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Personal Attendant?

itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have a friend who is helping out a lot with my wedding, which is in September.  He is going to be handing out the programs, handing out the flowers to the bridal party, and helping with gifts/gift table. I do not have a party planner and this is very normal to have someone to do for you in the Mid-West, but normally it is one of your girlfriends and would be mentioned in the program as a Personal Attendant. However, this person is a man; would it be rude/demining/innappropriate, to have him in the program as Personal Attendant? If so, any suggestions as to what a good title would be? I want to honor him because he is one of my closest friends and he is helping so much.  
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Re: Personal Attendant?

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    ashleyepashleyep member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited July 2014
    Those tasks are chores not honors. It's nice of him to offer, but there's nothing to honor him with. But if you insist on it, I would just leave it as personal attendant - gender doesn't seem implied to me.
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    BMoreBride6BMoreBride6 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    If he completely offered to do all these things without ANY persuasion from you I think it is fine.  If you asked him to do these things, I think it is quite rude on your part.  If it is the former, I think it would be nice to give him a nice gift/heartfelt thank you over putting it in a program. 
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    blabla89blabla89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Just curious, did this friend offer to do it or did he get voluntold to do it? If he seriously offered, then sure, give him a title and a name check. Also give him a nice attendant gift.

    If he didn't offer, then hire someone to do this stuff for you.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I don't see how personal attendant is a gender-specific term.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I hope he offered this help to you.  It would be very rude if you asked him to do any of these things.

    "Personal attendant" is generally a chore, not an honor, as PPs have said.  However if he volunteered to help you with this stuff, I see you would want to thank him somehow.

    How about listing a line on the program to the effect of, "Many thanks to [Friend] for his invaluable help in putting together the details for the wedding."  And giving him a small gift at the RD just as you would a member of your WP.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    MNVegasMNVegas member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Knottie32761769 said:
    I have a friend who is helping out a lot with my wedding, which is in September.  He is going to be handing out the programs, handing out the flowers to the bridal party, and helping with gifts/gift table. I do not have a party planner and this is very normal to have someone to do for you in the Mid-West, but normally it is one of your girlfriends and would be mentioned in the program as a Personal Attendant. However, this person is a man; would it be rude/demining/innappropriate, to have him in the program as Personal Attendant? If so, any suggestions as to what a good title would be? I want to honor him because he is one of my closest friends and he is helping so much.  
    Then honor him by letting him attend your wedding as a guest not a worker. 

    Mary Click here for my bio! image
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    JoanE2012 said:
    Tell your friend thanks, but that you want him to enjoy the wedding and not work. Then, put the programs in a basket by the door and those that want one will take one. The bridesmaids can grab their own flowers. And people will put gifts on the table....nothing further needs to be done.
    First, if you asked, hinted, had someone else ask, someone else hinted, etc. that someone needed to do these things for you, or volunteer to do these things for you, then you have been very rude by accepting this help, and you should turn it down and go by the above quote.

    If a person truly did volunteer to help on their own volition entirely, then proceed below...

    1. Go by the above, and tell the person to enjoy their day as a guest at your wedding.
    2. Accept that a person like this just truly wants to help so will likely find some way to do nice things for you even after you've put the programs in a basket, etc.
    3. If those nice things are big things, put a line in the program saying something like "Special thanks to John Smith who helped so graciously in the planning of this event" or something like that. Also buy the person a nice heartfelt card and a gift (like a nice bottle of wine or something).
    4. If those things were more subtle, skip the line in the program. 
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    itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    scribe95 said:
    I had a great friend who offered to do many of these same tasks. She handled programs, bubbles, flowers etc. It was a weight off knowing she would handle the details and she did a great job. I didn't give her a title in the program - just had a note to her. And of course she came to the rehearsal dinner with her SO.
    Thank you, I'm not crazy for not paying someone to do this. I can't believe people do...I honestly have never been to a wedding where it's werid to have a host and hostess and a personal attendant. I obviously am going to give him a gift for being such a crucial part in my wedding and yes he did ask to help. He is coming to the reherssal dinner, with the bridal party after, etc. Is it rude to have ushers too? I feel like where I'm from we dont adhear to ANYTHING that you people call rude. (south dakota) I am not meaning to be rude to this person...simply want them to be part of the day. 
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    itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Also, I have helped with such duties at wedding as well. Not only that but as a bridesmaid at a wedding I helped for a full day set up the reception hall and church...along with other friends and family. I think it is rediculous that you guys are saying having a personal attendant is rude, and I haven't heard that untill I came to this webpage. Helping with wedding setting up, etc. is expected in i've been appart of and wouldn't want it any other way. I'm probably never posting anything again because you guys are crazy. 

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    ashleyepashleyep member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    scribe95 said:
    I had a great friend who offered to do many of these same tasks. She handled programs, bubbles, flowers etc. It was a weight off knowing she would handle the details and she did a great job. I didn't give her a title in the program - just had a note to her. And of course she came to the rehearsal dinner with her SO.
    If it's something that needs to be done, I don't even really think it's a big deal to ask a favor. I have these two big doors in my church that they suggested I use for my "grand entrance." "Just have two ushers open it," they said. I don't have any ushers, so I asked two of my cousins. And I invited them to the rehearsal. But I'm also not pretending it's an honor and they're not going in the program. I made it clear I was asking for a favor.

    You don't really need anyone to hand out programs or hand out bouquets (what?) or manage the gift table.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm still wondering why you feel the term personal attendant is gender specific.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    AddieCake said:
    I'm still wondering why you feel the term personal attendant is gender specific.
    I was told by a couple guys they would be offended if they were called that....:/
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Did they say why or what they would prefer?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    saacjwsaacjw member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    itsrandiyo said:
    AddieCake said:
    I'm still wondering why you feel the term personal attendant is gender specific.
    I was told by a couple guys they would be offended if they were called that....:/
    I'd ask your friend if he would be offended, because it's totally not a gender specific term.Personally, I'm mid-west born and bred and have never heard of this at all, so am also super duper confused where they think it's gender specific. 
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We are crazy, really?
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    NYCMercedes said:
    I'd give him $100 and call him the Day of Coordinator, as that's what he is.
    Its really fourtunate that you can throw $100 dollars around like that.  
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    itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Thank you, I appreciate you response that it is not gender specific, makes me feel better. 
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    wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    I had a great friend who offered to do many of these same tasks. She handled programs, bubbles, flowers etc. It was a weight off knowing she would handle the details and she did a great job. I didn't give her a title in the program - just had a note to her. And of course she came to the rehearsal dinner with her SO.
    Bubbles and programs can be put in baskets. People know how to pick things up.

    Flowers are handled by the florist when they deliver them to the venue. You pop them in water, and the BMs pick them up shortly before the procession.

    I don't get why people think these are "honored" positions. They're boring jobs that a human being does not need to do. I've been relegated to "guest book attendant" and "program dispenser" before, and I hated every second of it. It wasn't an honor. It was boring and unnecessary.

    If someone offers to help, great, but if they're offering help, I'd rather have them help with something that requires actual manpower (like decorating) than handing out programs and bubbles.
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    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2014
    scribe95 said:
    I had a great friend who offered to do many of these same tasks. She handled programs, bubbles, flowers etc. It was a weight off knowing she would handle the details and she did a great job. I didn't give her a title in the program - just had a note to her. And of course she came to the rehearsal dinner with her SO.
    itsrandiyo, the key here is that her friend offered.

    You say your friend offered too, so I have to assume he offered of his own free will with no pressure/guilt/subliminal messaging/etc, as we have no reason not to believe you.

    However a lot of people that have personal attendants specifically ask people to be PAs. And it's rude. You're essentially telling a friend that you don't like him/her enough to ask them to be a bridesmaid/groomsmen (gasp! maybe the sides won't be even or genders on the sides would be mixed! Heaven forbid!), but you still want them to give up a larger portion of their Saturday to do crap for you. That is not how you treat a friend.

    Luckily, despite my being from the midwest, I've only been to two weddings with PAs. At one, my husband was the best man so I ended up hanging in the back with the bridesmaids. The poor PA was running around ragged. I honestly thought she must be the day of coordinator. And then the wedding started and she walked down and was a PA? And I thought, "what the heck is that?"
    The other wedding I went to they made nearly every etiquette mistake in the book, so the PA did not surprise me. She sat next to the "Flower Maiden" (aka 25+ year old flower girl) at the reception at the end of the head table.


    It's really nice of you to have helped with setup/tear down at the weddings you went to; I hope you offered vs being asked. Being asked to do it by the couple is so crappy. Because in some cases you really don't want to do it.... but you feel bad saying no. At my husband's brother's wedding he got conned into setting up. He had to wake up super early the day of the wedding and came back beat before the big wedding stuff had even happened yet!


    Yuck. Long story short:

    Asking your friends to do work for you: Not an honor
    Asking your friends to to work for you: You're too lazy to do it yourself / too cheap to hire someone / care more about your "wedding vision" than your friends' time and comfort, and are likely verging on emotional blackmail to get them to do the stuff for you.
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    Racheldh83Racheldh83 member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Don't agree on this one. Pa are common in iowa haven't seen a wedding without one. I asked a gf of mine and she's been more excited and has helped played more then anyone she'll call out of the blue with ideas. In my circle they are given a gift and acknowledged on the program. This is one area to be careful with because some feel its rude doesn't make it wrong. Just because you don't like it I wouldn't automatically say it's against etiquette. It's actually not if you read some wedding etiquette books.
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    Racheldh83Racheldh83 member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Just because you haven't heard of it you think it's made up? Interesting.
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Racheldh83 said:
    Just because you haven't heard of it you think it's made up? Interesting.
    Not made up as in nobody has ever done it before.  But "made up" basically means that you ask somebody to be your brideslave for the day, and give them a title so it seems more like an honor and less like a chore.  It's a made-up title because it has no real honor, unlike Bridesmaid or reader.

    There is a HUGE difference between your friend volunteering to help, and you asking her to be a PA.  The first one is lovely, the second one is taking advantage.  Most of our loved ones are too sweet to actually say, "That sounds like a lot of work and I'd really just rather enjoy myself as a guest."

    Bottom line: if friend volunteers to help?  Awesome!  Say thank you, and a small gift would be appropriate.  If you want to ask your friend to be PA, to do things a DOC would normally do, but you don't want to pay?  Nope nope nope.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    Racheldh83Racheldh83 member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Never heard of a day coordinator.. Party planner or event coordinator yup..day coordinator nope.
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Racheldh83 said:
    Don't agree on this one. Pa are common in iowa haven't seen a wedding without one. I asked a gf of mine and she's been more excited and has helped played more then anyone she'll call out of the blue with ideas. In my circle they are given a gift and acknowledged on the program. This is one area to be careful with because some feel its rude doesn't make it wrong. Just because you don't like it I wouldn't automatically say it's against etiquette. It's actually not if you read some wedding etiquette books.
    A personal attendant is, quite simply, an unpaid slave to you for the day.  How is that an honor?   I'd much rather attend the wedding as a guest and enjoy myself, not running around handing out bubbles and programs and overseeing the guest book.  If you want someone to do that, hire a day of coordinator.
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