What to do with my should-have-been bridesmaid?

spritsyus · December 2011

Long story short, my best friend agreed to be a bridesmaid, but canceled when her controlling boyfriend made her. I waited and waited, but ended up asking someone else. Now I have nothing for my recently single best friend to do! What can I do to include her without making her feel bad for ditching me? I don't want an uneven bridal party and my groom can't add another groomsman because the tux they ordered has been discontinued (but he and his guys reserved it in time). I thought about having her do the guest book or add her on as an usher, but I don't know. Any ideas?

VeggieLove1022 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b9e87e13-32e7-4a9e-884a-b0da2e8f3215Post:692afd06-d972-44b9-9789-b9e817a810ed">What to do with my should-have-been bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Long story short, my best friend agreed to be a bridesmaid, but canceled when her controlling boyfriend made her. I waited and waited, but ended up asking someone else. Now I have nothing for my recently single best friend to do! What can I do to include her without making her feel bad for ditching me? I don't want an uneven bridal party and my groom can't add another groomsman because the tux they ordered has been discontinued (but he and his guys reserved it in time). I thought about having her do the guest book or add her on as an usher, but I don't know. Any ideas?
Posted by spritsyus[/QUOTE]

Okay..... First, you should have never replaced your original BM. You probably made the new BM feel second best, even if she doesn't admit it. You also probably made the original BM feel replaceable, again, even if she doesn't admit it.

When your original BM cancelled you should have understood and moved on. Things change between now and the wedding date and you could have left the option open for her.

So now you're recently single friend can either be a BM like she was intended to do if she still wants to, or she can spend your wedding day stress free as a guest. Don't give her some bullshiit job such as guest book attendant, because that's all it is, a bullshiit job. And "make her feel bad for ditching me" ??? She shouldn't feel bad at all, she was obligated to a relationship which was none of your business to judge, but whatever. Say to her, "I'm so sorry I replaced you like you were just a prop in my wedding. You really are more important to me than. Forgive me?" and carry on.

The whole 'uneven wedding party' thing is a total joke. You pick your nearest and dearest friends/family and your FI picks his. You have NO say in his and he has NO say in yours, including how many. If he has 3 and you have 6, so be it. This is not a play you're assigning roles for. These are the most important people in your life, not some random person just to make things look even. And for what it's worth, no one will notice if your party is not even. No one at all.

Viczaesar · December 2011

Definitely don't do guestbook. Either a reader or have her be a bridesmaid again. You shouldn't have replaced her in the first place, and your friend's feelings should be more important to you than even numbers.

kmmssg · December 2011

Why is even numbers more important than including your friend as a BM, especially since she had ditched her controlling dirtbag? It is hard to get out of a relationship like that. Ask her to rejoin your bridal party and quit worrying about numbers. 20 years from now, when you look at your wedding pictures, I'll bet you'll be happier to see her in them than to see even numbers.

MyNameIsNot · December 2011

Just explain to her that you care more about even sides than you do about her.

Once she sees your true colors, she won't be your friend much longer, and the problem with solve itself.

AurorasEnvy · December 2011

I'd offer her the option to be a BM again. If she declines, she can just be your guest.

banana468 · December 2011

Why can't she be a BM?

Imagine the ridiculousness of this conversation, "I'd love to have you in the wedding but the sides wouldn't be even."

Seriously - would you do that anywhere else? "I'd invite you over for dinner but then there'd be an uneven number at the table."? No. Just ask her.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

Reader is the about the only other "honor" position that's actually the honor.

Replacing BMs and sticking to even numbers when it doesn't make sense makes it sound like you care about these people more as props than as your friends. Taken out of the wedding context, that's not right, is it? Ask her to be a BM again, as she was before. Uneven sides won't matter.

graysquirrel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b9e87e13-32e7-4a9e-884a-b0da2e8f3215Post:d992dbd9-25f0-4fd1-afe1-d91a719176a4">Re: What to do with my should-have-been bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why can't she be a BM? Imagine the ridiculousness of this conversation, "I'd love to have you in the wedding but the sides wouldn't be even." Seriously - would you do that anywhere else? "I'd invite you over for dinner but then there'd be an uneven number at the table."? No. Just ask her.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

This exactly! Even numbers are NOT necessary and nobody cares any more. Friends should be more important than symmetrical pairs. If my best friend got out of a controlling relationship, I would be ecstatic for her, not worried about how it might throw off my feng shui.

I would ask her if she has changed her mind about being a BM and see what she says. If she says yes then you get your good friend up there with you like you originally wanted. If she says no, then you continue on like you have been.

sjhansen28 · December 2011

I think having her as a reader would be nice to do, if you guys are doing a reading. If not, she can just be a guest and have fun at your wedding with you. If she's just a guest, I would make sure that you include her in getting ready with your bridesmaids if you're doing that. I think that since she means a lot to you, having her there would be important and she could feel included. If I had to step down as a bridesmaid because of a boyfriend, honestly I probably wouldn't want to be asked again. I'd be too embarrassed. It's up to you if you want even sides, and this is kind of a sticky situation to be in. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!

Maggie0829 · December 2011

So you would prefer to have an even wedding parting instead of including a very close friend? Wow, that is horrible. I can't believe that numbers are more important then a friend.

It is great that your friend got out of what sounded like an abusive relationship, which is why she dropped out of your wedding, not that she wanted to, but that she was probably afraid to go against her nasty ex...and now you won't include her because you won't have an even wedding party.

I think you need to rethink what is and is not important to you. Even wedding parties are a thing of the past...people should always come before what you want you pretty princess day to look like.

spritsyus · December 2011

I think you guys are right about the uneven bridesmaid party, I have been rethinking it a lot, and it wouldn't hurt me to have it. I think the problem has been that I have felt pretty resentful about her dumping a 23 year friendship for a 6 month relationship. I am happy she is back in my life, so I should ask her back. Thanks!

spritsyus · December 2011

Thanks for your input, I only "replaced" her because my other friend was there for me all the time and I had wanted to ask her in the first place. Now that I am going to have an uneven wedding party (which kills my OCD), do I just have a groomsmen walk two bms down or have her walk alone?

RaptorSLH · December 2011

Or you can have them alternate: BM GM BM GM BM

The resentfulness is understandable, but please try to understand: separating people from their loved ones is what abusive SO's do at the start of a relationship. It's standard MO for creeps like that, and there wouldn't be so many tragiclly abusive relationships if iit didn't work. That he succeeded says more about his skill at manipulation than it does about your friendship.

Regarding your OCD, please believe me when I say I mean this to be helpful, not sarcastic: get professional help. The occasion of your wedding is the perfect time to start managing this (because it doesn't sound well managed now.) Little things will go wrong or be out of place, emotions will be running high to begin with, and if you're going to spend your entire wedding staightening napkins, obsessing over the exact amount of leg or clevage Aunt Judy is showing, or telling people they can't be in pictures because it throws off the symmetry...you are going to be absolutely miserable on what should be one of the happiest days of your life.

charri32 · December 2011

MyNameIsNot: I have read multiple posts from you today and you are not very nice! I think you should be a bit more sensitive in realizing that this is a very emotional time for people, and that it's hard to deal with these issues. If you don't have anything constructive to say, then you shouldn't post at all.

spritsyus · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b9e87e13-32e7-4a9e-884a-b0da2e8f3215Post:dec4ee1f-2b6c-4f10-aa08-5fc94f239949">Re: What to do with my should-have-been bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]MyNameIsNot: I have read multiple posts from you today and you are not very nice! I think you should be a bit more sensitive in realizing that this is a very emotional time for people, and that it's hard to deal with these issues. If you don't have anything constructive to say, then you shouldn't post at all.
Posted by charri32[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup.</div>

What to do with my should-have-been bridesmaid?

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