Chit Chat

Honor Attendent Issues

Ok..... let's say you have a honor attendant that first and foremost family - your cousin...you promised that when you were kids that we were going to be the main woman in each others weddings.  I was there for her & I have now asked her to be there for me.  She has had health issues for a few years now but has just recently lost quite a bit of weight to where she is about 85lbs and is 5ft 8in tall.  Due to the weight lost other issues have arose and therefore a doctor and surgery have been brought into the mix.  Her surgery is a month before my wedding which doesn't give much time for recuperating.  I mentioned to her that I understood if she wouldn't be able to walk in the wedding & that I totally understand due to the circumstances... all she had to do was tell me.  Her response was that she would keep me up to date with everything and let me know.  I'm thinking let me know when??? (I love her very much but I also know she is a huge procrastinator.)  When are you going to figure out that you are or are not going to be up for walking in my wedding.... two weeks after your surgery (2 weeks before my wedding)....that doesn't really leave any time for me to make any needed adjustments or be able to order the programs & small gift ideas I wanted to add.  I also know that with this surgery she won't be able to participate in any of the functions (or help the other bridesmaids for that matter - more problems I will have to deal with I'm sure)...and I'm ok with that...I understand...b/c I'm thinking of her & what she needs.   I am not trying to be bridezilla, but is wanting to know who is in my wedding that much to ask?  What would you do in my situation?

Re: Honor Attendent Issues

  • Is she a bridesmaid?  No one will be sitting there counting your bridesmaids to notice one is missing.  And if someone asks, just tell them she was unable to attend the wedding (or just butt out of the situation).

    You've asked her to be in the wedding and she is in the wedding whether she walks down the aisle or not.  You can get your programs printed with her in it, have her buy a dress, and she will participate in any pre-wedding things that she is able to.  Leave it up to her, but please don't "ask her to step down" or demand an answer before she can commit.

    Think about a pregnant bridesmaid who is due the day of your wedding.  They may be there, they may not, but they will support you from wherever their health happens to take them.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If I was in your situation - I'd be more concerned about my cousin's health than about the small, insignificant details of my wedding. If she is too ill to walk down the aisle that day, you can still have her listed as a bridesmaid in your program and give her an attendants gift.
    You might want to check out the 'wedding party' board for opinions on bridesmaids duties, replacement bridesmaids, even numbers of GMs and BMs etc....
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honor-attendent-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9fd31109-57f5-464c-acbf-ad95153329b2Post:a9a01276-73f4-4959-88c2-342f6605c377">Honor Attendent Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok..... let's say you have a honor attendant that first and foremost family - your cousin...you promised that when you were kids that we were going to be the main woman in each others weddings.  I was there for her & I have now asked her to be there for me.  She has had health issues for a few years now but has just recently lost quite a bit of weight to where she is about 85lbs and is 5ft 8in tall.  Due to the weight lost other issues have arose and therefore a doctor and surgery have been brought into the mix.  Her surgery is a month before my wedding which doesn't give much time for recuperating.  I mentioned to her that I understood if she wouldn't be able to walk in the wedding & that I totally understand due to the circumstances... all she had to do was tell me.  Her response was that she would keep me up to date with everything and let me know.  I'm thinking let me know when??? (I love her very much but I also know she is a huge procrastinator.)  When are you going to figure out that you are or are not going to be up for walking in my wedding.... two weeks after your surgery (2 weeks before my wedding)....that doesn't really leave any time for me to make any needed adjustments or be able to order the programs & small gift ideas I wanted to add.  I also know that with this surgery she won't be able to participate in any of the functions (or help the other bridesmaids for that matter - more problems I will have to deal with I'm sure)...and I'm ok with that...I understand...b/c I'm thinking of her & what she needs.   I am not trying to be bridezilla, but is wanting to know who is in my wedding that much to ask?  What would you do in my situation?
    Posted by JHGuthrie[/QUOTE]

    First of all, promises that you made as a child are not legally, morally, ethically, spiritually, or even common sense-ically binding. 

    Having said that, I'm far more concerned that your cousin has life threatening medical problems and you're worried about how your WP is going to look?  And whether you should buy her a gift and what to write in the program?  Really?  Can we possibly keep things in perspective here?

    If she is a BM, or even MOH, you do everything assuming she'll be with you on your wedding day.  If she can't, she's still a BM or your MOH.  She's just not there that day.  She's still in the program.  If you've bought gifts, you give her the one you bought her.

    What's the worst that happens here really?  Your program lists 5 BMs and you have 4 standing up.  Someone asks, and you say," My dear cousin had surgery and is still recuperating."  Will you be any less married?

    This isn't a wedding issue, IMO.  This is a "I love my cousin very much, and I'm worried about her health" issue.  Please separate the two, because one shouldn't impact the other.  At all.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow.  Someone important to you has a life threatening illness and you're concerned about how it will reflect on your wedding.  Seriously?

    You need to get a grip.
  • i can't believe this is an issue.  It' simple. make an A and B plan. Is it really that hard? Like the girls said... doesn't seem like you have a good perspective on life. Why put pressure on her to give you a date? do you really think she KNOWS???? omg i don't even know why I replied to this.
  • If you really care about her how you say  and really want her in your wedding then get a wheel chair for her if she cant walk or have the groomsman carry her down the aisle and set her in a chair.


    But the main thing is that she recovers. I know it is your wedding but just let yourself be a little flexible
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I had a 8 month pregnant BM.  She was high-risk and it was an OOT wedding.

    I just went with the flow.  I told her she can me a game day decision on what she wanted to do.  If on the day of the wedding she could not walk or worse could not have even been there, it was no big deal.  She would have still been in the program and I would have sent the flowers to her house.

    I think you are making too much out of this.  You will score way more brownie points if you are understanding of the situation and just let things fall where they will. 







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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