Update: cant get married in the church apparently :(

soccerella7 · January 2011

So i live in va (close to the NC border) but grew up outside of DC in Maryland. I contacted the church i grew up in about getting married there, and was basically told I cant since a) i dont go there anymore and I have to for at least 6 months before a wedding can even be scheduled. b) I am not a registered catholic at a church down here.

I understand it to an extent but not really. How can my friend who hasnt been to church in years, lives with her boyfriend and is pregnant get married in her catholic church? I'm sure I'm not the only girl who has ever wanted to get married at the church she grew up in, instead of one that I have no ties to in virginia.

Any suggestions?

Riss91 · January 2011

Just keep asking around. Some priests want to be sure you're a practicing Catholic and so they impose tighter restrictions. Others will not be as strict. Do you have a priest that you or your family is close with? If so, you could see if he'd be willing to perform the ceremony and then you just need to make sure the pastor at whichever church you use is okay with that. Plently of people do that.

FWIW, we were married in a chapel at a parish neither of us belonged to and brought our own priest in from a different parish, which we also didn't belong to. Just keep asking around.

SoHappyToBeMrsC · January 2011

Some parishes have stricter policies about allowing non parishioners to marry there. It's not uncommon.

If you live in VA, take this as an opportunity to create a tie to the church you attend there. It will be the church you worship in weekly, where you will be married, where your children will be baptized, etc.

Instead of clinging to something from your childhood, create something new for yourself as an adult.

Calypso1977 · January 2011

ditto Riss. parishes all have different rules and regulations.

have you thought abotu joining a church where you live? we chose to be married in teh church we attend regularly as a couple, rather than go to a parish that H or I went to growing up. it was nice to receive a sacrament in a church that we know our future children will get their sacraments in.

soccerella7 · January 2011

i didnt join a church here, because well the only catholic church is really ghetto and i dont like going there. I go occasionally with a friend to a church in another city, but its still far away and im not a member, which doenst help me with getting married this fall

We are planning on moving after we get married, but the new house is an hour and a half from where I live now, so I cant really join a church there since I cant get to it every sunday

Also we are definitely getting married in maryland, so while id love to start ties with a church here (i contacted the one near where we will live awhile ago just to introduce myself), but id like to get married where I already completed all my other sacraments - plus my fiance isnt catholic so it means more to me to get married at the one i grew up in , rather than one i have no ties to

lisa89760 · January 2011

Can't you join a church near you and then switch to a new church after you move? My FI and I joined my uncle's church (he is marrying us) but it's 30 min away so it can be a hassle to drive to church every Sunday and we are looking at churches that are closer to join after we are married.

By joining the church near you, you will be able to do the marriage classes etc and then still get married in your childhood church.

agapecarrie · January 2011

Its a lot how you approach the conversation and who you talk to.

If you called the church and stated that you are "getting married this fall" and are looking to book the church.... well, that doesn't show very well...it seems like you are merely looking for a venue, and one with nostalgic value.

Instead, approach them as if you are seeking marriage and formation...the sacrament, instead of a place to hold a wedding. If you aren't fulfilling your Sunday obligation, perhaps more formation is needed before choosing a vocation within the faith. Priests have a right to delay marriage for a couple who might not be ready... therefore dates shouldn't be chosen until the discernment portion is done.

A church may be so popular that they must honor those that are parishioners, and they may very well fill up the schedule.

soccerella7 · January 2011

thanks carrie, that makes sense....I may have not been very clear to him in my first email and probably gave too much information. I stated I was not a registered member of a church here, but that doesnt mean that I dont go, which is what I think he took it as. I sent another email back explaining that I really wanted to get married these since i did all my other sacraments there and that my parents are still members and such, basically asking for clarification too since he made it sound like there was no way i could get married there since i coudlnt do the counseling and attend masses at that particular church

lindsaynewbride10 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_cant-married-church-apparently?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7d216f58-e41d-41b9-a1c5-4ee1c9587a89Post:3ab8f34f-9e2e-40ec-be4c-7cfa73e45ae8">Re: cant get married in the church apparently :(</a>:
[QUOTE]i didnt join a church here, because well the only <strong>catholic church is really ghetto and i dont like going there</strong>. I go occasionally with a friend to a church in another city, but its still far away and im not a member, which doenst help me with getting married this fall We are planning on moving after we get married, but the new house is an hour and a half from where I live now, so I cant really join a church there since I cant get to it every sunday Also we are definitely getting married in maryland, so while id love to start ties with a church here (i contacted the one near where we will live awhile ago just to introduce myself), but id like to get married where I already completed all my other sacraments - plus my fiance isnt catholic so it means more to me to get married at the one i grew up in , rather than one i have no ties to
Posted by soccerella7[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but, the church is really ghetto?!

unplainjane · January 2011

definitely talk to other churches. we had a similar problem. every church has their own rules. though i saw your wedding date is this september. often you need to talk to your church a year in advance though.

GulfCoaster · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_cant-married-church-apparently?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7d216f58-e41d-41b9-a1c5-4ee1c9587a89Post:ba03ad17-de05-4d03-bb90-44d5865773ae">Re: cant get married in the church apparently :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cant get married in the church apparently :( : I'm sorry, but, the church is really ghetto?!
Posted by lindsaynewbride10[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I kind of wondered about that phrase too...

Anyway, OP, keep asking. As agapecarrie says, it may be in how you're phrasing things. If the church gets the impression that you're only looking for a pretty place to get married, they're more likely to say no. But if you emphasize your prior ties to that parish, why it's a spiritually significant place to you, why it would be important for you to enter the sacrament of marriage there, etc.... perhaps things will go differently. Good luck!

camaryal · January 2011

Because I'm off at school, I am technically not a member of the church that FI and I will be married at, but because my parents are still active parishoners there it's not a problem. I don't think there should be an issue with doing the wedding prep at a different church than the one that you will be married in. I have friends who were married in Ohio but did all of the wedding prep in Tucson. Just try approaching him again about the subject. I feel that because you have these ties to that church he may be more lenient.

Theresa626 · January 2011

Maybe you should have your parents say they'd like to schedule their daughter's wedding since they are parishioners. That might go better if your mom says she's planning it for you since you live out of state or something. Also, just to be on the safe side, I'd fill out the form to join the church and then donate by mail in envelope every so often. They can't prove you're not attending really and they just want you to donate on a regular basis probably.

ootmother2 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_cant-married-church-apparently?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7d216f58-e41d-41b9-a1c5-4ee1c9587a89Post:3ab8f34f-9e2e-40ec-be4c-7cfa73e45ae8">Re: cant get married in the church apparently :(</a>:
[QUOTE]i didnt join a church here, because well the only catholic church is really ghetto and i dont like going there. I go occasionally with a friend to a church in another city, but its still far away and im not a member, which doenst help me with getting married this fall We are planning on moving after we get married, but the new house is an hour and a half from where I live now, so I cant really join a church there since I cant get to it every sunday Also we are definitely getting married in maryland, so while id love to start ties with a church here (i contacted the one near where we will live awhile ago just to introduce myself), but id like to get married where I already completed all my other sacraments - plus my fiance isnt catholic so it means more to me to get married at the one i grew up in , rather than one i have no ties to
Posted by soccerella7[/QUOTE]

I'm fairly certain that Jesus wouldn't want you to get married at a ghetto church so I won't even touch the rest of this post!

soccerella7 · January 2011

ok ghetto might not have been the right way to phrase it - but how about unsafe area? My friends car has been broken into twice while she has been at mass and there are always "interesting" people hanging around outside. I just dont feel comfortable the few times that I have been there and know I'm not going to be able to relax and actually get what Im supposed to out of a mass worrying about whats going on outside

soccerella7 · January 2011

and Theresa thats a good idea - additionally I've contacted the church that I will be attending after we're married to see what they suggest and abotu joining there now, the only issue is that I still wont be able to attend mass on a weekly basis there since Its and hour and a half from where I am now. Anyhow I will let you know if anything changes

ootmother2 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_cant-married-church-apparently?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7d216f58-e41d-41b9-a1c5-4ee1c9587a89Post:4c32adc8-ba78-4a16-9e04-7e97ee4f2e2d">Re: cant get married in the church apparently :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you should have your parents say they'd like to schedule their daughter's wedding since they are parishioners. That might go better if your mom says she's planning it for you since you live out of state or something. Also, just to be on the safe side, I'd fill out the form to join the church and then donate by mail in envelope every so often. They can't prove you're not attending really and they just want you to donate on a regular basis probably.
Posted by Theresa626[/QUOTE]

Absolutely have your parents arrange that for you! Jesus wouldn't want to be hanging around with any "interesting" people either!!

soccerella7 · January 2011

so things are turning around

The priest had misunderstood a few things I said the first time around and I a few things he had said as well. I contacted the local church today and am being sent a registration packet as well as was put in contact with the woman who organized pre-marital preparations. Since I have to wait until I am registered six months before a wedding date can be scheduled (which would be the end of July) and we wanted to be married in September, the priest has agreed to pencil me in for hte date i wanted and will evaluate us in July to make sure we are still progressing towards that. So now the next step is for us to travel up to maryland to do our first interview with my priest and then see what is required for us down here. The only snag now I see is that my fiance works on a boat two weeks a month and wont be here/ able to attend mass or classes during those periods of time

k8ly · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_cant-married-church-apparently?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7d216f58-e41d-41b9-a1c5-4ee1c9587a89Post:2f335634-eb93-4383-b960-9c4eabfab238">Re: Update: cant get married in the church apparently :(</a>:
[QUOTE]so things are turning around The priest had misunderstood a few things I said the first time around and I a few things he had said as well. I contacted the local church today and am being sent a registration packet as well as was put in contact with the woman who organized pre-marital preparations. Since I have to wait until I am registered six months before a wedding date can be scheduled (which would be the end of July) and we wanted to be married in September, the priest has agreed to pencil me in for hte date i wanted and will evaluate us in July to make sure we are still progressing towards that. So now the next step is for us to travel up to maryland to do our first interview with my priest and then see what is required for us down here. The only snag now I see is that my fiance works on a boat two weeks a month and wont be here/ able to attend mass or classes during those periods of time
Posted by soccerella7[/QUOTE]

Glad it's working out! It's refreshing to see someone who's willing to dig into what it takes to follow their faith.

And I'm sure Jesus would want you to be able to attend mass without fear of your own safety. Oviously if your friend's car got broken into twice the church is is targeted in the neighborhood during mass times. (Ghetto isn't a popular term on the boards, but don't let the people who have semantics issues scare you away - keep updating us!)

Good luck!

Update: cant get married in the church apparently :(

Re: Update: cant get married in the church apparently :(

Choose Another Board

Search Boards