- London, UK
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knottie2adcd4bbb929a011 said:We received an email from my husband's brother that said that only my husband and our son were going to receive an invitation to his son's upcoming wedding. I am being excluded as is our daughter. We are not close to this family, in fact haven't spent any time with them for over 5 years. (We casually see them at obligatory functions). I think it is rude to separate husband and wife and brother and sister and that we should simply respond with regrets to the formal invitation. Am I wrong thinking we should just politely bow out?
Yes, how rude of me to offer help of a potential legal minefield about the country I grew up in that Yank after Yank on here continues to get wrong because they don't understand the laws.
It is very clear that the rules of etiquitte and common decency are indeed foreign to you.
Sick around, you may learn something. And leave your entitled, rude attitude at home if you come to Ireland for your wedding or you will be demonstrably explained what a 'Belfast Kiss' is.
Showers are for boxed gifts only. Make that clear to the bride. If she doesn’t want more ‘things’ don’t throw her a shower.
Host a non-gift giving event that is similar such as bridal tea or brunch.
The only time time it is socially appropriate to shower someone with cash is at a strip club. Never, ever, ever throw a bridal shower for cash or honeymoon vouchers.
Are you or your Fi an EU/ Irish citizen? There are residency requirements for getting married in Ireland.
knottie97fef26bcd5844af said:LondonLisa said:knottie97fef26bcd5844af said:Fill in? I already told you I had more girls than guys if you read the post, clearly wasn’t using anyone.
I asked if if she wanted to talk in person and she was pissed I wasn’t immediately forgiving her as she blew up my phone while I was working. Then proceeded to act like a child and blow up another BMs phone and bash me. So I told her to let me think about it all.
Yes I asked for opinions but has anyone been nice so far to me at all? Even if you don’t agree with me? Ridiculous. No wonder this world is so insane right now. Immediate hatred.
This comment “seriously, why is your first reaction to a close friend having a breakdown, ‘but my weddddddiiiing!!!!’ ?! “ along with the comment about people who say they don’t like drama stir it up? WHY IS THAT NECCESSARY
I’ll go talk to her but you guys are SERIOUSLY rude. Leaving this forum for good.
Her behaviour was wrong and out of order, but have you actually taken time to speak to her- not by text, not through another friend, but to call her up and say ‘Jane, what is going on- clearly you are upset, but before this let’s talk about the facts here.’ (Frankly, I agree with you, MLMs are a pyramid scam that are designed to manipulate your friends and family to pity-buy subpar products with heavy sales tactics and emotional manipulation. The fact they prey on mostly young mums, really drives me batty. But that is neither here nor there). The point is, you need to speak to her directly (not text! Not email!) and try to at least understand her without bringing up your wedding.
Its just seems tgat that you have viewed this friend crisis completely through the Lens of your wedding: if I kick her out will that affect me, my makeup on my wedding day and my photog? Rather than: whoa! my friend is clearly having a crisis. Let me try to sort it out.
And all of this started with gossiping, and is continuing with gossiping, so I also stand by my assessment that this is feeling ‘drama’.
You have six months. The panic in your post made me think your wedding was in a month!
Here is is how I would handle it:
1.) speak to her on the phone or in person. Start with: ‘I know it is a really stressful time right now so emotions are heightened, but can we please talk about the other day. It seems like you have a lot of anger towards me, we’re threatening to end our friendship and a bit more. That hurt me and makes me sad, so I’d like to understand what led you to this.’ Then LISTEN. Don’t interrupt her with corrections. Let her talk. When she is done, calmly tell her your side without being accusatory. DO NOT BRING UP YOUR WEDDING AT ALL!!!
2.) depending on how you feel, if you still need time, you could say something like: ‘I’m glad we could speak about this. Let’s take a couple weeks apart to think about this and regroup once emotions aren’t so high.’
3.) Take the next few weeks to reassess your friendship. However, there is no way to ‘demote’ someone from a BM to a guest. Your options are a.) continue as planned or b.) kick her out, end the relationship, and hopefully never see her again.
I get it, wedding planning is stressful and takes over your life. Just dont let it actually take over your life by allowing your wedding planning to dictatefriendships, and how you handle relationships. Because it will be incredibly lonely in 6 months and 1 week.
FWIW- I would do 1&2. Regroup with her in a month. Then take a small step back from the intensity of the friendship. I’d still have her as a BM, ignore her if she kicks off (don’t internalise it), and then decide if I want to let the friendship die after the wedding. Because kicking someone out a.) is a massive drama-causer b.) makes you look like a crazy control wedding meanie.
I'll agree I was seeing it through my own lense yesterday. I appreciate you telling me to take a look at it differently that maybe she has something going on in her life, I will ask her before I get into anything about how I feel when I'm ready to speak with her about it.
The hardest thing for me isn't even that hse yelled at me. It's that she yelled at me, kept apologizing and asking why I wasn't forgiving her. Then another BM I had told about it (no details, just brief overview of how she was yelling at me) of mine sent me screen shots of her completely bashing me behind my back. So you are just apologizing with me so i'm not mad at you? but you're not even sorry? Mutual friend just told her she didn't want to get in the middle of us.... BM CONTINUED to send her texts. I told her not to send me those, but great to know she sent who knows how many texts to her, and maybe other friends about me and the details of why she yelled at me.
Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. FWIW.. I did NOT bring up my wedding yesterday... it was simply something I worried about when I was replaying our friendship in my head, wondering if I made a massive mistake asking her.
The only reason I rushed to post in here and was considering "kicking her out" is because i don't want her to invest more time and money into the wedding festivities and then I decide down the road it's not going to work. I'll take some time to think... and go from there. I don't want to kick her out, I know that would reflect very poorly on me even if what she says during our talk is horrible and untrue, no one else will know that. I also find it hard to imagine ending my friendship with her for good, but is it for the right reasons? Or is it because of our mutual friendships.
Honestly a part of me hopes she steps down after we talk, and we can be civil about it all, but maybe i'll have a different feeling once I meet up with her and am honest with her and see what is going on and why she is acting so childish (but not say it that way).
2.) you are still gossiping with other people about this
Handle your business. Stop gossiping and speak to her! You don't have to forgive her, but you need to figure out what the F happened by being an adult and getting the facts.
Your posts go from zero to rage, to frustration, to defensiveness. I understand the pressure, but you are going to drive yourself batty with anxiety. Take a breath, figure out the situation by SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO THE PERSON, then make a decision.
I don't understand how you can decide one way or the other about this friendship without figuring out what exactly happened.