- Last Active
Fiance and I talked about our wedding day and he gave me 2 options (we are both 35, this is his 2nd marriage). Do you want a wedding or a honeymoon in Italy? I picked Italy because he knows how much I love travel and he and I both have never been to Italy. So we planned to have church wedding and after leave straight to airport. I have a HUGE family and they all live less than an hour from us. They found out our plans and said that was great! They would be at church...he said "whoa nobody is invited, we are not having a reception. It's just immediate family only. Our parents and siblings". We are getting married in the Catholic church and so we can't shut the doors to family that wants to see us marry, knowing there is no reception after. So he said, fine that's ok. As long as they know that. Well after my parents found out that our flight was at 9pm. They invited us to a "toast celebration" after 10:30am ceremony. They will be providing finger foods and want for us to be present to have a toast in our honor and wish us well on our trip. Everyone that attends church will be invited to this. They estimate about 100 people. My fiance was livid..he said that my parents were wrong to do that..and people will look at him that day and say he could not afford to do this for me. He has a ego problem and I hate it. He said he was "prideful that he was paying for all this, cash and we would be in no dept and how does my family not understand that?" I told them, they love me. I talk to my family on a daily basis..my cousins, we are all close and he knows that. He told me his first marriage he had zero to do with that, his ex wifes parents paid for it all, he just showed up that day. He took pride in that fact he was making me happy my doing what I wanted and paying for it. I told him, I'm HAPPY, EXCITED my parents are doing this small thing for us. His mom knows about it too and my mom is involving her and they are so happy. I guess it's him being a man. My friend told me that she can understand him. He had the day planned and now my parents are taking some of his credit. Which I am so beyond happy, grateful for all his hard work in making my dreams a reality. Catholic mass and my trip to Italy. I'm blessed!! I also understand my parents are so happy for us and want to do this toast celebration. His mom explains to him how pride my parents are and want to do this, he can't take that away from them. I am trying to figure out the right words, the right way to talk to my fiance and explain to him that my parents love not only me but him as well. He needs to get over it. He wants me to tell my parents to stop their plans but I can't. So he told me that I should have nothing to do with that planning, it's their party and we just show up after and not expect much. He will be thankful but he will be shocked and let everyone know that was not in our plans to have a party. He doesn't want people to think that he could not afford it. He gave me the option and I said trip..anything extra my parents did was a surprise. Not us planning it. If you read this all..thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure it will all work out, he will understand at some point.
I do agree that having 100 people come for your ceremony, then nothing after would seem odd. The reception is like thanking your guests for coming to the ceremony.
You both need to agree on what "family only" means and how many people will be allowed to the ceremony - and stick to it. If you both are going off doing your own things, of course it's going to lead to fights. You assume "family" means any family you are close to including cousins, aunts, etc. He assumes "family" means only parents and siblings. This should have been discussed between you two so that you both are on the same page - especially since you have a huge family living within an hour of you and you are close to them all. Didn't you write up a guest list together before inviting people? Also, I'm sure he is upset that he only invited his parents and siblings, but you invited 100 people from your family... so virtually all of the guests will be your family, not his. That's not fair. Will your mom be fine paying for 100 more guests if he decides to even it out and invite more of his family and friends? Or is she only okay with paying for YOUR family?
I am assuming when he asked you if you prefer a wedding or honeymoon he meant that you have enough money for either a small ceremony and lavish honeymoon OR a large wedding and no honeymoon. You chose the honeymoon. So he may feel you are now changing that... now you want a big wedding AND reception AND the honeymoon. If you can't imagine getting married without 100 of your family members present, then maybe you need to change plans for a big wedding and give up the honeymoon in Italy - which do you want more? You need to talk this out, get on the same page, then stick to the plan. Making changes without consulting him was rude. Saying he needs to just "get over it" is rude and that says his opinions don't matter. Even now when he asked you to tell your mom to stop her plans, you refused. You said your mom INVITED you to the celebration, you can DECLINE her invitation.
My guess is the issue isn't so much that your mom is paying for it (probably as her wedding gift to you), but the real issue for why he is mad is probably because he was excluded from the plans. Go back and re-read your sentence about his first marriage. He was upset that he has nothing to do with the planning. And now, you did the same thing: you and your mom planned a reception and you decided to up the number of guests to 100 people on your own - totally excluding him from the planning or even consulting with him. You both need to sit and talk/plan with your mom. In your post you say "making MY dreams a reality", the Catholic wedding you want, and "MY" trip to Italy (not OUR trip to Italy). But you don't seem to care about his wishes... small ceremony, no reception.
Maybe a compromise would be parents and siblings only at the ceremony, but do a live video for your other family members to watch? I have seen a couple weddings that have a Skype feed for those who can't make it. It can easily be set up with only a laptop with webcam. Then you can just go out for brunch with the parents & siblings in attendance.
Also, who invited your other family members? If you didn't, then it is very wrong for anyone else to invite people to your wedding, especially if only you two are paying for it. When your extended family contacted you saying "that would be great" and they will be at the church - what did you say? Did you tell them no because it is just parents/siblings only so you guys can take an awesome honeymoon?
Great suggestions here! The only thing I can think to add is that some of your guests may not take flowers home due to travel. So, you can check with a local hospital or nursing home. I have heard of brides delivering flowers to those afterward so they aren't thrown away right after.
I know you have reusable dishes, but in case someone is looking for disposable ideas, there are palm leaf plates which are disposable, biodegradable, made from fallen leaves, and compostable. No chemicals or waxes are used in the process, they are just pressed/formed into plates. They are really affordable. I was thinking of using those for our backyard wedding, but went another route. I'm still keeping them in mind for future backyard parties. I have heard they are super durable too. And I think they look rustic and amazing. There are a lot of companies that make these so you can Google them, but here's one link:
I agree with PP. I'd go with #2. Having 2 videographers and 2 photographers is nice to have throughout the entire event. Plus it's less expensive and you get an album. However, the two photographers you posted have different styles, so I guess it depends on which style you prefer especially since photography is big for you. Regarding the photo booth, if the dinner is starting right away at 6 pm, I would say you could wait on the photo booth until after dinner. If the dinner isn't starting until later, then maybe having the photo booth while people wait would be nice. Just my opinion. But I certainly wouldn't pay $1,000 just for an extra hour of photo booth.
Possibly adults only if there are a lot of kids in that count? Or maybe just immediate family and close friends only, so you can cut extended family and more distant friends. Also, as PPs said, only invite who you are close to. Of your fiance's large family, how often does he see them or how close to them is he? We have friends that run in the same circle too, but we aren't close to all of them, so we are only inviting the friends we are close to. Sure, some may be upset, but they will just have to understand. The only exception to this in my opinion is if you have been talking to them about your wedding and have given some sort of verbal invitation like "Of course, you are invited to our wedding!" then yes, you need to invite them. Divorced friends, again only invite who you are still friends with/close to. If you are still friends with both parties, invite them both.
Yes, I agree that it doesn't necessarily have to come in card form. If you are in person thanking them verbally face-to-face is fine or a phone call to thank someone is fine too. If I give a friend a birthday bottle of wine in person or I bring a gift to a baby shower in person and she thanks me in person, that's sufficient in my opinion. I don't feel she then also needs to follow it up with a card. But typically at weddings the couple is not handling the gifts... there is usually a friend/relative in charge of gathering the gifts. So the couple doesn't thank the guests in person who bring gifts to the wedding. Hence the need to send a thank you card (or I'd be fine with a phone call if they prefer to call the guests if they don't like sending cards). My kids wrote thank you cards as kids and sometimes they would request to call Grandma to thank her so then they can talk to her too. Of course I wouldn't say they also need to send her a card... they still thanked her. But no "thank you" of any sort (verbally, by phone, card, etc.) I think is rude.