Memorial note on program?

SKPM · June 2012

FI really wants to have a memorial note on the back of our program. If it weren't for this, we wouldn't have a program at all, since our ceremony is simple and the programs seem unnecessary. He would like for us to have a nice note (1-2 sentences) and then list those close to us who have passed. The problem is, we have numerous people to list, not just one or two. It would look something like this:

The bride and groom would like to remember the following people who have touched their lives [or something more eloquently worded]:

Mrs. MyMaternalGrandmother

Mr. and Mrs. MyPaternalGrandparents

Mr. FI'sMaternalGrandfather

Mr. and Mrs. FI'sPaternalGrandparents

Mrs. FSMIL'sMother

Mr. FSMIL'sBrother

Mr. MyCousin

Ms. MyBestFriend

Mr. FI'sBestFriend

Ms. FI'sFriendFromCollege

I appreciate the sentiment, but it just looks kind of ridiculous to me. I couldn't cut any of my people out (grandparents, a cousin, and a best friend whose parents will be in attendance). I would rather remember people privately through a song, locket, my grandparents' toasting flutes, etc. But FI feels strongly about naming people in the programs.

As a guest, would you think such a program page was superfluous and overly depressing, or would you appreciate the nod to all of the people we've lost? Thanks.

ETA: I am also hesitant because I think that, in order to be courtious, we would need to check with the close relatives of every person listed (other surviving children, etc.) so that no one is caught off-guard or upset. But FI has been a great help and a trooper in wedding planning, not asking for much, so I feel somewhat obligated to give in to this request. Help me talk him out of it? Or talk me into it?

strlzfan11 · June 2012

I think a note in the program without listing all the names is plenty. As someone said in the other memorial thread, the surviving spouses/parents/siblings/etc. might not want to be physically reminded of the loss.

SKPM · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:112d485a-d1bf-4ead-aa08-f4ae87027aa6">Re: Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you just not use the names and say something like , "We remember those who could not be with us today."
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
I would be much more amenable to this idea. I think that FI is really stuck on naming names, for some reason, but I will suggest a nameless memorial this evening.

Loopyseven · June 2012

Wow. That's quite a list. I would limit it to a statement with no names, or grandparents only.

JaxInBlue · June 2012

Simple is always better. A short note, without specific names, would be best, IMO. We had a vase of flowers at the entrance to our venue and a note near them that read something to the effect of "We remember those family and friends who are not with us today."

SKPM · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:1c0c0dcd-c879-4fd7-8580-a995807c3956">Re:Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. That's quite a list. I would limit it to a statement with no names, or grandparents only.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it's been a little rough lately, between us we've lost 3 very close friends and I lost a cousin last summer, plus we're at the age where grandparents tend to pass away. I don't quite know why it's such a big deal for him to name names, but I think it would be inconsiderate at best, since some losses were recent and many of the deceased will have other relatives present at the wedding. I just feel like I need a more solid argument as to why this is a bad idea..?

SKPM · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:fbed4ae3-6c65-4d79-bf44-21dee147c555">Re: Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]Simple is always better. A short note, without specific names, would be best, IMO. <strong>We had a vase of flowers at the entrance to our venue and a note near them</strong> that read something to the effect of "We remember those family and friends who are not with us today."
Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]
This sounds like a much better idea, IMO. Plus, then we wouldn't need the programs in the first place. I'll have to see if I can talk him out of it tonight.

OliveOilsMom · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:50be7829-e203-44d2-9677-db98c66f14b6">Re:Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Memorial note on program? : Yeah, it's been a little rough lately, between us we've lost 3 very close friends and I lost a cousin last summer, plus we're at the age where grandparents tend to pass away. I don't quite know why it's such a big deal for him to name names, <strong>but I think it would be inconsiderate at best, since some losses were recent and many of the deceased will have other relatives present at the wedding.</strong> I just feel like I need a more solid argument as to why this is a bad idea..?
Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE]

The bolded is your solid argument. Why not do what a PP suggested and have a bouquet of flowers at the entrance to your ceremony with a sign that says these flowers represent all family and friends who are not here in person, but in spirit.

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:fbed4ae3-6c65-4d79-bf44-21dee147c555">Re: Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]Simple is always better. A short note, without specific names, would be best, IMO. We had a vase of flowers at the entrance to our venue and a note near them that read something to the effect of "We remember those family and friends who are not with us today."
Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]

We are also going to do this. Between the two of us, we've lost 5 family members and a number of close friends. We thought a nice vase with a rose for each person that couldn't be here would be appropriate. We also plan on having a short, simple sentence at the end of the program. FI lost his mom when he was 15, and his grandfather just before he proposed, so we absolutely wanted to do something, but without making the day about that.

SKPM · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:f628b837-380a-4222-bed5-ffbb7857f58b">Re:Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Memorial note on program? : The bolded is your solid argument. Why not do what a PP suggested and have a bouquet of flowers at the entrance to your ceremony with a sign that says these flowers represent all family and friends who are not here in person, but in spirit.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]
You're right. I'm just struggling a bit because this is the first real wedding-thing that FI and I have disagreed on and both had strong, differing opinions about. And there isn't much middle-ground for compromise: either the names are listed (his argument) or they aren't (mine).

I have found ways to incorporate my deceased friends/family into the wedding in my own ways (a song for my friend without a dedication, my grandmother's necklace, my other grandparents' toasting flutes, and my uncles will wear my deceased grandfather's neckties). Hopefully I can encourage FI to consider taking a similar route.

SKPM · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:d63493c1-5157-41cb-a134-53715704dc06">Re:Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Memorial note on program? : Because you don't want your wedding program to look like a war memorial.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]
True statement. Thanks all for the input. I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who would think that a program with all of those names listed would seem inappropriate on some level.

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

My FI wanted a memorial candle and he wanted the names of the deceased on the candle. I looked in to it and they are either more than my unity candle was, or not the easiest to make. Plus, what do you do with the candle after the ceremony?

I remembered him making a comment when Prince William got married that he thought it was really sweet that there was a single white rose on a seat where his mom would have been. That gave me the idea for the vase, since with the pews no one would know he placed a candle there anyway. When I approached him on the matter, he liked it better than the candle.

It's a strong subject because you both are probably still going through some of the grieving process and weddings tend to bring out emotions about those we have lost. I'd show him some of the ideas you've come up with in lieu of the program and see what he says.

JaxInBlue · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:2e98334c-a94f-4976-88f5-d8383ce4b03b">Re:Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Memorial note on program? : True statement. Thanks all for the input. I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who would think that a program with all of those names listed would seem inappropriate on some level.
Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE]
Definitely talk more with your FI. Maybe you can reach a compromise and do a note near some flowers where you word it generally in memory of those not present and, if you and your families are okay with that, specifically list grandparents.

I personally think your strongest argument against having any list, in the program or otherwise, is not wanting to cause others grief - and you may not be able to predict reactions now. (Even though it's not a compromise, per se, you'd be putting your guests' comfort ahead of your personal preferences.)

klwpaz · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:bd2aa58b-c12f-4604-b4df-05ef80140478">Re:Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Memorial note on program? : You're right. I'm just struggling a bit because this is the first real wedding-thing that FI and I have disagreed on and both had strong, differing opinions about. And there isn't much middle-ground for compromise: either the names are listed (his argument) or they aren't (mine). I have found ways to incorporate my deceased friends/family into the wedding in my own ways (a song for my friend without a dedication, my grandmother's necklace, my other grandparents' toasting flutes, and my uncles will wear my deceased grandfather's neckties). Hopefully I can encourage FI to consider taking a similar route.
Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE]

I like the ideas you mention here, because they are personal rememberances for those who want to participate rather than drawing attention for those who may struggle with remembering on this day. I am doing similar sublte rememberances; FI is choosing not to. I wore my cousin's sweater for our engagement pictures (which my aunt appreciated but no one else even needed to know the significance). I am also planning to incorporate my grandparents' favorite flowers, mixed into the centerpieces with others. This was my mom's idea, and again, most people won't even notice, but it's special to her and to me. I think these types of things are even more special because they are private. For those who may still be grieving, it will likely be much easier than if there were a public announcement of sorts.

retz62 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_memorial-note-on-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:df023841-02bb-4688-822f-5de6d0e66dc6Post:112d485a-d1bf-4ead-aa08-f4ae87027aa6">Re: Memorial note on program?</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you just not use the names and say something like , "We remember those who could not be with us today."
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I like this idea the most.

My brother died when I was 14yo, he was 19yo, he sadly committed suicide. As you can imagine, it was heartbreaking for all of us, not to mention the 1,001 emotions that go along with having a family member kill themself :( Years after his death, an obituary shows up on the internet!!, with the story of his suicide, OMG!! It was from my aunt!, my father's sister (my father died too when I was a young girl). Anyway, we were moritifed... if you googled my brothers name, up would come the story of his death and his suicide! How horrible. I can't believe it tooks years for us to say something to her. When my oldest brother's son went to college, my brother contacted my aunt and demanded she take down the obituary. We have a very distinct last name, so if you put any one of our names on the internet, up comes my brother's suicide... awful. He told her it was intrusive to our family personal life, and she had no business to put a story up about my brother's death that she had no first hand information on. I mean who knows why he killed himself right?, one could only guess, that is my brother's story, and obviously we can't contact him.

That being said, death is a very private thing. It belongs with the immediate family... after all the immediately family is usually the ones who suffer most. I think either omit the entire listing of them, or ask each and everyone's permission. I would not want to see my brother's name on the back of a wedding program without my permission... that's just my feelings on the issue.

Good luck, I know you are just looking for advice, and I know it's hard to know the right thing to do... that's why this board is so very helpful :)

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