like one of your friends telling you that your hair is ugly.</div>

lilcassers · April 2010

Maybe he will suprise you and groom himself. Just because he looks scruffy every day doesn't mean he won't have a clue that a wedding is a formal event. I have had guy friends that shape up for other friends' weddings and no one expected them to do so.

suz62984 · April 2010

YOu say nothing. You can hope for the best but this is your FH's groomsman. He has "always" been this way and your FH knows that and still chose him. He is a friend so love him how he is. If the opportunity arises maybe make a casual joke about trimming up around the ears or something but otherwise let it go and don't worry about it.

Schroeder246 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:64b4b281-a5e6-4722-a063-0c930d0425a9">Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a problem...one of our groomsmen is a scruffy guy by nature. He has a full beard (<strong> and apparently always has</strong>) and pretty long shaggy hair. I feel like my FH should talk to him about cleaning up a bit for the big day but he doesn't want to offend him as this is "how he has always been." I don't know what to do! I am afraid he will stand out so badly in the pictures and the ceremony. What would you do/ say? Thanks for the help!
Posted by rpsharpe[/QUOTE]

<div>Did no one else picture a newborn baby with a full beard here?</div>

aerinpegadrak · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:2752bb48-942d-4738-b4bb-59adef810ed3">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!) : Did no one else picture a newborn baby with a full beard here?
Posted by Schroeder246[/QUOTE]
Well, now I am.

xoxob · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:2752bb48-942d-4738-b4bb-59adef810ed3">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!) : Did no one else picture a newborn baby with a full beard here?
Posted by Schroeder246[/QUOTE]

Hahaha. "Congratulations Mrs. Mother of Scruffy Groomsman, it's a beard."

spinner84 · April 2010

You two could always offer to pay for a barber beard shave/trim the same as you might pay for your bridesmaids to get their hair/makeup done. I'm only half joking... But hopefully anyway he will think to come with clean, combed hair and a trimmed beard.

aerinpegadrak · April 2010

That's not a bad idea, spinner. FI's taking all of his groomsmen for a straight razor shave while the girls are getting ready. None of them have a history of scruff, but it's a nice way to pamper them a bit. I think he might be willing to go along with it as long as your FI makes it clear that he's not expected to shave it off.

mizri · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:2752bb48-942d-4738-b4bb-59adef810ed3">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!) : Did no one else picture a newborn baby with a full beard here?
Posted by Schroeder246[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, and in a flannel onsie. Red plaid, of course.</div>

LarissaAnn · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:954beba9-5a55-4381-bfea-18ce7bee88a3">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would only worry about it if he has birds nesting in his beard.
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]
Picturing Family Guy here! LOL<div>
</div><div>And yeah, I agree with the others. Not your place to worry about it.</div>

LarissaAnn · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:d0415247-b5fb-4556-a8c8-64ff020efea4">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I doubt that he'll be into a straight razor shave if he's always had a beard, regardless of how much you dress it up like pampering. Honestly, if this is who he is and how he looks, wouldn't you rather have that reflected in your pictures. I mean, not super scruffy, untrimmed, wild mountain man, but him as he looks, beard and all?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
So I'm not the only one who sees my wedding photos as an actual record of the day? I think some of my coolest shots are the ones people got of me & H cracking up because when we did our "grand entrance" to the reception, we accidentally ended up on opposite sides of a pole & had to let go of each other's hands! "Perfection" is overrated.

emilyinchile · April 2010

My BIL has dreadlocks and a beard. It didn't ruin my wedding day, and honestly one of my favorite pictures of the entire day is him giving me a hug right after the ceremony in which his head is basically the main focus of the picture because I'm focused on the emotion of being welcomed to the family, not the hairstyle.

The shaving "treat" doesn't seem to me like a good idea. I know my BIL wouldn't be fooled by something like that, and he would be offended that we wanted him to change his appearance for our dress-up day. FMIL is wrong on this one.

CL3542 · April 2010

I know I'm in the minority here, but I think there's a difference between singling out a groomsman by telling him he's scruffy, and having your groom give a short spiel to all of his guys before the rehersal.

Something like "you guys clean up nice, so for posterity's sake, make sure you match your tuxedos." I dunno - well, that probably isn't the best example, but you get the idea. Telling all of the guys that they clean up nice when they try is a much nicer (and probably more effective) way of saying "comb your beard" than trying to approach one guy on his own.

Good luck!

CA2MT4EveR · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:e30f3f5e-a8f0-425f-8c55-112c3bf60330">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I'm in the minority here, but I think there's a difference between singling out a groomsman by telling him he's scruffy, and having your groom give a short spiel to all of his guys before the rehersal. Something like "you guys clean up nice, so for posterity's sake, make sure you match your tuxedos." I dunno - well, that probably isn't the best example, but you get the idea. Telling all of the guys that they clean up nice when they try is a much nicer (and probably more effective) way of saying "comb your beard" than trying to approach one guy on his own. Good luck!
Posted by CL3542[/QUOTE]

No, it is still telling adults what to do. Just because it is your wedding, doesn't mean people have to change the way they live their lives. Hair cuts, colors, tattoos- unless they are purposely being obnoxious- it's their life, not yours.

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scruffy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2071c1c-29e5-4130-922b-c114d86f86c6Post:e30f3f5e-a8f0-425f-8c55-112c3bf60330">Re: Scruffy Groomsman (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Something like "you guys clean up nice, so for posterity's sake, make sure you match your tuxedos."
Posted by CL3542[/QUOTE]

I think it's expected that all WP (and guests, for that matter) should come to your wedding clean and presentable. Unfortunately there will always be people who don't, and while that's wrong of them, it would be wrong of the couple to presume that their adult friends and family don't know how to get themselves ready for a formal/semi-formal event. Just like you don't put dress code on the invites, you don't tell your WP members they need to shave. And if this guy has a beard, his version of "cleaning up nice" probably doesn't involve shaving anyway.

mrsvaughn8313 · September 2013

I think it's your wedding and you can make a comment to the whole group like that. These are pictures and memories you will have for the rest of your life. It's not like you're asking him to shave his head or remove a tattoo, you're just politely reminding everyone to look their best.

There is nothing wrong with that. If they agreed to be in your wedding party, they obviously really care about you and your FH. Making a general statement like CL3542 says, I don't think that will be met with any hurt feelings.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

@mrsvaughn8313, this thread is from April 2010. Doubtless OP has solved this problem and probably is no longer posting anyway.

mrsvaughn8313 · September 2013

well then ignore it and move on @keptinstitches

KeptInStitches · September 2013

If you have the same issue, why dredge up a thread as old as this? Why not start a new one?

STARMOON44 · September 2013

@knotporscha

banana468 · September 2013

STOP THE ZOMBIE THREADS!

This thread began when I found out I was pregnant and DD is now 2 yrs 9mo. FFS, pay attention!

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