relatives staying at the house

Deanster23 · September 2010

my fiance and i just bought a house recently. my fiance has some relatives from another country coming in for the wedding, let's say Jamaica. they struggle with money and so when they come for the wedding, they'd have to stay at someone's place instead of the hotel. my fiance's mom has an apartment only 2 blocks away from where we live but she only has one BR, whereas we have 3 extra. the thing is, our wedding is all DIY, most of the duties falling on me. my fiance's family expects us to host them for a whole week 3 days before and 3 days after the wedding. it's completely freaking me out.

should the fiance and i be expected to do this because they're sacrifcing just to pay for tickets to get here? we weren't even inviting anyone out of town, but fiance's mom invited them anyway. logically, to me, it should be FMIL who should take in these guests. but in fiance's culture, it'd be rude for us not to take in the relatives since we're the ones who have the space.

please give me your perspective. i'm really stressing.

p.s. we're also housing a groomsman and his family and fiance's grandparents and uncle

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

If you're already hosting people in the other two bedrooms, what's a couple more? If it was going from hosting no one to hosting these people, I'd understand more. But it's already going to be chaos so I'd just go with it, but make sure everyone understands that you won't be able to entertain them 24/7. Give them things to do in the area.

bellebride116 · September 2010

Personally, I would never inconvenience someone by staying at their house for the wedding. I just think there's too much going on. It's nice that they want to come, but if they can't afford a hotel room then I think it's more hassle to have them there than it's worth. Surely there's got to be some sort of cheap motel they can at least fork over the money for if they want to be there that badly? Maybe I'm just inconsiderate towards people who want to come to the wedding, but if they have to stay with me I would rather them just not come. Even if I had a massive mansion with 20 extra bedrooms, it's just not a good time. But, that's just me.

Deanster23 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_relatives-staying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cd2f5a6-fc19-49d0-86e6-f19840d9f632Post:5604f212-1216-479d-8e81-7edabb0e6006">Re: relatives staying at the house</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: relatives staying at the house : I agree with TR. Where are you and your FI planning to spend the actual wedding night? If at the house, I'd reconsider and get a hotel room for the two of you. You'll want/need some alone time that day.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

we were planning on renting a hotel room in the city for a couple nights.

i guess i'm freaking out because i'm kind of high-strung. growing up in a small family that liked their personal space, i'm used to having my privacy. and i'm scared that they're going to expect a lot from me like cooking for them and taking them places (since they wouldn't have a car). i guess if there's no other choice (like my fmil taking them in) then i'd just have to suck it up and make them feel welcome (lol, i sound so rude. i swear i'm not).

pinkpinot · September 2010

I don't think you sound rude because I'd feel the same way. I hate entertaining people at my house and I couldn't image having a bunch of people over right before my wedding. Try to make the best of the situation, you could always put them to work on the DIY projects :-)

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_relatives-staying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cd2f5a6-fc19-49d0-86e6-f19840d9f632Post:6167f96d-9f65-4ca5-8f32-2e9154431621">Re: relatives staying at the house</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: relatives staying at the house : we were planning on renting a hotel room in the city for a couple nights. i guess i'm freaking out because i'm kind of high-strung. growing up in a small family that liked their personal space, i'm used to having my privacy. and i'm scared that they're going to expect a lot from me like cooking for them and taking them places (since they wouldn't have a car). i guess if there's no other choice (like my fmil taking them in) then i'd just have to suck it up and make them feel welcome (lol, i sound so rude. i swear i'm not).
Posted by Deanster23[/QUOTE]

I know how you feel, I really do. I was an only child and it was just me and my mom growing up so I like my alone time. And if you look back, you'll see a few posts from me about my FIL's wanting to stay with us the week of the wedding. (They did end up staying with us a few days, but luckily they mostly stayed out of our way.)

But that would have been going from being by ourselves to hosting someone. I just think that you're already going to be giving up your privacy by hosting the two other groups of people so would adding one more be that bad? Versus the possible hurt feelings among family?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

I told my own brother he couldn't stay with me. Just sayin'. (My parents both offered to pay for his hotel room, agreeing that it wasn't cool for him to stay with me.)

If FMIL invited them, I'd let them sleep at your house (since you have more beds, presumably), but tell her that she, most definitely, should be hosting them. Cooking them dinner, giving them things to do, entertaining them, giving them directions. You'll be too busy. End of story.

I also have to agree that if they can only afford flights and not a motel or rental car, well, then they really can't afford to come to the wedding.

Deanster23 · September 2010

TR, i totally see your point. and if anything, the only thing i can change in this situation is my point of view. i'll try to not worry as much and just hope for the best.

thanks ladies for the input.

squirrly · September 2010

I agree with TR - just host them. HOWEVER. Talk to your FMIL and let her know that while you have the SPACE to host, you really don't have the TIME to do so. However, the guests are welcome to stay at your house, but she or other family will need to cover the other hostess duties, like transportation, etc. You and your FI already have a full slate. Hopefully she'll be amenable to that.

arv266 · September 2010

I come from one of those families where it's considered rude to not welcome guest into your home, so I completely understand your FI's family.... Try not to categorize their actions into rudeness -- but just culturally different. If you are having other members of the family stay with you, the couple may feel stung that they have been excluded. I understand that you are stressing, but in the scope of things, its lovely that you have people care enough for your FI to make the trip. Even more so that this is not an easy task financially for them.

You do not need to feel that you need to entertain them every 24/7. Talk this over with your FI and set a plan of action. Were you planning on cooking for the other guest? If not, consider getting you FMIL to help, or even plan on having take out. Try to keep yourself organized and busy, and not focus too much on the little stressing things.

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

I think having your FMIL be responsible for transportation and entertainment is the best plan. Like I said, my ILs stayed with us a few days the week before the wedding, but they went out with friends so much we hardly knew they were there and it wasn't a hassle at all. Good luck with everything

noodle_oo · September 2010

I was in your exact situation. We bought a house, no one else had space. So we had my brother's family plus 3 small kids staying with us. I was really worried about it, but it was okay. My mom was also in town, so I just made it her job to take care of them. And they understood, they were pretty self sufficient.

I know you want your space, but if you look at it objectively, you guys have more space than anyone else and it is a little rude to tell them they can't stay with you. (of course no one would really fault you if you did, but I just felt too guilty to say no since it would inconvenience everyone else so much). Just make it clear that you have a lot to do and that they are sort of on their own. That is: no cooking, they have to take care of getting around themselves, etc etc. If they need food, tell them where the closest restaurants are or give them take out menus. If you don't let it stress you out, you'll be fine.

My only other advice: stock up on sleeping pills the days before the wedding. I coudln't sleep due to stress (not the house guests). Thank goodness my brother gave me a sleeping pill the night beofre the wedding!!

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

I couldn't sleep the night before the wedding either, but that was because I was sharing a hotel room with my mom and she snores like you wouldn't believe. I would have literally killed someone for a sleeping pill.

eshaufle · September 2010

I don't think it's your responsibility to host them if you don't want...it's not like you invited them. If you think it would add too much stress to you then just tell your FMIL that she's going to have to host them. I don't understand why they can justify the cost of flying to your wedding if they can't even afford a cheap motel for a couple of nights?? Either way, they should be able to tolerate a few nights of sleeping bags at your FMIL's tiny apartment rather than increasing your stress and houseguest burden. I wouldn't host anybody although it sounds like you already are letting some people crash but I think that's outrageously nice of you.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

if you weren't already having people staying at your house i'd say hell to the NO to anyone staying. i certainly wouldn't have small children (ever) like noodle did, eep. but that's me.

but since you already have people staying it's probably a good idea to let these people stay also, otherwise they might feel singled out. with the understanding that your fil's are in charge of everything but housing.

basically i agree with everything tr said.

i'm also giving a little side eye to your comment that the only thing you can control in this situation is your point of view. it's your house, you're allowed to say no to people who want to impose. in the future, don't let yourself be run over by people.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

Use the fact that you already have people staying there to your advantage. Others may disagree and think I'm being tough, but you are already hosting people, so you can say the spare rooms are full. You know the families, and especially with it being your wedding, the people already staying there may be easier for you to work with around, while others may be more difficult.

PS if hit makes you feel any better, my parents do not have a super big house and there are 4 of us that live there, 10 more staying for the weekend of the wedding (so I am sleeping on the floor in my parents bedroom the night before the wedding), 2 dogs, nevermind the 9 bridesmaids and photographer that will all be there the morning of the wedding. I feel your pain.

LeahDVM2003 · September 2010

I like the idea about getting them to help with all your DIY projects! Free room=free labor!

But definitely get someone else, namely MIL, to entertain them.

deb84 · September 2010

I think this can be done. Simply make sure the kitchen is stocked with easy foods for them to prepare for themselves. Have FMIL be a host in them and help with transportation, giving them directions, etc. (But maybe have a page of things to do in the area printed out to give them ideas) Basically even though they are staying, you go on living your life as normal. They can take care of themselves just make sure they have access to what they need. (Food, towels, etc) As for the wedding night...I'd get a hotel room!

meganb1977 · September 2010

I also come from a small family of people who like their personal space but I'm marrying into a family who would consider it rude not to host everybody. I'm with the others who trust that FMIL has easy access to your house and could help play hostess, and I agree that you should get a hotel room or stay somewhere a little more quiet the night before the wedding. Like everyone said...be clear that you won't have time to play hostess and don't let it add to your stress! Anyone who takes offense, that's THEIR problem.

JanoBean75 · September 2010

How many bathrooms do you have? Will there be enough hot water for that many showers? Are the pipes capable of handling that much bathroom use?

kate25314 · November 2010

I'm in a similar situation -

We have a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment and are expecting a lot of out of town guests. We have at least one house guest on the couch so far and my fiance is also going to invite a couple of his friends to stay with us because he thinks it might be a financial burden for them to get a hotel room. So I think that's three, plus us, plus anyone else who asks - since we already opened the door.

We have his family coming from out of the country and my family coming from out of state for a whole week so there are already a lot of people to entertain. (We are hosting dinner for everyone at our house one night, then the rehearsal dinner the next, and then the wedding) I think it will be o.k. - but I am used to having a lot of privacy and don't want to have some kind of panic attack the day of the wedding. I don't think we will have enough hot water for 5 showers on the day of? uh oh.

Any suggestions for stress management?

relatives staying at the house

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