Fiancé dead set on a Honeyfund

holyguacamole79

melissamusic said:

 Are you really above planning and financing a trip you can afford on your own?

Of course not. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. We can afford our honeymoon, I think he just thinks it would be nice if it were free. 

I REALLY wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. That was the last straw. We ALL want things for free, but that's not how life works. But, hey, if you want to get screwed out of 3% of money and don't care what your family & friends think, then go for it.

JellyBean52513

melissamusic said:

 Are you really above planning and financing a trip you can afford on your own?

Of course not. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. We can afford our honeymoon, I think he just thinks it would be nice if it were free. 

Now just imagine how many of your guests are going to get that impression.

LadyMillil

melissamusic said:

 Are you really above planning and financing a trip you can afford on your own?

Of course not. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. We can afford our honeymoon, I think he just thinks it would be nice if it were free. 

You don't need a honey fund for that. Maybe I think of money differently, but if you pay $2000 for your honeymoon, then get $2000 in wedding gifts your net money spent is $0, which would make your honeymoon "free". We had a small registry. When people asked what we wanted we said "we have a registry at XYZ, but we are saving up for a nice trip for our honeymoon". Some of the cheques or cards had notes like "have a romantic dinner on us". We didn't get any of the local currency as a gift, but I am sending Euros instead of dollars as my gift for a friend planning a honeymoon in Europe.

frap33

I know that I'm in the minority here, but aside from the processing fees. I don't see what the harm is with having a honeyfund.

We've only been to three weddings where they've had honeymoon registries, but we gave each of those couples more than we had planned because the excursions they wanted to take looked incredible and we wanted them to have an amazing time. They all had an wonderful time on their honeymoons and two of the three sent us pictures of them enjoying the excursions we had gifted along with their thank you card. 

We're planning to elope, so we won't need to worry about presents, so this if purely hypothetical. But... if we were having a traditional wedding I think I'd like something along the lines of a honeyfund. Not because we would need someone to pay for our vacation, but because we already have everything we need and if people gave us cash we'd just use it for the honeymoon anyway, or throw it into an investment. 

I'd rather look back in 20 years, going over the photos, and be able to say, "Oh, do you remember that helicopter tour that Jennie & Dave gave us? And do you remember that dinner at that incredible restaurant on the beach that your Aunt Suzie and Uncle Rob gave us?" Rather than have some cash in the bank or things that I don't need gathering dust in our storage space. But that's just me. :-)

For the record, we would just let a few close people know about it, so they could tell those who asked about a registry, but it wouldn't be on the wedding website or publicly displayed. 

I know that this view isn't really accepted around here, but I wanted to share my two cents. :-)

lurkergirl

frap33 said:

I know that I'm in the minority here, but aside from the processing fees. I don't see what the harm is with having a honeyfund.1

We've only been to three weddings where they've had honeymoon registries, but we gave each of those couples more than we had planned2 because the excursions they wanted to take looked incredible3 and we wanted them to have an amazing time. They all had an wonderful time on their honeymoons and two of the three sent us pictures of them enjoying the excursions we had gifted along with their thank you card4.

We're planning to elope, so we won't need to worry about presents, so this if purely hypothetical. But... if we were having a traditional wedding I think I'd like something along the lines of a honeyfund. Not because we would need someone to pay for our vacation, but because we already have everything we need and if people gave us cash we'd just use it for the honeymoon anyway, or throw it into an investment. 

I'd rather look back in 20 years, going over the photos, and be able to say, "Oh, do you remember that helicopter tour that Jennie & Dave gave us? And do you remember that dinner at that incredible restaurant on the beach that your Aunt Suzie and Uncle Rob gave us?" Rather than have some cash in the bank or things that I don't need gathering dust in our storage space. But that's just me. :-)

For the record, we would just let a few close people know about it, so they could tell those who asked about a registry5, but it wouldn't be on the wedding website or publicly displayed. 

I know that this view isn't really accepted around here, but I wanted to share my two cents. :-)6

1. There is a huge, stickied thread about this.  Please read it.  I believe it's in the "Registry and Gifts" board (regs please correct me if I'm wrong).

2. It's good you gave them more than planned since there was likely a service fee involved so it isn't like they got the full amount that you gave.

3. I would never consider a honeyfund, so maybe I'm wrong, but my understanding is that the whole buying excursions thing is an illusion.  In fact, the couple just gets one lump sum check--minus fees, of course.

4. HM pics with a TY note?  I mean I'm glad they wrote them, but it is not proper etiquette to hold out on TY notes because you want pictures in them (there was a thread about this recently).

5. Spreading the word is still not okay.  You're still asking people to give you money, you're just having someone else do the work for you.

6.

 

ETA: Accidentally posted with the side of my hand before I was finished typing.
ETAx2: Ignore the first point.  I always see the thread and assumed it was helpful.  I just looked...it's not good, and I'm afraid all the SS types out there are reading that and perpetuating the idea that this is in some way acceptable.  Ugh!

Liatris2010

frap33 said:

I know that I'm in the minority here, but aside from the processing fees. I don't see what the harm is with having a honeyfund.

We've only been to three weddings where they've had honeymoon registries, but we gave each of those couples more than we had planned because the excursions they wanted to take looked incredible and we wanted them to have an amazing time. They all had an wonderful time on their honeymoons and two of the three sent us pictures of them enjoying the excursions we had gifted along with their thank you card. 

We're planning to elope, so we won't need to worry about presents, so this if purely hypothetical. But... if we were having a traditional wedding I think I'd like something along the lines of a honeyfund. Not because we would need someone to pay for our vacation, but because we already have everything we need and if people gave us cash we'd just use it for the honeymoon anyway, or throw it into an investment. 

I'd rather look back in 20 years, going over the photos, and be able to say, "Oh, do you remember that helicopter tour that Jennie & Dave gave us? And do you remember that dinner at that incredible restaurant on the beach that your Aunt Suzie and Uncle Rob gave us?" Rather than have some cash in the bank or things that I don't need gathering dust in our storage space. But that's just me. :-)

For the record, we would just let a few close people know about it, so they could tell those who asked about a registry, but it wouldn't be on the wedding website or publicly displayed. 

I know that this view isn't really accepted around here, but I wanted to share my two cents. :-)

The harm is that it is deceptive. Guests think you are getting a voucher for a whale watching tour, and you are actually getting a check that you can use on a whale watching tour or your electric bill. If you actually got two tickets for a whale tour, I'd have 0 problem with honeymoon registries. Who doesn't want to gift a fun experience? But you don't get an experience, you get a check minus a service fee, which makes it a scam. Your guests think they are paying a service fee for the website to book a thing for you, when in actually the website isn't booking anything and they are pocketing the fee for the service of telling your guests money can be spent on things. Scam.

melissamusic

Please don't turn on me. I'm on your side, remember? I just started this thread to vent a little that I am sad that some guests at our wedding might judge me. And I will use the strategy of talking about the fees, but I couldn't last night because he was tired, so it wouldn't have gone well. Saying that I don't care what my family and friends think? I started this whole thread because I do care what my family and friends think. I care very much. I am sorry that I corrected the facts on the fees. I didn't do it to defend Honeyfunds, I just did it because I prefer to work with facts at times when emotions run high--it reduces the possibility of things getting out of hand or turning into a fight. I usually think that hyperbole makes things worse when the situation is emotionally-charged. That was all. And I'm sorry I did it. 

Liatris2010

melissamusic said:

Please don't turn on me. I'm on your side, remember? I just started this thread to vent a little that I am sad that some guests at our wedding might judge me. And I will use the strategy of talking about the fees, but I couldn't last night because he was tired, so it wouldn't have gone well. Saying that I don't care what my family and friends think? I started this whole thread because I do care what my family and friends think. I care very much. I am sorry that I corrected the facts on the fees. I didn't do it to defend Honeyfunds, I just did it because I prefer to work with facts at times when emotions run high--it reduces the possibility of things getting out of hand or turning into a fight. I usually think that hyperbole makes things worse when the situation is emotionally-charged. That was all. And I'm sorry I did it. 

I'm not trying to be harsh, I think you are probably a really nice person IRL, but the quoted is why you lose disagreements. The instant you think someone is upset with you, you back down and try to make it better. All anyone has to do to win an argument with you is act mad. They wouldn't even have to actually be mad, no one here is.

For example, your point about the fees was a good one. It is still a fee, but the fee is smaller, so you wouldn't be losing as much money to them as people were saying. But then you deleted the comment because someone said it was still a fee. Then you offered to put it back because someone said deleting stuff wasn't okay.

It's nice to be nice, but you don't always have to make nice to be nice. You can stand up for yourself, disagree, and still be a nice person.

lurkergirl

@melissamusic You say you're sad that guests might judge you, but you are in control of that.  There is a one simple answer: don't do it (I was the one who posted the gifs you called snarky.  Maybe they were, but they certainly weren't malicious; they were intended as a lighthearted way to say the same thing: just don't do it; shut down the thought of it). 

I know I'm a noob poster, but I have lurked forever, and these ladies really give good advice.  It's often said around here that they don't "blow rainbows," and that's the truth.  They give honest advice that might not always be what an OP wants to hear, and that's usually where drama starts.  They also noticed some red-flags in your posts and tried to help you there.  Really, most people genuinely want to help. 

Fran1985

melissamusic said:

Please don't turn on me. I'm on your side, remember? I just started this thread to vent a little that I am sad that some guests at our wedding might judge me. And I will use the strategy of talking about the fees, but I couldn't last night because he was tired, so it wouldn't have gone well. Saying that I don't care what my family and friends think? I started this whole thread because I do care what my family and friends think. I care very much. I am sorry that I corrected the facts on the fees. I didn't do it to defend Honeyfunds, I just did it because I prefer to work with facts at times when emotions run high--it reduces the possibility of things getting out of hand or turning into a fight. I usually think that hyperbole makes things worse when the situation is emotionally-charged. That was all. And I'm sorry I did it. 

Do you always walk on eggshells around your FI? honestly the HM fund to me is the least of the problems. I am really conerned with how you describe your relationship.

Liatris2010

Fran1985 said:

melissamusic said:

Please don't turn on me. I'm on your side, remember? I just started this thread to vent a little that I am sad that some guests at our wedding might judge me. And I will use the strategy of talking about the fees, but I couldn't last night because he was tired, so it wouldn't have gone well. Saying that I don't care what my family and friends think? I started this whole thread because I do care what my family and friends think. I care very much. I am sorry that I corrected the facts on the fees. I didn't do it to defend Honeyfunds, I just did it because I prefer to work with facts at times when emotions run high--it reduces the possibility of things getting out of hand or turning into a fight. I usually think that hyperbole makes things worse when the situation is emotionally-charged. That was all. And I'm sorry I did it. 

Do you always walk on eggshells around your FI? honestly the HM fund to me is the least of the problems. I am really conerned with how you describe your relationship.

I think she walks on eggshells with lots of people, not just FI.

indianaalum

Listen, honeyfunds are a waste of money. End of story. If people don't see that they are both offensive AND a waste of money, then clearly the person has bigger issues.

If people REALLY want to give you stuff to enjoy on your honeymoon, they will.

My group of friends knew I was going to Europe for my honeymoon. Without ME saying a word, my friend called and said "we found this thing called the PARIS PASS, if you think you would use it, we will buy it for you as a wedding gift".. I never asked for it or registered for it. Hell, I didn't even know what it was until I looked it up after she mentioned it. They bought me that, and gave me cash in EUROS to help spend on my honeymoon.

I never had a honeyfund, I never registered for excursions on my honeymoon, nothing. In the end, if people want to do something sweet like that for you on your honeymoon, they will do it all on their own WITHOUT losing money on wasted fees.

Also, I received a ton of cash for my wedding. I used much of it to fund my honeymoon in the end. Same exact concept except NOBODY lost out on "Fees".

Money is money no matter what form it comes. You can stil use it ANY WAY YOU WANT TO. 

Honeyfunds are bad. and a waste of money to you AND your guests. end of story.

(I just looked up sandals registry because I know someone who is doing it--I am not invited to the wedding, I just know they are doing it). I looked it up and the BUYER has to pay the service fee. What kinda person allows their GUESTS to pay service fees on CASH they will be receiving. so shitty

chibiyui

I understand always wanting to please people, but at some point you have to pick a hill to die on.

The old phrase is "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything" it's truer than you might think.

PineapplePopsicles

lurkergirl said:

@melissamusic You say you're sad that guests might judge you, but you are in control of that.  There is a one simple answer: don't do it (I was the one who posted the gifs you called snarky.  Maybe they were, but they certainly weren't malicious; they were intended as a lighthearted way to say the same thing: just don't do it; shut down the thought of it). 

I know I'm a noob poster, but I have lurked forever, and these ladies really give good advice.  It's often said around here that they don't "blow rainbows," and that's the truth.  They give honest advice that might not always be what an OP wants to hear, and that's usually where drama starts.  They also noticed some red-flags in your posts and tried to help you there.  Really, most people genuinely want to help. 

FWIW i didn't think your gifs were crossing the line into too-snarky territory.  I thought they were funny. 

sarawifenow

melissamusic said:

Please don't turn on me. I'm on your side, remember? I just started this thread to vent a little that I am sad that some guests at our wedding might judge me. And I will use the strategy of talking about the fees, but I couldn't last night because he was tired, so it wouldn't have gone well. Saying that I don't care what my family and friends think? I started this whole thread because I do care what my family and friends think. I care very much. I am sorry that I corrected the facts on the fees. I didn't do it to defend Honeyfunds, I just did it because I prefer to work with facts at times when emotions run high--it reduces the possibility of things getting out of hand or turning into a fight. I usually think that hyperbole makes things worse when the situation is emotionally-charged. That was all. And I'm sorry I did it. 

I'm sorry if you are feeling that you have been turned on, but this whole thing has just gotten exhausting. You keep going back and forth saying that you don't want to be rude to your guests, but that you are going to go ahead and do the honeyfund because "FI says so" then you go back to the original thought again. It is seriously giving me whiplash.

 

At this point you either need to stand up for yourself and stop making excuses for your fiance's controlling, selfish, and entitled behavior and move on sans honeyfund or you need to just follow his rules and deal with the consequences that will come from family and friends thinking you were rude to them. You really need to make a choice and realize that the way this situation has played out with your FI may be indicative to your future together.

 

ETA: I do wish you the best and I hope that you get some clarity with this situation.

misshart00

FWIW, guests paid for our flight and hotel for our honeymoon. One couple contacted us and told us they would like to give us their airline miles for our plane tickets and we all booked them together. Another couple asked where we wanted to go and where we were planning on staying. They called the hotel and paid for our stay. We never asked for these and we didn't have a "registry" for it.

PineapplePopsicles

misshart00 said:

FWIW, guests paid for our flight and hotel for our honeymoon. One couple contacted us and told us they would like to give us their airline miles for our plane tickets and we all booked them together. Another couple asked where we wanted to go and where we were planning on staying. They called the hotel and paid for our stay. We never asked for these and we didn't have a "registry" for it.

WOW!  That is VERY generous!!! 

misshart00

PineapplePopsicles said:

misshart00 said:

FWIW, guests paid for our flight and hotel for our honeymoon. One couple contacted us and told us they would like to give us their airline miles for our plane tickets and we all booked them together. Another couple asked where we wanted to go and where we were planning on staying. They called the hotel and paid for our stay. We never asked for these and we didn't have a "registry" for it.

WOW!  That is VERY generous!!! 

Yeah. It was amazing. The hotel gift was my inlaws.

holyguacamole79

misshart00 said:

FWIW, guests paid for our flight and hotel for our honeymoon. One couple contacted us and told us they would like to give us their airline miles for our plane tickets and we all booked them together. Another couple asked where we wanted to go and where we were planning on staying. They called the hotel and paid for our stay. We never asked for these and we didn't have a "registry" for it.

SIL did something similar for us. We did a delayed honeymoon bc DH didn't have vacation time accrued at his new job yet. SIL found a resort on a lake and called ahead and paid for a night for us. It was a very sweet thing for her to do.

OP, I know you have good intentions. Stick around. We'll help you toughen up.

ETA: SIL paid for our mini-moon

holyguacamole79

frap33 said:

I know that I'm in the minority here, but aside from the processing fees. I don't see what the harm is with having a honeyfund.

We've only been to three weddings where they've had honeymoon registries, but we gave each of those couples more than we had planned because the excursions they wanted to take looked incredible and we wanted them to have an amazing time. They all had an wonderful time on their honeymoons and two of the three sent us pictures of them enjoying the excursions we had gifted along with their thank you card. 

We're planning to elope, so we won't need to worry about presents, so this if purely hypothetical. But... if we were having a traditional wedding I think I'd like something along the lines of a honeyfund. Not because we would need someone to pay for our vacation, but because we already have everything we need and if people gave us cash we'd just use it for the honeymoon anyway, or throw it into an investment. 

I'd rather look back in 20 years, going over the photos, and be able to say, "Oh, do you remember that helicopter tour that Jennie & Dave gave us? And do you remember that dinner at that incredible restaurant on the beach that your Aunt Suzie and Uncle Rob gave us?" Rather than have some cash in the bank or things that I don't need gathering dust in our storage space. But that's just me. :-)

For the record, we would just let a few close people know about it, so they could tell those who asked about a registry, but it wouldn't be on the wedding website or publicly displayed. 

I know that this view isn't really accepted around here, but I wanted to share my two cents. :-)

Um, I'm ALWAYS down for cash in a bank. We still use our grill and think of how generous BIL was to get that for us. We got a super nice set of towels with our monogram, on it. I still think of the person who got us those. And we also got a super cool metal tub to hold beers when we're entertaining. Yep, I think of that person when we load it with ice and booze.

hellosweetie1015

OP, please hang out with us a little while. A lot of the women on these boards have great advice. Some of them are SUPER blunt, and sometimes you'll get your feathers ruffled from it, but definitely hang around. And you can always PM me if you need to. I'm not going to blow smoke for you any more than anyone else, but I do try to be... softer about it. 

Also - I know you're trying to please everyone and not cause confrontation, at least in this instance, and your posts come off like you're used to doing such all the time. I do the Same.Damn.Thing. All the time. I have not fought with FI yet, and we've been together for about 17 or 18 months (which yeah isn't a long time, but you know. 18 months without any fights.) I dated a dude for three YEARS and fought with him once. But at some point, you have to stop. You have to stand up, and put your foot down, and say, "No. This is not okay with me, and I am willing to fight over it." Because, really, it seems to me like it's making you miserable. You are ENGAGED! You are going to be MARRIED to the human being who you love most in this world, and who loves you most in this world! It's stressful when you're planning, but even so you shouldn't be miserable planning it. 

PrettyGirlLost

There's a huge difference between Making Peace and Keeping the Peace.  Keeping the Peace is not healthy or functional in the longrun.

beethery

Seriously, if my FI was as domineering about shit as just simple conversation, I'd be heading for the hills. 

He has to respect your views on stuff. He doesn't have to agree, and you don't have to agree with him. Just show him the math, and if he has a tantrum about it, you've got bigger fish to fry.

If your FI can not be spoken to about something as simple as this, you guys have a lot to work on.

mrsmagicgeek

Oh @melissamusic‌ you remind me of myself, especially when I was younger (I'm 45 now so don't think I'm saying you sound super young or anything, just younger than I am). In my case, it was low self esteem. I spent so much time terrified that FI would leave me that I rarely expressed what I really felt. Eventually (and I mean over a period of years) I started testing the waters, expressing myself more and more. Guess what? He didn't leave. Shocked the heck out of me, but I got used to it.

Now, 5 years later, we're engaged. We're engaged because it was important to me, I brought it up and argued for it. FI just hadn't really thought about it. He took some time to think about it, and realized that it's what he wants, too.

My point is, 5 years ago I wouldn't have said anything at all. It took a lot of time and work on my part to realize that what I want and what I feel is just as important as what he wants and feels. This may not be what's going on with you, I can only go by what you've posted here. If it is, though, I hope you spend some time learning to love and value yourself, because you're worth it!

If I'm completely off base though just ignore me :P

ashleyep

lurkergirl said:

frap33 said:

I know that I'm in the minority here, but aside from the processing fees. I don't see what the harm is with having a honeyfund.1

We've only been to three weddings where they've had honeymoon registries, but we gave each of those couples more than we had planned2 because the excursions they wanted to take looked incredible3 and we wanted them to have an amazing time. They all had an wonderful time on their honeymoons and two of the three sent us pictures of them enjoying the excursions we had gifted along with their thank you card4.

We're planning to elope, so we won't need to worry about presents, so this if purely hypothetical. But... if we were having a traditional wedding I think I'd like something along the lines of a honeyfund. Not because we would need someone to pay for our vacation, but because we already have everything we need and if people gave us cash we'd just use it for the honeymoon anyway, or throw it into an investment. 

I'd rather look back in 20 years, going over the photos, and be able to say, "Oh, do you remember that helicopter tour that Jennie & Dave gave us? And do you remember that dinner at that incredible restaurant on the beach that your Aunt Suzie and Uncle Rob gave us?" Rather than have some cash in the bank or things that I don't need gathering dust in our storage space. But that's just me. :-)

For the record, we would just let a few close people know about it, so they could tell those who asked about a registry5, but it wouldn't be on the wedding website or publicly displayed. 

I know that this view isn't really accepted around here, but I wanted to share my two cents. :-)6

1. There is a huge, stickied thread about this.  Please read it.  I believe it's in the "Registry and Gifts" board (regs please correct me if I'm wrong).

2. It's good you gave them more than planned since there was likely a service fee involved so it isn't like they got the full amount that you gave.

3. I would never consider a honeyfund, so maybe I'm wrong, but my understanding is that the whole buying excursions thing is an illusion.  In fact, the couple just gets one lump sum check--minus fees, of course.

4. HM pics with a TY note?  I mean I'm glad they wrote them, but it is not proper etiquette to hold out on TY notes because you want pictures in them (there was a thread about this recently).

5. Spreading the word is still not okay.  You're still asking people to give you money, you're just having someone else do the work for you.

I don't agree with this argument. I went on my honeymoon less than 24 hours after my wedding. I started some of my thank you cards on the plane, but it's not like I had them all done and sent before I got back. It would have been very easy for me to take my memory card, go to CVS, print out a few excursion pictures and stick them into my thank you cards. There's no *holding* on to anything. It's not the same as waiting for your photographer so you can make a special snowflake photo thank you card.

MGP

beethery said:

If your FI can not be spoken to about something as simple as this, you guys have a lot to work on.

This is exactly what I was thinking and the tone of this thread has moved to more concern than anything. OP you really do sound like a nice person who cares about people. All we are saying is that this honeymoon fund thing is very small in the grand scheme of things and if he is "dead set" on this what else will he try in the future?  It could turn into things like:

Husband is dead set on his mother being in the delivery room

Husband is dead set on his unemployed best friend living with us for free for six months

Husband is dead set on quitting his job and auditioning for American Idol

Husband is dead set on taking my mother off life support

Husband is dead set on having more children and I just want to get my tubes tied

Some of those things aren't necessarily right or wrong, but there will be opinions and you may not always agree.  Seriously though crap happens in life and in a marriage. Will you stand up then?

lurkergirl

ashleyep said:

lurkergirl said:

frap33 said:

I know that I'm in the minority here, but aside from the processing fees. I don't see what the harm is with having a honeyfund.1

We've only been to three weddings where they've had honeymoon registries, but we gave each of those couples more than we had planned2 because the excursions they wanted to take looked incredible3 and we wanted them to have an amazing time. They all had an wonderful time on their honeymoons and two of the three sent us pictures of them enjoying the excursions we had gifted along with their thank you card4.

We're planning to elope, so we won't need to worry about presents, so this if purely hypothetical. But... if we were having a traditional wedding I think I'd like something along the lines of a honeyfund. Not because we would need someone to pay for our vacation, but because we already have everything we need and if people gave us cash we'd just use it for the honeymoon anyway, or throw it into an investment. 

I'd rather look back in 20 years, going over the photos, and be able to say, "Oh, do you remember that helicopter tour that Jennie & Dave gave us? And do you remember that dinner at that incredible restaurant on the beach that your Aunt Suzie and Uncle Rob gave us?" Rather than have some cash in the bank or things that I don't need gathering dust in our storage space. But that's just me. :-)

For the record, we would just let a few close people know about it, so they could tell those who asked about a registry5, but it wouldn't be on the wedding website or publicly displayed. 

I know that this view isn't really accepted around here, but I wanted to share my two cents. :-)6

1. There is a huge, stickied thread about this.  Please read it.  I believe it's in the "Registry and Gifts" board (regs please correct me if I'm wrong).

2. It's good you gave them more than planned since there was likely a service fee involved so it isn't like they got the full amount that you gave.

3. I would never consider a honeyfund, so maybe I'm wrong, but my understanding is that the whole buying excursions thing is an illusion.  In fact, the couple just gets one lump sum check--minus fees, of course.

4. HM pics with a TY note?  I mean I'm glad they wrote them, but it is not proper etiquette to hold out on TY notes because you want pictures in them (there was a thread about this recently).

5. Spreading the word is still not okay.  You're still asking people to give you money, you're just having someone else do the work for you.

This is a really dumb argument. I went on my honeymoon less than 24 hours after my wedding. I started some of my thank you cards on the plane, but it's not like I had them all done and sent before I got back 5 days later. It would be very easy for me to take my memory card, go to CVS and print out some pics of our excursions and stick them into my thank you cards that I'm still working on writing. There's no *holding* on to anything. It's not the same as waiting for your photographer so you can make a special snowflake photo thank you card.

That's a good point that I actually wasn't thinking about.  Probably shouldn't knot before coffee.  My bad  

Also, I think points are usually better made without incendiary words.  I am not dumb.  I know that's not exactly what you said, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.

ashleyep

lurkergirl said:

That's a good point that I actually wasn't thinking about.  Probably shouldn't knot before coffee.  My bad  

Also, I think points are usually better made without incendiary words.  I am not dumb.  I know that's not exactly what you said, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.

You're right, I apologize! I'll edit my post.

ETA: But to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that *you* were dumb.

ashleyep

flantastic said:

ashleyep said:

lurkergirl said:

frap33 said:

I know that I'm in the minority here, but aside from the processing fees. I don't see what the harm is with having a honeyfund.1

We've only been to three weddings where they've had honeymoon registries, but we gave each of those couples more than we had planned2 because the excursions they wanted to take looked incredible3 and we wanted them to have an amazing time. They all had an wonderful time on their honeymoons and two of the three sent us pictures of them enjoying the excursions we had gifted along with their thank you card4.

We're planning to elope, so we won't need to worry about presents, so this if purely hypothetical. But... if we were having a traditional wedding I think I'd like something along the lines of a honeyfund. Not because we would need someone to pay for our vacation, but because we already have everything we need and if people gave us cash we'd just use it for the honeymoon anyway, or throw it into an investment. 

I'd rather look back in 20 years, going over the photos, and be able to say, "Oh, do you remember that helicopter tour that Jennie & Dave gave us? And do you remember that dinner at that incredible restaurant on the beach that your Aunt Suzie and Uncle Rob gave us?" Rather than have some cash in the bank or things that I don't need gathering dust in our storage space. But that's just me. :-)

For the record, we would just let a few close people know about it, so they could tell those who asked about a registry5, but it wouldn't be on the wedding website or publicly displayed. 

I know that this view isn't really accepted around here, but I wanted to share my two cents. :-)6

1. There is a huge, stickied thread about this.  Please read it.  I believe it's in the "Registry and Gifts" board (regs please correct me if I'm wrong).

2. It's good you gave them more than planned since there was likely a service fee involved so it isn't like they got the full amount that you gave.

3. I would never consider a honeyfund, so maybe I'm wrong, but my understanding is that the whole buying excursions thing is an illusion.  In fact, the couple just gets one lump sum check--minus fees, of course.

4. HM pics with a TY note?  I mean I'm glad they wrote them, but it is not proper etiquette to hold out on TY notes because you want pictures in them (there was a thread about this recently).

5. Spreading the word is still not okay.  You're still asking people to give you money, you're just having someone else do the work for you.

This is a really dumb argument. I went on my honeymoon less than 24 hours after my wedding. I started some of my thank you cards on the plane, but it's not like I had them all done and sent before I got back 5 days later. It would be very easy for me to take my memory card, go to CVS and print out some pics of our excursions and stick them into my thank you cards that I'm still working on writing. There's no *holding* on to anything. It's not the same as waiting for your photographer so you can make a special snowflake photo thank you card.

In my experience, most of the people who ask about this are not the ones taking a single-week HM immediately after their wedding, and they usually want to incorporate it into something like a Shutterfly photo card, which adds printing time. Typically, also, unless they're your immediate family, no one cares about the picture and won't keep it. Just write a note and send it.

Sure, it's not the point you should lead with when discussing this, but it is a valid point in many cases.

Now I'm just being pedantic, so I apologize, but can you even order just one shutterfly photo card? If I were to donate to a honeyfund - which I would never do - I like the idea of including a printed photo in the thank you card. At least you're showing that you actually did it rather than just pocket the money, and it doesn't really take any time to do print them at home or at CVS. I probably wouldn't keep it, but it's not a horrible gesture.

I definitely would advise NOT making a montage photo card on shutterfly with all of your excursions on it.

lurkergirl

ashleyep said:

lurkergirl said:

That's a good point that I actually wasn't thinking about.  Probably shouldn't knot before coffee.  My bad  

Also, I think points are usually better made without incendiary words.  I am not dumb.  I know that's not exactly what you said, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.

You're right, I apologize! I'll edit my post.

ETA: But to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that *you* were dumb.

Nah, no need to edit.  I know that's not what you meant.  It's all good.