Best Man...(vent)

ekilzer1 · October 2010

Ok, so obviously my FI's best man is totally up to him... but I really just need to vent about this- there are just a few things that really concern me...... First of all my FI hasn't officially asked him to be the best man yet, but has ever intention of doing so- so I will just refer to him as the best man!

1. His Best Man drinks, alot... and we are having an open bar at the wedding (beer and wine only- no hard liquor allowed). The last time we were together from my FI's birthday he just got extremely rude once he got a few drinks in him (throwing beer bottles into the ocean, etc).

2. His Best Man smokes pot... ALOT. I am super concerned about him getting stoned on our wedding day! My FI swears that he will talk to him- but my FI is horrible about talking about anything!!! Especially something that is slightly conflicting.

3. And probably most important.... My FI never wants to hang out with him!!! The back story between them is that they were best friends in High School (in St. Louis)- they lost touch when my FI joined the Marines and then randomly earlier this year we found out that the he was living in San Diego like 15 minutes down the road from us! I would think my FI would be thrilled!-- not so much, we have only seen him once in the last 9 months. My FI does not have a lot of friends, whereas I tend to be very social because I play competitive adult sports, so I constantly encourage him to go out and hang out with his friends and he never wants to!!! I have even tried encouraging him to invite his Best Man over for Sunday football at our house- and my FI shows no desire to do so. I know guys have different relationships than girls, but still- I find it very very strange that my FI calls him his best friend, wants him to be his best man but NEVER wants to see him....

bablingbrooke · October 2010

I don't see any actual reason for you to dislike him to this degree. You can disagree with his lifestyle all you want, but he's not hurting anyone, including you or your FI. He's not on hard drugs, he's not physically abusive, and he and your FI don't hang out every weekend. I haven't seen one of my BMs in person since our wedding day 15 months ago and have only seen another one once since then; we live in different states and can't visit often. We talk and email all the time, though, and we all still consider ourselves best friends. Face-time isn't a great appraisal of a friendship.

MyNameIsNot · October 2010

Most of our WP was high at our wedding. In fact, I'm pretty sure they were smoking outside the reception. Most of the guests were drunk.

Nothing bad happened.

Get over it.

TheCranberry · October 2010

I can understand not wanting someone high at your wedding. Would this guy really get stoned before your wedding or even smoke at your wedding? I have friends who smoke occaisionally, but I can't imagine any of them showing up at a wedding stoned, especially my wedding since they know how I feel about those activities. It wouldn't even be a concern of mine.

If you really think it's a possibility that he'd show up stoned or get high at the wedding, ask FI to talk to him and ask him not to do it. That's really all you can do.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_manvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:79aebdd7-8a2f-422e-b5c1-66baa419ef77Post:1c8dec5e-4c87-439a-aa85-b4f4523565c5">Re: Best Man...(vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I can understand not wanting someone high at your wedding. Would this guy really get stoned before your wedding or even smoke at your wedding? I have friends who smoke occaisionally, but I can't imagine any of them showing up at a wedding stoned, especially my wedding since they know how I feel about those activities. It wouldn't even be a concern of mine. If you really think it's a possibility that he'd show up stoned or get high at the wedding, ask FI to talk to him and ask him not to do it. That's really all you can do.
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]
A stoned person is very, very low-risk for doing anything stupid. You're more likely to have problems with drunk people. I'm not advocating drug use, I'm just saying there's a big difference between smoking weed and being addicted to meth or heroin, which is what you seem to be equating here.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

I highly doubt he'd make a disturbance at the reception when high, unless you think multiple trips to the buffet and long, philosophical discussions with the centerpieces will spoil the party for others.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_manvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:79aebdd7-8a2f-422e-b5c1-66baa419ef77Post:09062fe7-515a-462d-91e5-56866442b527">Re: Best Man...(vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I highly doubt he'd make a disturbance at the reception when high, unless you think multiple trips to the buffet and<strong> long, philosophical discussions with the centerpieces will spoil the party for others.</strong>
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
That would so make my night as a guest. ETA: Or as a bride :) My favourite memories from the wedding are the ones that were little disasters--they make the best stories.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_manvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:79aebdd7-8a2f-422e-b5c1-66baa419ef77Post:2d1485ec-863d-4882-b371-275100f2a4c5">Re: Best Man...(vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best Man...(vent) : That would so make my night as a guest. ETA: Or as a bride :) My favourite memories from the wedding are the ones that were little disasters--they make the best stories.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
I probably would have pointed him out to the videographer, who also would have found it hilarious and would have been sure to take lots of blackmail footage.

Robyn5298 · October 2010

My only concern with the pot smoking is that the groomsman would look stoned in the pictures. I know some people can smoke and not appear any different, and others get that bloodshot droopy look in their eyes almost immediately. I have an old prom photo where I look like I got hit in the face with frying pan just before the photo was taken. It bugs me to this day, because I just look like a dopey idiot and its obvious I was high.

Maybe you could talk to your fiance and ask him to strike a compromise with your groomsman? Something like "hey, I know you like to smoke but can you please refrain until after the ceremony and pictures? After that, do what you want, just please be discreet." Since you said your fiance dislikes conflict that may make it easier for him, as opposed to just saying "don't get high or else."

jaimed99 · October 2010

Can I point out that he still hasn't even ASKED this guy yet? You could be making a big deal of nothing...and although you say he intends to, he may yet change his mind.

As for the drinking/smoking thing, I'd be more concerned about the drinking than the smoking. I have friends and family who smoke and I have yet to see anything bad happen with any of them in a public function...drunk people, however, I've seen get pretty bad.

I agree with Brooke...if someone were that stoned at my wedding, I'd hope someone got it on photo or video...

mbcdefg · October 2010

1 and 2: If he winds up drinking heavily or smoking pot on the wedding day (and that's a big IF ... I know people who go totally wild when they're at a party or a bar, but when a serious event like a wedding rolls around they're perfectly well-behaved), and it causes a problem, have him escorted out.

3. Not your concern.

heyimbren · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_manvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:79aebdd7-8a2f-422e-b5c1-66baa419ef77Post:7faff4ca-8496-4169-9918-22a45ad9171e">Best Man...(vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so obviously my FI's best man is totally up to him... but I really just need to vent about this- there are just a few things that really concern me...... First of all my FI hasn't officially asked him to be the best man yet, but has ever intention of doing so- so I will just refer to him as the best man! 1. His Best Man drinks, alot... and we are having an open bar at the wedding (beer and wine only- no hard liquor allowed). The last time we were together from my FI's birthday he just got extremely rude once he got a few drinks in him (throwing beer bottles into the ocean, etc). 2. His Best Man smokes pot... ALOT. I am super concerned about him getting stoned on our wedding day! My FI swears that he will talk to him- but my FI is horrible about talking about anything!!! Especially something that is slightly conflicting. 3. And probably most important.... My FI never wants to hang out with him!!! The back story between them is that they were best friends in High School (in St. Louis)- they lost touch when my FI joined the Marines and then randomly earlier this year we found out that the he was living in San Diego like 15 minutes down the road from us! I would think my FI would be thrilled!-- not so much, we have only seen him once in the last 9 months. My FI does not have a lot of friends, whereas I tend to be very social because I play competitive adult sports, so I constantly encourage him to go out and hang out with his friends and he never wants to!!! I have even tried encouraging him to invite his Best Man over for Sunday football at our house- and my FI shows no desire to do so. I know guys have different relationships than girls, but still- I find it very very strange that my FI calls him his best friend, wants him to be his best man but NEVER wants to see him....
Posted by ekilzer1[/QUOTE]

There's nothing wrong with venting. I get that, I really do, and it's probably better that you let this all out now instead of bottling it up and blowing up at FI or his friend.

But I can also tell you, that it's going to be fine. Your FI is going to act different from you in a lot of ways, that you're only going to notice more as you are married and become husband and wife. Learn to work with those differences, and accept them- differences are okay!

But like PP have said, your wedding is far off, and a lot of things can change. Don't assume things that are only going to stress yourself out more, especially since this is one you really can't control. You've vented and let it all out, so my suggestion is that you do your best to let it go and move along.

shananleigh · October 2010

I see where your coming from on the whole smoking thing. My FI groomsmen smokes ALOT and you can tell and you can smell it on him and I think that 1. No one should be on drugs wehre were in church and 2. If the guys are smoking its a reflection on us as a couple and I dont want that. Maybe Im being old school and maybe people disagree and thats fine but but I just think people should respect you on such a big day. My FI asked his groomsmen to just hold off for the day. And if he decides to well then I cant help it and theres a chance I probably wont notice if he does. I promise, things will fall into place. You just need to pick your battles.

amylo84 · October 2010

most good friends would have enough respect for you as a friend to not show up high for a wedding. But the prob with pot-smokers is that they are kinda unpredictable, If they wake up that morning and want to get high, they will. the only prob we have is that one of FI's GM is in jail and not sure if he will be out. (that sounds really bad, but they were like brothers before he got into trouble, we have been together forever so he said he has waited forever for us to finally get married lol) FI asked him to be a GM a while back but, he also smokes weed ALOT, so we aren't really sure if he remembers being asked or what. I kinda wanna replace him (not my decision to make) and so does FI but don't know how to address the issue ("Do you remember me asking you to be in the wedding" "no" "good cuz your not")

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_manvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:79aebdd7-8a2f-422e-b5c1-66baa419ef77Post:c41e983b-17e6-41b4-a4f1-7ca9f4cd19a1">Re: Best Man...(vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]most good friends would have enough respect for you as a friend to not show up high for a wedding. But the prob with pot-smokers is that they are kinda unpredictable, If they wake up that morning and want to get high, they will. the only prob we have is that one of FI's GM is in jail and not sure if he will be out. (that sounds really bad, but they were like brothers before he got into trouble, we have been together forever so he said he has waited forever for us to finally get married lol) FI asked him to be a GM a while back but, he also smokes weed ALOT, so we aren't really sure if he remembers being asked or what. I kinda wanna replace him (not my decision to make) and so does FI but don't know how to address the issue ("Do you remember me asking you to be in the wedding" "no" "good cuz your not")
Posted by amylo84[/QUOTE]
You have over a year until your wedding and a LOT can change in a year, not least of which that the guy will be out within that amount of time (people go to jail for misdemeanors (and prison for felonies) and by definition a misdemeanor involves less than one year in jail, and with good time credits in most states they usually serve about half, if not less) and/or he could really turn his life around. Basically your wedding shouldn't even be on the radar yet with regard to your relationship with this guy--work on that first (whether you still want this guy in your life, whether you do but you want to find him help, etc.) before you even start thinking about how it might impact the wedidng. Heck you shouldn't have even asked anyone to be in your WP yet--way too soon.

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