Holy Guest List...

[Deleted User] · September 2012

So FMIL gave me her final guest list this past weekend. We're hoping for 150 people to come to the wedding. Our guest list is now at 293...omg.

Now I realize that most of her guests won't come since it's at least an 8 hr drive for most of them but DANG. She has 135 of that 293 on her list alone...

If her additions were guaranteed not to come I'd feel a lot better about this. FI called her the other night to discuss the numbers but that was before I had everything typed up. I don't really need advice on what to do about this since we've already spoken to her about it, this is more of a vent session for me.

P.S. She said we could throw a second reception in Pittsburgh after the wedding to decrease our guest list but didn't volunteer to pay for it so that sounds like a good plan until you figure out that FI and I might end up paying for that, too....No thanks! I'd rather pay for one wedding on my own instead of two.

rachelm13 · September 2012

My FMIL did the same thing. SO ANNOYING. They have a huge family (85 people make up his immediate family: aunts, uncles, first cousins, brothers, nieces, sister, parents). Their list was about the same as yours. THEY wanted a sit down 5 course, blah blah blah Barbie wedding, yet, only wanted to give us essentially enough money to cover flowers. maybe. We said no thanks and doing it our way. We ended up sending out STDs to about 205 people. We cut people off the master list that we either didn't know, knew our families only speak to them at weddings/funerals etc. We replaced them with folks who we definitely want there on our day... THose that want to make the trek will. If your FI speaks with her, he can always ask her to cut down the list to her "must haves". There is also the saying on TK, no pay, no say.

orangehills · September 2012

I would say, oh yeah- we'll do the 2nd reception. Then just not do it unless she pays for it. I wouldn't count on those people not coming either- you never know. This may be the wedding they decide to say, heck I'm going to go! Are you making her cut the guest list? Or is she equally paying? That sucks... my FI parents had no one to invite thankfully (besides aunts/uncles). That made that pretty easy haha

lcatterton · September 2012

I'm so glad I am not dealing with this issue with my IL's. I'd have a hard time arguing with them! The only excessive guest list adder has been my Mother and I can tell her NO pretty easily! Hahaha. :-P

shanding4787 · September 2012

Oh honey... that's nothing... our's is at 373...it makes me want to cry! Small wedding, that's what I want!

[Deleted User] · September 2012

FI and I are paying for this ourselves...

Now he and I are thinking we'll do the 2nd reception and just address who pays for it at a later date. His dad doesn't have a job right now but hopefully he'll have one by then and if he does, he makes a TON of money. When we get married, I'm quitting my job so who knows if I'll find another one once I move to Tampa....

This is the first day I've said it, "we shoulda eloped!!!"

mabapunta · September 2012

Yikes. Luckily we haven't had an issue with completely random people. But with family, friends and kids, we still have more than we can fit. I know many people won't come, but at the same time I don't want to chance it - maybe they'll just decide to show up anyway. So I don't know what we're gonna go - other than sending Save the Dates only to people we actually care about coming.

shipsinthenight · September 2012

I feel for your FMIL, because I'm that person. I would love to have 300 people, but fi wants like 50, so 200 is the max, and I'm the one who's pulling things lopsided. And his mom and dad want us to go small and have a tiny budget, and my dad wants to invite everyone we know/have known...But yes, if she's not paying she doesn't get a say. You have your fi talk to her about numbers. Although what you really should have done is figure this out before hand. One way would be to estimate with fi about how many you wanted to invite, how many he wanted to invite and then split along % lines. Like he estimated his mom wants to invite 200 people, you estimated your family wanted to invite 100, so you agreed he could invite 2/3rds of the total you settled on, and your family would invite the other third. Or you can split even halves. Fi and I agreed on a total number, he told me how many he wanted to invite, and I got the balance, since all of his guests are OOT, and mine are mostly local. Sounds like you've figured out a system, by cutting people who are important to his parents, but not to you...I know this works for some couples, but not to sound gift grabby, the gifts given by parent's friends are often nicer/more generous than those of younger couples. This has historically been a major reason for inviting parental friends, especially back in the day when a bride and groom had not lived together prior to their marriage. Many couple today find a balance between inviting their close friends and their parents' close friends. Although with the number your FMIL sent you, she may have been wanting to invite everyone she knows. Deffinitly invite the family first, and then see if you have more room for her MUST haves, and leave off the rest. And if any of her must haves are people you or fi don't like, cut them...

bluefish81 · September 2012

I wanted a smaller wedding too, but the destination wedding that I wanted got nixed. Our guest list is at 349 but almost half are family. We're hoping for around 250. We've already eliminated 30 or so people and may still cut more.

rmasoka · September 2012

This remains the MOST STRESSFUL part of wedding planning. I have a large family but we were trying to keep it @ 250, but now it's more like 330???? Eish wish my mother would understand that we do not need to invite everyone. Smh.

vk2204 · September 2012

I understand why you are frustrated. Our wedding list is pushing 300 people and we are okay with that, but when we first made the list (a year ago), I asked FI for his side and our total was around 260ish. About a month ago, I asked for addresses from his mom and there were an extra 30 people to add to the list! I wanted to punch FI in the face. Now I don't care that they are on the list (my side is the better part of 200 people) but I wish I would have known that right at the beginning.

Most of his list is out of town and I was told they probably wouldn't come either; but I am not taking any chances and planning for 100% attendance.

[Deleted User] · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_holy-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:ed620f83-48bd-4785-b56c-5df341d2241dPost:e819cbd9-1a3b-4c99-8e67-4644b64706c3">Re: Holy Guest List...</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel for your FMIL, because I'm that person. I would love to have 300 people, but fi wants like 50, so 200 is the max, and I'm the one who's pulling things lopsided. And his mom and dad want us to go small and have a tiny budget, and my dad wants to invite everyone we know/have known...But yes, if she's not paying she doesn't get a say. You have your fi talk to her about numbers. Although what you really should have done is figure this out before hand. One way would be to estimate with fi about how many you wanted to invite, how many he wanted to invite and then split along % lines. Like he estimated his mom wants to invite 200 people, you estimated your family wanted to invite 100, so you agreed he could invite 2/3rds of the total you settled on, and your family would invite the other third. Or you can split even halves. Fi and I agreed on a total number, he told me how many he wanted to invite, and I got the balance, since all of his guests are OOT, and mine are mostly local. Sounds like you've figured out a system, by cutting people who are important to his parents, but not to you...I know this works for some couples, but not to sound gift grabby, the gifts given by parent's friends are often nicer/more generous than those of younger couples. This has historically been a major reason for inviting parental friends, especially back in the day when a bride and groom had not lived together prior to their marriage. Many couple today find a balance between inviting their close friends and their parents' close friends. Although with the number your FMIL sent you, she may have been wanting to invite everyone she knows. Deffinitly invite the family first, and then see if you have more room for her MUST haves, and leave off the rest. And if any of her must haves are people you or fi don't like, cut them...
Posted by shipsinthenight[/QUOTE]

Your idea of figuring out the numbers beforehand is a great one. In fact, I did that ;-) We said we wanted 150 people to come max so each side(FMIL, my mom, FI, and I could go for about 60 people each). So FMIL took some of FI's numbers, which is fine b/c he didn't have as many people to invite but 135 people...DANG. Now my mom is worried that our venue(the rental home that she owns) won't support that many people. I really don't think her entire guest list will show up so it's probably not a big deal but there's really no telling. I agree with PP, they might just decide to show up b/c they're curious. P.S. the people we want to cut are business contacts, not family. The business contacts are people FI and I have never met and likely will never meet.

[Deleted User] · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_holy-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:ed620f83-48bd-4785-b56c-5df341d2241dPost:2c85635f-a9d4-4a1b-9b77-eab689c193f3">Re: Holy Guest List...</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand why you are frustrated. Our wedding list is pushing 300 people and we are okay with that, but when we first made the list (a year ago), I asked FI for his side and our total was around 260ish. About a month ago, I asked for addresses from his mom and there were an extra 30 people to add to the list! I wanted to punch FI in the face. Now I don't care that they are on the list (my side is the better part of 200 people) but I wish I would have known that right at the beginning. Most of his list is out of town and I was told they probably wouldn't come either; but I am not taking any chances and planning for 100% attendance.
Posted by vk2204[/QUOTE]

I had nearly the same thing happen, I asked our mothers for their lists a couple of months ago and we achieved a solid balance between everyone, made our guesses of who would come and who wouldn't and it was right around 150. WOMP WOMP. Both moms came back with a few more they left off, my mom had about 10 she had left off, no big deal. His mom had about 40....WLERITWIJTI@QJ#J#)(<a href="mailto:$%*@P" rel="nofollow">$%*@P</a>!!!!!

[Deleted User] · September 2012

Okay, since I know you're all dying to know the outcome of this saga here it is:

Wonderful FI listened to me rant and rave last night and calmed me down and said he'd take care of it b/c he's the best :-D He called his mom and talked it over with her. She is going to go through and figure out who she thinks will absolutely come and who won't and they're going to trim down the list overall. Now that I can work with! I realize it's ridiculous to predict who's coming and who's not but the older folks that can't sit in a car for 8 hours or travel by plane most likely won't come. The ones with kids that are super active at school probably won't come since it's right at the end of the school year. The ones who can't afford the travel and hotel rooms, probably won't come. The ones in Colorado, Michigan, Rhode Island, Conneticut, Texas and a large portion of the Pennsylvania people probably won't come to the middle of nowhere North Carolina. Probably but not guaranteed. We are all going to go through our lists and make cuts and hopefully we can get it back down to around 280 :-)

P.S. Thank you all for your input and for making me feel better about having a huge guest list. You ladies rock and I'm honored that we'll share the same anniversary month forever :-D

orangehills · September 2012

Glad to hear they are all working on it!!! I'm sure it will get to the number you want. Isn't it crazy how weddings just get so carried away? I originally wanted like 40, then went to 55, now it's at 70. Good grief! Oh well- I guess it'll be nice to have that many people admiring you on your wedding day

I am glad though that I'll be able to have everyone I care about there so that will be good!

futuremrsmurphey · September 2012

Mine is currently at around 150. I find this to be a good #. This is with FMIL list. Havent spoken to FFIL yet but I doubt he will want to invite anyone, we dont really get along.

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