Please HELP

Re: Please HELP

• LesPaul member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  Since he's not in the picture, would your ex agree to change your son's name too?  All you would need is his permission, and then you can all have FI's name.
  
  I'll have to admit it was a little weird at first for me to have the same name as DH's horrible ex, but I got used to it, and now it's fine.  I'm Mrs. DH, and she's not.

  

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• AbbeyS2011 member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  I agree with LesPaul.  When FH and I get married, his ex-wife and I will have the same last name, but so does his daughter with her, and I am not at all worried about it.  He is mine, not hers any longer.
  
  I have 2 sons from a previous marriage, and both of them want to take FH's last name as soon as they can after we are married.  They are 7 and 11, and I have given them that choice.  We are currently looking into FH adopting them officially, but either way they are his boys, and no last name difference can change that. 

  

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• hsbstone

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  I am in the same situation but having a different name than my kids is not a big deal for me...but mine are all grown up and I kept my maiden name as their middle names. I am now thinking if I will take FI's name or not. I am not comfortable using the same last name of his horrible ex, what's a very different name in our area; I'd hate to be linked to her in any way!!!
  But in your case, as Les Paul said, if it's a strange ex husband, why to keep his name?

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• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  My situation is different, but the same on some levels.
  
  I never married, and my son has the same last name as my parents & me. I am an only child, so this connection runs deeply through to our family that came over from Europe, and my son carries on the name from my parents and grandparents.
  
  I think the question is not how you feel, but how will your son feel? Changing his name now will require your ex's approval (I think). It's not that your fiance is adopting him, just changing his name (unless you want to proceed with adoption, which relieves your ex of all parental rights). If you change your name, then your son's connection is only to his father and his father's family.
  
  My fiance is ok with the fact I am not changing my name. He understands all of the above. I did tell him that at some point I may take his last name as my middle name, as I don't have one. Perhaps that is something your fiance would be willing to accept.
  
  Good luck.

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• Lisa50 member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  Background.  I never changed my last name when I married.  My son has his father's last name.  His second middle name is my last name.  Casually, especially since he hit high school, most of my son's friends call me Mrs. exHusband'sLastName.  It doesn't freak me out nor bother me in any way. 
  
  I have not decided whether or not I'm going to change my last name this time around.  If I do, honestly, it won't be for a while ... probably when I'm closer to retirement, if at all.  But I already know, there will be folks who call me Mrs. newHusband'sLastName.  And that's okay.
  
  Perhaps you should wait until your son is older to find out if he wants to change his last name.  There is no rush.  He has a lifetime to decide.  And so do you.

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• handfast4me member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  Ok, my daughter,  her dad (my then husband) and I all used different last names.  My first husband and I both kept our names, and then hyphenated our daughter's name when she was born. 
  
  Really, no one cares--at school, they always referred to me by my last name--his was difficult to say and spell, thereby confirming my excellent decision to keep my own BIRTH name. 
  
  The only time this really comes up is when you're doing paperwork for entrance into schools, etc.  otherwise, not so much.  And I hate to say this, but what if (Goddess forbid) you change your son's name (in some states the birth parent must relinquish all rights--hard to do, most times, to get a name change.) and then you end up divorced?  Just a thought. 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• handfast4me member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  Oh, and for the record, I didn't change my name either time I got married.  DH is a man, secure in his manhood, and doesn't feel threatened by me keeping my own identity and name.  He actually said to me  "I was thinking of changing mine to YOURS."   He's a great guy, who believes in women's rights, so doesn't buy into this "tradition" that came about due to society's view as men owning women. 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• mswood1977 member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:ae1e89f5-11fb-446c-b7f3-870ba4b6163dPost:2b7875e4-e745-48d6-9aa9-b52358161641">Re: Please HELP</a>:
  [QUOTE]Oh, and for the record, I didn't change my name either time I got married.  DH is a man, secure in his manhood, and doesn't feel threatened by me keeping my own identity and name.  He actually said to me  "I was thinking of changing mine to YOURS."   He's a great guy, who believes in women's rights, so doesn't buy into this "tradition" that came about due to society's view as men owning women. 
  Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]
  
  <span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">I just wanted to say that if you don't want to change your last name to your husband's that is fine, but I think it is disrespectful to the women who decide to change their name for you to imply it is all because their men now own them or their husband's obviously don't believe in women's rights.
  
  I changed my name because we created our own new family when we married and I want to show our unification and solidarity by sharing a name with my husband.  My husband doesn't own me, nor does he think he owns me.  He believes in women's right (and is fine with me making more money than him) and would have been fine with me not changing my name.  He supported my right as a woman to change my name.
  
  
  As for the OP, I think you should do what you feel is right for you and your family.  But you should also consider that if you have a child with your new husband and you don't change your name, you will have a different last name than your new child, so either way you would end up different than one of your children.
  
  If you ex is completely out of the picture and not part of your child's life, you may want to look into having you new husband/FI adopt your son (with your ex's permission).
  
  </span>

  Mommy 3 Months Old Tristan 3 Months Old

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• fireytiger member

  

  February 2011 edited December 2011

  I don't have children from my previous marriage, but my FI was in your son's position when he was growing up. He has his birth father's last name, and when his mother remarried she changed her name, but FI did not. He said he never had any problems with it, it never felt "weird" to have a different last name than everyone else, he just knew that that was HIS name. If your son wants to change his name later on down the road then that's his decision, but he may not want to, simply because it's his name, and his identity.

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