Not engaged but constantly throwing hints

500days · February 2014

Steps to take:

1. Stop throwing hints

2. Stop worrying about other people's relationships

3. Stop comparing your relationship

4. Stop being BSC (bat shit crazy), stop and smell the roses.

5. Start focusing and enjoying your relationship

6. Start communicating with your BF

7. Start focusing on how to better your relationship, so that you are both happy now.

CLoGreenEyes · February 2014

Stop talking about it. Live your life. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Seriously, just take a deep breath. Two years is a perfectly fine period of time to be dating without being engaged; each couple grows at its own pace, and each couple has different things going on that make their timeline unique. Don't worry about what his family members do; work on you guys and enjoy that. There is no law that says you have to be engaged in a certain period of time to validate your relationship. Try to keep that in mind and not let the thought of rings and weddings make you envious of anyone else.

Tell us a little about yourself! How old are you and your BF? Are y'all in school, working, etc.? How did you meet?

KeptInStitches · February 2014

Remind yourself their relationship doesn't have any bearing on your relationship. Have a frank talk about timelines with your BF. In the meantime, consider throwing yourself into a hobby as well, something that requires a lot of concentration (knitting is good - work with your hands).

Welcome! What's your favorite dessert?

bethsmiles · February 2014

Every relationship moves at a difference pace. Your Bf's family member getting engaged effects your relationship effects you in zero ways.

Dropping hints is a silly way to communicate about marriage in a relationship. Have an adult conversation with your BF about where you see your relationship going, what you want to accomplish before getting engaged/married, when you'd like to get married. Make sure you are both on the same page.

phira · February 2014

Relationships aren't a competition. No one "wins" by getting married first.

Relax and remember that you like your relationship.

Dignity100 · February 2014

Personal Experience: I've been with my FI longer than my brother and his wife. They got engaged after 6 months of dating and married 6 months after being engaged. Sometimes my bro and his wife act like they're 'wiser' with relationships and such because they've been married for a few years and FI and I are 'just engaged'. It has no impact on my relationship with FI -- with my bro I just think he's being a turd (but I have those thoughts on him quite often, afterall he's my brother ;-) ).

Just enjoy your relationship with your BF. Don't compare your relationship to others - no 2 relationships are identical.

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

Stop hinting. He'll propose when and if he wants to. And you want him to propose because he wants to, not because he feels pressured into it by your constant hinting. Don't rush him.

Stop comparing your relationship. That is a toxic habit to get into. Every couple is different, and feeling upset because someone else got engaged faster than you does absolutely nothing productive.

minskat30 · February 2014

What everyone else said above. Try to focus your energy on your relationship as it is now. Why don't you fill out our little getting to know you questions....sorry for the odd spacing.

Screen Name:
Age:
Significant Other's Age:
What You Do:
What SO Does:
State of Relationship:
How Long You've Been Together:
How You Met:
Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married):
Real Babies:
Fur Babies:
Loves:
Hates:
Pet Peeves:
Hobbies/Activities:
Favorite Thing About Your SO:
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO:
Describe Your Personality:
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]):
I've Been On TK Since:
How You Came to Be On TK:

How I like my potatoes:

Favorite book/author:

Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself:

suzie211 · February 2014

Patience pants. Invest in some.

ShallowSeas · February 2014

Stop throwing hints. You don't want him to feel pressured and obligated to propose. Let him him do it on his own time, in his own way.

aja0813 · February 2014

Thank you all so much for your responses.. I hear this a lot from my family members etc.

Its not that I pressure him or anything, because we have talked about it ALL the time and we know we want to be together! I just think the fact that they got engaged before us (they were formerly roommates so I would constantly see girls in and out of the house and I just never took him seriously)... then proposing after 3 months just was a HUGE SHOCK....

I love my relationship and am so happy its just a sensitive subject to me for some reason knowing they will be married before us.. it all just boggles my mind!

buddysmom80 · February 2014

It's fine if you're on the same page in regards to your future, but you don't have to spend all your time talking about it. FI and I talked about it once, and then it just kind of moved from there.

Relationships are a marathon, not a race. My friend and her now-H started dating around the same time FI and I did. They would break up, get back together, etc and FI and I never had those types of issues. She got engaged and married for me and it didn't bother me. Guess what? MILLIONS of people are going to get engaged before you. Relationships aren't cookie-cutter, everyone moves at their own pace and every relationship is different.

Enjoy the relationship you have now, because once you're engaged, it does change. And it changes after you're married too. The best time of my life was the six months before FI and I got engaged, I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world.

ShallowSeas · February 2014

@aja0813 I can somewhat understand it being a sensitive subject for you. My little sister's BF proposed to her after dating for 4 months and they were planning on getting married 5 months later. While I was engaged (to my now ex) we had no plans of getting married any time soon because he didnt like to talk about marriage (probably should've been a red flag) even though we had been together for 9 years. I wasn't jealous of my sister, but it was kind of like...'why isn't this me?' I ignored those feelings as best I could though because I didn't want to pressure him into planning a wedding. A couple days after my sister's wedding, he decided he wanted to set a date and start planning. Maybe watching them go through the wedding planning process or going to their wedding will put the idea into your BF's head.

Dignity100 · February 2014

@aja0813 sounds like you're still comparing your relationship to theirs.

I had a college professor that on the first day he was giving his intro and it came out that he went on 1 date (blind date too) with his wife to a bowling alley. They decided on this one date they wanted to get married - and a month later they were married. He said they'd been together for I don't know how long but he also said that their story is one in a million and it doesn't usually work that way and he highly didn't recommend it just because it worked for them.

blabla89 · February 2014

I kind of understand how you feel. When BF and I had talked about marriage for a while and he gave no signs of actually moving toward engagement in the foreseeable future, I was annoyed. I felt like getting engaged (read: buying a ring) wasn't a priority for him, and that was a shitty feeling. But when the time was right for him (shortly after I quit being bsc), he started a conversation about ring styles and timelines and whatnot.

Meanwhile his sister got married. Her marriage was hasty and honestly I don't think it will last,but I did feel a bit left behind because her wedding was all their family ever talked about for a year leading up to it. Now she's pregnant and will make sure that she and her kid are the center of attention through every step of our wedding. Occasionally I catch myself thinking how much better it would be if BF and I had been the first to get married. Sorry to vent on your thread - but I get how you feel.

PP's have pretty much covered the important things - enjoy your relationship as it is right now, don't compare because it will drive you crazy, take up a hobby to keep your mind occupied with something else.

ETA: Welcome to NEY!

aja0813 · February 2014

@lalalaurita - totally get ya! I guess im used to being the "center of attention" in a good way and i don't want their engagement to be the focal point because I have a feeling the engagement will happen this year (according to our plan) but i refuse to share this moment with anyone lol

sounds terrible but thats just how i feel!

buddysmom80 · February 2014

You want to be the center of attention for your engagement? And that's the reason you want to rush your engagement?

Slow your roll, seriously. Like I said in my PP, enjoy your time with your BF, you'll never get a chance to again because once you're engaged and planning a wedding, it's a stress on your relationship.

Ollie08 · February 2014

I was going to agree with @lalalaurita about how it's ok to be a little bummed, but not let it ruin your relationship. And then you responded and it really didn't help your case at all.

You will be a whole lot happier in life if you stop comparing yourself to others. Their relationship does not affect yours in any way. You've already had the time to be bummed about it, now get over it and focus on yourself and your own relationship.

blabla89 · February 2014

That's not a good way to feel. It's one thing to want to be married to your SO as soon as possible, it's another thing to want a wedding as soon as possible. You get to be the center of attention on your day, and then after that you have a lot of years ahead and it won't always be about you.

ETA: BF's sister got married because she wanted a wedding. They're back from the honeymoon and reality is setting in quickly. This is why rushing things is not a good idea.

Swazzle · February 2014

Emmy1493 · February 2014

Hey- I can completely relate. I was with FI for 4 years by the time a lot of girls I knew were getting engaged very quickly. (Mind you I am 20.) It does sting, but I tried not to get hung up over it, and realize that I should just enjoy our time w/out wedding planning stress. Even though we did talk a lot about it/look at rings/etc. I knew it had to be his choice ultimately when he did it. Were young-there wasn't really a rush or anything.

Your FI will know when it is the right time. Have faith in that. He will do it when and if he is ready, without your help/hinting. For now, just enjoy you two together and have fun.

Salemandr · February 2014

I totally can understand your frustration. I just got engaged after 7 years, so I have been in your shoes, for much longer. It can be frustrating when people who have been together a much shorter time engaged before you. However, some of those people have also already gotten divorce. If you feel like your relationship is heading in the direction you are hoping then I wouldn't worry about it. Plus, for my patience I got a bigger ring (although I honestly would have been happy with anything).

Emmy1493 · February 2014

loves2shop4shoes · February 2014

It's not a race to the altar.

Relationships each have their own trajectories and time lines, and those trajectories and timelines are often based upon the couple's individual maturity, religious beliefs, cultural norms, family expectations, age, financial considerations, and stages of career, to name a few factors.

So stop comparing your relationship to someone else's. Someone else getting engaged has nothing to do with you, or your relationship. Don't make it about you.

If you feel the need to make it about you, that probably indicates that you're insecure about your own relationship, its trajectory, or its timeline. If that is the case, address those concerns and insecurities with your BF. Not in a "So and so got engaged, why can't we be engaged" way, but in a "I want to make sure we're on the same page. We need to make sure we agree on the plan for our future" way.

So stop being jealous. Green is not a very flattering color on most people.

GoldenPenguin · February 2014

britney spears shielded from bad album reviews

You really don't want ANYONE ELSE to get engaged this year so you don't have to share the moment?

Grow the fuck up.

bethsmiles · February 2014

This is incredibly selfish and immature. Are you sure you're mature enough for marriage? How old are you?

delujm0 · February 2014

We had been dating a little over 8 years when we got engaged at 30 years old. I'm not lying when i tell you we went to literally DOZENS of weddings for people that had been together for less time than we had. DOZENS.

You just have to stop comparing yourselves to other people and go at your own pace. Also, keep in mind that the longer you're together before you get engaged, the more likely you are to have solid careers at that point, and the more time he has had to save up for a nice ring. ;-)

eilis1228 · February 2014

It's hard not to get caught up in everything, especially when you see people in your family getting engaged. Every relationship is different though. Just because someone gets engaged before you doesn't mean your boyfriend loves you less or that the other couple loves each other more or better. Marriage is a huge decision, and maybe it will be for the best that your boyfriend is waiting a bit longer before popping the question. Maybe he's getting finances in order, maybe he's shopping for the perfect ring, maybe he's planning a big proposal... who knows? Either way, you definitely need to let him do it in his own time. I'm sure he feels pressure from his family to propose, especially after his family member got engaged so quickly. He probably feels pressure from you and your mutual friends as well. Try and communicate your feelings with him... let him know that you are excited and can't wait to spend your life with him, and sometimes seeing other people take that step before you makes you a little impatient. But let him know that overall you are more than happy to wait because what's a lifetime compared to 2 years?

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now, and we've discussed marriage quite a bit. No ring yet, but we've actually got a venue and a date picked. We have to pay for this ourselves, so we wanted to go ahead and budget/save, and when we found the venue last summer, we figured we might as well put a deposit down (not many people know we've got a date and a venue picked out though. Keeping that quiet). We've got friends and family (and even people we hardly know) pressuring him to propose, and sometimes I put pressure on him too inadvertently. It's hard not to get a little jealous/impatient when you see people close to you getting to experience all the excitement that comes with a proposal and subsequent wedding planning, but ultimately you have to realize that your day will come too, and it will be just as amazing then as it would be now. I mean, honestly, what's the rush? In the long run, you'll be married much longer than you dated, so waiting a little longer for your boyfriend to propose in his own time and way will be well worth it. I know my boyfriend will propose sometime in 2014. Whenever we talk about rings or anything, I tell him that I don't care when or where or how he does it--all I care about is that I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.

Also, don't be jealous of "sharing the spotlight" with anyone! Don't you want them to be happy for you when you get engaged? Hell, if you and your boyfriend get engaged within the next few months, you can help each other plan weddings... because it's stressful and everyone you meet will have an opinion. Instead of being jealous, think of it as an opportunity to have a friend you can turn to while planning your own wedding and dealing with the stress that comes with it. She'll be someone who will understand offer relevant, helpful advice.

poegirlsmores · February 2014

I'm pretty new here too. I'm really just here to commiserate with you.. I'm in the exact same spot.

My best friend got engaged at 18 after dating the guy for 3 months (something I don't recommend for anyone). Meanwhile I'd been with my boyfriend for over a year, and while we'd been talking about moving in together, we hadn't brought up marriage. This all happened a while ago, by the way. Now we're both 20. She is married, and pregnant, and while I'm extremely happy for her, it leaves you with a lot of questions. What does she offer that I don't? Etc. Why was he so willing and my boyfriend is taking it slow? Is there something wrong with me? (The answers to these, at least in my case are: Nothing, reason, and not at all). But knowing that consciously doesn't make you feel much better about it.

I also want to point out that, even though it's true that different relationships move at their own rate, that has never made me feel better either. That just leaves you with, "Then what's wrong with my relationship if it's taking longer than other people's?" What has seriously helped me though, is knowing that my boyfriend will propose when he thinks it is a good idea. And I honestly don't want him to propose a day before he feels ready.

However, if you think marriage is realistic for you two at this time (have the financial stability, etc) then you are allowed to be part of the decision. There are two people in a couple, not just the man. You can bring it up in a mature conversation and discuss your ideal timelines. You're allowed to say what is on your mind and what you want out of the relationship. You can ask him to consider it. Just keep in mind that you cannot pressure him into something he doesn't want to do, or doesn't feel ready for.

beanbot2002 · February 2014

Oh. For. Fucks. Sake. You sound like an entitled little brat.

BUT WAHHHH! Why should ANYONE ANYWHERE get it before me?!?!? WAH WAH WAH!

Knock it the fuck off.

Not engaged but constantly throwing hints

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