Personal Attendant?

JellyBean52513

A lot of what @flantastic just said is really accurate. The problems with asking people for help on/for your wedding day stem from the idea that you deserve their help because you're getting married. Having a wedding of any style, made up of any type of elements/decor/details, is your choice and if you want those things to happen, you are the one responsible for making it happen. If you want to DIY escort cards and bouquets, you undertake the task yourself without the expectation that others will definitely help you. If you DO ask others for help, there's two ways to go about it:

1. "So I'm doing DIY escort cards and bouquets, and I really need some help. Do you think you could come over some time this week and help me make them? I'll have wine and pizza for us!" This is a request. You're asking me to do something for you, and the bribe of wine and pizza indicates that even you realize I should be compensated for donating my time and services to help you. 

2. "I'm doing DIY escort cards and bouquets some time this week, you're more than welcome to come over and help if you want. I'll have wine and pizza!" This is an offer. You've already said that YOU will be doing these tasks, whether or not I stop by to help. You're accepting responsibility for the choice you made to have DIY elements to your wedding. I would probably feel much more inclined to help you if you ask me in this way.

After the wedding is over, that ONE DAY of your life that you invested so much time and effort into will be over forever. The relationships you have with the people you involved in the wedding WILL continue, however, and they may be different based on how you treated people in the process. 

I'll never forget when I heard my boss telling someone at work that she chose her bridal party based on who she knew would be "on top of their shit and make sure everything ran smoothly." She didn't even allow one of her bridesmaids to bring her boyfriend. THIS is the very attitude we are taking about on this board as to why it's wrong to make your friends think you are honoring them when really, you're essentially hiring them for free to make your life easier. You may be the bride, but you're not the queen and you're only a bride for 24 hours. You still have to be friends with these people for a lifetime.

Marzipan13

itsrandiyo said: And I don't know why being a BM is such an honor in comparison, they're helping with just as much if not more with the wedding. 
-------------------------------etf: boxes------------------------------------------------------------------ BMs / GMs / Best Man / MOH's roles are not to plan parties and do shit for you.  Their roles are (ONLY are) to stand beside you & your FI to support you as you get married.  That's it.  If they choose to do things for you, that's their own decision and totally superfluous.  BMs / GMs / Best Man / MOH ought to be asked to be in these roles because you love them and genuinely value their support on your wedding day. 

southernbelle0915

itsrandiyo said:

And I don't know why being a BM is such an honor in comparison, they're helping with just as much if not more with the wedding. 

They shouldn't be?

ashleyep

Oh JFC. You are allowed to ask you friends for help. They aren't obligated to do anything for you. And it is not an honor to them if they do.

This is asinine. No I don't think I *deserve* or am *owed* their help. But you can certainly ask. If a friend was hosting a party for her kid and has a ton of stuff to do, she can ask me to pick up the cake. If a friend can't drive, she can ask me to run an errand. I have no obligation to do either, but as friends, there's nothing wrong with asking. I probably wouldn't do it if the person hadn't offered their help if I needed it, but it doesn't mean you're entitled bride if you reach out for help.

And for the record, I haven't asked for anyone's help with any of my projects. But saying "hey if you're free one night next week, I could use some help gluing meal selection stickers to escort cards" does not make you a bad person or a bad friend. It doesn't mean you think you deserve or expect your friends to drop everything and help you. But if you ask for that, after you've asked them for help with a ton of other DIY project, you're out of line and getting into bridezilla status.

Just don't treat the favor your friends are doing for you as some kind of honor. And don't treat them as slaves on your wedding day. One favor, sure. I'll guard your gift table for 20 minutes if it's in a public place. But don't ask me to hand out programs too or dump a ton of other jobs on me as well.

iloveotters2014

itsrandiyo said:

I don't think I'm taking my wedding nearly as serious as most of you do. It's certainly an important day to me, but its not the event of the year and I don't expect people to think that. But if you do, good for you and there is nothing wrong with that. But my friends are my friends, we hang out, we talk about their relationships, their problems, work, etc. I do not go on relentlacy about my wedding and assuming that is the case when you ask your friends to help you with certain tasks on your wedding day is a little much.

**SIB**

I would not say that either. My wedding already happened. I'm looking back on things and even though you think a lot of things run smoothly and just happen....they don't. Weddings take a lot of work on the day of especially to coordinate and make sure your shit gets done and runs smoothly. I cant tell you there were a lot of little things I forgot on the day of and thankfully i had a person there who handled and made sure it all worked out. I am not a professional when it comes to weddings...neither is your family or your friends. They may think they know what to do in every situation, but they don't.

Example - I totally forgot plates for cocktail hour. (my wedding was super DIY)....my DOC went to my MIL and told her and my FIL went out and purchased some from costco a couple of hours before the wedding.

That was a pretty minor thing honestly, but if I just had a family friend setting up they probably wouldnt have thought anything of it and everyone would have been eating with napkins at cocktail hour. which would have been no fun with the food we had.

JCbride2015

Butterflyz419 said:

"But performing free labor that the couple really should hire somebody to do, like monitoring vendors, shepherding the timeline along, and fetching things throughout the night? No, sorry, that's not an honor to me. It says either I didn't make the cut to be a BM, and/or that you don't want to pay for coordinator services." So you've never helped a friend move? I have. Multiple times. And I didn't spend my whole Saturday thinking "why didn't you just pay someone to do this? Do I look like a professional mover to you?" It wasn't fun, it's exhausting and sometimes results in a swollen ankle like the one I got a few weeks ago helping one of my BM's move a recliner up a flight of stairs. And no it wasn't "an honor" but it was an act of love and done with a happy heart. If there were a program for moving, you can put me down as car packing specialist or furniture relocation assistant, thank you very much. Love is service. The way a lot of the people here talk you wouldn't think that they love their friends let alone weddings at all. Oh the horror, holiday weekend weddings, the horror, there's a slideshow, the horror, I got asked to do something other than show up! Doesn't my friend know how busy and important I am? How dare she ask for my help with her stupid cheesy craft project. Doesn't she know that a good friend never ever asks for help or a favor or to do anything for her? You'll know we're such good friends by how we do nothing for each other and only pay professionals when we can't do something on our own.---That's a very sad life to me to have such a low opinion of the love involved in friendship. Friends ask friends for help when they need it. If you can't or won't do something, it's okay to say no, but don't turn up your nose at the person who asks. They've committed no offense.

Wait, did you just home in on the one thing I said that you didn't like and ignore all the other stuff about how I've helped friends countless times?  Of course I've helped friends move.  Friends have helped me move.  You know how that came about?  WE OFFERED.  I would never call up a friend and say, "I'm moving and I really need some help, can you clear your entire Saturday?  I'll call you my Moving Fairy, it's such an honor because you're special to me!"

See the difference?  If a friend needs help, and I happen to be free, I'm more than glad to help.  If it's a life tragedy, illness, etc. I will move my whole schedule around to be with you.  But performing asinine little tasks on your wedding day, like guarding a guestbook, is not something that a) even really needs to be done, and b) should be done by a friend at all, and c) is definitely NOT AN HONOR.  

If you need help, fine.  But the "personal attendant" title sounds more like a servant than a friend.  And it's definitely not an honor.  Just say thank you, give a little thank-you gift and card, and try to let that friend enjoy the wedding as much as possible.

It's a much greater honor to just be a guest and have a great time at the wedding.  No need to give silly titles for every friend who almost made the BM cut.

itsrandiyo said:

And I don't know why being a BM is such an honor in comparison, they're helping with just as much if not more with the wedding. 

Um.... no.  BMs are not there to be your labor either.  Some BMs love wedding stuff and will offer to help, which is great.  But if your BMs don't offer, please do not bombard them with requests to help with wedding tasks.  That's for you, Fi, and anybody you hire to help you.

BMs are not wedding planners.  Neither is your MOH.

AddieCake

Whenever someone helps me move, I pay them in pizza and beer.

tammym1001

I hired a DOC to do all these things for me. I didn't want my guests to do any "work" on my wedding day. I had a couple of friends who were offended that I hired someone instead of "honoring" them with the title of "ladies in waiting" (I'm assuming that would be the same thing as a personal attendant). I felt bad that I had hurt their feelings. They were seriously expecting me to ask them to do this. I wouldn't have changed my mind even if I had known before I hired someone, but there are people out there who think this is an honor. 

itsrandiyo

Maybe honor wasn't the word, lets stop argueing about that, goodness. But to me it is important he is part of my big day because he is such a close friend. Also, I haven't asked anyone to do anything as of yet because I don't like to ask and would perfer to do myself. But, on the day before my BMs will be helping set up because they offered and I see nothing wrong with that; I appreciate it and they know it.On that note, there will be others helping from the venue, my family, and FH.  

itsrandiyo

and to be honest, I will probably be handing out the money for the last payment, if their due that day, myself. Because I do not see the need to hire somebody to do that, I'm not some sort of queen that day, sure its our day and we should relax but I will not sit on my butt and pay for something so easy for me to do myself.

ashleyep

itsrandiyo said:

Maybe honor wasn't the word, lets stop argueing about that, goodness. But to me it is important he is part of my big day because he is such a close friend. Also, I haven't asked anyone to do anything as of yet because I don't like to ask and would perfer to do myself. But, on the day before my BMs will be helping set up because they offered and I see nothing wrong with that; I appreciate it and they know it.On that note, there will be others helping from the venue, my family, and FH.  

itsrandiyo said:

and to be honest, I will probably be handing out the money for the last payment, if their due that day, myself. Because I do not see the need to hire somebody to do that, I'm not some sort of queen that day, sure its our day and we should relax but I will not sit on my butt and pay for something so easy for me to do myself.

All we're saying is that giving someone a list of chores isn't a very good way of including them in your big day. Not that you need to hire anyone to do any of that stuff. I'm not hiring anyone to hand out checks. I'm not hiring anyone to do any of those tasks because they don't need to be done.

 Give your friend a boutonniere if you want to make him feel special. Let him get ready with you, invite him to the rehearsal dinner. Recognize him in your program for ... something. But being given those tasks is not a way to make someone feel special. He might do them, he's a close friend, but it's not a special task or a way to make him feel included.

And as for the rest, threads tend to get derailed into arguments and discussions that are only tangentially related to what the OP posted. It's not necessarily directed at you, it's just the way the discussion carries on.

JoanE2012

itsrandiyo said:

Maybe honor wasn't the word, lets stop argueing about that, goodness. But to me it is important he is part of my big day because he is such a close friend. Also, I haven't asked anyone to do anything as of yet because I don't like to ask and would perfer to do myself. But, on the day before my BMs will be helping set up because they offered and I see nothing wrong with that; I appreciate it and they know it.On that note, there will be others helping from the venue, my family, and FH.  

 

 

**SITB - If he's that important to you and you wanted him to be a part of your day, why didn't you include him as a bridesman?  Or man of honor?  Or even a reader?

itsrandiyo

ashleyep said:

itsrandiyo said:

Maybe honor wasn't the word, lets stop argueing about that, goodness. But to me it is important he is part of my big day because he is such a close friend. Also, I haven't asked anyone to do anything as of yet because I don't like to ask and would perfer to do myself. But, on the day before my BMs will be helping set up because they offered and I see nothing wrong with that; I appreciate it and they know it.On that note, there will be others helping from the venue, my family, and FH.  

itsrandiyo said:

and to be honest, I will probably be handing out the money for the last payment, if their due that day, myself. Because I do not see the need to hire somebody to do that, I'm not some sort of queen that day, sure its our day and we should relax but I will not sit on my butt and pay for something so easy for me to do myself.

All we're saying is that giving someone a list of chores isn't a very good way of including them in your big day. Not that you need to hire anyone to do any of that stuff. I'm not hiring anyone to hand out checks. I'm not hiring anyone to do any of those tasks because they don't need to be done.

 Give your friend a boutonniere if you want to make him feel special. Let him get ready with you, invite him to the rehearsal dinner. Recognize him in your program for ... something. But being given those tasks is not a way to make someone feel special. He might do them, he's a close friend, but it's not a special task or a way to make him feel included.

And as for the rest, threads tend to get derailed into arguments and discussions that are only tangentially related to what the OP posted. It's not necessarily directed at you, it's just the way the discussion carries on.

The above bolded was my only question, how to put him in the program. 

JoanE2012 said:

itsrandiyo said:

Maybe honor wasn't the word, lets stop argueing about that, goodness. But to me it is important he is part of my big day because he is such a close friend. Also, I haven't asked anyone to do anything as of yet because I don't like to ask and would perfer to do myself. But, on the day before my BMs will be helping set up because they offered and I see nothing wrong with that; I appreciate it and they know it.On that note, there will be others helping from the venue, my family, and FH.  

 

 

**SITB - If he's that important to you and you wanted him to be a part of your day, why didn't you include him as a bridesman?  Or man of honor?  Or even a reader?

We honestly, do not have room for another groomsman or bridesmaid, we already have 5 on each side and I almost think thats too many already. 

JCbride2015

Sounds like if you are so close, he could have been a BMan.  But since that ship has sailed, a boutonniere and a thank-you note in the program are nice ways to honor him for all the help he has offered.

It's great that your friends and BMs have offered so much help!  Please just make sure you don't ask them for anything additional, because they'd probably feel obligated and too nice to say no.  Be very thankful.  Sounds like you have great friends!

PrettyGirlLost

itsrandiyo said:

ashleyep said:

itsrandiyo said:

Maybe honor wasn't the word, lets stop argueing about that, goodness. But to me it is important he is part of my big day because he is such a close friend. Also, I haven't asked anyone to do anything as of yet because I don't like to ask and would perfer to do myself. But, on the day before my BMs will be helping set up because they offered and I see nothing wrong with that; I appreciate it and they know it.On that note, there will be others helping from the venue, my family, and FH.  

itsrandiyo said:

and to be honest, I will probably be handing out the money for the last payment, if their due that day, myself. Because I do not see the need to hire somebody to do that, I'm not some sort of queen that day, sure its our day and we should relax but I will not sit on my butt and pay for something so easy for me to do myself.

All we're saying is that giving someone a list of chores isn't a very good way of including them in your big day. Not that you need to hire anyone to do any of that stuff. I'm not hiring anyone to hand out checks. I'm not hiring anyone to do any of those tasks because they don't need to be done.

 Give your friend a boutonniere if you want to make him feel special. Let him get ready with you, invite him to the rehearsal dinner. Recognize him in your program for ... something. But being given those tasks is not a way to make someone feel special. He might do them, he's a close friend, but it's not a special task or a way to make him feel included.

And as for the rest, threads tend to get derailed into arguments and discussions that are only tangentially related to what the OP posted. It's not necessarily directed at you, it's just the way the discussion carries on.

The above bolded was my only question, how to put him in the program. 

JoanE2012 said:

itsrandiyo said:

Maybe honor wasn't the word, lets stop argueing about that, goodness. But to me it is important he is part of my big day because he is such a close friend. Also, I haven't asked anyone to do anything as of yet because I don't like to ask and would perfer to do myself. But, on the day before my BMs will be helping set up because they offered and I see nothing wrong with that; I appreciate it and they know it.On that note, there will be others helping from the venue, my family, and FH.  

 

 

**SITB - If he's that important to you and you wanted him to be a part of your day, why didn't you include him as a bridesman?  Or man of honor?  Or even a reader?

We honestly, do not have room for another groomsman or bridesmaid, we already have 5 on each side and I almost think thats too many already. 

Ugh, I knew it.

1. You don't need to have even sides.  That's so 1980's.
2. a Wedding party of 11 is not too many if you have 11 people that you relaly love and want to stand up with you.

Kauris

Racheldh83 said:

Just because you haven't heard of it you think it's made up? Interesting.

\And just because it's commonly done where you are and by your friends/family doesn't make it an "honor" nor does it make it okay.

I'm one of the people that has a terrible story about being a PA. IT FUCKING SUCKED. I LOVE my friend and would never tell her, but I HATED it. I was exhausted, I didn't have fun and I didn't get any benefit from it. She is now my MOH, but I would never put her to work on my wedding day. I've hired enough competent vendors to deal with anything and everything. And if they don't and something goes wrong, my friends and family will still not be laborers for our wedding.

pegasuskat

My sister (in MI) had a friend do all of these things, and she called him Master of Ceremony.  He was listed in the program, had a flower, invited to RD, all of those things. She got him a large gift card also for a thank you. Edit -he kept offering/doing all these things, she didn't ask.  He just really wanted to help and she wanted to acknowledge him for it all.

itsrandiyo

"Ugh, I knew it.

1. You don't need to have even sides.  That's so 1980's.
2. a Wedding party of 11 is not too many if you have 11 people that you relaly love and want to stand up with you."

Yup a little traditional in that sense, and guess what....its my wedding and all i wanted was a suggestion for a title, thats all. 

pegasuskat thats a good suggestion. 

JoanE2012

itsrandiyo said:

"Ugh, I knew it.

1. You don't need to have even sides.  That's so 1980's.
2. a Wedding party of 11 is not too many if you have 11 people that you relaly love and want to stand up with you."

Yup a little traditional in that sense, and guess what....its my wedding and all i wanted was a suggestion for a title, thats all. 

pegasuskat thats a good suggestion. 

Nice, so the "vision" is more important to you than the feelings of this so-called important friend.  Gotcha.

PrettyGirlLost

itsrandiyo said:

"Ugh, I knew it.

1. You don't need to have even sides.  That's so 1980's.
2. a Wedding party of 11 is not too many if you have 11 people that you relaly love and want to stand up with you."

Yup a little traditional in that sense, and guess what....its my wedding and all i wanted was a suggestion for a title, thats all. 

pegasuskat thats a good suggestion. 

At least you didn't say, "It's MY day!"

Seriously, if you are that close with this guy and you care about him so much, then honor him by asking him to be in the wedding party.  Doing all the wedding day crap-work, even if he offered, isn't an honor. 

He's doing you a huge favor by doing the stupid shit that either doesn't need to be done- guestbook attendant, pass out programs rather than have them in a basket- or should be done my a paid DOC or yourself- POC for vendors.  You aren't honoring him in any way.

KatieinBkln

pegasuskat said:

My sister (in MI) had a friend do all of these things, and she called him Master of Ceremony.  He was listed in the program, had a flower, invited to RD, all of those things. She got him a large gift card also for a thank you. Edit -he kept offering/doing all these things, she didn't ask.  He just really wanted to help and she wanted to acknowledge him for it all.

My FI was master of ceremonies at his sister's wedding. Basically they gave him a microphone at the reception and he announced things like when to get food, and also: Presenting the couple! He was happy to do it, but again, nobody pretended like it was a super duper special honor. He just rented the tux (and looked hot) and spent 30 seconds of the evening making brief announcements.

I agree with the main sentiments here about not giving your friends chore lists, though.

itsrandiyo

JoanE2012 said: itsrandiyo said: "Ugh, I knew it.

1. You don't need to have even sides.  That's so 1980's.
2. a Wedding party of 11 is not too many if you have 11 people that you relaly love and want to stand up with you."
Yup a little traditional in that sense, and guess what....its my wedding and all i wanted was a suggestion for a title, thats all. 
pegasuskat thats a good suggestion. Nice, so the "vision" is more important to you than the feelings of this so-called important friend.  Gotcha.
This comment ONLY had to do with the statement I quoted nothing else. Like I stated above I'm not a queen, this day is not some HUGE event of the year and I dont expect my friends or guest to think so. I love my friends and would never take advantage of them purposely and would never ask of them anything that I know they wouldnt want to do. Furthermore, if they didnt want to do something, they would tell me because, they're my friends and were open with eachother.

MGP

JCbride2015 said:

If a friend needs help, and I happen to be free, I'm more than glad to help.  If it's a life tragedy, illness, etc. I will move my whole schedule around to be with you.  But performing asinine little tasks on your wedding day, like guarding a guestbook, is not something that a) even really needs to be done, and b) should be done by a friend at all, and c) is definitely NOT AN HONOR.  

Couldn't have said it better.

It's ridiculous for brides to expect the same response and amount of effort on their friend's part when dealing with a true crisis vs. a petty non-necessary task.  Will I move mountains and not go to work to attend a funeral, sit vigil in a hospital, cook meals for someone incapacitated, etc?  Absolutely.  Will I stand for being called a horrible friend because I refuse to find child care for a week and go to an out of town bachelorette party in a crappy beach house with people I don't like?  Hell no, and that's a true story that recently happened to me.

A while back I started a thread about what people considered an honor, a task, and a job when it came to weddings.  Most people agreed on the big ones, but there was a lot of gray area for some. Many commented on the importance of HOW people were asked to help and how it's important to NOT to bill it as an honor if it's not. 

Bottom line is - not everyone thinks the same.  And to pull the "well THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU DO for friends/family" is only going to cause more problems.  They may not say it to your face, but people do NOT like working when they don't have to.  Err on the side of caution and PAY PEOPLE to help you with your wedding crap.

ETA - found the thread:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1008993/honor-vs-task-vs-job#latest

LDay2014

you may not be 'the queen' but besides high-powered business executives or celebrities, she's the only one who I can think of who would have 'personal assistants'.

Come to think of it, even in any of those circumstances those people are PAID (and usually miserable).

Make him a reader - problem solved. 

If your 'vision' of the even sides if more important than having him participate in an actually meaningful manner then your priorities here are skewed and he really isn't that important.

JCbride2015

LDay2014 said:

you may not be 'the queen' but besides high-powered business executives or celebrities, she's the only one who I can think of who would have 'personal assistants'.

Come to think of it, even in any of those circumstances those people are PAID (and usually miserable).

Make him a reader - problem solved. 

If your 'vision' of the even sides if more important than having him participate in an actually meaningful manner then your priorities here are skewed and he really isn't that important.

Ndelible

When I was 12, I was the guest book wrangler at my older sister's wedding.  It was a little bit like a hostess position.  I was kinda psyched at the time, cause I got a new dress and met everyone who attended.  Then again, I was 12.  

When my BFF got married a few years back, only her sister stood with her, but I did things for her behind the scenes,  I love her.  Wish I could have done more.