Very confused about this situation

LoriWilliam · August 2010

Okay, to tell the whole story: When I started planning my wedding, I made my best Friend (A) my MOH. My FI made her husband (B) one of his groomsmen. This was 8 months ago. 2 months ago, B decided he wasn't happy and left his wife, my MOH. Just yesterday, we all found out that B actually cheated on A 2 months before he left her, and his "mistress' is pregnant!

Now for the problem: My MOH wants my FI and I to kick B out of the wedding party. My FI really doesn't want to do this, and i want to be fair to everyone. A says it's him or her. I don't like being backed into a corner like this. And my FI is angry with my MOH now.

What do I do with this situation???

Lisa8888 · August 2010

What a mess. Your MOH has no right to order or threaten you. I see no reason why this guy should be kicked out of your WP. His cheating is none of your concern. The MOH shouldn't expect you to pick sides. I would tell her no and if she walks, that's on her.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

Ewwww

I think maybe you should defer to the fact that you can't force your FI to do anything with his WP. It's really not fair to only pick one of you. Tell her that you would still like her to be there with you, but you understand if it's simply too much for her to handle.

Once again. Eww. I'm not really sure what to do here other than that.

stina93446 · August 2010

Is your FI mad with his gm? This is a very sticky situation. If your FI is still wanting to be friends with B, then there's not much that can be done. Your MOH can decide not to show up, even though it's her choice to do so.

Honestly, it would be the right thing to do if "B" stepped down. It doesn't sound like he's thought much about what is honorable and right though.

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

Icky situation.

I'm curious to know how your fiance feels about his groomsman now though. Are they still friends?

stina93446 · August 2010

What really sucks about this situation is that your MOH was the one hurt in the process, but the only thing she can do is show up and bear being in the same room with him or not show up.

Jelenny · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-confused-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b247e6d-8475-4753-8321-769d3a9d1c0aPost:ef5c8eee-276f-4555-a12f-af7390c743ac">Re: Very confused about this situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Icky situation. I'm curious to know how your fiance feels about his groomsman now though. Are they still friends?
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

yeah what does your FI think of his GM?

honesty there was a post before about a bride who's friend was with a guy that's married and the question was should she get a plus one...i mean weddings are no places for this type of stuff, but again you can't tell your FI what to do...

i guess if your FI won't budge talk to your MOH and let her know you want her there for YOU and that is the focus - but it def could be weird

mbcdefg · August 2010

Since this all happened yesterday, I would not make any decisions just yet. Let things cool off a while, and then revisit this situation in maybe a month. Just tell A that you want to support her right now, and your wedding/bridal party is the least of your concerns at this point in time (not only does that show support for her, but it buys you some time to figure out what to do ... and who knows, one of them might back out of the wedding on their own, which frees you from making that decision).

If you want a personal opinion ... I'd honestly be peeved if my FI wanted to remain friends with someone who'd cheat on his wife like that. And I'd also be upset with my FI if he couldn't understand that keeping the Cheater Husband B in the wedding party would be really upsetting to MOH.

However, that's assuming that MOH is totally innocent in their breakup. Not saying that in any situation I condone B cheating on his wife and knocking another girl up in the process, but if MOH treated him like dirt then I'd be less sympathetic to her demands to kick her ex-husband out of the wedding.

Anyway, that probably doesn't help you much. Sorry about this situation. I don't envy you. It seems like either you or your FI will have to give up a friendship, and you may potentially lose both friendships. I would stay out of this situation for now, tell MOH (if she brings it up) that you aren't worried about the bridal party for now since supporting her is more important, and then take some time to talk about this with your FI and decide what you want to do.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

If I were in your place, I'd tell the MOH that I didn't appreciate being given an ultimatum, and that I'd hope everyone could be civil and act like adults for a few hours for the wedding. I get that she's feeling hurt and betrayed, but this is all still very recent, and it's wrong to force YOU to make decisions about your WP (not even your WP, your FI's) while she's still processing.

nda_roxybabe · August 2010

Aerin- I love you time a million for your sig. quote. Seriously, one of my biggest pet peeves.

CTGirl30 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-confused-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b247e6d-8475-4753-8321-769d3a9d1c0aPost:90088d1a-2673-43d6-8b46-abfd8058e004">Very confused about this situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, to tell the whole story: When I started planning my wedding, I made my best Friend (A) my MOH. My FI made her husband (B) one of his groomsmen. This was 8 months ago. 2 months ago, B decided he wasn't happy and left his wife, my MOH. Just yesterday, we all found out that B actually cheated on A 2 months before he left her, and his "mistress' is pregnant! Now for the problem: My MOH wants my FI and I to kick B out of the wedding party. My FI really doesn't want to do this, and i want to be fair to everyone. A says it's him or her. I don't like being backed into a corner like this. And my FI is angry with my MOH now. What do I do with this situation???
Posted by LoriWilliam[/QUOTE]

That really sucks. Honestly, though, it's not MOHs place to be asking you (or telling you) that she wants your FI to kick out one of his GM. Even if it is her jerk of an ex-husband who cheated and knocked up the girl he cheated with. That's absolutely gross and of course she's upset but it's up to her to decide if she needs to step down from the WP or if she can stomach being in the same room as the a-hole ex-husband for the sake of your wedding day.

Now...your FI wants to remain friends with this guy AND have him stand up for your marriage still? My personal opinion is that I'd question that one...since we can be judged by the company we keep and all...but I guess that's up to your FI if he wants to still associate with this guy and be friends with him.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Looks like your wedding is next month...I'd put the ball back in MOHs court on this one. "I know this new information about really hurts you but it's not up to me who FI has standing on his side. He's decided not to ask B to step down from his side so it's entirely up to you if you decide to still be part of my bridal party or not. I'll understand either way." And let her make the call.

Lisa8888 · August 2010

I think it is very immature of someone to stop being friends with a person simply because he cheated on his wife. These things happen. Not all marriages last. It doesn't matter what the reason was for the marriage breaking up. They are separated and they have mutual friends and the wife has to learn to deal with it.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-confused-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b247e6d-8475-4753-8321-769d3a9d1c0aPost:2d6ca723-b9cf-46ac-97f9-ff1315cdf28e">Re: Very confused about this situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Aerin- I love you time a million for your sig. quote. Seriously, one of my biggest pet peeves.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]
Thanks! Some girl on Attire did it in two different threads and it pushed me over the edge.

LoriWilliam · August 2010

Thank you everyone for your advise. I think you misunderstand my FI. He's angry because this is happening, and he wants me to have a perfect wedding, so to speak. He's angry with my MOH, because he feels that although he is angry with B, and he totally agrees that what B did was wrong, she is being a little selfish. His idea is to ask B to step down, but still invite him.

mbcdefg · August 2010

I would still give it a while and think things over.

I would also let your FI know that, if he boots the guy from the wedding party, the guy may not want to come as a guest and may not even want to be friends anymore. (Although IMO I'd want to end the friendship anyway, if I was your FI, but that's his call.)

stina93446 · August 2010

If your FI asks B to step down, the friendship may very well be over. I think your BM is upset over the fact that B will be there at all. If B DID show up, which is very unlikely after being demoted, I think A would still be peeved, plus, it would just be a GLORIOUS day if B showed up with his baby mama, am I right?

If FI is ok with losing the friendship, then by all means, ask B to step down. Otherwise, I still agree with what has been said in asking everyone to behave like adults for 4 hours.

twilight.rose · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-confused-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b247e6d-8475-4753-8321-769d3a9d1c0aPost:779051fc-ad9d-4a69-b87c-b1d09ff95358">Re: Very confused about this situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your advise. I think you misunderstand my FI. He's angry because this is happening, and he wants me to have a perfect wedding, so to speak. He's angry with my MOH, because he feels that although he is angry with B, and he totally agrees that what B did was wrong, she is being a little selfish. His idea is to ask B to step down, but still invite him.
Posted by LoriWilliam[/QUOTE]

I think if your FI decides to ask B to step down, there is no reason you need to still invite him to the wedding.

Odds are the friendship will end at that point and B wouldn't choose to attend the wedding anyway. I think inviting him if he is not staying in the WP would probably just make an awkward situation worse.

CTGirl30 · August 2010

Yeah, if your FI is pretty much done being friends in general with B, then by all means he should ask him to step down...and don't plan to invite the guy to come to the wedding. (Because odds are it's going to be REALLY awkward to do so - please leave our wedding party, but hey do you still want to come to the wedding? And don't bring the girl you knocked up as a guest, please!) Ugh.

Obviously tensions are high right now - and while it was out of line for your MOH to make ultimatums (thus, yes, being selfish) - the only thing you can really do is put the ball back in her court and make it clear you're leaving the decision up to her if she still plans to participate in the wedding or not.

Your FI's decision about his friendship with B is a separate matter in this. If he decides to kick out B and thus, end the friendship, it has nothing to do with A's ultimatum re: the wedding party, you know?

suz62984 · August 2010

Ugh what a bad situation. Well I can't say I really blame your FI here. He has a right to be a little mad at her. She can't give him an ultimatum about who he can have in his wedding party. As a friend I wouldn't have expected her to give you both an ultimatum like that.

I would normally tell you to call her bluff because she needs to grow up and act like an adult; however this is 2 months fresh, he cheated, and he got someone else pregnant. I can't imagine what it would be like to stand up there looking at him and thinking we promised all these things before at our own wedding and now your pregnant mistress is sitting there in the audience watching all of this.

It sounds like your FI isn't willing to give in. If he kicks him out, he ends the friendship. Just tell your MOH that this is a decision for your FI and that you have no part of it. If he continues with his WP as is then just say "I know how difficult it will be for you; however he has a right to choose his side without interference just like I have a right to chose mine. I really hope you reconsider. You are my dearest friend and it wouldn't be the same without you." GL

EDIT: I see that you are getting married in just over 1 month(and I finally saw your follow up post I didn't see before). If he is going to ask him to step down he needs to do it now. The big problem is that it will kill the friendship to do so. It might have a chance of surviving if you still invited him; however inviting him is still going to present the problem that MOH is worried about...seeing him at the wedding. And I assure you that if he didn't have enough respect for MOH to not cheat and get someone preggers, he isn't going to respect the fact that he shouldn't bring said preggers girl to your wedding. And this is something that you can't dictate.

tldh · August 2010

Your MOH is asking you to get in the middle of a domestic situation which never turns out to be good. One of my best friends was in the same situation as your MOH but she never asked mutual friends to take sides. If she had, I would have said something along the following lines: "Jane, you and John have been friends of ours for X number of years now. We have been close to both of you and I can't imagine what you are going through right now. However, you cannot put us in the middle by saying 'it's him or me.' We aren't going to make that decision. You are my best friend and I love you and it would mean the world to me to have you standing next to me at me wedding but we are not taking sides in your divorce/separation. It is your choice whether you will be standing with me, not mine."

marinabreeze · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-confused-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b247e6d-8475-4753-8321-769d3a9d1c0aPost:779051fc-ad9d-4a69-b87c-b1d09ff95358">Re: Very confused about this situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your advise. I think you misunderstand my FI. He's angry because this is happening, and he wants me to have a perfect wedding, so to speak. He's angry with my MOH, because he feels that although he is angry with B, and he totally agrees that what B did was wrong, she is being a little selfish. His idea is to ask B to step down, but still invite him.
Posted by LoriWilliam[/QUOTE]

I can see where your FI is coming from, and typically it wouldn't be the place of anyone other than the B&G to make these kinds of determinations. At the same time, considering that your MOH is coming from a vulnerable place (finding out her H is cheating and is fathering a child with the other woman), it would be nice if your FI also considered where the MOH is coming from. Is your FI friends with B independently of being your best friend's H? If so, I can see how making such a decision might be pretty difficult on him. If not, I don't see how FI feels it's worth fighting the fight. Either way, though, his side, his call.

I agree with many of the PPs. Give it a little time, maybe a week or two (I would say longer but it looks like your wedding is next month?), so that emotions aren't as raw, and then revisit the issue. Hopefully at that point your FI would have already decided whether or not to keep B in the WP. Let your MOH know that you are not in control of your FI's decisions for his side, but it's important to you that she be there, and that whatever she decides, you're there for her. That's really all you can do. Ball's in her court.

banana468 · August 2010

Yuck. That is gross.

BUT, I think I'd just say to my MOH. "I hate that this happened. I agree that what he did to you is awful, but I think it's important that FI and I not be involved in this issue. I know this may be tough, but I'd still love it if you'll be my MOH."

I can't blame her for being upset, but she also needs to understand that even though he was a royal douchebag to her that doesn't mean that other people stop being friends with the guy.

And while I wasn't married to someone who did this, I had an ex BF cheat on me with multiple friends. It was years ago and now both of us are married. Me to DH and the ex-BF to one of the people with whom he cheated. I just went to a wedding last weekend where he was a GM. No, I didn't speak to him but I also didn't say to the groom, "If you invite him then I'm not going."

Lisa8888 · August 2010

I think your FI is acting like a fool if he plans on removing B as his best man. Who is your FI to make these moral judgments? I doubt B will attend the wedding after being so insulted. This will likely end the friendship. You people need to grow up and act like adults.

LoriWilliam · August 2010

FI is definitely friends with B outside of their marraige. He's trying to stay neutral, as I am. I have told my MOH that he has bowed out of being in the WP, BUT he is not disinvited. I told her that in 3 weeks, we will talk about this again, and see what she wants to do.

Lisa8888 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-confused-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b247e6d-8475-4753-8321-769d3a9d1c0aPost:40cb8388-6a01-48b7-92c8-d74f9694fafa">Re: Very confused about this situation</a>:
[QUOTE]FI is definitely friends with B outside of their marraige. He's trying to stay neutral, as I am. I have told my MOH that he has bowed out of being in the WP, BUT he is not disinvited. I told her that in 3 weeks, we will talk about this again, and see what she wants to do.
Posted by LoriWilliam[/QUOTE]

He didn't stay neutral if he demoted his friend from being best man. Your FI doesn't sound like a great friend. What do you mean what she wants to do? Is she running your whole wedding?

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