Does anyone else have potential IL's from hades?

Re: Does anyone else have potential IL's from hades?

• bethsmiles member

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  I haven't really had any issues like that but really the best thing you can do in a situation like that is to change the subject.

  
  

  
  

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• jeanacorina

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  Tell her exactly what you said (or ask your BF to do it): You don't know when you're getting married, where you're getting married, or even for certain IF you're getting married.
  
  My family lives in West Virginia and traveled all the way to Louisiana for our wedding, since we had it here. Your BF's mom is getting wound up over a tradition that you may or may not observe, IF you even marry her son.
  
  Also, I think Charleston is a bit more than 5 hours from Pittsburgh, since it's probably 5 hours from my hometown, and Pittsburgh is another 2 hours north. But I could be wrong, and it doesn't even matter right now AT ALL.
  
  You could get married in Mexico and make EVERYONE travel. There's a compromise for you! (we considered that)
  
  Also, keep in mind- if you do end up marrying this guy, you DO "marry his family" so to speak. They'll become your family, too. For better or worse. Just make sure you're prepared for that.
  
  It's not the worst PFMIL (potential future mother in law?) story I've heard, but it's best if you learn to accept her the way she is and be upfront with her. It's harder to build that kind of relationship and figure out where boundaries are after you're already married and going "Uhh, okay, I have a MIL... now what? How do I talk to her? Do I call her? Does she call me? Are we friends? Acquaintances? BFF?"
  
  Good luck!
  

  

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• [Deleted User]

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  BF's family lives in Florida and we're in Vegas and we're flat broke (no money to fly back there), so I haven't met any of his family yet.  I have spoken to his dad and sister (his mom passed away 8 years ago) on the phone and emailed with them many times and we get along great that way.
  
  I agree with Beth, try to change the subject or just make light of it if they won't let up (like when you do decide to get engaged and pick a place, you could decide to go to Hawaii to get married) and then get the subject changed.  If she still won't let up, talk to your BF and have him talk to his mom.

  
  

  Good Luck!

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• katiedidthat

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  We've changed the subject a few times when she's started about the distance, today was just the first time she brought a wedding into it.     I think sometimes her problem stems from the fact that she and bf's father lived 2 miles from one another, met in high school, and never left to go to college, and bf and I met while away at school, so obviously our families weren't going to be next door neighboors. 
  
  I just looked it up on Google maps just for fun, and his grandfather's house(furthest out) is only 3 hours from my home church via I-79, so I really feel like this argument would be pointless even if we WERE talking marriage right now.   Ugh.  Thanks for the advice though guys, I guess it just really seems like a big issue right now because she's never directly started a fight with me before, usually she just complains to my bf and he tells me about it later. 
  

  

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• jeanacorina

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-potential-ils-hades?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:59a28b7f-3bf4-41ea-a8de-9f3b506e95b7Post:8ad4dba5-37ca-4e55-b6a4-cf897a70a618">Re: Does anyone else have potential IL's from hades?</a>:
  [QUOTE]I guess it just really seems like a big issue right now because she's never directly started a fight with me before, usually she just complains to my bf and he tells me about it later. 
  Posted by katiedidthat[/QUOTE]
  
  Well, look at the bright side- seems she's getting comfortable with you!

  

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• Acrosthec

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  My gut reaction was to tell her that if you get married you were thinking of having a destination wedding, but I can be a b!tch like that and I'm having a bad day.
  
  In all seriousness though, just continue to change the subject.  If she presses it, be honest with her and tell her that you just don't know yet, but your home church is an option, as is wherever you live now, as is ______ (fill in the blank with your favorite exotic location), and that you and your SO will decide that when you get engaged.  Above all else, get married where you and your SO want to, and if they get upset, be polite but firm about your decision.  Unless of course they're paying for it, then they have some say.
  
  Good luck!

  
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• **Mutley**

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  I do not.  However, my MOH married into a 'special' family.  You definitely marry the family when you marry the man. 
  
  The boundaries need to be set now.  In-law issues CAN cause serious problems within a relationship.  My MOH got married in April.  She truly thought that things would get better after they were married.  At this point, she has flat out told her husband that if things do NOT change within the next year, she will be filing for divorce.
  
  How does your bf deal with his family?  What kind of relationship do they have?  How have they treated past girlfriends?
  
  I think it is crappy that he lets her complain about you and then relays the information.  For me, that would be very hurtful.  He needs to stop letting his mother disrespect you.  I would talk to him about how he feels when she complains about you to him.  How would he feel if you kept coming to him with complaints from your family?  If the two of you are going to progress down the path to marriage, he needs to help his mom to see that digs are not appropriate and he will not tolerate them. 
  
  

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• rachelkr405

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  I got a great piece of advice from a friend: When the issue is between his family and you, let him be the one to communicate the problem/identify the solution with them. Likewise, if your family is having a problem with him, you are the go-between.

  
  

  Reason being, it's much easier that way to communicate with your own family than with his.

  
  

  That's just my two cents! 

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• jeanacorina

  

  July 2010 edited December 2011

  That sounds like great advice, but beware- letting my husband be the middle man between his family and me has only made things worse over the years. He's a terrible middle-man. His mom and I are both very expressive, and DH tends to cut through all the emotion and just say whatever the end result is or should be.
  
  It actually helped stunt my relationship with my MIL. She and I felt like we didn't even know each other because we had very little one-on-one interaction, and we never talked about the problems and concerns we had with each other. We talked to DH, and he tried to smooth things over the best he could... but honestly, he's not good at being sandwiched between two social, expressive women. He's just too much of a people-pleaser to handle that, it was hard on him.
  
  After receiving advice to "let him handle his family," and having it blow up in my face, I wouldn't do it again. I guess with some families it might work really well, but not with DH's. I'd suggest proceeding with caution. At some point, you'll have to have a relationship with your PFILs (potential future in-laws), and it's easier if that relationship is one in which you can be open, honest, and be yourself.
  

  

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