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Future crazy MIL help

kln8205kln8205 member
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in Not Engaged Yet
Hi!  I'm not married or even engaged yet but I have a BIG problem.  I can't stand his family, especially his mom.  She is the most irritating woman I ever met.  His mom is loud, needs attention and treats my bf like a baby. She lives relatively close to us and calls our apt. frequently.

I've been debating on even taking the relationship further.  I know some will say I must not love him then... I really love him, but hate her. Help? Has anyone felt this way?   
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Re: Future crazy MIL help

  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Kill her with kindness. You don't have to be best friends with her, just be nice to her when you have to be around her. BUT, his mom can only treat him like a baby if he lets her.

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    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
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  • jeanacorinajeanacorina
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    FMIL/MIL problems are really, REALLY common. Everyone has them at some point. As FSU said, you don't have to be friends with her. You WILL need to get along with her if you end up marrying this guy.

    Is she just annoying? That doesn't seem SO bad. Can you live with that for the rest of her life? If not, you really do need to have a sit-down with your BF and talk about his mom. You guys need to set some boundaries so that she doesn't get overwhelming. He may need to talk to her about chilling out a little until you get to know her better. You'll never, NEVER change her, so don't expect that. But you may get to understand and accept her. Have you spent much time with her on your own? You might be surprised.

    The thing is, if you marry him, you DO "marry his family." It's very true. And if you have children, that's a lot more of his family you'll be seeing and dealing with. Are you comfortable with having her involved in raising your kids? To what extent? If she's calling a lot now, just WAIT until you're the mother of her grandchildren.

    You've got to talk to your BF and see what he thinks and how he feels. DO NOT EVER ASK HIM TO CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU AND HIS MOM. That's just cruel. She's his MOTHER. But, you probably do need his help to facilitate a better relationship between the two women he loves.

    And she might always treat him like a baby. That's really between them, not you.
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  • GreenPepperBurgerGreenPepperBurger
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Listen to Jeana.

    If I were in your situation, I'd try and rectify this situation before it goes any further. How does his mother feel about YOU? Does she not like you, or is she just annoying by nature? Personally, I could never be serious with a guy whose family I didn't like or if my family didn't like him.
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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Well, when you marry someone, you marry their family.  My family is dramatic and a huge pain in the butt, but BF accepts them and is extremely polite (even though he thinks they're BSC and they drive him nuts.)

    You don't have to love or even like your BFs family, but if you plan on marrying him one day, you do have to be cordial & respectful to them.  If you really don't think you can do that, then maybe you SHOULD end the relationship.  Asking him to choose between you and his family because you don't like them is WRONG.  Even if he chooses you, he will resent you for it.

    Small side story:  When I was 16, I moved in with my dad and stepmother.  I could not live with my mother any longer (she has BPD and is EXTREMELY difficult to get along with.)  My dad and stepmother welcomed me into their house with open arms.  Well, as some time went on, it was clear to me that my step-mother would use even the TINIEST excuse to show the world what a bad kid I was.  (I didn't smoke/drink/ do drugs, had a steady BF that they knew, and graduated high school with a 3.95/4.00).  I think she did this because she didn't want to pay for my college when the time came.  So, eventually she wanted to try to force my father to kick me out of the house (at 17) because she couldn't take living under the same roof as such a "bad kid"...she made the ultimatum, it's me or her.  Well, my dad chose me...and they got a divorce.

    The moral of the story is, it's not a smart idea to make them choose.

    Hope this helps.

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  • noelle24noelle24
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like you have a BF problem, not a FMIL problem.  If she calls constantly, oversteps boundaries, and treats your BF like a baby, then that's all because he LETS her do those things.  It's up to him to set boundaries and change the nature of their relationship. And trust me, this will not get any better if you get married.

    If the constant calling is irritating, then you need to talk to your BF about it.  How does he feel about all of this? If he also agrees it's a problem, then he needs to man-up and talk to his mom about it. 
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  • kln8205kln8205 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice.  I didn't give much detail or it would end up being the world's largest post! This is my first msg board post and I am a bit apprehensive about posting!

    When I say she is "annoying," yes by nature, but also her attitude and constant need for attention.   She acts like a child until people pay attention to her and it's very nerving.  It's almost impossible to have a conversation with her because of her unique dialogue, I guess I could say.  His parents are divorced and do not get along so there is a constant battle.... childish behaviors to go with it. 

    I believe his Mother likes me, or at least she does to my face.  My saving grace are his sisters and brother, who I like. :)

    It's very hard to describe her and something you wouldn't really understand unless you met her.  

    I will keep the ideas that I cannot change her in the back of my mind. I have lots of thinking to do...

    I dread the day if/when we have children!
    Thanks ladies!


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  • dwest2201dwest2201
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree that a lot of these issues (her calling a lot, treating BF like a baby) could be improved IF your BF wants them to be.  He will need to sit down with her himself and tell her.  IF he is up for this he shoudl not mention you in this conversation at all... he should simply be telling her that he is growing up and while he loves her and loves her calling and helping out it is just a bit much at this point in his life.  

    Everything that was said about marrying their family is 100% true.  I have never dated someone whose parents didn't love me right off the bat, and my family has liked everyone except for my exH. 

    Best advice is to sit down and talk to your BF and tell him that you know that she is his mother and he loves her but its just too much for you.  As PP's said never ask himto choose.

    Also, you have to ask yourself... if this is the way their relationship will continue can you see yourself dealing with it for the rest of your life? 
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  • kln8205kln8205 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Love to shop:
    My BF and I are very close BUT there is a very THIN line of telling someone's mother they annoy the crap out of you.

    I agree, I need to talk with him, but I don't want to insult his mother.  I don't know if I can be tasteful. :)
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  • jeanacorinajeanacorina
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    kln, you have to be honest, but polite. Don't put blame on his mom. Just say "Look, I don't know what it is, but I feel overwhelmed around your mom."

    You need to talk about how YOU feel. What her specific actions mean to YOU. Don't make her the subject. She is his mother. She will always be his mother. He will always love (and I assume respect) her. She WILL BE a part of your life if you marry this guy someday. You've got to accept that first of all. Second, you need to ask him about creating some boundaries that you and he are comfortable with.

    If you can't resolve this, then I would probably say you shouldn't stay with him. Families are complicated and sometimes difficult. But, they are family and they'll be YOUR family as well. If you're really, honestly, not okay with that and see no way to get the situation to an acceptable compromise before you marry him, then you shouldn't put yourself and your BF through a marriage where he's constantly feeling like a ping-pong ball between his wife and mother.
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  • kln8205kln8205 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    All very true and helpful.  Thank you and congrats on your wedding! :)
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  • jeanacorinajeanacorina
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_future-crazy-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:52c6d315-e473-48a3-88ee-5745f4bcd27ePost:3281fa2c-dce2-49db-9c63-46606fa9bc09">Re: Future crazy MIL help</a>:
    [QUOTE]All very true and helpful.  Thank you and congrats on your wedding! :)
    Posted by kln8205[/QUOTE]


    You're welcome, and thank you.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

    If you need any more help or advice, please let us know!
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