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Just Engaged and Proposals
Broken Engagement
I'm absolutely heartbroken. I was supposed to get married in less than 6 months and now I learn that my fiancé and I can no longer be together. My fiancé has been out if town for a couple days now as his great aunt passed away. After the wake, my fiancé calls me to inform me that his uncle whom I've never met before, randomly brings me up in conversation and starts saying a bunch of racist things about me. He's Italian, and I'm biracial. My fiancé was shocked and got in an argument with him. Then the next day at the burial, several family members who I never met surrounded him and start bad talking me again. My fiancé refused to tell what exactly as he said he could never repeat it all to me as it was just too horrible. I find out that one of the people that didn't want us together is his father. I've been with my fiancé for almost two years and his father acted like he really liked me all this time. My fiancé said he was in disbelief as well. He spoke to his mother about and his mother said she was always fine with us being together but his father was never happy about it. When I thought it was his uncle and other people I never met before bad talking me, I was still hopeful that they wouldn't interfere with us getting married and lasting as he hardly ever sees them and we live in VA while they are all in NY. Now that I've learned that my fiancés father also has an issue with me, I really don't know how this could ever work out. My fiancé apologized many times and says he doesn't know what to do but does not want me to have to deal with such hatred for the rest of my life and I deserve better. I'm completely lost. I can't imagine my life without him. I bought my dress and everything. I've been counting down the days til the wedding. Now it looks like I have to walk away and try to move on. I've never felt so much hurt in my life. I can't believe how cruel and ignorant people can be in this day in age.
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Re: Broken Engagement
But I agree with Maggie. I think your FI's excuse of not wanting you to have to experience the hatred for the rest of your life is just an excuse. It was probably more because he doesn't want to have to deal with it for the rest of his life. And if that's the case, you did dodge a bullet and it's good you found out now instead of years down the line when difficult issues can arise in a marriage and he wouldn't be able to deal.
If he truly wants to be with you and is mentally and emotionally ready for all that that involves, he will not allow his family to do this to your relationship. But this depends on his maturity and his deeper feelings about you.
Maybe wait a few days and try talking it out. At this point, you really don't have anything to lose. But I am sorry they are putting you through this.
Not that my situation is the same, but the pps got it right. My ex-H's family was extremely rude to me, though for a reason other than race. I was aware of their feelings and it caused a great deal of stress for both of us. He would never stick up for me, even though he agreed they werew wrong. He claimed he couldn't risk losing them. I figured that would change when we got married, but I was wrong. It is one of the main reasons I divorced him. Shortly after our divorce was final, he asked me to meet him to try and work things out. I asked him if anything would change with his family and the dynamic. He said no. Had I been more mature and confident, I would have had the courage to end it before my marriage. So, unless he is 100% committed to you and standing by your side, I would be thankful that the engagement is broken before it's too late. However, I think in most cases, it won't change and you can be certain that you are making the right decision to walk.
A brief story from the book of my mother:
She was raised in a southern home with little money and a whole lot of love. One night she went on a blind date with a man going to the military college in her home town. He was a goofball but with a tremendous sense of right and wrong and willingness to serve his country.
They dated often after that night and fell madly in love.
Her suitor came from a 'well off' family from the north with their noses so far stuck up that it's a miracle a breath could be taken. His parents hated my mom for no valid rhyme or reason. They have never accepted her or been even as much as kind to her. She spent years combating this hatred and lack of acceptance.
Her husband stood by her for every second of it. He defended her and they came to a state of ignoring it and just living their lives together. It was not easy but they got through it for over 40 years...
Love and marriage means you stand together in the face of hatred and adversity as one. You stand strong and support each other.
I fully believe you will find someone who will do that for you. I am so sorry your recent FI was not up to the task. *Keep your chin up.*
Addition: You're absolutely right a wife IS family. The family he chose and wasn't born into loving and that should mean something more than racial opinions.
All I can say to you right now is that he clearly does not deserve you. There are better men out there. I promise. Give yourself some time to recover and to grieve. I have been through a broken engagement before. Ten years later, it still hurts sometimes. But I am a much tougher, better woman now, despite that experience.
Right now, you need to take extra care of yourself. The jerk cheated--it's time to see a doctor. After that, spend some time on a few things that will boost your self-confidence. Get your nails done or do mani-pedis at home. Get a haircut or color it. Spring for a brow wax. Buy new clothes. Hit the gym. Whatever is in your budget and helps you feel beautiful again. Your self worth is a precious thing, and he cannot take that away from you.