Mom problem, I really need advice!

kaminsky11 · January 2011

Ok, so my fiancee and I got engaged during the holdidays at my parent's house and are planning to get married this summer (we are both off work in the summer). Seems really fast, I know. But as most of you ladies know, when you know, you know.

Here's the problem: my mom. She very quickly made our engagement about her. And I don't mean by starting to plan everything, I mean the exact opposite. She loves my fiancee, I feel like she loves him more than she loves me at times. (I'm not overexaggerating) She was going on and on about how small her ring was and how we needed to switch and blah blah blah. She wasn't interested in celebrating with us, I wanted to take everyone to lunch and she got all offended that it was an open invite. Hello, it was the holidays and my whole family was there....so needless to say, my 2 brothers, fiancee and I had lunch.

She has made no effort to help me plan at all. Hasn't offered to help, nothing. (My parents favor my 17 year old brother and have never been shy about it) I've asked her several times to help in small ways. For example: I asked her if she would go with me to try on dresses (she lives an hour away and she doesn't work) I offered to schedule it on a weekend, around her schedule, etc. But no. It's "too far of a drive" and "I should be the one to go down there of I need her so badly." Lots of what I feel are mean comments, "suggestions" that are ridiculous, no intent to help at all. We're paying for EVERYTHING.

I'm drained. I'm sad. I'm mad. All I can do is cry and it's not helping me at all. I keep trying to push this away because I have so much to do but I can't. I wish my mom could stop for 5 seconds and try to understand that I need her but it's not going to happen. Her parent's did everything for her, have helped her in every way possible. I feel like she's just totally selfish! She can afford to help, she has the time. She just won't. I'm the only daughter, I've done everything in life the "right" way, was a good kid, never had problems, etc. Has anyone else dealt with something similar? What do I do here?

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-problem-really-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cccd2319-2e54-4b79-b1cc-26e845f409b3Post:a3b512d5-040e-4cd8-a484-5c445fd2d4c0">Mom problem, I really need advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my fiancee and I got engaged during the holdidays at my parent's house and are planning to get married this summer (we are both off work in the summer). Seems really fast, I know. But as most of you ladies know, when you know, you know. Here's the problem: my mom. She very quickly made our engagement about her. And I don't mean by starting to plan everything, I mean the exact opposite. She loves my fiancee, I feel like she loves him more than she loves me at times. (I'm not overexaggerating) She was going on and on about how small her ring was and how we needed to switch and blah blah blah. She wasn't interested in celebrating with us, I wanted to take everyone to lunch and she got all offended that it was an open invite. Hello, it was the holidays and my whole family was there....so needless to say, my 2 brothers, fiancee and I had lunch. She has made no effort to help me plan at all. Hasn't offered to help, nothing. (My parents favor my 17 year old brother and have never been shy about it) I've asked her several times to help in small ways. For example: I asked her if she would go with me to try on dresses (she lives an hour away and she doesn't work) I offered to schedule it on a weekend, around her schedule, etc. But no. It's "too far of a drive" and "I should be the one to go down there of I need her so badly." Lots of what I feel are mean comments, "suggestions" that are ridiculous, no intent to help at all. We're paying for EVERYTHING. I'm drained. I'm sad. I'm mad. All I can do is cry and it's not helping me at all. I keep trying to push this away because I have so much to do but I can't. <strong>I wish my mom could stop for 5 seconds and try to understand that I need her but it's not going to happen</strong>. Her parent's did everything for her, have helped her in every way possible. I feel like she's just totally selfish! She can afford to help, she has the time. She just won't. I'm the only daughter, I've done everything in life the "right" way, was a good kid, never had problems, etc. Has anyone else dealt with something similar? What do I do here?
Posted by kaminsky11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you already know. You continue on your wedding planning without her. Do not share stuff with her if she keeps giving you suggestions that you don't want to hear. </div><div>
</div><div>It's sad that she isn't excited about wanting to help you but there is nothing you can do. The best thing you can do is find people be it other family or friends, or even theknot boards to find people who are enthusiastic about wedding planning. </div><div>
</div><div>I know you want your mom do like other MOB do and get all excited but it sounds like she isn't one of those kinds of moms (your not the first Bride to have this). So just continue on without her and if you really want her to do something with her it sounds like you are going to have to cave in going to her, sucks but if you really want her to share the experience with her your going to have to give in. But if I were you I would just continue on and share your ideas with people who want to hear it.

</div>

Love is Bald · January 2011

ditto Autumn's advice. In the end, its your mom that is missing out. You've already tried working around her schedule but if she is unwilling to cooperate, then do it on your own and let her know when you are going. Bring your closest girlfriends, grandmas, aunts, bridesmaids, whoever you feel is supportive to try on dresses and tell your mom that you really hope she can be there for your special moment.

Have you already picked a wedding date? Maybe she feels that the wedding is far enough away that picking the bridal dress isnt necessary right now to find... i mean, who knows!

Take her suggestions and just say "oh ok, thats something to think about. Thanks for the idea!" and do what you want, since you are paying for it. I think a lot of times moms just want to be heard. I've butted heads with my mom on just about everything but i've had to let go of some less important things and let her do it "her way" just to make her feel like she is contributing to this wedding more than just monetarily. I mean, whatever, the ugly guest book she picked out is not going to be the focal point of our wedding.

Good luck, maybe once the dust settles a little she'll come around.

jcamm11 · January 2011

Maybe she doesn't want to get involved with things like dress shopping because she doesn't intend to pay for anything, and she doesn't want to be pressured. Maybe she really does get bothered by long car drives.

Many of us are good people who work hard, and still have to pay for our own weddings. I am one. We didn't do an engagment ring at all, and we're not doing a HM, but we are paying for RD, + all of wedding ourselves. My Mom didn't have a wedding, doesn't care for weddings, and is barely interested in my planning at all. You're spending so much time crying because you're feeling sorry for yourself. If you stop thinking poor me, and start being thankful for your FI, your ring, your supportive friends/family, and everything the two of you CAN afford to do on your own budget, you won't be crying, you'll be perky with joy!

RebeccaB88 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-problem-really-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cccd2319-2e54-4b79-b1cc-26e845f409b3Post:a3b512d5-040e-4cd8-a484-5c445fd2d4c0">Mom problem, I really need advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]) She was going on and on about how small her ring was and how we needed to switch and blah blah blah. Posted by kaminsky11[/QUOTE]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa here... your mother is seriously suggesting you give her YOUR engagement ring because hers is too small? For reals? Or was this a thinly veiled slam against your father for buying her such a small ring? Either way... just wow.

Okay... you really want to have an involved mom who is as much into your wedding as you are. I can understand that. But you don't have that. The sooner you accept that reality, the better time you will have with the rest of your planning. Let yourself be upset for a few days, it's okay to be really bummed about this, especially if you thought it would be different. But then stand up, and start planning your wedding. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions, and you are paying for it yourself. If she doesn't want to be involved, then you can respect her wishes and not involve her at all. Maybe there are others that you're close to that would love to let you run ideas by them? Your FI is in the wedding too, how much does he want to be involved?

Muffin'sMom · January 2011

I know from long and painful personal experience that just because someone is a mom does not make them a good person much less a good mom. You clearly understand who she is and why she is that way. People behave the way they do because they have been allowed to do so...and clearly she was raised that way. I know that when something like your wedding comes up, in your heart there is the hope that just this once they will be there for you, and it hurts a lot when it doesn't happen.

Move on. Surround yourself with your family of choice who love you even if they donb't share your DNA. I have 35 years experience doing this, and while there have been sad times, my life has been made amazing by sharing it with the people I love and who love me back.

marleylikeair · January 2011

Everything PPs have said, and also, check your private messages.

seniah · January 2011

My mom was totally weird during my wedding planning too. I later found out she didn't want to get involved because her mother had micro-managed my mom's wedding - to the point my mother was allowed to choose 1 friend, my dad 5. They were young (and pregnant) and her mother took over everything. So she did the complete opposite with me.

Ximena M · January 2011

She sounds just like my mom. Very self-centered and all about her. I asked my close friend to help me instead. My stepmother is being very supportive too.

sassybanana · January 2011

"She very quickly made our engagement about her. And I don't mean by starting to plan everything, I mean the exact opposite. She loves my fiancee, I feel like she loves him more than she loves me at times. (I'm not overexaggerating) She was going on and on about how small her ring was and how we needed to switch and blah blah blah."

Dear Bride,
I feel like you may be a little bit too hard on yourself and feeling like you are the problem, well it's not. This is really supposed to be a joyous time!
I feel like your mom is poo-pooing on your wedding because of her own inadequacy or is just plain JEALOUS. Man issues? Ring inadequacy? Loves your FI more than you? She sounds like a cynical..you know what..Maybe she is sad that her wedding/husband/marraige wasn't everything she wanted.
It is a real shame that she cannot celebrate this occasion in your life, and be supportive of your bride-ness! Sounds like it's not you, but her own issues.

Catwoman708 · January 2011

So sorry your feelings are hurt.

It is obvious your mom is not into being supportive, helpful, or involved with your wedding. So just leave her out of the planning process, essentially telling her when and where to show up.

If you insist on trying to involve her, it will be more of the same. If at some point she "comes around" and offers help, tell her not to worry, everything is taken care of, then change the subject.

pantherpi08 · January 2011

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have tried to involve my mother in every way: asked her to look at dresses with me, tried to TALK about the wedding....the same things you have been doing, and NOTHING. She will either change the subject or get really quiet, not wanting to talk at all anymore. I have spent SO much time crying and trying to figure out what is going on, and it sucks! I want a mom who is there and happy for me, just like you do, and it's just not going to happen. I don't like it just as much as you do.

Mom problem, I really need advice!

Re: Mom problem, I really need advice!

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