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Parents being compltetely unbearable

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in Moms and Maids

My fiance and I are both 21, and looking to get married in March, as we are estatic to start our life together! We have already discussed that if we do not have the money to be able to support ourselves, plus have money left over for emergencies, we will wait until the finances have come together. However, our preference is March of 2012. My parents are panicking, and not being supportive in the least bit. I have already expressed our stipulations for getting married, but they are still just being unbearable. I have tried calmly explaining to them that I need their support on this day, no matter what my fiance and I decide. It hasn't worked. I even ran into a friend of my mother's yesterday and she said my mom had told her we wouldn't be getting married for a few years! I am at my wits end with it! What on earth do I do? I love my parents both so much, but it's just stressing me out, and hurts my fiance's feelings and makes him feel that they don't like him. Have any of you experienced something similar? Please help me!

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Re: Parents being compltetely unbearable

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-being-compltetely-unbearable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fca74a5d-a13d-4100-8a62-38b29fdbb54dPost:7af0e760-52d5-4979-9ed3-2530b08a5ab0">Parents being compltetely unbearable</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I are both 21, and looking to get married in March, as we are estatic to start our life together! We have already discussed that if we do not have the money to be able to support ourselves, plus have money left over for emergencies, we will wait until the finances have come together. However, our preference is March of 2012. <strong>My parents are panicking, and not being supportive in the least bit.</strong> I have already expressed our stipulations for getting married, but they are still just being unbearable. I have tried calmly explaining to them that I need their support on this day, no matter what my fiance and I decide. It hasn't worked. I even ran into a friend of my mother's yesterday and she said my mom had told her we wouldn't be getting married for a few years! I am at my wits end with it! What on earth do I do? I love my parents both so much, but it's just stressing me out, and hurts my fiance's feelings and makes him feel that they don't like him. Have any of you experienced something similar? Please help me!
    Posted by Cam1920[/QUOTE]

    Can you clarify what they're panicking about and how they aren't being supportive?
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I'm definitely a big believer in only getting married if you're completely financially independent, so I guess I would really hold off until you guys are financially stable (meaning paying all your own bills, car insurance, mortgage/rent etc.). Focus on that first, and THEN set a date. A lot can change in 10 months, heck 6 even! It never hurts to start putting money aside.

    I know my parents were really hesitant about setting a date at first because my dad had just been laid off and now has a job that he's not making as much at. plus my FI was just a substitute teacher at the time so his income wasn't stable. Once FI's income was more stable from his new and current job, then we were definitely in more of a position to set a date that my parents were comfortable with too. Trust me, I was SO impatient to set a date!

    An open and honest discussion with your parents also needs to be had to kinda 'clear the air' and let them know of what you and FI decide to do.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    First, congratulations on your engagement.

    If, at the age 22 you and your fi are fully supporting yourselves, have money in the bank for emergencies and are paying for your own wedding, then the two of you are mature beyond your age. Most 22 year olds cannot cover their rent,student loans, food, health insurance, utility bills, car payment and car insurance on their own. Will you be able to do all that one year from now? Are you and fi in school now, working full time or what?

    Tell us more.


                       
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  • Zippy88kZippy88k member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Agree with the previous poster. Your parents have taken care of you for 21 years, and clearly want the best for you. I, also, was incredibly antsy to set a wedding date, had parents stressing me to wait, and waiting even just a year was so worth it. We've each gotten a chance to live on our own, know how we operate outside of a dorm and our parents' houses, managed finances on our own, etc. We know more about life and the practicalities of living than we did a year ago, and we got to figure it out on our own, when our parents were willing to help us out, and when we didn't have to argue and fight because we have different ideas about money. We got to know each other by seeing the other deal with money. I know it sucks to wait, but it will probably be better for your relationship in the long run if you at least listen to your parents with an open mind.
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Are your parents paying for your wedding? If they are, you need to just wait until they are ready to pay for the wedding.
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  • mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-being-compltetely-unbearable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fca74a5d-a13d-4100-8a62-38b29fdbb54dPost:d90c1702-91da-4496-ac32-44ddc9491fad">Re: Parents being compltetely unbearable</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are your parents paying for your wedding? If they are, you need to just wait until they are ready to pay for the wedding.
    Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is key. </div>
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Do you still currently live with your parents and do they pay ANY of your bills?  If they do, I can see their concern that you are wanting to get married so soon.  However, if you are confident that you'll be financially independent by next March, you just need to be firm with them and prove them wrong. 

    I would still advise you to really stick to that plan...if you are not 100% financially independent, then you should push off your wedding until you are.  This isn't just to make your parents happy, but just to help ensure that you'll have a successful marriage (money is the #1 reason for divorce).
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  • lindseyann410lindseyann410 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-being-compltetely-unbearable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fca74a5d-a13d-4100-8a62-38b29fdbb54dPost:7337bb64-50a7-436b-ac78-b427cccf93cd">Re: Parents being compltetely unbearable</a>:
    [QUOTE]waiting even just a year was so worth it. We've each gotten a chance to live on our own, know how we operate outside of a dorm and our parents' houses, managed finances on our own, etc. We know more about life and the practicalities of living than we did a year ago, and we got to figure it out on our own, when our parents were willing to help us out, and when we didn't have to argue and fight because we have different ideas about money. We got to know each other by seeing the other deal with money.
    Posted by Zippy88k[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Bingo.  It's just smart. I'm so happy I lived on my own as well. </div><div>
    </div><div>You need to be financially stable when you start planning your wedding (Which, if you're thinking March next year, is about now!). You can't just hope you will be at the time.  Are you both living on your own, together, or with your parents now?  Do you both have stable jobs?  Are you able to pay all your bills?  And I mean now, not just hopefully in the future.  We need more information to help you out here. If the answers to any of these are no though, then you should wait.</div><div>
    </div><div>My FI's brother and his FI got engaged back in December.  They originally set their date for next November, but they both live at with their parents and blow their money on dinners out, so they don't have anything saved even though he makes decent money.  After getting a glimpse of how much a wedding is going to cost however, they pushed it back to 2013.  Unless they start saving, I'm guessing it might get pushed back again. Then they might be married and living with their parents. </div><div>
    </div><div>CN: Don't start planning until you are in the financial position to pay for it. Think about your priorities (and it seems like you are wanting to be responsible), and I'm sure your parents will come around.</div><div>
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  • Cam1920Cam1920
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My FI and I are both very frugal and good at saving money, living within our means, and not making purchases off the fly. My parents paid for my undergrad, but I cover all school after that. I am still on their insurance and medical plans, which of course I would come off of as soon as I am married. I pay for everything else at school: gas, clothes, copays, food, etc. We are both in school, and I will graduate next May. I know my parents love me and they are only concerned because they care. But they know me for who I am. I am someone who doesn't just jump into things if I'm not prepared, I'm very grounded and strong-willed. They talk about this all the time, but then when I have made a decision on something, they decide that they should tell me what they think. They panick and say stuff like " It's so hard not to save you when your drowning!" I'm not drowning. If I was, I'd ask them for help. I'm not that prideful. My parents have offered to pay for the wedding, and so have my FI parents. my FI's parents are amazing, and very supportive in the decisions we make. I just feel that I have my head on straighter than most at my age (by just observing those around me.)
    As I said before, we will NOT get married if there is no way we can support ourselves. He works 35 hours a week, I am working now over the summer, while also being a self-employed artist. We are putting parts of our paychecks into savings now, just to get started. If it turns out we don't have enough, we don't do it.
    Thank you so much for your comments so far! I know my parents are loving and just wonderful people. I'm sure they are just scared of what could happen, especially during this economic time. I guess it feels more like they aren't confident in me, which I have proven time and again that I know what I'm doing. I know they mean well, sometimes they just go about it the wrong way haha!
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