Getting married before deploying? Need advice.
My FI and I find ourselves in a bit of a difficult situation.
My FI is in the army and has already served one tour in Iraq. The possibility of his unit deploying in early 2011 had creeping up on us a few months before we got engaged this past December. Before we got engaged, we discussed what we would do if he did have to deploy, and we decided that we would want to get married first. We didn’t make any decisions about whether this would be a simple legal marriage or a full-scale wedding. If he did not deploy, we agreed to wait until I graduate college (2013) to get married, for simplicity’s sake.
Well, now it’s looking almost certain that his unit will be deploying to Afghanistan in early 2011. We talked about it, and since we have reasonable amount of time to plan a wedding without being too rushed, we want to get married in December 2010.
The problem is how to explain this to my parents. When we got engaged, they said that they would prefer for us to wait until after I graduate to get married. (I did explain to them that if my FI was ever going to deploy before then, we would want to get married.) We’re not worried about money. I respect my parents a lot and just want their approval, but I’m worried they will think we’re getting ahead of ourselves. They will probably be fine with a simple legal marriage, but I’m not sure about how they’ll handle the idea of a wedding. My FI’s parents are very supportive of our plans though.
Any advice on what to do? Wedding? No wedding? What to tell my parents?
TL;DR - FI likely deploying in early 2011. We want to get married before then. Worried about my parent's approval because I'm still in college.
Re: Getting married before deploying? Need advice.
BFP 02/2010 m/c 03/17/2010 dx PCOS 04/2010
BFP 08/13/2011 CP 08/15/2011
BFP 09/16/2011 EDD 05/20/2012
Claire Elizabeth, born 5/30 via a med free birth
I understand where you are coming from. My FI is in the Army and we were planning on getting married and were talking about the engagement, then we got his orders that will send him to Germany for 3 years. So, if I wanted to go with him, we had to push up all the plans. We were both fine with this, and so were his parents. My parents were furious. They felt I would be giving up my education (I have both a BS and MS) just to be a stay at home wife. So, we came to a compromise. Now my parents are happy and I am getting married in May (though we did the JOP in January for the paperwork). Try talking to your parents. They may or may not accept it, but in the end you are an adult. Explain the benefits of being married while he is deployed (separation pay, etc.) and see why they are against it. Is it just graduation? Plus, he will be gone for at least 12 months, so I don't see why that would interfere with school. All you can do is talk to them. From there, you need to make the decision that is best for both you and your FI.
BFP 02/2010 m/c 03/17/2010 dx PCOS 04/2010
BFP 08/13/2011 CP 08/15/2011
BFP 09/16/2011 EDD 05/20/2012
Claire Elizabeth, born 5/30 via a med free birth
You have a year.. I think that is a reasonably long engagement and enough time for your parents to get used to the idea. Seriously, if they didn't like it, aren't you still going to do it anyways. You're an adult.
I'm a junior in college, and we got married before I graduated because he is deploying also. Neither of our parents cared because I am obviously not going to drop out of school. I hate the whole courthouse wedding things and reception later which is common with military relationships. Do your wedding right the first time (within your budget).
A year is a decent engagement. Yes, it'd be nice to finish school first in the grand scheme of things IMO but you'll still finish. Just tell your parents when you want. They might be upset at first, maybe, but they'll want you to be happy in the end.
As to the what kind of wedding, it's up to you. 2011 is still nine months away so you could plan a very nice wedding in that time, easily. Or do something small or JOP. Whatever you and your FI want really.
[QUOTE] They will probably be fine with a simple legal marriage, but I’m not sure about how they’ll handle the idea of a wedding. My FI’s parents are very supportive of our plans though. [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">So they would be ok with a JOP but are against the idea of a whole huge wedding. So I say it's a compromise to do the JOP now, and plan the big wedding later. She gets to be married now, and can plan the big celebration later, at a time when the parents approve.
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My FI and I had the same plan, and now with us moving across country and finding out he would be deployed sooner, we bumped our wedding up from December to July. It was only 5 months sooner, but only left us with about 5 months to plan it. However we have had no problems booking anything (we are having a Friday wedding, which helps with availability). We have a big wedding planned, but still may have to go the JOP beforehand to make sure all the paperwork goes through before we move and he is deployed.
We had talked about it even before getting engaged, and said that we would be married before he was deployed so that we could get the benefits and I would have access to the base and other things. One of the most important things though was the security of knowing that if, God forbid, anything should happen to him I would be the person to make the decisions and also that I would be taken care of. It's not an easy thing to accept, but its a reality we have to deal with.
I think you should go ahead and get married. Especially if you're both ready to be married. My fiance and I got engaged in January and were planning a wedding for April 2011. However, the Army changed his deployment from 6 months to 1 year and he will now be leaving in July instead of August. We have decided that since we are both ready to be married and want to start a family when he returns, we are having a small, private ceremony for our families this sumemr b/f he goes and when he returns doing a much bigger one to renew our vows.
If you and your fiance have discussed both options, and are happy with your decision then I say go for it! Have your wedding before he goes. As his wife, you'll be much more informed of things as well than just being a fiance.
Hope this helps.