Chinese Weddings

Need help from Chinese Americans regarding in-laws

Note:  I posted this on the nest but a nestie suggested posting this here.  Thanks

My husband and I really need some help regarding his parents and are willing to tap all resources and that means sending this out to you gals out there who are reading this.

We have been married for 3.5 years.  Now have an 11 week old boy.  My husband's parents were both born in Taiwan but have lived in the US for over 35 years.  My DH was raised with some chinese values but I would describe him as a fairly typical american boy.  I am caucasian Catholic.  My ancestors have been in the US since about 1900. 

DH and I have had some "cultural" issues with his parents for all of our marriage but it has really boiled over in the last few weeks and led up to a terrible confrontation today.  Here's the jist:  In-laws believe in something called filial piety.  It basically means that children are to take care of their parents, love and respect them and consider them in everything that they do.  My in-laws have taken this to the extreme and have esentially declared themselves dictators over my DH and I.  They claim that all holidays (even Christian events despite the fact that they are not Christian) are to be spent with them.  My DH and I are to never host my family members in our house.  We are not allowed to baptize our son.  The list goes on and on.  They are totally dogmatic in these beliefs and will not budge or compromise on ANYTHING.  According to them, when I married my DH, they became my family.  I no longer have a biological family.  Of course, my husband does not have these beliefs (I would not have married him if he did) and he tried to tell them this but they absolutely do not listen.  We would like to find a way to make our relationship with my in-laws work.  The terminal alternative is to cut them out of our lives.  These issues are causing us a ton of stress and for now, our marriage is totally fine.  For now and God-willing, for always.

So here are the questions:  Is there anyone out there going through something similar with their in-laws (Asain or not)?  Is there a family counselor out there that can help equip DH and I with the tools we need to work through this?  Does anyone know of any other resources we can tap? 

Sorry for the long post.  I really appreciate any insight any of you can offer.

Re: Need help from Chinese Americans regarding in-laws

  • StuffingStuffing member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow... I have never heard of any of my Asian friends' parents taking filial piety to that extreme.  I'm Taiwanese and my husband's family is from Hong Kong.  The kind of filial piety you're describing is almost akin to the type seen in feudal China, where the girl really does become part of her husband's family.  But even then the girl would go home and visit her parents now and then... not cut off.  As a kid, I remember driving down to see my maternal grandparents for Chinese holidays frequently!  As far as I know, most Asian parents are happy to have more people they consider part of their family, and would invite in-laws to their place, etc etc.

    No offense intended, but were there some underlying issues behind all the hostility and animosity?  Maybe that's why they're trying to dominate your life now?
  • edited December 2011
    Hey, Stuffing
    Thanks so much for replying.  Yes, they are taking a pretty hard, fanatical interpretation of the filial piety.   I do think you are right.  There is something that they are pissed about and I think they are hiding behind a "cultural" tradition to get their way.  To be honest, I think they are threatened by the fact that I am very close with my family.  My husband and I, however, feel we are doing our best to include his parents and extended family into our lives.  DH and I have decided we will try to do a  better job of this but I think no matter what we do, his parents are always gonna be mad at  us. 

    I spoken with several asian-american friends, co-workers, and even DH's cousins about this and nobody can figure out why his parents are behaving this way.  It's a very difficult and stressful situation and we're trying to work through it.  We're hoping a professional family counselor can give us some more advice. 

    Does your husband's family put these pressures on you?  Are you allowed to spend holidays with your parents?  Are you allowed to host your family in your home or do your DH's parents consider this shameful? 
  • StuffingStuffing member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I agree with having a professional family counselor, definitely definitely preferable Taiwanese.  I wish I knew the resources in Philadelphia better!  If I hear of something, I will definitely let you know. 

    My husband's family does not put these pressures on me.  They are more relaxed than my family if anything.  When I was engaged, we did spend some holidays with them and some with my relatives, and it's continued to be like that after we get married.  They have not put restrictions on any holidays.  The only was one time they told us last minute he had to spent winter solstice with them, but I didn't even realize that was a holiday.  We haven't hosted anything at our place because we are terrible cooks =D but that's another story.

    Best of luck with your situation!  I think you definitely need to have clear boundaries on how much control they have over your life with your DH and how you spend your holidays, but it's finding the way to draw the boundaries that's going to be hard...
  • ring_popring_pop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're going through this. I have never heard of parents in this day and age taking filial piety to this extreme. I am Chinese, originally from Hong Kong. Every Chinese family I know sees marriage as a joining of families, not the daughter leaving her family as it used to be. (Though perhaps this is because I'm the daughter; if my family believed this, they'd have lost me!)

    My parents expect us to visit them rather than the other way around, and we send them a small amount of money every month to "help them out" (more for the gesture than the actual financial help), but they completely respect that we need to make room for my in-laws in our lives too.

    I completely agree with this:
    There is something that they are pissed about and I think they are hiding behind a "cultural" tradition to get their way.

    They could very well be threatened by how close you are to your family. Or is there any chance that they weren't happy with the interracial marriage? It seems to me like parents clinging that closely to "tradition" may have expected their son to marry a girl from their own culture.
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  • edited December 2011
    Hey, Ladies
    Thanks again for replying to my post.  You have just further supported what I've been hearing from others all along.  Even my DH's cousins are not treated this way by their parents.  No one can figure out how DH's parents can live in the US, be US citizens, yet feel that it's OK to oppress their son and his wife like this. 
    It's so difficult to talk to my in-laws about this, though, because they are so stuck on this principal.  It's like standing in front of a brick wall and trying to tell it to become a rock wall.  You can yell, scream, kick and rationalize all day long on why it's better to be a rock wall but it'll just remain a brick wall.
    Anyway, if you girls think of any way that DH and I can solve this, please let me know.  Do most areas have an Asian or chinese cultural center?  Would they have counciling services there?  I've looked in my phone book and online but canot locate such a center in my county.  There is a Chinese school for children, though.
  • clearheavensclearheavens member
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    edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, I have heard about someone who went through what you're going through.  But this occurred with a Chinese wife and a Chinese husband in Vietnam in my parents' generation.  (So different time, different country, different ethnicity.)  It was worse for this poor wife because she actually lived with the in-laws.  As far as she told me, there wasn't abuse, but it was an extreme case of filial piety.  She wasn't even permitted to step outside the house without her in-laws' permission.  Her husband was already in the USA for a few years trying to get her sponsorship to reunite with her so she couldn't even tell him what she was going through.

    The wife's solution?  She ran away to an aunt's house and worked night and day as a seamstress to earn her living. :/ When she reunited with her husband in the USA, she told him everything and he scolded his family for not having treated her kindly.  Somehow, through a lot of personal strength and grace, she forgave her in-laws.  But she tells us that when they're over, she'll only serve cheap chicken, never beef.

    I thought I'd tell that story to give you courage that such a horrible situation can have a peaceful ending.

    While I don't have exact advice, I think the direction you're going by going to a counselor is good.  You will definitely need a Chinese counselor because anyone else would seem threatening and they won't even take the counselor's advice seriously by claiming, "What would he understand?"

    I think your goal is to get them to trust you and their son that you two can manage a family on your own. It's absolutely necessary for them to understand that for you two to have a functional family, you need your autonomy, especially in terms of educating and baptizing your children! If everything fails, as a final resort, you may have to cut ties just so you can run your family.  Not saying it's gotten that far yet, just that this is serious enough that it could merit that.

    I would also advise not telling them news about you two they don't have to know, and when you do have to tell news, to let him do the talking instead.  If they ask you a direct question, say, "I'll have to ask my husband."  It'll make you seem less threatening as a daughter-in-law and more "submissive" to their son, being outside decision-making, even though in reality I'm sure you two are equal decision-makers.  Sad to not be able to be totally yourself around them, but appearing like you're very pious is a part of keeping peace with them.

    I feel for you.  You will have to very strong.  But in any case, don't let them ruin your beautiful marriage.  That is a blessing to have!
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  • edited December 2011
    clearheavens,
    Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply.  I really like your suggestion about defering to my husband if my in-laws ask me a question about something.  And yes, you're right, I will have to become quite "pious" and simply not be myself when I'm around them.  Basically, I'll just need to keep my mouth shut (I can be quite opionated at times.)  :)

    Anyway, it really helped me to read your post.  Thanks again and I really appreciate your support.

    Have a wonderful and happy new year!
  • jenandcrisjenandcris member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with ring_pop and clearheavens completely! And I'm glad that you and your DH have decided to go to a Chinese counselor. Hopefully, in the future you'll be able to get your FIL/MIL to join you... I'm also glad that FI has brought up the issue with his parents. Maybe he can bring it up again, but be more firm. Like, "Mom/Dad, your opinions mean so much to DW and I, but I'd like you to know that DW and I will raise our children as we see fit."

    FWIW, I'll tell you a story about my mom and dad since our religious issues are kinda similiar with your wanting to baptizing your children. My mother (Christian Baptist, HK/Vietnamese) was arranged to marry my dad (Buddhist, Cambodian & etc) way back in the old country. Fast forward to my/my siblings' births and there was war! My dad's family was livid that my mother wanted to raise us as church going Christians. As my dad has never been really religious, he had NO inclination to tell his wife that she couldn't raise her children as she saw fit. So he just told his side of that family just that. ... It didn't matter to them though. They still had to put in their two cents whenever they could. It's been over 20 yrs... and they've slowly started to ease up. Not completely, but from what I remember as a child and now- it's dramatically different.

    In-Laws are difficult to deal with. I know FI is scared of my family... ):
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  • StuffingStuffing member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    One other thing that I thought may be useful... Are there any older relatives / relatives of your parents' generation that see your position?  If so, you can have them advocate for you.  It would be useful to have someone on your side because knowing how Taiwanese people are, they don't like outsiders.  Depending on what your in-laws are like, they might not agree to talk to a "stranger" about your problems.  In that case, it may be a better idea to get your points across by sitting down and discussing the situation with those relatives present.
  • edited December 2011
    What faith are they?  If they're Buddhist, they might be afraid that their Americanized son and his Christian wife (and probably Christian grandson) will not keep rites for them after they die -unless they drastically traditionalize your life now.  Not very productive, I know, but my parents worried about that, too.  So my German Beloved took Vietnamese classes, and flew out to see my father himself to show that he respected my family's traditions.  Incidentally, my Beloved asked for his blessing to marry in the same conversation, and my dad granted it.  You sound like a sincere and respectful person, so I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what their real concern is.  Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    Hugs to you for being so strong and so caring!  Are they having financial problems and worried that no one will take care of them; that could be part of it too.  Best of luck.  I hope you can find a chinese counselor.  Try the cultural center like someone suggested.  I am in DC and the one they have here is great.  I know that Boston and Rhode Island have pretty big chinese communities- you may want to look there also.  Hang in there but remember that you only have control over how you respond/ act-
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