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Just Engaged and Proposals

Broken Engagement

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I was supposed to get married in less than 6 months and now I learn that my fiancé and I can no longer be together. My fiancé has been out if town for a couple days now as his great aunt passed away. After the wake, my fiancé calls me to inform me that his uncle whom I've never met before, randomly brings me up in conversation and starts saying a bunch of racist things about me. He's Italian, and I'm biracial. My fiancé was shocked and got in an argument with him. Then the next day at the burial, several family members who I never met surrounded him and start bad talking me again. My fiancé refused to tell what exactly as he said he could never repeat it all to me as it was just too horrible. I find out that one of the people that didn't want us together is his father. I've been with my fiancé for almost two years and his father acted like he really liked me all this time. My fiancé said he was in disbelief as well. He spoke to his mother about and his mother said she was always fine with us being together but his father was never happy about it. When I thought it was his uncle and other people I never met before bad talking me, I was still hopeful that they wouldn't interfere with us getting married and lasting as he hardly ever sees them and we live in VA while they are all in NY. Now that I've learned that my fiancés father also has an issue with me, I really don't know how this could ever work out. My fiancé apologized many times and says he doesn't know what to do but does not want me to have to deal with such hatred for the rest of my life and I deserve better. I'm completely lost. I can't imagine my life without him. I bought my dress and everything. I've been counting down the days til the wedding. Now it looks like I have to walk away and try to move on. I've never felt so much hurt in my life. I can't believe how cruel and ignorant people can be in this day in age.
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Re: Broken Engagement

  • I agree with what other posters have said for the most part. However, I think you and he need to let him have time to cool down and then talk.
    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7ktjanesmomCLoGreenEyes
  • I think a funeral where emotions are high and tons of extended family are getting in your face is the worst place to be trying to make life decisions.
    If he truly wants to be with you and is mentally and emotionally ready for all that that involves, he will not allow his family to do this to your relationship. But this depends on his maturity and his deeper feelings about you.
    Maybe wait a few days and try talking it out. At this point, you really don't have anything to lose. But I am sorry they are putting you through this.
    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7melbelleupCLoGreenEyesPrettyGirlLost
  • Thank you all for your responses. I completely agree. I told him that it was ridiculous that he was making such a life decision based on his family's feelings toward me. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to be with me it he's unsure what to do. I totally agree that he just doesn't want to deal with the drama forever. I'm worried that even if he foes talk to his dad that later down the road he will give up again. At this point it is over. He is supposed to meet up with me tonight to return my keys and other stuff so not sure if I should have one last talk with him and see if he's willing to talk his dad. I already contacted my wedding coordinator to cancel our contract. Thankfully my dad only paid a small deposit for the caterer and my fiancé says he will reimburse me since his family caused this to end.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am sorry that you are going through this.

    But to be honest, it sounds like you dodged a bullet.  If your FI really wanted to be with you he wouldn't let the fact that his family has an issue with your race stop him.
    I agree with this completely. I'm very sorry you're going through this. 

  • I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like he is very quick to cut ties, so I'm glad you are going to try and talk to him one last time. There may be much more behind it.

    Not that my situation is the same, but the pps got it right. My ex-H's family was extremely rude to me, though for a reason other than race. I was aware of their feelings and it caused a great deal of stress for both of us. He would never stick up for me, even though he agreed they werew wrong. He claimed he couldn't risk losing them. I figured that would change when we got married, but I was wrong. It is one of the main reasons I divorced him. Shortly after our divorce was final, he asked me to meet him to try and work things out. I asked him if anything would change with his family and the dynamic. He said no. Had I been more mature and confident, I would have had the courage to end it before my marriage. So, unless he is 100% committed to you and standing by your side, I would be thankful that the engagement is broken before it's too late. However, I think in most cases, it won't change and you can be certain that you are making the right decision to walk.

     







    PrettyGirlLost
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I am confused.  His family started making racist, etc. comments about you when you weren't there, and then he just decided that he should end it with you?  WTH?  He should stand up for you and tell them to STFU because they are talking about his fiance.  He should be putting his future wife ahead of them and their ridiculous opinions.  But, since he didn't do any of that, maybe breaking off the engagement is for the best.
    image
    AprilH81CrazyCatLady3Knottie1432708529lizybeff
  • I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like he is very quick to cut ties, so I'm glad you are going to try and talk to him one last time. There may be much more behind it. Not that my situation is the same, but the pps got it right. My ex-H's family was extremely rude to me, though for a reason other than race. I was aware of their feelings and it caused a great deal of stress for both of us. He would never stick up for me, even though he agreed they werew wrong. He claimed he couldn't risk losing them. I figured that would change when we got married, but I was wrong. It is one of the main reasons I divorced him. Shortly after our divorce was final, he asked me to meet him to try and work things out. I asked him if anything would change with his family and the dynamic. He said no. Had I been more mature and confident, I would have had the courage to end it before my marriage. So, unless he is 100% committed to you and standing by your side, I would be thankful that the engagement is broken before it's too late. However, I think in most cases, it won't change and you can be certain that you are making the right decision to walk.

  • Well he kept saying he didn't know what to do and didn't really fight to try to resolve things so I just agreed that he was right and it was probably best to call of the wedding. I also didn't realize how serious everything was because he did not want to tell me that his father had things to say about me. He confessed to that this morning which made me realize it wasn't just extended family that he rarely sees. He also admitted his two younger brothers joined the conversation and started talking trash. Yes, I believe there is still more I do not know. My fiance insists he defended me and will always do so but I know he will not risk losing them. He is very close to his family and moving to VA for NY has been hard for him and his family. I was also hoping that once I was his wife and eventually the mother to his child/ren that he will put his family first, but as you said, that is not always the case. Now he says that he doesn't want to make any decision about our wedding yet and try to figure things out. He called his mother for advice (she likes me) and she offered to talk to the rest of the family if he wants but said she couldn't promise she would be able to change the way they act and feel. She informed him that it was ultimately his decision what he wanted to do.
  • doeydo said:
    I am confused.  His family started making racist, etc. comments about you when you weren't there, and then he just decided that he should end it with you?  WTH?  He should stand up for you and tell them to STFU because they are talking about his fiance.  He should be putting his future wife ahead of them and their ridiculous opinions.  But, since he didn't do any of that, maybe breaking off the engagement is for the best.

  • Yes, they bad talked to me at the funeral. Instead of telling me that we will work through it and he will be with me no matter what and not let his family influence his life, he simply said he did not know what to do. Because he wasn't fighting for our relationship as I would expect him to, I did tell him I was not going to compete with his family forever and that it may have to be over. Again I was expecting him to say I wouldn't have to compete, etc and when he didn't I got upset and agreed ending it might be the best thing to do. He claims he defended me when everyone said their piece. Exactly, future wife and mother of his child/ren. I told him if roles were reversed I would make whatever sacrifice I had to do for love. Yes are family and "blood is thicker than water" but if I'm going to be your wife than I'm your family too and I should come first. Especially when we have a family.
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    Yes, they bad talked to me at the funeral. Instead of telling me that we will work through it and he will be with me no matter what and not let his family influence his life, he simply said he did not know what to do. Because he wasn't fighting for our relationship as I would expect him to, I did tell him I was not going to compete with his family forever and that it may have to be over. Again I was expecting him to say I wouldn't have to compete, etc and when he didn't I got upset and agreed ending it might be the best thing to do. He claims he defended me when everyone said their piece. Exactly, future wife and mother of his child/ren. I told him if roles were reversed I would make whatever sacrifice I had to do for love. Yes are family and "blood is thicker than water" but if I'm going to be your wife than I'm your family too and I should come first. Especially when we have a family.
    I am so sorry this happened to you. Some of the posters here have given great advice and real world experiences that I think should definitely help you. Here is one more from my life:

    A brief story from the book of my mother:

     She was raised in a southern home with little money and a whole lot of love. One night she went on a blind date with a man going to the military college in her home town. He was a goofball but with a tremendous sense of right and wrong and willingness to serve his country.

    They dated often after that night and fell madly in love.

    Her suitor came from a 'well off' family from the north with their noses so far stuck up that it's a miracle a breath could be taken. His parents hated my mom for no valid rhyme or reason. They have never accepted her or been even as much as kind to her. She spent years combating this hatred and lack of acceptance.

    Her husband stood by her for every second of it. He defended her and they came to a state of ignoring it and just living their lives together. It was not easy but they got through it for over 40 years...

    Love and marriage means you stand together in the face of hatred and adversity as one. You stand strong and support each other.

    I fully believe you will find someone who will do that for you. I am so sorry your recent FI was not up to the task. *Keep your chin up.*

    Addition: You're absolutely right a wife IS family. The family he chose and wasn't born into loving and that should mean something more than racial opinions.



    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7CrazyCatLady3
  • Well, this is a terrible, painful situation, but it does sound like you dodged a bullet. In situations like these, the partner with the hateful family typically needs to cut ties, or at least put up clear, strong boundaries and hold to them. It doesn't sound like this guy is strong or mature enough to do that. It's too bad, but ending this will save you a lifetime of heartache. I'm so sorry you're in this position.
    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7doeydoCrazyCatLady3PrettyGirlLost
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm really sorry to hear this. I agree with other posters that you dodged a bullet. I understand that family is very important to some people, but a his future wife, you are the family that he CHOSE. And honestly if he lets his family sway his opinion like this, he is not much of a man in my opinion. What else is he going to let them [or others] influence him on? Unless he mans up and stands up to his family with you by his side, let him go. You will find someone much better that will be willing to go to the ends of the earth for you. Let him marry some Italian girl his family approves of, and let him be miserable for the rest of his life. I know that it is easier said than done, but honestly this is only the beginning. If he was so fickle about the situation now, even if he decides to go through with the marriage, he may not be strong enough to stand up to his family in the future. Again I'm really sorry and I do hope things work out one way or another.
                                 Anniversary
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    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto Maggie 100%. And virtual hugs to you, internet stranger! 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7
  • I am sorry you are going through all of this! I hope that things for you get better with time no matter where your relationship with FI (ex-FI?) may go!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7

  • aefitz29 said:
    Yes, they bad talked to me at the funeral. Instead of telling me that we will work through it and he will be with me no matter what and not let his family influence his life, he simply said he did not know what to do. Because he wasn't fighting for our relationship as I would expect him to, I did tell him I was not going to compete with his family forever and that it may have to be over. Again I was expecting him to say I wouldn't have to compete, etc and when he didn't I got upset and agreed ending it might be the best thing to do. He claims he defended me when everyone said their piece. Exactly, future wife and mother of his child/ren. I told him if roles were reversed I would make whatever sacrifice I had to do for love. Yes are family and "blood is thicker than water" but if I'm going to be your wife than I'm your family too and I should come first. Especially when we have a family.
    I am so sorry this happened to you. Some of the posters here have given great advice and real world experiences that I think should definitely help you. Here is one more from my life:

    A brief story from the book of my mother:

     She was raised in a southern home with little money and a whole lot of love. One night she went on a blind date with a man going to the military college in her home town. He was a goofball but with a tremendous sense of right and wrong and willingness to serve his country.

    They dated often after that night and fell madly in love.

    Her suitor came from a 'well off' family from the north with their noses so far stuck up that it's a miracle a breath could be taken. His parents hated my mom for no valid rhyme or reason. They have never accepted her or been even as much as kind to her. She spent years combating this hatred and lack of acceptance.

    Her husband stood by her for every second of it. He defended her and they came to a state of ignoring it and just living their lives together. It was not easy but they got through it for over 40 years...

    Love and marriage means you stand together in the face of hatred and adversity as one. You stand strong and support each other.

    I fully believe you will find someone who will do that for you. I am so sorry your recent FI was not up to the task. *Keep your chin up.*

    Addition: You're absolutely right a wife IS family. The family he chose and wasn't born into loving and that should mean something more than racial opinions.



  • Thank you for sharing that story with me. It really goes to show that when your have a strong bond, your love can help you overcome the biggest obstacles. I told my fiance that I believe his love for me isn't as deep as I thought or he may not actually ready for marriage but he disagreed with both statements. He kept insisting that he wants to be with me but doesn't know what to do about his family. He agrees that his wife should come first bust still won't cut ties with anyone. It appears it easier just to cut ties with me. I'm so devastated. I'm going to have to tell my parents the news this afternoon and that will be the minute where it all sinks in :(
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Take care of yourself, too, and right now if that means chocolate, wine, and a spa day, go for it.
    CLoGreenEyesCrazyCatLady3
  • I'm so sorry you're going threw this. Some people are just so cruel. Just relax and take care of yourself. Keep busy!
    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7
  • I'm so sorry this is happening to you... I personally feel your FI has more issues that go beyond his family. In a marriage it's about you two and only you two until you start a family... what others feel should have no effect on your pending marriage. it's like he's putting your familys feeling before your own and someone who really and truly loves you would never do that. I'm pretty sure emotions are running high for him. give it some time and talk to him. if his feelings havent changed them moved on and thank God for the lesson and huge bullet you just dodged... good luck with everything 
    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7
  • For the past couple days now my fiance was telling me that he doesn't want things to end and would meet with me to talk about working things out. We even said we would consider possibly postponing the wedding. He cancelled out meet up 3 times. Finally last night he was supposed to come and I ended up waiting for him at home until 2am. I called him and left him a voice message and texted him. He never got back to me. I text him telling him that I waited for him all night and if he doesn't want to be with me he needs to tell me and not lead me on. Finally after several hours an no responses, I tell him that he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married and that he was not the person I fell in love with and all I can do at this point is move on with my life. He doesn't reply. Finally this morning he tells me he got in a car accident last night and was at the hospital but was ok. He then tells me he will Fedex me some of my things he still has. He doesn't even have the decency to bring me my things in person. I flipped out on him for leading me on and getting my hope up and he tells me he really loved me and apologized for this being a "fucked up" world and this is not what he wanted.Before when he kept insisting that this was all about his family, I believe him because he seemed genuine and still wanted to work it out. Now that he's ignoring me and taking forever to text me back, I feel like there is another reason. I'm so depressed. I got a call saying my wedding dress was ready for pick up. I had my friend call for me and explain what happened and they said I still have to pay the remaining deposit because it was custom made for me. I just can't believe this is all happening. I feel like this pain will never go away.
  • edited November 2013
    I really think he's using this family thing as an excuse to get out of the wedding. Don't call him again, keep your dignity and move on. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly.
  • UPDATE: so the past couple days I had been in contact with my fiancé. I told my parents everything that had happened and although they were shocked and upset, they actually thought his fsmily could come around and pushed me to try to meet with him and work things out. I write him a long email and tell him about my conversation with my parents and asked him if he truly wanted to throw saw something good and live separate lives. If nit, I asked he meet with me to try to work things out. He replies sayings he out of town but would still like to see me. Told me he took a special assignment for work to get away from some things but would be back I. 4 days or so. I was calm and hopeful that he would meet with me and I would be able to reassure him I could tolerate his family. Well I happened to find an address online linked to his business he owns. This address was exactly where he used to live except it was a different apartment number. Didn't make any sense. Last night I decide to do a drive by and just as I'm giving up on finding the home, I spot the building. I park my car and walk over to see his supposedly former friend standing outside smoking. We were both shocked to see each other. This guy tells me he's visiting my fiancé and that he's upstairs with hid wife. I thought he was bullshitting me and he told me I could see for himself. Said my fiancé met a girl a couple months ago in Romania while they were on vacation and he ended up bringing her back and living in this apartment for about two months. My fiancé had told me he was keeping his things in storage since my condo is small and we were getting ready to move into a house he's about to close on. All lies. The front door was open and everything was decorated. Pictures hung in the wall and dinging area set up. His friend tells me he told my fiancé he had yo tell me the truth, but apparently he's a compulsive liar.. His friend calls him to come and and my fiancé says he's on the phone with his mother. Finally I ran insure and jet upstairs and see him standing there. He yells at me calling me a crazy stalker and to get out before he calls the police. I demanded him an explanation and he said he had nothing to say to me and that " we've been done." The girl he's with is standing behind him confused and scared. As I rush out he tells me to wait a second and tosses me my keys and tells me to stay away from his house. I just can't believe this happened. All my friends thought he might be cheating but I trusted him and didn't think it could be possible. Especially not with someone he hardly knows. I feel like such a fool for begging him when he clearly lied about his family bring racist. What kind if human being dies that?! I'm so devastated and angry at the same time.
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    Oh honey I don't even know you, but I am so very, very sorry. I'm not sure what is worse--that he cheated this way, or that he was willing to accuse his own family of racist attacks at a funeral, freak you out about a car accident, and lie about business trips to cover it up. That's low.
    All I can say to you right now is that he clearly does not deserve you. There are better men out there. I promise. Give yourself some time to recover and to grieve. I have been through a broken engagement before. Ten years later, it still hurts sometimes. But I am a much tougher, better woman now, despite that experience.
    Right now, you need to take extra care of yourself. The jerk cheated--it's time to see a doctor. After that, spend some time on a few things that will boost your self-confidence. Get your nails done or do mani-pedis at home. Get a haircut or color it. Spring for a brow wax. Buy new clothes. Hit the gym. Whatever is in your budget and helps you feel beautiful again. Your self worth is a precious thing, and he cannot take that away from you.

    KeptInStitchesknottie006b13b65bb8dba7CrazyCatLady3PrettyGirlLost
  • kitty8403 said:
    Oh honey I don't even know you, but I am so very, very sorry. I'm not sure what is worse--that he cheated this way, or that he was willing to accuse his own family of racist attacks at a funeral, freak you out about a car accident, and lie about business trips to cover it up. That's low. All I can say to you right now is that he clearly does not deserve you. There are better men out there. I promise. Give yourself some time to recover and to grieve. I have been through a broken engagement before. Ten years later, it still hurts sometimes. But I am a much tougher, better woman now, despite that experience. Right now, you need to take extra care of yourself. The jerk cheated--it's time to see a doctor. After that, spend some time on a few things that will boost your self-confidence. Get your nails done or do mani-pedis at home. Get a haircut or color it. Spring for a brow wax. Buy new clothes. Hit the gym. Whatever is in your budget and helps you feel beautiful again. Your self worth is a precious thing, and he cannot take that away from you.

  • Thank you so much for your kinds words. I'm grateful that this has happened now and that I did not get married to that jerk. I just hope he stays away from me and that I do not have to worry about my safety. My parents are very worried he's a dangerous person and might try to hurt me. I'm seeking counseling and hoping to get a new job that allows me to relocate so I can start me life over. I just hope it won't take me too long to to be able to trust again.
  • natswildnatswild The F-f-f-rozen N-n-north (Northern Alberta) member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I am so sorry that this happened to you, but it's good that you got this jerk out of your life now. Take time to recover, and take care of yourself, you deserve it!

    knottie006b13b65bb8dba7
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