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Military Brides

FI is pissed at me, a vent

So, FI is pissed with me. Because I am really bad at just telling him he's right. 

Basically he's living sort of dorm/suite style with the guy from here that he drove there with. The guy seems nice, but he's also pretty anal about keeping things clean and he's a marathoner in his spare time, so he's super into fitness and eating right. FI is pretty messy. I know I've talked on here before about how his parents are (keep on pushing it over the) borderline hoarders, so that's what he grew up with. He went from their house, to dorms, to pretty much living with me, into some housing at his training, and then lived with a couple of guys on base in P-cola before I moved down there and we lived together. He doesn't do any cleaning when he lives with me, because I just take care of it. He got in at least one kind of tiff with his former roommates in P-cola over messiness, and I think some people may remember back in August when I saw what became "our" apartment for the first time and it was a holy wreck and I had a small breakdown. 

FI is also really not good at watching what he eats, and, of course, he asked the marathoner to help him with his diet and exercise. Which was an awful idea because the marathoner is actually trying to help, and FI is supremely bad at taking what he perceives as "slights." He's better at it now, but he still gets pissy when someone gets on his butt about something, because he sees it as them "talking down," even when they're right. 

Anyways, I called him tonight to get some info for a bill I was paying and he starts going off about how he feels like his roommate and the girl from here that's also in classes with them are talking to him like he's a child. They apparently keep moving his stuff and he feels like they're talking to him like a child. So, like a petulant child, he just walked out of the apartment while they were doing their St. Paddy's dinner and went to drink with another guy in the class. He starts going off about how his roommate is anal and has a stick up his butt and needs to stop moving his crap. They've apparently been texting him to see what's wrong, but he won't answer them. So, I , ever the mediator, respond to him going off about how cleanly his roommate is, respond with, "Well, honey, you are really messy," to which he responds by hanging up on me. I'm more exasperated than pissed.

He's out of his element, and he's really having to lean hard on the two people from here that he's in class with, both for studying, living, and because he doesn't have a car there. He's very opposite of a lot of military guys because he's horrible at working out, has put on some weight and can't figure out how to lose it, has awful eating habits, and is really messy. He's trying with the weight thing, I think, but not as hard as people like his roommate think he could be. He doesn't care at all about mess because of how he was raised.  That's also where he gets the idea that anyone who tries to talk about his flaws or how he could improve is "talking down," he's super sensitive to condescension, even to the point that he sees it where none exists, thanks FMIL!

I guess I just don't want him to alienate these people, especially because he's going to still be working really closely with them and socializing with them once he's back here. He's pretty bad at making friends, and pretty bad at taking criticism. And I know there's not much I can do about the situation now.  I was trying to start a conversation with him about how they needed to clear the air and that they both need to compromise, but he just shut me down. I'm just worried because he's still there for another two months, and the last thing he needs to do is get cold-shouldered out of study sessions and such because he keeps blowing his lid over this. And I'm also worried that he's going to go back there drunk tonight and get ridiculous. 

Thanks for letting me vent, I realize that I can't protect him from himself, but I can't help wanting to minimize the damage. 
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Re: FI is pissed at me, a vent

  • Oh geez, I'm really sorry Divine :/ My FI is the same way and yea, it is because of the way he was raised. He always had maids to do it for him when he was younger, so even now he still has trouble with picking up his mess. I really hope that things get sorted out and that he cools down enough to see that no one is trying to talk down to him, that those two people are only trying to help him. I know there's not much we can do sometimes as their SOs but we can always be supportive and encouraging to try and get them to see reason. :) Sometimes they just make it WAY too difficult on themselves.
  • Honestly I think your FI should seek some type of counseling.  If he is has the obsessive tendencies of hoarder parents in his genes, then someone telling him to be neater isn't going to do anything.  Also if he can't handle constructive criticism from someone that he has asked to help him, then he probably has some other issues underlying.  There is a lot of bigger issues behind these behaviors and reactions that can't just be fixed by telling him he's messy or cleaning his stuff for him.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • Beachy-I don't think you're wrong, at all. 

    He got some therapy after we got engaged but before I moved in dealing more with his criticism issues than the messiness. I think the hoarding stuff has only really become apparent to him in the past year and a half since he's really lived in his own home and been in other people's to see that not everyone lives the way he was brought up. It's not that they keep things because they have value, so much as it is that they just keep things and don't every clean or throw things, even trash away. I don't know if it's hoarding, laziness, or a combination. We don't have any of his childhood things or anything from his family's house here except clothes and a few papers. 

    He'd been doing a lot better with the criticism, really, until he went TDY, since then it's been rearing its head. They're all in a really high-stress situation (mental stress more than physical, but still), and I think it's eating at everyone, especially with this demon-Odd-Couple situation they're living in. The courses are difficult and fast-paced, and FI is really trying to prove himself after being re-classed. I just hate that instead of either of them sitting the other down and talking that they're just being really passive aggressive about it. And I also know that if his roommate tried to sit him down and talk that FI might not take it well. 

    FI's parents really screwed him in terms of him living in the real world with other people. It's something that every time I think I've forgiven them for it, something like this happens. I realize he's an adult and it's up to him how he deals with the world, but, damn, it's so pervasive. He was raised with such an insular us-against-the-world view, and what kills me is that it was pretty much his mom's doing but his dad did nothing to stop it. It's why I'm so very leery of home-schooling. They aren't crazy fundamentalists; he and his brother were just really not socialized at all. His mom accomplished most of her parenting through passive aggression, and his dad, while present, just kind of lets her do what she wants because it's not worth dealing with her angry. They were both constantly told what geniuses they were, and while they're both pretty smart, FI constantly feels like a failure if he doesn't get something right off the bat because he's supposed to be the best. Because he never had peers to measure against until he was 18. And once he got into a serious relationship with me, his mom accused him of tearing the family apart. 

    There was a huge blow up with them over Christmas, and since then things have settled a bit with them. He's pulled away a lot, which was painful but ultimately the best choice for him. 

    I've suggested that he see someone there if he can. I don't necessarily think his roommate must be right and he must be wrong, or vice versa, but he's got time left there, and then will still see this guy every working day and at office/military functions, so being an a$$ won't help anything. 
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  • Honestly, he needs to learn to live with other people. It isn't fair to his roommates or you. You said that when you live together, you just take care of it. That isn't fair to you or to him.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
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