Clueless Bridesmaids

Beebopalooa · April 2012

I have four bridesmaids, and I don't think most of them are realizing what being a BM actually entails, like having to pay for their own dresses, throwing the bridal shower, etc. Is there a polite way to sort of... educate them and/or get them more involved? Only my sister really seems to know what's going on, since she was married a few years ago.

I feel like it would be tacky to just be all "oh hey don't forget you need to pay for your own dress/plan this party" or whatever, but I really want to get them all more involved and just let them have fun with this. So far I'm kind of getting the vibe that this is more of a chore than anything, since I can hardly get any of them to talk to me about wedding-related stuff at all. Plus, one of the girls is really bad with money so I want to make sure that she knows what's expected of her far enough in advance so she can save up for her dress, hair, accessories, etc.

mica178 · April 2012

While it's pretty common for bridesmaids to pay for their own dress, it's not a requirement for bridesmaids to throw a shower.

lyndausvi · April 2012

As far as the dresses I would talk to each one of them individually say "I'm starting to think about BM dresses and was wondering what your budget would be?" It kills 2 birds, (1) they know they have to pay and (2) you know what price range you should be looking at

As for the rest. It's all gravy. If they want to help great, if they don't, not much you can do.

RebeccaB88 · April 2012

Yep. All they have to do is get the dress and show up. That's it. They aren't required to do ANYTHING for you other than that. If they offer to throw a shower or a bachelorette or something like that, great. You can let them, but they're in charge, not you. And you do have to pick a dress within the buget that every girl gives you (you ask in private, separately). If you want a dress they can't afford, you pay for it. If you want specific shoes or hair accessories, you buy them. If you insist on a specific hairstyle or professional makeup or nails, you pay for it. If you need help planning the wedding, you have a fiance to help you. So really, no, you can't 'educate' them beyond telling them when and where the wedding is, and what time you need them at the venue.

Beebopalooa · April 2012

Okay, thanks. I'm letting them pick their own dresses (as long as they're the same length and fit with the colors), decide if they want their hair and makeup done professionally, etc. so part of why I'm trying to get them more involved is so there's more communicating about what they're wanting to do, but trying to talk anything wedding-related to them has been like pulling teeth. If they don't want to plan a party or anything then I'm okay with that, I just like to know one way or another... and I don't think most of them even realize that the option is there if they want to do it.

goobersinlove · April 2012

You need to forget everything you think a bridesmaid's job is, pretend that you've never seen a movie which portrays any bridal party rolls, etc. Erase your preconceived notions, and re-learn this:

The following are the only mandatory bridal party member obligations:
1. Purchase a dress (provided it is within the pre-discussed budget that you have agreed on - meaning, ask them what they can afford first).
2. Attend the rehersal and rehersal dinner.
3. Show up on the wedding day clean, sober and smiling.

Anything else outside of that is NOT a "job" or "duty" or your bridesmaids or maid of honor. In other words:

* They are NOT required to throw you a shower.
* They are NOT required to throw you a bachelorette party.
* You canNOT require them to pay for their hair or makeup to be professional done or buy specific shoes or jewelry. If you want those things, you should foot the bill.
* They are NOT required to help you with any wedding planning. If you need help with that stuff, recruit your FI.
* They are NOT required to help you with DIY wedding projects. If you need help, recruit your FI - make him tie little bows.

If they OFFER to do any of the above, you are very lucky and make sure to be grateful because they would be going above and beyond. However, know that you should not EXPECT them to do any of that, let alone hand them a list of duties.

This means that if no one OFFERS to throw you a shower, you don't get a shower. Plain and simple.

Also, try to remember that just because your friends/family might be happy for you, that doesn't mean that they are chomping at the bit to be involved in every wedding detail. No one will be as excited about your wedding as you. People do get sick of hearing wedding, wedding, wedding all the time - so if you get the feeling that they don't want to chat about it, then find someone else to talk to. Talk to your fiance or come on here - we never get tired of wedding crap.

As far as the "girl who is bad with money," first, don't judge. Second, make sure you discuss what her budget might be for a dress before you select a dress (this goes for the rest of your BM's too). And again, she is only responsible for paying for the dress.

specialk84 · April 2012

I bought my MOH's dress. She didn't throw any parties for me, and she did not attend my rehearsal. At the reception, though, she did help me pee.

Nice story, Special.

specialk84 · April 2012

My other BMs were my twelve-year-old niece and my best friend whose mother died about two weeks before the wedding. She'd had a long illness.

Clearly, I chose my BP all wrong.

aleighk1 · April 2012

I've been engaged for 21 months and my BMs JUST started getting excited and asking if I needed their help in the past couple of months. Give it some time before you start jumping to conclusions that they aren't interested.

leamide · April 2012

I've been in wedding wear I paid for everything and another one where I only paid for my dress, so if you decide on what you can afford I'd let the BM's know well in advice what they need to pay for.
I currently have a BM that has no money and has become very stress for on me. (wedding is in August and dresses need ordered, like NOW). I in ways don't feel it is my duty to pay for her dress or other items for the wedding. We have talked long before and it was her idea to "get pampered" and "go all out" for my wedding. I wanted to keep it simple and tried to suggest more casual dresses and doing our own hair and makeup. So, now I'm the one stuck, do I give in and pay for her stuff or do I stick to my ground and give her a deadline to get her dress by? I have other BM's who have already ordered their dresses, so it's not like we can go back and choose other dresses now.

specialk84 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clueless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c753bc2f-bd65-4e50-9091-89f1baa2f5f7Post:2b7f0c28-c980-4d70-b2b3-3926c4f42ef4">Re: Clueless Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been in wedding wear I paid for everything and another one where I only paid for my dress, so if you decide on what you can afford I'd let the BM's know well in advice what they need to pay for. I currently have a BM that has no money and has become very stress for on me. (wedding is in August and dresses need ordered, like NOW). I in ways don't feel it is my duty to pay for her dress or other items for the wedding. We have talked long before and it was her idea to "get pampered" and "go all out" for my wedding. I wanted to keep it simple and tried to suggest more casual dresses and doing our own hair and makeup. So, now I'm the one stuck, do I give in and pay for her stuff or do I stick to my ground and give her a deadline to get her dress by? I have other BM's who have already ordered their dresses, so it's not like we can go back and choose other dresses now.
Posted by leamide[/QUOTE]

<div>Keep the dress, but skip the hair and makeup.</div>

megangaydos27 · April 2012

I would say if you communicated the cost of the dress and she has known for quite some time then the burden is on her. If she doesnt purchase the dress, then she is removing herself from the wp. It's really up to you on what you want to do; could you offer to buy it with the understanding she has to pay you back by a certain time?? As for hair and makeup, if you want them to have it done, then you pay otherwise if you give them the option then its on the wp to decide what they want to do. Good luck!

DelBride2012 · April 2012

This is why I avoid bridesmaid requests. The expectations... are too damn high!

pokepoke27 · April 2012

You're so far out in your planning right now. Just be paitent. I know you're excited and want to jump on things right away, but who knows what could happen between now and the wedding? Your wedding colors could be red, black, and white right now but in a few months you could see a color combo that you never would have thought about that looks absolutely amazing and decide to change your mind. Could be difficult if you get your BM dresses too early. The wedding I had in mind when I first started planning my wedding almost 2 years ago is pretty different from the wedding that I'm going to end up with.

phfiely · April 2012

I agree that bridesmaids don't have "duties" and that they don't HAVE to do anything but show up in their dress on the wedding day.

That said, it seems like people have the lowest expectations of their friends in general. What group of friends doesn't want to throw the bride a bachelorette? This baffles me...every time I've been in a friend's wedding I've attended/planned etc. both the shower and bachelorette and was happy to do so---these are my best friends! Obviously if a bride is acting crazy I'm sure the bridal party would get sick of her, but I personally haven't had a friend do that. It's sad that the women who are closest and dearest to the bride aren't willing to help her celebrate with all the fun pre-wedding parties.

I hope they end up surprising you closer to the wedding...but no, I wouldn't "educate" them, as that will come across as crazy.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clueless-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c753bc2f-bd65-4e50-9091-89f1baa2f5f7Post:61f6242a-e18f-43ae-9e2d-235511f1e5a6">Re: Clueless Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that bridesmaids don't have "duties" and that they don't HAVE to do anything but show up in their dress on the wedding day. That said, <strong>it seems like people have the lowest expectations of their friends in general. What group of friends doesn't want to throw the bride a bachelorette? This baffles me...every time I've been in a friend's wedding I've attended/planned etc. both the shower and bachelorette and was happy to do so---these are my best friends! Obviously if a bride is acting crazy I'm sure the bridal party would get sick of her, but I personally haven't had a friend do that. It's sad that the women who are closest and dearest to the bride aren't willing to help her celebrate with all the fun pre-wedding parties.</strong> I hope they end up surprising you closer to the wedding...but no, I wouldn't "educate" them, as that will come across as crazy.
Posted by phfiely[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree that your best friends really SHOULD want to help you with your special day. But all we are saying is that they don't HAVE to. So many brides complain and want to kick people out of the wedding party just because they're not "pulling their weight". It's perfectly understandable and okay to be dissapointed that a good friend doesn't seem interested in something so important to you. But you shouldn't really make a big deal about it. </div>

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