Is this common and how do I handle this

44lobster · November 2010

Hi Ladies, its been almost 3 weeks since my wedding. On Monday we opened our cardbox and, to our surprise, 5 of my guests did not give us a card and 8 of his guests. Since then, we contacted these people to let them know that we were back from our honeymoon and hoped they would mention it. Two on my side admitted to forgetting and 4 on his side promised to mail us cards, the rest have not mentioned anything. Have any of you experienced this and, if so how do we bring it up/handle it? Its extremely awkward and disappointing that after all the planning and details, some people didn't even think we were worth a card. Help.

probablykate · November 2010

I'm confused, did they give you a gift and just not a card, or did they not give you anything?

LessThanZero · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_this-common-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:113Discussion:f6927286-19c6-4a60-b871-bc60536abb86Post:cd1ca459-dbcd-4d40-b7a4-1dd092e47f22">Re: Is this common and how do I handle this</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused, did they give you a gift and just not a card, or did they not give you anything?
Posted by probablykate[/QUOTE]

Yeah this. I need more details.

psichick · November 2010

the details don't matter. people don't have to give you a gift or even a card. it's kind of rude not to at least send a card, but that's on them, not you. yes it's disappointing but there's nothing you can do. do not mention it to them, it just makes you look gift grabby. if they send you a card and/or gift then great send them a thank you note. if not, move on as there's nothing more to do.

kaitlyn142 · November 2010

You invited the guests you did because you wanted them to be part of your celebration, not because you wanted their presesnts. You have to look at it that way. Gifts are just that, not a requirement.

44lobster · November 2010

No gift, no card. Yes I invited people because I wanted them there but No card? Not everyone can afford a gift but I think everyone could afford a card. Some sort of acknowledgement that they took part in our special day. Had I received cards with no gift, I wouldnt have been so surprised but who goes to any party without giving some sort of card. Maybe I was just expecting too much.

44lobster · November 2010

Also, how do I make sure that the cards weren't lost or stolen at the reception. I have heard stories where this has happened. Because quite a few are unaccounted for (including from my man of honor and matron of honor), I thought maybe it was a possibility and thats why I was wondering how to approach it. Let's face it, the reception is a whirlwind and there are some shady characters that works at these places, but I guess I there's no way for me to know now if this is even a possibility.

kristinanddan · November 2010

You do nothing. If they ever mention you not cashing a check, then you tell them you didn't get it, but otherwise you do nothing. No one is obligated to give you a gift, and some people just don't give cards. Some people forget, and others "forget".

bridaljoy · November 2010

I have been married for almost a year and I am still waiting, some was my family. People are rude and I can't understand it. Don't say or do anything, just wait for when they get married.

Riss91 · November 2010

PP are right. It's odd and sad that they didn't acknowledge the event with a card, but the only thing you can do about it is let it go and move on. We actually brought a card to an OOT wedding and didn't realize we had forgotten to give them the card until a year later when my husband put his winter coat on again. Sometimes people have all good intentions and things happen. Personally, I don't get all worked up over it. They spent a lot of time, money and effort just getting to and attending my wedding. I'm not going to let a card cause a rift.

I also had checks given to us as gifts that were bad and we incurred return check fees for them. I didn't contact those people either. It's way too awkward and not worth it to me. Yes they're a bit rude for not making sure they had the balance to cover it, but it's not worth getting into a discussion over.

TerriandJoe · November 2010

It sucks that it it happens. But there really isn't anything you can do about it.

We opened all our cards two mornings after the wedding. The only one I remember in this similar situation, is the card (from a friend of mine) that was in an envelope with the flap tucked in. The reason I remember it was that there was nothing in the card.

But we had no idea that there were other people who ddin't give us anything until we started doing thank yous.

Turned out, It's nice my friend gave us that card. Because during thank yous we realized two people didn't give us anything.

So, briefly how we worded our thank yous :

friend A - ... thank you so much for the beautiful card and for spending our soecial day with us! ... PS - also thanks so much for my present!

B and C - ... thank you so much for sharing our special day! ...

I figured by writing that, and not saying "thank you so much for your thoughtful gift", some might have an "oops I forgot" moment.

We were doing picture thank yous, so we didn't want to not send one. Figured that would be more noticeable.

It's been two or three months since the thank yous went out. (And none of them have said (or sent) anything). By now, I've let it go. (Unless of course a relevant question appears on the knot! lol!) And of course, we will never forget those who "forgot". Or those whose gifts were very memorable (either because of a very high dollar amount or a very, low amount)

You never forget.

It sucks. But yeah, it happens.

And like pp said, etiquette does state that a wedding gift is not required. (A shower gift, however, is)

Midgette · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_this-common-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:113Discussion:f6927286-19c6-4a60-b871-bc60536abb86Post:9a2571e0-c64c-44d7-890b-2575681662ed">Re: Is this common and how do I handle this</a>:
[QUOTE]You do nothing. If they ever mention you not cashing a check, then you tell them you didn't get it, but otherwise you do nothing. Some people forget, and others "forget".
Posted by kristinanddan[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS!!!!!</div><div>We had people at our engagement party tell us they forgot the card at home, and still never got anything. And we had people at our wedding not give a card or anything. It happens.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

44lobster · November 2010

Thank you all for the advice. I guess its a lot more common than I thought so I feel better about it. On the one hand I was taking it personally that people didnt care enough to even give a card and on the other hand I started thinking of crazy conspiracy theories of them being stolen. Definitely not worth so much thought. It was a beautiful day and I have no regrets. That's enough for me.

Kris0816 · November 2010

The most important thing when it all comes down to it is that family and friends you love come to support and celebrate your wedding day. In the end that is all that matters!!

jeanna85 · November 2010

i dont get what the problem is. they took time out of their day to see you get married. yes, it would have been a nice gesture to at least send a card but its not required. i think someone's prescence and company is more important than a piece of paper.

ssage · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_this-common-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:113Discussion:f6927286-19c6-4a60-b871-bc60536abb86Post:288a6612-58fa-4bde-b8ac-6c010ba42ad3">Re: Is this common and how do I handle this</a>:
[QUOTE]the details don't matter. people don't have to give you a gift or even a card. it's kind of rude not to at least send a card, but that's on them, not you. yes it's disappointing but there's nothing you can do. do not mention it to them, it just makes you look gift grabby. if they send you a card and/or gift then great send them a thank you note. if not, move on as there's nothing more to do.
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

This. It sucks, but there is nothing you can do about it. And by no means should you mention it.

MYLOVE315 · November 2010

I for one am appalled. I can not and will not accept that its ok for anyone to atttend any function - especially a wedding and not bring a gift. If ya can't afford it then you shouldn't attend. Sure you don't compile your wedding list by all the great gift givers who will come. It sure is about the day and I was thoughtful enough to include YOU on my guest list and I was thoughtful enough to include the fact that I'll be paying $150 for YOU to eat & drink on my beautiful day but you can't be thoughtful enough and give a small token of acknowleldgement? Uncacceptable behavior. In this day and age its no easy feat to run a wedding. I just am against thoughtlessness and that is the ultimate of being thoughtless especially on someone's wedding day! You live you learn. In my book those thoughtless people I'll just thank for opening up my eyes and crossing them off my list for the future. How people can look themesleves in the mirror by being like that is beyond my comprehension. I guess I was brought up differently. No matter what the occassion you never come empty handed and that's a good way to be as far as I'm concerned. LOL God help the person that ends up being thoughtless at my wedding.

sjsphish · November 2010

I am with MYLOVE and totally agree that it is unacceptable to come to an event like that empty handed - at least bring a card! That being said, I STILL agree with all pp's that as rude as it is, you still DO NOT point it out to the guests. I too had people come without a card or anything (some of whom were in the wedding party) but it comes across as gift grabby/awkward if you bring it up. Be the bigger person and just let it go.

Little Spitfire · December 2010

This happened with a few of our guests - no gift or card. When contemplating the situation before the wedding I thought it would bother me, but after experiencing the wonderful feeling of everyone putting in so much time, effort, and expense to attend the wedding, I'm grateful they were there and that's it. Some of those people were wedding party members, and I honestly didn't expect a gift from them after the spent so much to be at the wedding (some traveled far) or to buy the dress/hotel room/hair, etc. And so many people were so very generous with us. I just feel like these other people probably have a reason and that we were not entitled to a gift from every guest. The economy is really tough right now, and I would have rather had someone attend the wedding and celebrate with us than stay home because they didn't have an extra $100 to put in a card. That $100 may buy a blender we'll use for 5-10 years, but the memories of our families partying with us on the dancefloor make me happy every day for the rest of my life

Is this common and how do I handle this

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