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scribe95 said:Honestly, if you are going the luncheon route and people ask about gifts you say "it's just a gathering, not a shower. No gifts necessary."
divarhd said:FI two brothers who are in the wedding STILL have not gone to get fitted for their tux. The final choices for the guys was done in October and we're 38 days away from the wedding. The third brother already said don't expect his family to be there (recall, FMIL hates me and apparently so does said FBIL). I don't want to keep nagging FI but I'm wigging out now. If they wait around till the last possible day then say they're not coming, we're screwed. What would you do?
Honestly, if they're threatening not to come, assume they aren't coming and be pleasantly surprised if they do. And if they don't show up in the tux, they don't stand up in the wedding. I wouldn't make this more complicated than it has to be.
First issue is the time off with your co-workers. If there are any co-workers you're particularly close to, I would give them a verbal save the date in case they want to come. Then just send invitations like normal to the others and let them figure it out with their bosses.
Second issue is your shower. Three rules on that: 1) anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the main event, 2) someone else needs to offer to host it (not the couple), and 3) showers are for physical gifts.
If you aren't registering or having physical gifts, call it a "luncheon" and make no mention of gifts. Using the word "shower" = showering the couple with gifts. Literally that's what it means. So if you don't want gifts, don't use the word shower.
The job of an MOH is to stand immediately next to you while you say your vows. Maybe hold your bouquet and maybe sign the marriage license. If they are doing that, they're filling the role. Period.
Everything else is fluff and nice things.
If someone else is throwing your bachelorette at a certain time and they can't go, oh well. They're extremely busy people on shoe string budgets. Flying across the country to party with friends is kind of unrealistic. They may also not be able to afford the time or money to attend the shower either. That's ok. It has nothing to do with their "title" in your wedding. You picked them because you love them. And you know they'll be there on your wedding day. That's all that matters.
Yes, it is fine to only invite your cousin and not her mom.
"Hi Cousin - Hope all is well with you. Can you please send me your address?"
Worst case scenario, she asks questions and asks if her mom is invited. "As you know, Aunt Cruela and my mom haven't gotten along over the last several years. We thought it best if we just invited you." And disengage discussing about it. This is beef between your moms - not y'all. Y'all can still have a great relationship without taking on your moms' baggage.