Fiancé dead set on a Honeyfund

melissamusic

I've learned from here that Honeyfunds are a faux-pas, and although I don't personally mind them ( I like buying Honeyfund gifts for friends' weddings!), I'd really rather not have one at mine. I'm just too worried that someone will judge me. My fiancé is completely set on having one, though. Like, non-negotiable. I've tried every way to convince him (including telling him that some people will probably still give us cash anyway and finally just asking him to pretty please just do it for me), and it's a no-go. I suppose this isn't really a question, because the issue is no longer even up for discussion, but...I dunno. Just thought I'd share.

sarawifenow

I agree with PPs. Maybe show him the fees involved with honeyfund. If not, send him here! We will straighten him out for you!

melissamusic

Mentioning the fees is a good idea! Sending him here wouldn't help though. When he found out I was getting my information from an internet message board, it did not exactly help my case

JaxInBlue

Absolutely agree with PPs.  I had a colleague ask my opinion of honeymoon funds in general, and while I tried to be pragmatic is my opposition to them (seems weird to ask someone to pay for my vacation, want to know before we travel, can't buy actual experiences, etc.), it was my "and we really didn't want to lose out on a percentage of what our guests felt like giving!"  that won him over on not having one. 

I'd present not having one as a way to make money since you will get the whole amount of a guest's gift.  And I'd remind him it's perfectly acceptable to not registry for something else as an alternative, and to spread the word through family/friends/known gossips that people who ask what to get you can be told that you are saving for your honeymoon.

abbyj700

The fees would be the best way with my other half- so I echo that thought. 

Do you not have the money to take a honeymoon after the expense of a wedding? Or is he just looking to save the money off of what you already have planned?

Maggie0829

martha1818 said:

"Fi, I will NOT be begging for money from our guests that we are hosting. End of discussion."

Done.  

This.

PrettyGirlLost

melissamusic said:

Mentioning the fees is a good idea! Sending him here wouldn't help though. When he found out I was getting my information from an internet message board, it did not exactly help my case

We are a forum of women and men of all ages, from all over the world, from all walks of life. . . that's a pretty good, unofficial sampling of people.  And if the majority of us are saying that Honeyfunds are rude and tacky, and you will silently be judged negatively for having one, then your FI better belief that some, if not many, of his actual friends and family will agree with us and think he is very gauche.

Show him these comments.

Pellegcm

My FI and I were debating a honeyfund when we were deciding about registries. The minute I told him that the companies took a cut of the gifts he said absolutely not, and I agreed. I also personally don't mind honeyfunds, though after I learned about the cut I simply send the couple the money directly instead.

misshart00

Does he understand how they work? I find that most people who love the idea don't know that it's just cash minus a fee.

photokitty

Here is my personal experience...it's canned response I C&P over and over again :-p

***************************************************************************************************************

We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use HM registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. You you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion. 

But I have good news  

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-) 

 A HM is not polite, sorry. There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). GL!

Liatris2010

MIss Manners is the modern day etiquette guru. She says no. Your mothers will probably agree. I know my mother would be livid if I was asking her friends for money via website.

manateehugger

I'd ask why does he want to give away 6% of your money to a corporation designed to decieve people out of money?

melissamusic

abbyj700 said:

The fees would be the best way with my other half- so I echo that thought. 

Do you not have the money to take a honeymoon after the expense of a wedding? Or is he just looking to save the money off of what you already have planned?

Door #2

twitterbird

Tell him about the fees. People will give you money without asking for it. You'll get the whole amount that way.

melissamusic

Maggie0829 said:

martha1818 said:

"Fi, I will NOT be begging for money from our guests that we are hosting. End of discussion."

Done.  

This.

Haha, it's satisfying to think about, but that 's just not my personality.

Liatris2010

Also the misleading is really worrisome. Guests think they are buying you a romantic dinner for two, and that is why they are paying a fee, because someone has to set that up. I would be fine with paying a fee for a service like that. But with a honey fund you are not getting that at all. You are just getting a check. I would be upset about being misled about where my money was going. Why would I pay for someone to write a check on my behalf when I can write a check for free?

JellyBean52513

Why does he want a Honeyfund so bad? Figure out the root of his unbreakable desire to have a Honeyfund, and address that issue directly.

FI: "I don't feel like paying for the honeymoon if we have this totally perfect option to have others contribute to it.
You: "You do realize how immature and irresponsible it makes us look to have to ask other people to pay for OUR vacation, right? Our honeymoon is not a charity and I refuse to let people think we're so broke that we can't afford our honeymoon on our own."

FI: "I talked to all of my friends and they think the idea of a Honeyfund is way better than going shopping in a store for something off a registry."
You: "Well your friends can just give cash to us directly then. Honeyfund takes a percentage from each donation, so we don't even get the full amount of what they're giving us."

FI: "But look, they can buy us excursions and activities to do, so we don't have to pay for those things.
You: "Actually, the company just gives us a check for an amount after they take their cut. If we want to do extra things, we're going to pay for it ourselves."

FI: "I don't care what you say, the discussion is closed, we're having a Honeyfund."
You: "Well, doing something that makes us look like tacky, rude, broke people is absolutely not up for consideration so if this is the hill you want to die on, I'd think long & hard about that because I'm not interested in letting you make decisions for me that make me look bad. We'll be having a whoooole new discussion if that's the road you wanna go down."

Those are my personal suggestions for how to handle this with your FI. Seriously, don't let him tell you he's putting foot down on something that's so ridiculous and not worth putting before his future wife's comfort.

MegEn1

My FI is sold on a honey-fund too, but the next time it comes up I intend to inform him about the fees. I have zero concerns - he will drop the issue like a bad habit, and likely bad-mouth honeyfunds for the rest of his days.

sarawifenow

I guess the question now is what are you comfortable saying to him? If my FI told me that we were doing something and that it wasn't up for discussion, we would be having serious issues. You are a team and he does not get to solely make decisions that will affect you both.

Maggie0829

Provide him with numbers.  Say the fee is 5%.  Tell him that if guests were to give $2000 to your honeyfund that you would be giving up $100 to the website just for them to send you a check in the mail.  I don't know about you but $100 is a huge delivery fee to get a check.

melissamusic

martha1818 said:

melissamusic said:

Maggie0829 said:

martha1818 said:

"Fi, I will NOT be begging for money from our guests that we are hosting. End of discussion."

Done.  

This.

Haha, it's satisfying to think about, but that 's just not my personality.

It has nothing to do with someone's "personality," it's called standing your ground on properly hosting your guests and not pandhandling.

Well, it kinda does have to do with personality. Putting my foot down and saying "end of discussion" is something I never do. I prefer to try to convince the other person of the logic of my position, and failing that, either keep my mouth shut or, if it's really important, to ask them to do it as a favor. But just laying down the law and saying "this is how it's gonna be" just isn't me.

manateehugger

melissamusic said:

martha1818 said:

melissamusic said:

Maggie0829 said:

martha1818 said:

"Fi, I will NOT be begging for money from our guests that we are hosting. End of discussion."

Done.  

This.

Haha, it's satisfying to think about, but that 's just not my personality.

It has nothing to do with someone's "personality," it's called standing your ground on properly hosting your guests and not pandhandling.

Well, it kinda does have to do with personality. Putting my foot down and saying "end of discussion" is something I never do. I prefer to try to convince the other person of the logic of my position, and failing that, either keep my mouth shut or, if it's really important, to ask them to do it as a favor. But just laying down the law and saying "this is how it's gonna be" just isn't me.

I'm not a fan of laying down as opposed to trying to have a discussion, but your FI is trying to lay down the law with you. If you go round and round with the logic and points on the ridiculousness of honeyfunds (seriously, etiquette issues aside, they are such a financially stupid option) and he's still not convinced, you're at an impasse. At which point, if he's going to be telling you, "Nope, we're doing one," I'd be laying down the law right back. 

melissamusic

I suppose it's just not the hill I choose to die on. It's important to me to not have a Honeyfund, yes, but not as important as my relationship. I'll use the fee suggestion, though! Can't believe I didn't think of that before!

sarawifenow

melissamusic said:

I suppose it's just not the hill I choose to die on. It's important to me to not have a Honeyfund, yes, but not as important as my relationship. I'll use the fee suggestion, though! Can't believe I didn't think of that before!

But are you willing to have your FI lay down the law on things you prefer not to do throughout your whole marriage?

You are going to be judged just as heavily as your FI by your guests for the honeyfund. I don't think it is fair that he is willing to have people think you are rude and tacky simply because he wants to ensure that he gets cash gifts.

Liatris2010

I don't think you need an ultimatum. Unless he is a jerk, he should understand, "I am not comfortable with a honeymoon registry for these reasons and would be very embarrassed to have one."

I love birthday hats, my husband finds them humiliating. I do not force him to wear them even though I think they are awesome and fun because he feels embarrassed by them. I think being embarrassed by a hat is stupid, but since I am not a jerk, I don't push the issue.

manateehugger

melissamusic said:

I suppose it's just not the hill I choose to die on. It's important to me to not have a Honeyfund, yes, but not as important as my relationship. I'll use the fee suggestion, though! Can't believe I didn't think of that before!

I obviously know nothing about your relationship, but if I were you, I'd be getting upset that my H was being so inconsiderate of my feelings over something like getting money from loved ones via a deceptive website. 

It feels like he's choosing his desire for money through a website over his concern for your feelings. Doesn't seem fair or appropriate. I don't know. I'd be really upset with H for pushing back at me over something like wanting money from other people. 

melissamusic

SaraBrideSoon said:

melissamusic said:

I suppose it's just not the hill I choose to die on. It's important to me to not have a Honeyfund, yes, but not as important as my relationship. I'll use the fee suggestion, though! Can't believe I didn't think of that before!

But are you willing to have your FI lay down the law on things you prefer not to do throughout your whole marriage?

You are going to be judged just as heavily as your FI by your guests for the honeyfund. I don't think it is fair that he is willing to have people think you are rude and tacky simply because he wants to ensure that he gets cash gifts.

The trouble is, he doesn't believe that people will judge. That's what I most wish I could convince him.

PrettyGirlLost

SaraBrideSoon said:

melissamusic said:

I suppose it's just not the hill I choose to die on. It's important to me to not have a Honeyfund, yes, but not as important as my relationship. I'll use the fee suggestion, though! Can't believe I didn't think of that before!

But are you willing to have your FI lay down the law on things you prefer not to do throughout your whole marriage?

You are going to be judged just as heavily as your FI by your guests for the honeyfund. I don't think it is fair that he is willing to have people think you are rude and tacky simply because he wants to ensure that he gets cash gifts.

This.  You need to have a discussion about this.  You need to understand what his logic is for wanting a Honeyfund, and then refute whatever that logic is in a calm and straightforward manner.  And you also need to tell him that no matter what he believes, your guests will judge you both negatively for being so gauche as to register for cash.  If he refuses to seek a compromise with you, then you do have a hill you need to be willing to die on. . . the hill of "No one should be allowed to make unilateral decisions" hill.

manateehugger said:

melissamusic said:

I suppose it's just not the hill I choose to die on. It's important to me to not have a Honeyfund, yes, but not as important as my relationship. I'll use the fee suggestion, though! Can't believe I didn't think of that before!

I obviously know nothing about your relationship, but if I were you, I'd be getting upset that my H was being so inconsiderate of my feelings over something like getting money from loved ones via a deceptive website. 

It feels like he's choosing his desire for money through a website over his concern for your feelings. Doesn't seem fair or appropriate. I don't know. I'd be really upset with H for pushing back at me over something like wanting money from other people. 

Peaseblossom55

H wanted a honeyfund at one point, (we paid for the honeymoon but for some of the excursions). I showed him the website and mentioned we just get a check and that the website gets a percentage.  Once I showed him that he agreed it wasn't worth it but it did take some convincing on top of the fact that it's just plain tacky.

holyguacamole79

Seriously.  There are fees.  DH & I got ~ $1500 in cash / checks for our wedding.  Had people gone through honeyfund, we would have lost around $75.  Not cool.  People know that cash is an option as a wedding gift.

melissamusic

I must admit, you ladies are making me feel better. I should have a say in this! Not that I'll actually act on that feeling, but still.