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A few things on my mind.... options please

LittleRandallLittleRandall
10 Comments
in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

I lost my father when I was 9yrs old. The whole father daugther dance at weddings have always botherd me. I have to leave the room and always get upset. I have a wonderful step father who I am proud to call my step dad  and love very much and I know if I wanted he would but I just dont think I can have that dance. It was meant for me and my father. Along with the walking me down the isle. But that I have always thoght my 3 brothers coould or at least one of them. So I dont want to do the father daughter dance. So what do I do if my FI wants to still do the mother son dance? I just think it may be odd haveing only one of thoes dances. I know people would understand. Would it be bad to not have it or if he wants it just do it. I have no problem doing so. Or does anyone have another idea.

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Re: A few things on my mind.... options please

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think it would be fine to have just your FI and his mom dance together.  And not do a dance for yourself and your step dad or brother.  It may also be nice to dance with your mom while your FI and his mom dance.
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  • cebrady89cebrady89 member
    100 Comments
    Your fiance and his mom can still do the dance. I'm sure your family and friends will understand why you're not doing a father/daughter dance, and no one would find it odd. Many weddings only do one dance or the other, so it's not a problem :)
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    If your FI wants to do the mother/son dance, he should.  You don't have to have a parallel dance.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    If your fiance wants to dance with his mom, it's fine.  No one will question you not having the same dance with your step-father.  Your wedding day should be happy and there is no reason to have the F/D dance and upset yourself.
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  • kennazebrowskykennazebrowsky
    100 Comments
    Go with what you want to do. I think everyone will understand. It's already an emotional day.
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  • Ash61612Ash61612 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_things-mind-options-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:fb94b25d-d6e0-475f-8bff-471931d52721Post:b310b388-6b80-4283-a8c4-697caae331e2">Re: A few things on my mind.... options please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your fiance and his mom can still do the dance. I'm sure your family and friends will understand why you're not doing a father/daughter dance, and no one would find it odd. Many weddings only do one dance or the other, so it's not a problem :)
    Posted by cebrady89[/QUOTE]
    agree. It's perfectly fine to just do one dance. You do what is best for your groom and you.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited January 2012
    The mother/son dance is really the only time the MOG is in the spotlight and it is usually a very important deal to them emotionally.  do not ask her to give that up.  I understand your feelings as I lost my dad when I was 3. 

    It will be fine to just have one parent dance.
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  • SEJackson07SEJackson07
    First Comment

    First I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent at a young age is something that you never get over. I was also very concerned about the F/D and M/S dances and how it would look to only have one. I have an incredibly strained relationship with my father and do not want to dance with him or "give him the honor" of it (if he even decides to show up). Either way it was something that had me stressed since the day after I got engaged, the whole how will it look if my FI dances with his mom but then I dont dance with my dad, especially when I found out how important the dance was to FMIL.

    But what we finally decided was that immediately following my and my FI's first dance his mother will be standing at edge of dance floor so that without having to announce it (so it isnt so obvious we are doing one and not the other) he immediately walks up to her and asks her to dance. We felt like it was the best compromise of giving her the dance she wanted and not having to announce it. Also we figured that if he went up to her and asked at the end of our dance people would still be kind of standing around and watching so she still gets her "moment."

    I know it may sound bad to not stay and watch but I may go to the RR while they do their dance. I am really happy that he has an amazing mother and glad they have a great relationship but in the past at weddings I have often had to walk out of the room during parent dances as I also get very emotional watching them.

    Hope this helped!

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  • LittleRandallLittleRandall
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_things-mind-options-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:fb94b25d-d6e0-475f-8bff-471931d52721Post:41b208bc-15d4-4156-a76d-9918d8019862">Re: A few things on my mind.... options please</a>:
    [QUOTE]First I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent at a young age is something that you never get over. I was also very concerned about the F/D and M/S dances and how it would look to only have one. I have an incredibly strained relationship with my father and do not want to dance with him or "give him the honor" of it (if he even decides to show up). Either way it was something that had me stressed since the day after I got engaged, the whole how will it look if my FI dances with his mom but then I dont dance with my dad, especially when I found out how important the dance was to FMIL. But what we finally decided was that immediately following my and my FI's first dance his mother will be standing at edge of dance floor so that without having to announce it (so it isnt so obvious we are doing one and not the other) he immediately walks up to her and asks her to dance. We felt like it was the best compromise of giving her the dance she wanted and not having to announce it. Also we figured that if he went up to her and asked at the end of our dance people would still be kind of standing around and watching so she still gets her "moment." I know it may sound bad to not stay and watch but I may go to the RR while they do their dance. I am really happy that he has an amazing mother and glad they have a great relationship but in the past at weddings I have often had to walk out of the room during parent dances as I also get very emotional watching them. Hope this helped!
    Posted by SEJackson07[/QUOTE]


    Thank you it did help. :)
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  • mellimel19mellimel19
    500 Comments
    I totally get where you're coming from. My father passed away when I was 13. Father daughter dances never really bothered me at weddings until I became engaged, when it really hit me that my father wouldn't be there to dance with me. Like you, I've had to leave the room at weddings because I got so emotional during the father daugher dance. I don't have a step-father to dance with and I don't really want to do the dance with my mom (I don't think she would want to do it either), so FI and his mom are just doing a mother daughter dance- I wouldn't want to take that away from them just because I won't be doing a father daughter dance. I don't think you should be concerned about it looking weird or people questioning it, I'm sure most, if not all, of your guests know your father is deceased.
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  • Nicole Renee MillerNicole Renee Miller member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    I've been to several weddings where they did only one or the other, and it's not weird it all. Do what you feel in your heart.
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  • Sydney91Sydney91 member
    100 Comments
    My fiance and I are plannning to have several first dances (I would dance with his dad and my dad and he would dance with his mom and my mom). Unfortunately my mom is in a wheelchair and my fiance is 6'5'' so it won't work very well. My mom doesn't want the spot light on her since she is self-conscious and fighting depression. I have tried everything to get her to do this for us, even bribery, but she refuses. She asked me to get our neighbour (kind of a second mom to me) to dance with my fiance. I don't think it will be awkward or anything if the you do not have the father-daughter dance. Do what feels right.
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  • annie912annie912 member
    100 Comments
    I think it's perfectly fine to have only one. However, I would try to find some way to discuss this and the aisle thing with your step-father so he understands that it's not something personally against him. If he's been in a father-like role for awhile, he may be under the assumption that he will take part in these things as well. My guess is that he will be understanding and happy to be as involved or uninvolved as you want, but I think it would be a good idea to have a discussion.
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  • SarahChristinaJSarahChristinaJ
    First Comment
    I lost my mom three months ago and just got engaged a few weeks ago.  I started a site called blissfulbridegrievingdaughter.com on love, life, loss and wedding planning.  Please check it out and share your own insights. 

    I worry about the Mother-Son dance for my brother one day.  But i hope he'll just ask me and our other sister to dance with him!
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