S/O Inviting the obligatory d-bag

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

Reading mrsb's (new mrsb, not classic mrsb) post this morning about having to invite a sketchy guy to her wedding because he was someone's SO got me curious...

It seems that most of us have had "that guy" they'd rather not have at the wedding, but whom we had to invite because they are someone's SO. Generally the advice seems to be, "don't worry, you won't notice him/people will escort him out if he causes trouble." Does this theory prove true? I'd be curious to hear others' stories on how this actually turned out. Any drama or was it not even an issue?

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

Here's mine: My friend's SO of 12 years (HS bf/gf) and father to her two children is a complete d-bag. He was controlling: wouldn't let my friend go for a quick coffee to visit me while I was in town without tagging along. If I invited her out for drinks, he'd either come with her or make her bring the kids so that we wouldn't be able to go to a bar. He'd sit back and not work while she worked graveyard shifts at a diner and days at a real estate office, then make her cook for him and the kids and do housework when she got home. Oh, and he would hit on me all the time in front of her, ask to have threesomes with us, and compare our bodies, i.e. telling her she should lose her baby weight and look more like me (back in the days when I was skinny). When he wasn't hitting on me he was drunkenly telling me I was dumb and that he was better than me.

So when it came time to invite her to my wedding, I dreaded it but had to invite him too, since she would be flying cross-country to see me get married, and they were common law married and all. I anticipated him heckling during the ceremony or toasts, or getting shitfaced and grabbing my boob during the reception. I told H and some guy friends that if he gave any indication of these behaviors that he should be shown the door.

But it actually went off without a hitch, and they had a great time. There was so much going on that I really didn't notice him, only the people I cared about. His table said he was fine. And he only mildly (and drunkenly) hit on me at the very end of the night, but thankfully my friend was in the bathroom so she didn't see it. I was like, okay bye, thanks for coming and have a safe flight back!

betrothed123 · January 2010

Yes, it held true in my case. I had a few complaints from guests after the wedding about his behavior, but I barely noticed it the day of. What I did notice wasn't nearly enough to make me uncomfortable at all.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-obligatory-d-bag?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe4cbf8a-d280-431b-bc74-9d8527d1da95Post:b7337920-eb73-477d-892e-0e19995479ff">Re: S/O Inviting the obligatory d-bag</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O Inviting the obligatory d-bag : I don't know, Sarah. That's incredibly brave of your friend to overcome her experience enough to do that, but I would never expect that from anyone. At some point, I would draw the line at guests who have a history of perpetrating violence and/or abuse, etiquette be damned. Safety is more important than any wedding.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's what I thought too, but apparently she was under extreme family pressure to invite her grandparents. Up to this point they really haven't been supportive of her and her sister, since they had to grown up in that trailer park where Gpa lived AFTER the abuse. They think its all over and done with, but my friend does not. I don't think she has spoken to her grandparents since then. She is the only sane one in her family. I tell you, being a BM for that wedding was one of the craziest things I have ever agreed to do. They are the most dramatic, catty people on the planet, and I was SOOO happy when it was over. Trying to get the BP ready and dressed was like wrangling wet cats.

betrothed123 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-obligatory-d-bag?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe4cbf8a-d280-431b-bc74-9d8527d1da95Post:b7337920-eb73-477d-892e-0e19995479ff">Re: S/O Inviting the obligatory d-bag</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O Inviting the obligatory d-bag : I don't know, Sarah. That's incredibly brave of your friend to overcome her experience enough to do that, but I would never expect that from anyone. At some point, I would draw the line at guests who have a history of perpetrating violence and/or abuse, etiquette be damned. Safety is more important than any wedding.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

I think it can be difficult to grasp the dynamics in a situation like this. I had a VERY similar experience, and I had little choice but to invite that person to my wedding. The only other option would have entailed me answering a bunch of questions about why he wasn't there, when everyone always knew us as being very close. It would have been more painful to have to think about that constantly on my wedding day than to see him a couple of times and move on from it.

Pirata13 · January 2010

OMG I'm so glad for this post! I was just saying to my one friend that I hope our other friend's Dbag boyfriend is still in jail for my wedding, or better yet, that our friend sees the light and gets off the Crazy Train. Her boyfriend was drunk, "blacked out" and almost strangled one of their female friends to death. Um, yeah. And because he & his family/friends are they type to put all kinds of crazy stuff out on FB, it's clear he has had alcohol problems before and an "almost-fatal" DUI in the past.

So yeah, NO DESIRE to have him at my wedding. We can't figure out why she is still with him, it's bad. I'm just praying she opens her eyes soon. Because I think I'd have to take the "Sorry, but he's not welcome" route and I know it'd probably end our friendship. But I can't say I'm comfortable with him being there. But then, what's the worst that can happen--he could get drunk at my wedding and strangle my friend in their hotel room because he "blacked out"?!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

Yeah, Sarah, D-bags are one thing. I fully believe you should suck it up and invite the BIL who gets annoyingly drunk or the friend's idiot boyfriend who hits on everyone. But if someone has, oh, committed a crime against you (identity fraud, breaking and entering, sexual molestation) you have good reasons to not invite that person.

If someone said, "Oh, so-and-so raped my MOH a few years ago. Do I have to invite him to the wedding? He's a good friend of my parents." I would give them a firm NO answer.

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

Betrothed, I'm really sorry to hear that. Like I said, it's incredibly brave for any bride or groom to take on this decision, so all I can do is respect people's choices and their reasons for doing it. I don't know what this situation is like, so it's probably easier for me to make sweeping statements about where I would draw the line.

Nebb · January 2010

I hate the term but we totally had a pair of "frenemies" that we had to invite (we were invited to theirs, guy worked with my husband, other guests are friends with them and we worried they wouldnt come if they werent invited). By the time of the wedding I really just hoped they wouldnt shop because they were really such total douche bags about everything - always talking down about us, our wedding, commenting on how much better theirs was compared to what ours would be, etc. Day of the wedding we said hi to them, thanked them for coming and honestly didnt see them the rest of the night. We had a couple friends on the "look out" for them taking shiit about us that night so that they could be kicked out, but they didnt say anything negative about us, just talked about their own wedding all night apparently. No issues came up so it turned out to be a non issue.

betrothed123 · January 2010

Beatles,

Before being in the situation myself, I would have been one to make sweeping generalizations, so I can fully understand where you're coming from.

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

Gee nebb, that must have been a fun table to be at. I would probably stab someone with my fork if they just talked about their wedding all night at someone else's wedding. Glad they didn't bug or demean you guys that night.

Pirata, that's scary. See, this is one of those case-by-case instances for me. I think you are quite within your rights to ban that guy. That worst case scenario is awful! Ugh, why can't all of our friends choose non-assholes who aren't hazardous to their health?

Nebb · January 2010

They actually ended up leaving right after the cake was cut too, so that helped! I think they wanted to be there as much as we wanted them there.

Pirata13 · January 2010

beatles, it is scary actually. We are all at a loss what to do. She is like a totally different person now. and has lost all sense of reason. Apparently, she has been in several arguments with her family about her boyfriend & his family, and has disowned one of her sisters for it. Our mutual friend confirmed to me that he has never physically abused her, but that there is a lot of other stuff going on. None of us can put our finger on what the missing link is, but there is a general feeling that much more is at play and she's not saying what it is. Whether he's gotten her hooked on something or what, we don't know. But over the months, we keep saying it's like she's brainwashed or in a cult or something. Now that we know some of these details, we have very serious concerns.

S/O Inviting the obligatory d-bag

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