Sorta XP... Childless wedding dilema

CowgirlK39 · February 2012

I posted this months ago in the etiquette forum but all I got was hit over the head for something other than what I asked. So I will try you girls because ya'll are WAY nicer.

My parents neighbors have been good friends of ours since they moved in. They had a young daughter who I spent years baby sitting. I hung out with her mom on a regular basis and we were super close. However when I got to be in my late teens, they had another baby. At that point I was too old to be baby sitting and then went away to college so I have very little connection with the youngest girl.

When my wedding rolls around, the oldest girl will be 16 and her sister will be 9. I really want them to be at my wedding, but not the little one. Nothing against her but there will be no other kids there so what is she supposed to do? I feel bad though, like its rude to say "All of you can come except your lil daughter."

Also, the 16 year old has a bf. Neither my family nor I approve of who her parents let her date. She dates MEN in their 20s and her parents think nothing of it! Personally I do not feel like I must allow her to bring a date, not only because of how I feel but also thats another mouth we have to pay to feed, not to mention its someone I dont even know, and who won't matter to anyone in a month. My mom says I have to allow her to bring the bf because otherwise she will be bored.

So.. do I have to invite the youngest one if I invite the oldest? And If the oldest comes, do I HAVE to allow her to bring the scumbag bf?

DeadUtopia · February 2012

I would think that a 16 year old wouldn't get a plus one, even if she does have a BF. I could be wrong on that one, but I will say from a parents' point of view, I might be a little taken aback if one of my children was excluded and the other wasn't. If you have a clear age cutoff, that might help your case with them though.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

I think what you want is fine! We aren't having anyone over 16 at our wedding either. I would just send her her own invitation and send her parents one for them. That's normally an 18 and up "rule" but I think it is fine for the situation. And heck no do I think you have to let a 16 year old have a date. That's silly. If she's going to be that bored, they will probably just leave early or she won't come (which I know isn't what you are going for but is her choice). If she's grown enough to date men she should be just fine to interact with the adults who will be there, no?

CowgirlK39 · February 2012

We just answered each others posts. Nice

Thats what I am afraid of... I don't want them to be offended but I basically grew up with the oldest one. She is like a little sister to me but I really don't know the younger one. What I do know is that she is very loud and screamy. That worries me.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

Oooo I don't like those kids haha! I know I'm terrible. Is there anyone else at the wedding who will be the same age or younger than the little sister (excluding FG?RB)? If not, just explain to them somewhere (by word of mouth, doesn't need to go on the invite) your cut off is 16 or whatever. As long as its 10 or older you should be ok but the older it is the less arbitrary it sounds.

Sarah&Eric2012 · February 2012

FI and I are not giving plus ones to his younger cousins. They're 18 and 21 and still live at home so it's going to be a "FI Uncle and Aunt & Family" type of invite. As far as the younger girl goes, if there is a "no children" rule at your wedding then she falls into that age cutoff and would be excluded anyway.

lbarr088 · February 2012

I'd say if they are still living at home (especially 16... isn't 18 the age of consent??) then you don't HAVE to include a plus one. I'd say your main reasonings for doing this are probably not the nicest but I'm not going to get into it, so don't take offense to that

How old is the youngest girl? If you aren't having anyone under 10 that is understandable but it's hard to pick and choose without someone getting their feelings hurt. Our reception is having no kids but our ring bearers. I felt that that was the easiest way instead of picking and choosing.

DeadUtopia · February 2012

I just want to throw in that I wanted a no-kids wedding, except for a couple friend's kids who we adore. In the end, we wound up just including children so no one would get butt hurt about their kids not being included while some were. There's a family friend on FI's side who just flat out doesn't watch her crazy, screamy, breaky 3 young children. I would sell a kidney to make sure that they don't go, but I really wanted my best friend's children of the same age to attend. Icky situation.

BUT, if your wedding is no children across the board, then it's not like your picking their kid exclusively to not come, ya know? I think it would be okay.

DirtyWater · February 2012

I wanted to have the cut off at 18 and older. We ended up changing that to 13 and older because I wanted certain family to come and they could not if their children were not invited.

We just got our first, "Hey, got your STD is this an adult only or are there little rodents invited?" I just replied with, unfortunately we couldn't accommodate every single person and child so we needed to make a cut off at age 13, we hope that you can still come celebrate!.

smartlypretty · February 2012

I think you should try to invite the 9 year old if you can since the rest of the family is coming. Do you have room? And the 16 year old *definitely* doesn't need a date. The "must invite SO" rule only applies to people over 18 so don't feel bad about that. Under 18 also doesn't need her own invite- you can include her with her parents.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_sorta-xp-childless-wedding-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:a7b26787-b2f5-49c0-bf6f-3d95d530c70cPost:ff302ce3-6584-4fc5-8764-50972769aa50">Re: Sorta XP... Childless wedding dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted to have the cut off at 18 and older. We ended up changing that to 13 and older because I wanted certain family to come and they could not if their children were not invited. <strong>We just got our first, " Hey, got your STD is this an adult only or are there little rodents invited?" I just replied with, unfortunately we couldn't accommodate every single person and child so we needed to make a cut off at age 13, we hope that you can still come celebrate!.
</strong>Posted by DirtyWater[/QUOTE]

This is really well said, Dirty!

Starfish0116 · February 2012

This is precisely why we went with no kids at all. The only person under 25 will be my 13 year old sister.

It's hard to put a cutoff ate a certain age (other than say, 18) because a 15 year old doesn't look any younger than a 16 year old in most cases. So how many people will be up in arms that their kid wasn't invited.

It stinks, because I have a family that I used to babysit for when I was in college. Their kids are 13 and 9. I refuse to split them up, that's rude, but I'm not allowing anyone else to bring kids so that doesn't work either.

The exception to the no kids rule is if they are in the wedding party. Can you make them part of the wedding? Like guest book attendant or passing out programs?

Otherwise, I'd say kids pretty much need to be all or nothing. If you decide to invite them, the 16 year old doesn't need to bring her boyfriend but I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

jessa1228 · February 2012

Eh...I personally don't think the 9 year old should be excluded. To me it's weird that the rest of her family is invited and she isn't. If she was a toddler, then maybe. But if you're close to her parents, why not just ask them about it? Explain the situation and see what they say. They may have no problem with it, you never know.

As for the 16 year old, I wouldn't give her a plus one.

SCogs18 · February 2012

I think it's okay to not include the 9 year old, but only if you have a general rule like "no children under 14" so then it's not personal to this one child/family.

Don't give the 16 year old a date, she doesn't need one and her 20-something boyfriend doesn't want to go to her old babysitter's wedding.

mamameech · February 2012

Even tho there will be no other kids there, as a parent, I would be offended if only one child were invited. I totally understand the logic - she will be bored - but it's just not kosher IMO.

We are in a tough situation too; we wanted to say no kids (other than my son and the flower girl), but with all my family coming from out of town, that's really hard to do. So we limited it kids IF coming from out of town; those in town, can find sitters or whatever. Of course it looks bad still because FI's side will have like no kids because he's from this city, whereas there will be some from my side. We'll never please everyone....

CowgirlK39 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_sorta-xp-childless-wedding-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:a7b26787-b2f5-49c0-bf6f-3d95d530c70cPost:f6b3822e-adac-4487-8419-1559a11a9af9">Re: Sorta XP... Childless wedding dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd say if they are still living at home (especially 16... isn't 18 the age of consent??) then you don't HAVE to include a plus one. <strong> I'd say your main reasonings for doing this are probably not the nicest but I'm not going to get into it, so don't take offense to that :) </strong> How old is the youngest girl? If you aren't having anyone under 10 that is understandable but it's hard to pick and choose without someone getting their feelings hurt. Our reception is having no kids but our ring bearers. I felt that that was the easiest way instead of picking and choosing.
Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

Wait, what isn't nice? Having an age limit? I'm confused. That's pretty much what this comes down to, really. If they were close in age there would be no prob. If I had money/room for kids to be there, this would be no prob. If I allow them to bring the 9 year old, Im sure I will have parents say "wy couldnt my kid come?" If I say no to the 9 year old, then I have 3/4 of one family being there. If I wasn't as close to the 16 year old as I am, I wouldn't invite her, but she's like a little sister to me.

I asked my mom what she would have done if we were in this situ years ago, since my brother is 4 years older than me. She said "Well, if the age limit was X then either you wouldn't go or neither of you would go." I felt like thats the sensible attitude to have but you never know with people.

likeadeadstar · February 2012

Even if the etiquette board came off harsh, I will concur with what I'm betting they said: breaking up the family's children that way risks serious offense. I know you're not keen on the younger one, but it is going to offend and hurt. Generally, a age cap rule works, but anyone on E will tell you that splitting families makes for awkwardness and the potential they won't come.

Another alternative, depending on what your wedding looks like, is to make 16 yo a bridesmaid and say no kids except WP, but they may still be offended.

Honestly, I'm going to say that to avoid drama llamas and offense, you should invite the 9 YO BUT you can talk to the parents and point out she will be the only young child and may feel very bored/left out/uncomfortable, and suggest that they may want to choose not to bring her, but it's up to them.

As for the 16 YO, unfortunately, from etiquette rules, if she and BF are in a relationship and the parents approve, you should invite them as a social unit. I know that some feel under 18s are exempt from this, but my brother was permitted a date to a DW at age 17, so it's not unheard of. If you think of her as a sister, you're more likely to tick her off by saying no dates. Does she know a lot of people there near her age? Parents don't count - 16? She wants peers. Like the 9 YO, she'll feel alone/uncomfortable. You'll be too busy to spend much time with her man-friends anyway.

I say all of this as someone having an adult-only wedding (no one under 18 except one exception, Fi's nephew, who is 11 and well behaved, and FI's brother is a single parent flying across the country, so not cool to exclude him - we're having him as ring bearer to prevent drama).

ejheart · February 2012

Well, PP's have covered this pretty well but I will say that when I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding (at age 16 or 17) I did NOT have a date. I am assuming that I wasn't given the opportunity to bring one since I did have a serious boyfriend at the time (however, the wedding was in another city about 3 hours away so it may not have been logistically feasible, either). I disagree with PP in that a 16 YO and her bf should be invited as one "social unit"...to me, a 16 YO is still basically a child. However, I DO agree with PP in the fact that she'll be more comfortable with a date. That being said, a 16 YO is still part of a family unit and sometimes has to go to family-oriented events where his/her significant other is simply not invited. I don't think you should feel bad in the least about not allowing her a guest (especially if you're having to crunch the numbers to fit everyone onto the invite list). I don't think the parents would question it for even a minute (especially if you do invite the younger sister).

Sorta XP... Childless wedding dilema

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