MIL Drama

BHosford · April 2010

Sorry- this is a bit of a rant...and long...

FI and I have been engaged for a year and a half. Shortly after getting engaged I found out that I got into my dream grad school in Newfoundland. We moved here together in August, but due to visa/work permit issues (don't get me started on these) we thought it best if FI moved back to the States until after our wedding. When his mom and step-dad found out he would be returning home, they insisted that he live with them. FI was a bit hesitant since his mother can be a bit overbearing, but agreed so that he could save some money.

I've been planning the wedding from a distance with help from my mom, who has been wonderful. My parents said from the get-go that they would help us pay for the wedding and we're extremely grateful. FI's mom and stepdad also said that they would like to help financially and otherwise and to just let them know. FMIL will email me and ask how she can help so FI, my mom and I have asked them to help out with a few different things. We asked if they would pay for the tuxes, to which they agreed. I asked if FMIL would like to help address invitations (she is one of 11 kids and FI"s family is more than half of the guest list) and she also agreed to this. These are just a few examples.

Well, as nice as she is to me, she takes EVERYTHING out on FI. When he brought up the tuxes a few weeks ago she freaked out of him, saying she doesn't remember agreeing to that, even though we've spoken on the phone and through emails about it more than once. She now refuses to pay for anything so we have to rework out budget. When FI asked her if she was still going to help address envelopes when I get back in a few weeks she started screaming at him again, saying she didn't agree to that either. When he tells her that she did indeed agree to help out, she threatens to kick him out of the house...

The kicker is SHE STILL IS ASKING ME HOW SHE CAN HELP OUT. I don't know what to do. She's nice to me but bitches to FI about everything I suggest she help with. I've even ASKED her what she would LIKE to help with, to which she replies "whatever you want me to do, just let me know!" I don't want her to feel left out, but at the same time, she has backed out of everything she said she'd help with. I would understand if it was merely a financial thing, but it's things that don't costs money as well. I just feel bad for FI.

So what should I do? Just leave her out? It makes me feel guilty but at the same time I feel worse for FI.

luckyme502 · April 2010

I think you just have to tell her that you have everything under control and don't need help with anything. Then, don't ask for help anymore. She obviously doesn't want to anyway.

lu27 · April 2010

I disagree with the opinion that FDILs should let their FIs handle FMILs. There is a tactful way to speak to your FMIL. Why put FI in the middle? You are going to be family and you are both adults... I'm sure you can work it out together. That being said... talk to her and let her know how you feel and that you would like her to be involved, but if you have crossed a line in any way, she should feel open to discuss it with you DIRECTLY. If she still acts this way, then I would stop asking for her assistance with anything.

BHosford · April 2010

Thanks, ladies

luckyme: I agree- I think I'm just going to tell her I have it under control. She was the one who originally approached me about helping out, but oh well. I think if she starts to feel left out it's her own fault.

Blueyed228 · April 2010

There are ways for FIL's to help out that do not include money. I know you asked her to help with invitations, but maybe try something else that doesnt have to do with her forking over dough.

If she is still being a nut, then just stop asking and if she asks just say thanks but we are all set.

Just out of curiosity, why are you paying for tuxes? Is that for the groomsmen?

BHosford · April 2010

I always thought that I had a good relationship with my MIL. We email regularly and chat and facebook. It's tough to talk to her right now because I live in Newfoundland for school and she's in Nebraska. When I'm done with school in a few weeks it will be a lot easier to communicate.

I have asked her help with other non-monetary things and she has declined to do those as well. I think I'm just done finding things for her to do. If she had truly wanted to help she could have previously.

We decided that we wanted to pay for the groomsmen's tuxes and the bridesmaid's dresses. FI said he didn't want to ask his friends to be in the wedding and then say "Oh, by the way, it's going to cost you 150 dollars. Thanks!" He had been in a wedding where he was an usher and had to rent a really expensive tux (we were both shocked when he had to pay for it) and I think that's what helped him decide to do things this way.

JoyTate1 · April 2010

I would just leave FI out of it. When you get back, just bring over invites to be addressed and do them with her. Don't let him bring things up to her, since obviously she is just going to snap at him, and just ask yourself how the tuxes are coming along, etc. Don't even mention to him what she says she will help with. If she continues to be rude to him anyway, then I would just tell her "My mother and I have it under control at the moment, but thank you for asking! We will let you know if anything comes up."

nyrek · April 2010

Just me...but I call people out when they're acting like that. If it was me and FMIL asked what she could do to help...I'd be honest and say, "We'd love for you to help, but apparently you seem to get very upset with FI when we ask...so we'll just handle it on our own. Thanks anyways though."

That's just me. My family also tells me I can tend to be "mean" however I don't see how being honest about them being a jackass makes me the mean one. Good luck with crazy.

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