Frustrated and ready to break

jmkaiser · April 2011

So my MIL has always had a very strong opinion, but when Fi and I got engaged she told us it was our wedding and she'll respect that.....wrong! So when we started putting together the guest list it was way out of control with her wanting to invite college friends they haven't talked to in years and their son's wife's parents and siblings.

I was straightforward and told her I didn't feel comfortable with that. Not only was the list already mostly their list but it didn't seem fair to invite them. My FFIL told us it doesn't have to be equal but fair and I have a bunch of silblings with in-laws that are not invited---some that are actually altering dresses and making things for the wedding.

I thought I made myself clear when I said no out of respect for my siblings in-laws adn the fact that we already have as many people as we can host but then FI talks to me yesterday and says that his parents are sending a check because they want those poeple there.

I feel like I'm not being respected or listened to with this (it's not even really about the money although that's an issue too). It's not that I'm being difficult I just strongly believe that this should be our wedding and not his mother's next big party. My parents are paying for the reception and I'm already really overwhelmed with the costs and the amount of people coming.

I feel like talking to her isn't working but I dont know what else to do. I seriously felt like throwing my arms up and letting her plan the rest of this wedding because I can't do anythign without her side stepping me or putting her 2 cents in.

tpender13 · April 2011

That really sucks, but it doesn't sound like you're asking for anything out of line.

You and FI need to have a talk and get on the same page. Does he feel the same way that you do? If you two agree that all these extra people shouldn't be invited, then HE needs to be firm with his mom, and give her back the check. Money = strings.

The two of you should be able to take a look at your guest list and decide that each set of parents can have x-number of invites for their friends. Tell her that if she can't cut her guest list to fit within that frame, then you will.

shan87 · April 2011

Jess I think you need to talk to FI.. get on the same page and stick together.

David and I went through something similar with his parent's inviting randoms (well what I thought were randoms.. ie their neighbors, dentist, and 5 friends for his brother). However, in our case they were paying 45% of the overall tab. David and I talked about it, realized it wasn't worth WWIII (his parents can be intense and the most stubborn people I know) ... We came to that decision because we thought the people would find it just as random to be invited and thus decline, he adores his brother's friends and I didn't want this wedding to set the tone for our interaction as IN-Laws in the future.
HAD we decided to stick with it, we were willing to continue planning without their financial contribution.

Personally, I hate when money comes with strings attached. My Mom also did this in her attempt to get us to hire a band. Oh just do it, and I'll play.(I politely declinded) and I sat her down to explain that it wasn't in our vision for our wedding celebration. Thank God she understood and backed off.

Either way it sounds like you have some conversations to have

Sorry.

jmkaiser · April 2011

I feel guilty because FI is sick of being put in the middle and the last time he stuck up for us his mom went hysterical. She guilts him so much. I have told them multiple times what I see for this wedding and try to explain that my anxiety is making having this many people very difficult for me and adding people to that list is geting unbearable. She will not listen no matter how I tell her.

Everytime I tell them what Fi and I want they say okay and then complain until they get their way. Im just sick and tired of the arguments. It's not only causing problems between me and my in-laws but it's putting a stress on FI and I's relationship which bothers me the most.

KateJ10 · April 2011

I guess if I were in your situation, I would probably end up giving in to them on this. However, I would not include them on a lot of future plans for the wedding, so they can't give ultimatums or similar about everything. Maybe you have tried this already? I don't know. But if they are being pigheaded about things, you have already gone through this once, it doesn't need to repeatedly happen.

Enchanted616 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_frustrated-ready-break?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:81Discussion:760a145c-38aa-4fdd-af68-7561c70e1f9bPost:9fb819ee-950a-4f6f-aa6c-4e5f416d1db9">Re: Frustrated and ready to break</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel guilty because FI is sick of being put in the middle and the last time he stuck up for us his mom went hysterical. She guilts him so much. I have told them multiple times what I see for this wedding and try to explain that my anxiety is making having this many people very difficult for me and adding people to that list is geting unbearable. She will not listen no matter how I tell her. Everytime I tell them what Fi and I want they say okay and then complain until they get their way. Im just sick and tired of the arguments. It's not only causing problems between me and my in-laws but it's putting a stress on FI and I's relationship which bothers me the most.
Posted by jmkaiser[/QUOTE]

I hate to say it, but I probably couldn't marry a guy who wouldn't stand up to me for to his mom because hes "sick of being put in the middle." Its very easy to not deal with hysteria--just remove yourself from the situation.

I can say this because I've been on the other side.. my family is very overbearing (in the best way, I love them so much!), but I have to remind myself constantly that it is FI and I who are starting out our own life together and, while they will always be a part of my life, that relationship is going to change once I'm married, and even more so after we have children.

jmkaiser · April 2011

It's not that he doesn't stick up for us but think how you would feel if your parent kept pushing and pushing and your FI was getting upset. Your getting strong feelings on both side and it's not a win-win. I get his perspective and it upsets me that his mother constantly puts him in that situation.

We are ready to start our life together and she doesn't understand that it means she doesn't get a say in everything we do....It's just completely frustrating since it's been going back and forth since we got engaged.

hnovacek · April 2011

I totally understand you. My parents are paying for half and his parents are paying for half. Even with trying to split it down the middle you have to constantly be making sure everything is okay with everyone else... it gets so tiring because you would just ONCE like everyone to ask YOU and your FI what YOU TWO want...

I would say, keep sticking to what you want. Say that you appreciate their help and input but that there are certain things that are most important. For me it was knowing everyone at the ceremony. I refused to meet people for the first time at the ceremony, so I fought for a small ceremony followed by a huge reception.

Figure out your NUMBER ONE important thing and rank them all out on a list.

Good luck!

tpender13 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_frustrated-ready-break?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:760a145c-38aa-4fdd-af68-7561c70e1f9bPost:ea0d784b-5561-4cb5-aa0e-8a198b6936bf">Re: Frustrated and ready to break</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated and ready to break : I hate to say it, but I probably couldn't marry a guy who wouldn't stand up to me for to his mom because hes "sick of being put in the middle."
Posted by Enchanted616[/QUOTE]

This.

OP, I know you said that he does stick up for you and she keeps pushing back, but you should come before his mother. Nobody is saying that you're out of line for feeling the way you do; we can probably all agree that she's being ridiculous. But if FMIL can't back off and respect your wishes, maybe the two of you need to distance yourselves from her, just a bit. She can't get to you if you don't let her, know what I mean?

graysquirrel · April 2011

I agree with what pps said about getting on the same page. If your parents are paying and you have already had to make cuts that were people who are important to you, then it isn't fair for your FILs to add so many on.

What really helped us was to make a cut-off point for tiers of relatives. For instance, we cut it off after the children of cousins. Anyone beyond that point on the family tree wasn't invited. I'd suggest finding a tier like that which you two can agree upon and give it to his parents. Let them know that you're cutting it off at X point. I also wouldn't accept the money from them unless you want to invite their guests. Plan the wedding that you and your FI want and make sure that he is with you on it.

wittyschaffy · April 2011

OP - I didn't have the issue you do but I do have a mother in law just like yours who uses her son as a shield. It doesn't get better until you and your FI get on the same page and present a united front. Trust me on this one.

My DH is an only child and my ILs love him to death, as they should. My MIL has not gotten used to the fact that DH's primary consideration is me and will do or say things that she knows will end up sticking DH in the middle ( I swear to heaven above she does it on purpose to test his loyalties and gets pouty when it lies with me!). It is a crappy situation all around, but your FI has the power to shut it down. It isn't easy, especially if your MIL is accustomed to getting her way and now you've entered the scene and she's having to re-learn that while she's still a very important person in her son's life, she's not THE most important.

Sit down with your FI and have a very candid discussion about your relationship and how it makes you feel when your MIL meddles like she has been. The very real truth is that it likely will not end with your wedding and will continue in various forms throughout your life together. If you don't find a way to cope with it and address it now, it will drive a bigger and bigger wedge between you and your FI. He needs to see how it makes you feel and to know what he can do to change that. Feel free to PM me if you need support! I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. I love my MIL and she means well but she is a royal pain in the a@$ sometimes.

Steph0871 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_frustrated-ready-break?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:760a145c-38aa-4fdd-af68-7561c70e1f9bPost:9fb819ee-950a-4f6f-aa6c-4e5f416d1db9">Re: Frustrated and ready to break</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel guilty because FI is sick of being put in the middle and the last time he stuck up for us his mom went hysterical. She guilts him so much. <strong>I have told them multiple times what I see for this wedding </strong>and try to explain that my anxiety is making having this many people very difficult for me and adding people to that list is geting unbearable. She will not listen no matter how I tell her. <div>
</div><div>Everytime I tell them what Fi and I want they say okay and then complain until they get their way. Im just sick and tired of the arguments. It's not only causing problems between me and my in-laws but it's putting a stress on FI and I's relationship which bothers me the most.
Posted by jmkaiser[/QUOTE]

</div><div>What does your FI want for this wedding? Maybe he's being sick of being shoved in the middle fo this all, because you're pushing him there. Have you asked him what kind of wedding he wants? Does he really not want all of his family there, just because you don't want them there?</div><div>
</div><div>Sorry, but I have to agree with PPs. If my FI hadn't been willing to stick up for me (we were on the same page), I don't think I could have married him. Are you planning on having kids? What if his mom starts trying to tell you how to raise them? Is he going to give up, because he doesn't want to be 'stuck in the middle"?</div><div>
</div><div>I think you need to have a real sit-down chat with your FI. Don't tell him what you want for this wedding. Ask him what he wants. If it's the same as what you want, then you can be in it together against his parents when they try to push. If you have different ideas for the wedding, then you need to compromise. </div>

jmkaiser · April 2011

I want to be very clear....FI has also told him mother multiple times that we don't feel comfortable with inviting these certain people--not that they aren't great people, but we already have made cuts and they would rank below the cuts we made. Even when we went to her united she asked me when we went to lunch one day once again. I told her that I have severe anxiety about the numbers and it was already too much in my mind. She still talked to her son and told him she really wanted these people invited--he told her that we agreed no. This has been going on since July/August!!!

You ladies are right though. Beyond this wedding it makes me incredibly nervous how our relationship is going to be with his mother always trying to be in between. I love her to death and she's a great person but I don't do over-bearing and I certainly don't do going behind my back trying to get her way by handing money/gifts over (because my parents are paying for everthing except the booze).

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