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Not Engaged Yet, But...

KatherineTheBride1993KatherineTheBride1993
in Not Engaged Yet
My boyfriend brought up the prospect of marriage first, so I started a little preplanning (with his blessing, of course). I bring this up to my mother and she's excited. I bring this up to his stepmother (the only mother he really has) and she seems enthused enough.

What I don't understand is why no one seems to support us. Especially his father. I have NEVER asked his dad for anything. NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. But whenever marriage is brought up in front of him, he goes on a rant. And his stepmother, who had always loved me and been very honest with me, starts siding with him.

He even told me to my face he will NOT being wearing a tux no matter how much I ask.

I don't ask much, and you down the prospect of my marriage to your son?

Can I get some input here?
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Re: Not Engaged Yet, But...

  • myrinaemyrinae member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
    As many ladies will tell you here, your engagement period is when you plan for your wedding. You're not engaged and already talking to both sets of parents about marriage, including what you want them to wear? Slow down and enjoy your relationship. Once he proposes and you have a date, then start worrying about planning and conversations with parents. To do so now is silly, and you'll burn yourself and others out on wedding talk. 
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  • steignsteign member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    You don't need to be worrying or stressing about your BFs dad not wearing a tux because you're not engaged! Why would you waste your time & energy on that? If his dad doesn't want to wear one, will that make your marriage invalid? Fight those battles when the time comes. As for now enjoy your relationship as it is. Do NOT preplan! None of the ladies here will support it.

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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Stop planning. I don't care that your boyfriend has given you permission -- the fact is, YOU AREN'T ENGAGED. This will NOT go well for you, not here and not irl.

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  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    You aren't engaged.  Stop stressing about what people will be wearing to a wedding that isn't happening yet - because you aren't engaged.
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  • RWS2011RWS2011 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:cf32c0b7-ebd7-4824-a0c4-381871cc179d">Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My boyfriend brought up the prospect of marriage first, so I started a little preplanning (with his blessing, of course). I bring this up to my mother and she's excited. I bring this up to his stepmother (the only mother he really has) and she seems enthused enough. What I don't understand is why no one seems to support us. Especially his father. I have NEVER asked his dad for anything. NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. But whenever marriage is brought up in front of him, he goes on a rant. And his stepmother, who had always loved me and been very honest with me, starts siding with him. He even told me to my face he will NOT being wearing a tux no matter how much I ask. I don't ask much, and you down the prospect of my marriage to your son? Can I get some input here?
    Posted by KatherineTheBride1993[/QUOTE]

    <div>JIC
    <div>
    </div><div>Katherine, even if you have begun discussing marriage, it could be a bit of time (maybe months, maybe years) before you are actually engaged and even longer until the wedding.  You don't know what season you will be getting married yet, what your SO will care about when the time comes to plan the actual wedding, or what input family may have if they are helping to pay.  In short, pre-planning is a grown of version of fantasy play, or dress up.  It is not productive and could actually be hurtful if you start expending too much time and energy on something that may happen some day rather than what is actually happening right now.</div><div>
    </div><div>Some questions:</div><div>
    </div><div>How long have you been together?</div><div>How old are you? Your SO?</div><div>Are you done with school? Is your SO done with school?</div><div>Are you both financially independent from your parents and each other?</div><div>
    </div><div>Depending on the answers to these questions, it might shed some light on your SO's parents.  Then again, he might just be a humbug about it, which you can deal with once your BF proposes to you and you begin planning a real wedding.  In the mean time, focus on the relationship and have fun dating.</div></div>
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  • buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Why stress on something that you would be concerned about when you are engaged when you're not engaged?? My bf and I always talk about when we get married and I know he's the one I want to marry but I would never plan a wedding.

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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:cf32c0b7-ebd7-4824-a0c4-381871cc179d">Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My boyfriend brought up the prospect of marriage first, so I started a little preplanning (with his blessing, of course). I bring this up to my mother and she's excited. I bring this up to his stepmother (the only mother he really has) and she seems enthused enough. What I don't understand is why no one seems to support us. Especially his father. I have NEVER asked his dad for anything. NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. But whenever marriage is brought up in front of him, he goes on a rant. And his stepmother, who had always loved me and been very honest with me, starts siding with him. He even told me to my face he will NOT being wearing a tux no matter how much I ask. I don't ask much, and you down the prospect of my marriage to your son? Can I get some input here?
    Posted by KatherineTheBride1993[/QUOTE]

    You know the phrase "jump the gun?" This is a good example of that.
    You're not engaged yet but.... you started planning and even got both of your families involved. Your username is even Katherine<em>TheBride</em>.

    Either you came on here to stir up drama on a slow day or you need to halt it on the planning process.
    I think it's great to discuss marriage. You should discuss it with your partner. I mean, you should want to be on the same page as to where the relationship is heading, what you expect, etc. But there is no reason to be actually planning, unless you really are a bride. If that's the case, and you are a bride, congrats on being engaged!!!

    If you're engaged, plan away. Not everyone might support your marriage and that really sucks. What reasons have they given you as to why they don't approve? What does his father say in his rants, besides the fact that he won't wear a tux?
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  • beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    You guys are SO mean!

    OP, you go ahead and preplan your little heart out. I suggest starting with these things:

    Contact a venue and book it. Who cares if you haven't discussed a date with your partner. He'll come around by then. 
    Try on and purchase a dress. I always suggest buying super expensive gowns for occasions you are not at all sure will happen. It's just a few thousand bucks, anyhow. Shoot...put it on his credit card! Like I said, he'll come around by then.
    Purchase your own engagement ring. Give it to him with the bill. He'll get the picture and pop the question immediately....

    OR...

    He'll run in the other freaking direction. Which is my tiny, mexican, heart's hope. 

    Buggle...I believe we need that picture right about now. You know the one...
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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  • Beads921Beads921 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I notice you have 1993 in your s/n. Which makes me think that's the year you were born. Which means you're 19. Which is why no one is supporting you. 

    Oh snap I solved the riddle!

    Age aside though, you are not engaged, and therefore you should not be planning a wedding. Pretty simple.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    Bean, screw your BF.  Will you marry me?  Your tiny, Mexican heart and my supercold feet are clearly a match made in heaven.

    OP - maybe it's time to dial down the crazy, drop the wedding talk, and focus on you, your relationship as it stands now, your career/school, and being independent.  Especially if you are, as I suspect, 19.

    Me, I'm going back to making bread for my BF and roasting my feet on a hot water bottle.  No wedding talk involved at all!
    I french with my man
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  • catrb89catrb89 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    I never spoke about getting married with my FI's parents until we were actually engaged. You're not engaged and potentially only 19 years old - this must look like a big bucket of crazy to them.
    Your favorites list on here is like 20x longer than mine, and I'm actually planning a wedding.
    Let me give you a little timeline...
    March 2011 or so - FI brings up marriage for the first time. We go ring shopping 8-9 mos later, then again 3 mos after that, THEN we got engaged 6 mos after that. So just getting engaged... you might be looking at a timeline of 1.5-2 years. The point being - YOU DON'T KNOW. Especially if you're only 19. You really need to pump the brakes and chill out.
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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You're arguing with your BF's father over whether or not he'll wear a tux to your future wedding...when you are not engaged.

    Does that really sound sane to you?

    What a waste of energy.

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  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I have 97 in my screenname but I'm not 15. Could be when she graduated HS or college. OP Like others have said, stop talking with your BFs parents about your nonengagement. Maybe they are waiting until it actually happens to get excited...
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:f62a344a-4e2e-4058-b5d0-aaaa6a1fdb2a">Re:Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I have 97 in my screenname but I'm not 15.</strong> Could be when she graduated HS or college. OP Like others have said, stop talking with your BFs parents about your nonengagement. Maybe they are waiting until it actually happens to get excited...
    Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]
    What???  I mean, of course I knew that.  ;)  
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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  • annmarie714annmarie714 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Crazy train came to TK again.  Most recent passenger is KatherineTheBride1993.
    Where there is love, there is life.-Ghandi
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  • beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:19e74245-b68b-437e-825b-d1d94902a74a">Re: Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Bean, screw your BF.  Will you marry me?  Your tiny, Mexican heart and my supercold feet are clearly a match made in heaven.</strong> OP - maybe it's time to dial down the crazy, drop the wedding talk, and focus on you, your relationship as it stands now, your career/school, and being independent.  Especially if you are, as I suspect, 19. Me, I'm going back to making bread for my BF and roasting my feet on a hot water bottle.  No wedding talk involved at all!
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    You DO get me ALL WEEKEND LONG this weekend!
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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  • buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:8e6f2a35-91f5-41de-a4dc-2ff61fe20ade">Re: Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anything for you, Bean.
    Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]

    roflol this made my day!!!!!!

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  • Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Buggle that made my day as well.

    Anniversary

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  • beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:8e6f2a35-91f5-41de-a4dc-2ff61fe20ade">Re: Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anything for you, Bean.
    Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]

    God I love you!
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:f62a344a-4e2e-4058-b5d0-aaaa6a1fdb2a">Re:Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I have 97 in my screenname but I'm not 15</strong>. Could be when she graduated HS or college. OP Like others have said, stop talking with your BFs parents about your nonengagement. Maybe they are waiting until it actually happens to get excited...
    Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

    <div>You were also not dropped off by the crazytrain.</div>
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    And the OP was never seen again.........

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  • annmarie714annmarie714 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:e6f7f8fa-afa7-432f-a0bd-9b1344374534">Re: Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]And the OP was never seen again.........
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    They don't let you get on the interwebz except in study hall. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
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  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae519f04-9a6c-41f7-b3ef-60f7de6a39b9Post:5551e118-4621-4e38-9dae-27ba9a634493">Re: Not Engaged Yet, But...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I notice you have 1993 in your s/n. Which makes me think that's the year you were born. Which means you're 19. Which is why no one is supporting you.  Oh snap I solved the riddle! Age aside though, you are not engaged, and therefore you should not be planning a wedding. Pretty simple.
    Posted by Beads921[/QUOTE]

    This was my first thought, too.  Hopefully it means something else...  hopefully.
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  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    *knock knock* where did she go? 

    Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    I know I'm new and all, but don't you think you guys might have scared her a little?
    I mean, at 19 I was planning my wedding to my BF (who yes is still my BF) and I think it was because I was so very insecure about myself and our relationship that I was worried it wouldn't happen. But telling me that I was 19 and planning my wedding was a ridiculous thing to do would have just worsened my already crappy self-esteem.
    Two years later I understand planning it was completely wrong. We weren't ready two years ago to get married. We still aren't ready, with me going to grad school and him just starting a new job in a year, getting married just doesn't make sense. 
    Thanks to my boyfriend, I don't need a wedding to prove to myself that I'm worth being loved. But it took three years with an amazing guy and many many stupid mistakes for me to get there.

    If you're still there KatherineTheBride, don't worry about your FIL until you actually come to that roadblock. My MIL wore a prom dress (believe me it was fancy!) to my BIL's wedding, it was not the end of the world because we all knew the wedding was about my BIL and his darling wife, not about his mother.
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