Future MIL's Guest List

CMM724 · January 2010

So my future MIL gave me her invite list a few weeks ago and she has 85 people on it! My mom's list (including my friends) is only 65. I've been told by several friends that their lists should be pretty even. The same people also asked who was paying for the weddig, my parents and my future hubby and I are the only one's pitching in. His parents are only paying for the rehersal dinner.

It was advised to me that if future hubby's parents aren't paying for reception and such then they should be the ones to cut their list or offer to pay for the extras. I am asking about this now b/c the moms, future hubby and I are getting together to go over the lists and I want some help!

Thanks

mscutieri · January 2010

Usually it is helpful and fair to give a number allowed before they put their lists together so that they have a guideline. If this is too many for you and your parent's to afford, then you have to tell her to cut. If she is unwilling to cut then she will have to pay for her extra guests.

squirrly · January 2010

You should know how many guests you can have at the wedding. There are any number of ways to divide up the guest list. For us, FI and I made our own list. We showed our parents, and asked if they wanted to add anyone. Each mom gave us one couple to add.

Some people do 1/3 to the Bride's parents, 1/3 to the groom's parents, and 1/3 to the bride and groom.

Pick a method. Tell FMIL how many people she can invite. If she doesn't cut the list, let her know you and FI will have to make cuts for her.

It is NOT necessary for her list and your mother's list to be equal. Just both within the budget.

sarah0725 · January 2010

Who's on the list? Does FI have a bigger family than you have, or are these people FMIL's golf buddies? Does FI know and like the people who are on the list? Does he think that these people should be invited?

In a perfect world, the bride and groom have relatively even sides at a wedding, but there are lots of factors that might lead one side to have more, especially if one of the families just happens to be larger. Don't go over budget or invite more people than your venue can fit, but be human also. Make sure your FI gets to invite his important family members.

CMM724 · January 2010

Well, we told them how many they could have based on inviting 150 guests. FMIL ALSO says she has a B list and I told her no she didn't. Even her son told her invite who you want there isn't room for a B list. His mom just went nuts and invited a lot of people and she isn't going to like it when we remind her of the limit and that she went over.

I just need a nicer way of telling her this...because you can imagine what I want to say.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

If she verbally invited lots of people who arent going to make the final list, then she sure is going to feel like an ass calling them and telling them seh jumped the gun.

I don't know if I'd discuss the guest list with both sides of the family at once. That could lead to much fighting and resentment. Let FI look at her list and talk to her about who would not be his 1st choice to attend..

SarahPLiz · January 2010

so doens't 65+85 = 150? I don't get the issue here. If you told her max 150 and she gave you up to 150, then she didn't do anything wrong. The sides don't have to be even at all. FI's side has 5 people, our mutual friends take up another 10, and the other 70 are my family. That's just how it works out sometimes.

squirrly · January 2010

"FMIL, you can only invite X guests. Please cut down your list."

That should get the message across.

lestes09 · January 2010

Well, I am kind of battling the same thing, only its with my side of the family and that makes it easier to tell them no. What I would do if I was in your shoes is you and your fiance go through the list, and take of the people that you don't want, then show her the final list, and if she would like to add someone you deleted, then make her delete someone else. Its your wedding, and you don't have to feel obligated to do anything you can't afford! Good Luck Girlie!

CMM724 · January 2010

Part of the issue is she isn't chipping in for anything save the rehersal dinner so I don't think its fair that she's inviting 85 people when my own mother cut her list to 65 (and she is chipping in). They have a big family, but that isn't my fault. Actually just got a call from her telling me her sister and bro-in-law can't come, so she'll be adding in two to replace them, um no no you won't.

Thankfully future hubby told her just that, it wasn't taken well. Which does not look good for me telling her she needs to cut more.

What I failed to mention first is that our max invite is 150, but we'd like to really invite closer to 130 or less. If I really had my way we would only be inviting our families and my friends and his...that would be MY ideal wedding!!

sarah0725 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mils-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:619789be-43f8-4c3e-bf32-af0daf12e7d9Post:2969c790-a627-4409-9bda-8fe4fbc85d2c">Re: Future MIL's Guest List</a>:
[QUOTE]Part of the issue is she isn't chipping in for anything save the rehersal dinner so I don't think its fair that she's inviting 85 people when my own mother cut her list to 65 (and she is chipping in). <strong>They have a big family, but that isn't my fault. </strong> Actually just got a call from her telling me her sister and bro-in-law can't come, so she'll be adding in two to replace them, um no no you won't. Thankfully future hubby told her just that, it wasn't taken well. Which does not look good for me telling her she needs to cut more. What I failed to mention first is that our max invite is 150, but we'd like to really invite closer to 130 or less. If I really had my way we would only be inviting our families and my friends and his...that would be MY ideal wedding!!
Posted by CMM724[/QUOTE]

Whoawhoawhoawhoa. This just strikes me as terribly uncharitable. You are faulting your FMIL because she wants to invite her brothers and sisters? This just doesn't sound right to me at all.

I understand you have space and budget constraints, but I'm not getting a sense here that you have any empathy for your FMIL's concerns, and empathy is necessary to solve any sort of disagreement.

psichick · January 2010

i wouldn't do the whole asking her to pay for the extras thing because that can cause a very uncomfortable situation after the wedding when you have to ask her for money.

if anything just say to her "you have x number of guests that you can invite. please cut your list to that" and leave it alone. if she throws a fit tell her that your budget only allows for that many guests, so that's it. you don't have to tell her how many guests are coming on your side, you don't have to tell her how much your parents are contributing, you don't have to tell her anything. just tell her to cut the list and that's that.

CMM724 · January 2010

Im not faulting them for having a big family at all. My future hubby said he felt they were being faulted. It's my FFIL's family that's huge and I want all of them to come!! I also want her considerably smaller family to come too. What I don't want are the random people she seems to be pulling out of thin air invited like her neighbors sons and spouses...no need for that, at least I don't think so.

My mom does want her to help IF she wants to keep adding people to the invite list.

dsouldiva · January 2010

Here's what I would do,

Work out your max number of people, Work out how many people you want to invite (i.e. you & fi's friends) and subtract that from the total number, then split the remaining number in two, go back to parents and say "you can only invite xx number of people, otherwise we will go over our budget and we can't afford to do that", please come back to us with you list of xx guests.

If you are paying then you kind of get the final say in who gets invited, but be mindful that this is Fi's family and his mother will want them there.

I would sit down with Fi and display a united front on this one,

betrothed123 · January 2010

1. It doesn't matter who is paying, the guest list needs to be equal (not equal in that you each get the same number of invites, but equal in that no one feels like they are being shafted). Obviously your FI feels like he and his family are being shafted. There is a problem there.

2. If your FI's parents are paying for the RD, they are contributing to the wedding. Maybe not the wedding day itself, but you would be out more money fi you had to pay for the RD. Trust me, because my H's parents really didn't pay for anything at all related to the wedding. Guess what, they still had an equal portion of the guest list.

3. Getting both families together to sort this out is a disaster waiting to happen. Work out the guest lists with the families separately. If your mom tells her she need sot pony up for the extra guests your FMIL is not going to be happy, and I don't blame her. That needs to come from your FI.

Thankfully future hubby told her just that, it wasn't taken well. Which does not look good for me telling her she needs to cut more.

4. Your FI needs to stop making you out to be the bad guy to his mom. You both need to compromise to reach a conclusion that makes you both happy, and then when he talks to her he needs to make sure she understands it's coming from both of you, not just you.

CMM724 · January 2010

First off, I want all of his family there - I wasn't clear on that. What I don't want is the random neighbor or person whose kid's wedding they went to ten years ago. future hubbs doesn't even know/remember those people. So those are the people that we both now feel will need cutting.

Future hubbs and I did have a long convo last night and he now gets where I am coming from too and is sorry if he made me out to be the bad guy to his mom. We'll be sitting down with the parents apart to go over the lists. Thanks all for the advice on this!

notaprincessbride · January 2010

Here's I would handle this.

1) Decide what categories of relatives are invited (Aunts & Uncles? First Cousins? Parents' Cousins?) Same rules apply to both sides of family. Figure out how many this is.

2) Add up the non-relatives you and FI want to invite (ie friends). Don't forget spouses, etc.

3) Add 1 & 2 up and subtract from 150. This is your extra, say perhaps 20. If there are no extra people you want to toss in, give each set of parents 10 Wild Card invites for neighbors, friends of theirs, etc.

If they want to go over you can either say no or insist that they pay, it's up to you.
Just make sure not to get money mixed up with invites when you're dealing with family. If your FMIL's list is 20 people longer b/c she invited 20 more 'Wild Cards" than your mom, it's an issue. If they both are inviting approximately equal numbers of non-relatives, it seems petty to punish her b/c her family list is longer. Good luck.

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