Smoking

bethsmiles

Is this how he usually behaves when the two of you have an argument?

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is ready to quit. So I think you've come to the point where you need to decide if smoking truly is a deal-breaker and if it is, pack your bags.

phira

LabLove86 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

He thinks I'm overreacting. He said he had one cigarette in the afternoon. He said if he had been smoking all day, or if we were in a crowded room full of smoke, that he could understand that. He also says things like, "it's not like you caught me cheating or texting another girl. It's just one cigarette." Then he also said that he's having one tomorrow. "There's your heads up!" He says to me

So take this understanding that I only know of him what I've read here - but this particularly tells me that he's a dicknoodle. Or acting like one in this situation. 

I agree. High dicknoodle alert.

hellosweetie1015

Yeah - see, this is telling me more that he's not just smoking one occasionally. He's being a huge dicknoodle (I'm a fan of that one, thanks!) about it. 

If smoking is really a dealbreaker for you, then maybe you need to stick by that. Pack your bag and tell him to call when he's got his ducks in a row. If he's willing to lose you forever over a damn smokestick, he doesn't deserve you - coming from a smoker, if my FI told me that smoking was a dealbreaker all of a sudden I'd find a way to quit.

ETA or you could just spray him down with the most rancid-smelling febreze you can find when he walks in the door tomorrow. I mean, if you wanna fight fire with fire. (Don't take that advice. It's very poor advice, but it's something I'd probably do in a fight.)

lyndausvi

What a strange reaction?  I have to wonder if there are other underlying issues where he feels you are controlling him?   Some people take up smoking, will over or under eat or something similar to have control, because they feel they have lost control in the aspects of their life.

IDK, his attitude to me says he feels like he is losing control of something and feels smoking as something he can control.  

theartistformerlyknownas

He's behaving like a child licking all the cookies after being told he can only have one.

Or, ya know, a dicknoodle with shitbag sauce. Hope he enjoys the smoking rooms at Motel 6 where he'll be sleeping tomorrow.

southernbelle0915

He sounds like an ass honestly. What's a deal breaker for him? Let's say you did that thing, lied to him about it and then basically said "Yea I lied to you...stop controlling me. Oh it's a deal breaker? Well, I'm doing it tomorrow, too!" How would he feel? I agree with @AddieCake‌. Is this a deal breaker or not? I know @zitiqueen‌'s comment pissed you off, but the definition of a deal breaker is that you'd break off the engagement if X happens. Well it did and he told you it will keep happening. So is it a deal breaker or not?

Sugargirl1019

Uh oh. It sounds like he's trying to upset you.

Because this would REALLY upset me.

What does he say when you ask why he feels the need to smoke tomorrow?

Storytime: I had an ex who I found out was drinking (underage) and he would text me and say Omg I'm so drunkkk , and I had another drink tonight. he knew i was really against underage drinking. He would do it to get a rise out of me. Hence an ex.

DH - when we first started dating at 19, I found out that he had a drink at a party. I was very against underage drinking. I smelled it and he lied to me saying he didn't. So, I told him I'm breaking up with him and I'm serious about this no drinking underage thing, and I hate his lying. He came crawling back with flowers and a handwritten apology letter for the lying and he told me that he respects my wishes, however strange and against a college guys desires. Hence, I married the man six years later.

decembergrl2014

@lyndausvi‌ - he is under a lot of pressure. He works 3 jobs, one as an assistant principal in a special Ed district, and he also teaches night classes at 2 colleges. He does work very hard and at times, gets home late. He has his outlets, like playing bass in a band with his friends and goes to the gym. His kids come on the weekends, and his relationship with his ex goes back and forth. (Don't get me started on her! LOL!) I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I'm really just stating the facts. I think he feels like there's not much control in his life, and he's trying to gain it by choosing to smoke. Stupid, yes! I'm hoping that he really won't have a cigarette tomorrow, and that it was just the stress talking.

beethery

decembergrl2014 said:

@lyndausvi‌ - he is under a lot of pressure. He works 3 jobs, one as an assistant principal in a special Ed district, and he also teaches night classes at 2 colleges. He does work very hard and at times, gets home late.

He has his outlets, like playing bass in a band with his friends and goes to the gym. His kids come on the weekends, and his relationship with his ex goes back and forth. (Don't get me started on her! LOL!)

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I'm really just stating the facts. I think he feels like there's not much control in his life, and he's trying to gain it by choosing to smoke. Stupid, yes! I'm hoping that he really won't have a cigarette tomorrow, and that it was just the stress talking.

Naw girl. Being an immature douche to his future wife is not a good sign if that's his way of having control over his life.

levioosa

beethery said:

@lyndausvi‌ - he is under a lot of pressure. He works 3 jobs, one as an assistant principal in a special Ed district, and he also teaches night classes at 2 colleges. He does work very hard and at times, gets home late. He has his outlets, like playing bass in a band with his friends and goes to the gym. His kids come on the weekends, and his relationship with his ex goes back and forth. (Don't get me started on her! LOL!) I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I'm really just stating the facts. I think he feels like there's not much control in his life, and he's trying to gain it by choosing to smoke. Stupid, yes! I'm hoping that he really won't have a cigarette tomorrow, and that it was just the stress talking.

Naw girl. Being an immature douche to his future wife is not a good sign if that's his way of having control over his life.

Truth.

Life is stressful for everyone.  That does not give him the right to treat you like shit and blame you for everything he can't control. 

Out of curiosity, when things go wrong in his life, does he take responsibility, or is he constantly blaming others for the bad things that happen?  

decembergrl2014

I agree. I gave it to him hard last night. I told him that he has to accept responsibility for his actions and to not blame everyone else. I also said to him, "Look around you. Your relationship with me is in the shitter. Your relationship with your ex wife is in the shitter. Your kids only want to see you when you bribe them with a toy! You have no where to go! (We live in my house. I bought it before he and I met, and his ex wife lives in the house they bought when they were still married with the 3 kids.) No one wants you around right now, and that's everyone else's fault??!! You need to be a man and accept responsibility for your actions, because at the rate you're going, it's just going to be you and your cigarettes!"

STARMOON44

decembergrl2014 said:

I agree. I gave it to him hard last night. I told him that he has to accept responsibility for his actions and to not blame everyone else. I also said to him, "Look around you. Your relationship with me is in the shitter. Your relationship with your ex wife is in the shitter. Your kids only want to see you when you bribe them with a toy! You have no where to go! (We live in my house. I bought it before he and I met, and his ex wife lives in the house they bought when they were still married with the 3 kids.) No one wants you around right now, and that's everyone else's fault??!! You need to be a man and accept responsibility for your actions, because at the rate you're going, it's just going to be you and your cigarettes!"

What the hell?!? That's just no way to be speaking to someone you love. "You have no where to go!" Look, I get that you're upset. I would be too. But it sounds like you both need some professional help learning how to communicate and disagree in a loving and compassionate way.

melbenso

I don't know that you are being "controlling," but quitting smoking - especially for someone else - is very, very difficult. My husband's father died of lung cancer.  He hates smoking for very personal reasons.  When we met, I was a smoker.  I tried to quit several times "for him."  Quitting because he wanted me to never worked.  Ever.  I'd bum cigarettes from people and eventually start buying them again.  I had to be ready to quit.  Eventually, I was.  And that time it stuck.  Be patient with him.  At a time when you are not arguing about it (and the conversation isn't likely to start an argument) ask him why he smokes, whether he wants to keep smoking, and what you can do to support him quitting when he's ready. 

If he is interested in quitting, he will get there eventually.  But it's hard.  Really hard.  And there is no one way that will work for everyone.  I have several friends who swore by Chantix.  But it didn't work for me.  As soon as I went off the medicine, it was an excuse to start smoking again.  (For me, the addiction is mostly psychological, very little of it is about the nicotene.)  Cold turkey is the only thing that worked for me.  When I finally did quit, I also bought a book that helped.  It's called "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking" by Allen Carr.  It's not a miracle worker and it won't make someone want to quit.  But if someone is ready to quit, it helps change the wya you think about smoking and make it easier to get through those hardest few weeks until not smoking becomes the habit instead.

southernbelle0915

STARMOON44 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

I agree. I gave it to him hard last night. I told him that he has to accept responsibility for his actions and to not blame everyone else. I also said to him, "Look around you. Your relationship with me is in the shitter. Your relationship with your ex wife is in the shitter. Your kids only want to see you when you bribe them with a toy! You have no where to go! (We live in my house. I bought it before he and I met, and his ex wife lives in the house they bought when they were still married with the 3 kids.) No one wants you around right now, and that's everyone else's fault??!! You need to be a man and accept responsibility for your actions, because at the rate you're going, it's just going to be you and your cigarettes!"

What the hell?!? That's just no way to be speaking to someone you love. "You have no where to go!" Look, I get that you're upset. I would be too. But it sounds like you both need some professional help learning how to communicate and disagree in a loving and compassionate way.

So much this.

So he's like "I do what I want whether you like it or not!" And you're like "oh yea? Well you're nothing without me. I have the upper hand, so take that!"

That is such an unhealthy way to communicate and its not sustainable in the long run. You'll both feel disrespected and never really resolved on issues until they boil over. Then you're really in trouble.

Postpone the wedding and seek counseling together.

decembergrl2014

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times. We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

theartistformerlyknownas

decembergrl2014 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times.

We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

It sounds like you are both holding onto way too much bitterness and resentment over your past relationships. Pushing people away is an effective way to keep from getting hurt... because you'll be alone.

lacqueredlover

1.  You make empty threats.  Saying "we are done if you smoke:" and then twice now NOT following through on that makes it no longer a threat to him.  No wonder he doesn't take it seriously because twice now, you've proven that you will forgive rather than stick to your convictions.

2.  Stop comparing your former marriage to him and his former marriage to you.  My fiance was married before.  We NEVER bring that up in a fight or argument or a conversation on how to be treated.  Because the past is the past.  Your exes are your exes and have exactly ZERO bearing on your current relationship.  If you can't move on from being treated badly by your ex and are projecting that onto your fiance, that's a big problem.

3.  You NEVER bring up his kids in an argument.  That's just shitty.  Those are going to be your stepkids and if they ever hear you talking about how their father has to bribe them to spend time with them, well you're setting up his relationship with them and your relationship with them to fail.

4.  Honestly, you guys need couples counseling.  The fact that you speak to your fiance with such venom and to tell him that no one wants him around and the fact that as a grown man he feels the need to hide things from you, well you guys clearly don't trust, respect or even seem to like each other.  I think that getting a professional to mediate will be immensely helpful.

climbingsingle

decembergrl2014 said:

I agree. I gave it to him hard last night. I told him that he has to accept responsibility for his actions and to not blame everyone else. I also said to him, "Look around you. Your relationship with me is in the shitter. Your relationship with your ex wife is in the shitter. Your kids only want to see you when you bribe them with a toy! You have no where to go! (We live in my house. I bought it before he and I met, and his ex wife lives in the house they bought when they were still married with the 3 kids.) No one wants you around right now, and that's everyone else's fault??!! You need to be a man and accept responsibility for your actions, because at the rate you're going, it's just going to be you and your cigarettes!"

Holy shit. That was totally over the line. That's not how you treat someone you love. You really hit below the belt, especially bringing up his kids. WOW. I don't even know what to say to you. 

climbingsingle

decembergrl2014 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times. We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

There's a big difference between sticking up for yourself and shitting all over someone. You made empty threats, honestly, and I can't be shocked at his reaction. 

lyndausvi

lolo883 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times. We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

It sounds like you are both holding onto way too much bitterness and resentment over your past relationships. Pushing people away is an effective way to keep from getting hurt... because you'll be alone.

ding, ding, ding.

Some people are just general assholes.  Some people have a change in behavior when life get tough.   I'm not trying to make excuses, but it does happen and often professional help is in order to get to the route of the real problem. 

After you last response I'm not convinced smoking is the route of the problem.  Neither one of you seem to know how to communicate.    Damn if my husband told me I suck as a mother, suck an ex-wife and are nothing without him I would be smoking too.   You already think I suck, might as well add smoking to the list?

This seems way more than smoking.   If you really think that way about him what do you even want to be with such a loser?

He might really been an asshole.  

Or he is just acting out because life is too hard.  Let's face it, some people can deal with life's ups and downs better than others. It's not an excuse to be an ass, but if you really love him you would want to get to the route of why he has suddenly changed.  

Or because you were a doormat in your last relationship you have become controlling to him because you didn't have control in the last relationship. 

Whatever the case you all need professional help to get to the route of the problem.

novella1186

I've been lurking on this thread because I could initially relate to your issue. FI was a smoker before we met and I hate smoking. Right after we started dating he quit cold turkey. I told him not to quit on my account, but he insisted that he had been wanting to quit for a long time, he was doing it for himself, and the fact that I hate smoking was just the little push he needed in the right direction. About 6 months later, we were out with friends and one of them went outside to smoke. FI asked me if I would get mad if he went out too and bummed a cigarette. I told him I'm not his mom, not his boss, and it's not my job to tell him what to do. He's an adult and can do whatever he wants. 

I was fine with him having a cigarette every so often when we were out drinking. A couple months ago I found out that he also has a cigarette every so often at work-- his coworker accidentally busted him out for that. I was initially mad because I hadn't known about that, but he pointed out that I was fine with him smoking when we went out for drinks, so I can't arbitrarily be mad about him smoking in a different setting, and he hadn't lied to me about it. He just didn't call me each time to say "hey babe, I'm stressed out work and I'm going outside to smoke, ok? Just wanted you to know." Again, he's an adult, and I have no desire to keep tabs on him. 

After that, though, we had a very open and honest discussion about our boundaries and expectations. I made it clear that I was concerned about his health, and didn't want to be married to someone who smokes a pack a day. He made it clear that he has no desire to start smoking on a regular basis, and has just been very stressed with work, but he still wants to quit 100%. He's just not ready to do that yet. And if he doesn't feel ready to quit 100% yet, then I can't force him. All I can do is support him when he needs me to. He doesn't sneak around, and he doesn't hide it from me. 

So initially, I could understand your situation and why you'd be upset/hurt that your FI is smoking and lying about it. What really bothered me, though, is the fact that for you it causes migraines. If that happened to me, and my FI was well aware of it, I would not have been so understanding that he's having a hard time quitting. I would have to put my foot down and say that I refuse to suffer from migraines because of his bad habit. I mean, that's a matter of health, and that's serious. I've had migraines and they're fucking atrocious. 

It made me more worried that he's turning this around on you and calling you controlling, and he seems to be acting like a dick about the whole issue. He should have more concern for you and your health than that, and he should acknowledge and respect your wishes on serious issues/deal breakers. I don't know if this is the way he always behaves with disagreements or whatever, but to be blunt he sounds like an immature asshole. 

However, you sound like you were kind of an immature asshole too when you told him he had no where to go, and that his kids don't want to be around him. That was nasty of you. Maybe the reason this smoking conflict isn't getting resolved is because you're not approaching it in a healthy way. Maybe the way you attack him makes him automatically jump to getting super defensive and pissed off, rather than sitting down and calmly saying "this is where we're at with this issue, so where do we each want to go from here, and how do we make that happen?" If my FI said the things to me that you said to your FI, I would be extremely hurt and defensive too, and I quite frankly wouldn't give a fuck about quitting a habit in order to please you. 

I think this issue goes beyond him sneaking around and goes beyond his smoking. I agree with PPs, you might want to go to couples counseling just to work on how you deal with conflicts and disagreements. I feel like you were both wrong here, in some aspects, and you were both hurtful and nasty to each other, and that's no way to go through life. Best of luck. 

KatieinBkln

decembergrl2014 said:

I agree. I gave it to him hard last night. I told him that he has to accept responsibility for his actions and to not blame everyone else. I also said to him, "Look around you. Your relationship with me is in the shitter. Your relationship with your ex wife is in the shitter. Your kids only want to see you when you bribe them with a toy! You have no where to go! (We live in my house. I bought it before he and I met, and his ex wife lives in the house they bought when they were still married with the 3 kids.) No one wants you around right now, and that's everyone else's fault??!! You need to be a man and accept responsibility for your actions, because at the rate you're going, it's just going to be you and your cigarettes!"

Yikes.

If I recall, one of your earlier posts on this board was about the fact that he had started treating you differently once you became engaged, and didn't like that you were more independent than his first wife, correct? (I might be confusing you with someone else, if so please let me know!)

That thread had communication problems for days, and this one is starting to sound the same. It isn't the smoking, it isn't his jobs, it isn't the stepkids, it isn't the stress. It's the communication, which both of you will need to work on if this is going to work. There is a way to "fight fair" and this? Ain't it.

holyguacamole79

decembergrl2014 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times. We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

Let me ask this again.  Did ANY of these feelings come up during your marriage prep?  Did you spend ANY individualized time with a priest / deacon / counselor reviewing your FOCCUS results? 

You two REALLY need to have a neutral 3rd party counselor help you talk through this situation.

esstee33

decembergrl2014 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat like I was in my first marriage. He needs to know and understand that actions have consequences, and that I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected. I've offered to compromise twice in this situation, and he's been resistant both times. We'll see what happens when he comes home from work.

So you're showing him you won't tolerate being disrespected by... disrespecting him? You're both acting like children here. You seriously need to postpone the wedding and get counseling to learn how to communicate with one another like adults. 

decembergrl2014

@KatieinBkln‌...no that was someone else. @holyguacamole79‌...no and no. It was all group sessions. The only one on one time we spent was with each other going over our answers and discussing them. No one on one time with any leaders.

theartistformerlyknownas

decembergrl2014 said:

@KatieinBkln‌...no that was someone else. @holyguacamole79‌...no and no. It was all group sessions. The only one on one time we spent was with each other going over our answers and discussing them. No one on one time with any leaders.

You really need to speak with someone personally. We can only go off what you tell us, so we only have half the story. We do have enough to see that you are NOT communicating effectively with each other. Whether he had legitimate reasons to be lashing out against your controlling behavior, whether you have legitimate reasons not to trust him, we can't help with that. Being open and honest with a third party together should help you to identify and fix the times you're projecting past bad experiences onto each other, or repeating bad learned behaviors/coping strategies that you should really let go of. I would NOT get married until and unless you figure this out.

holyguacamole79

@decembergrl2014, I'm ragey for you.  That's what marriage prep should really be like - getting a chance to get to know the couple and identifying potential issues and how to handle them eventually.  We spent at least 5 sessions with the deacon preparing us and another 5 sessions with our sponsor couple.  For all of those sessions, we were the only couple involved.

H and I recently met a priest who used to serve on a tribunal.  He was telling us that so many of the issues he saw brought up in annulments were identified during pre-Cana, but never really discussed. 

Do you have anyone you could ask to be a neutral 3rd party mediator to work this out between y'all?

KatieinBkln

decembergrl2014 said:

@KatieinBkln‌...no that was someone else. @holyguacamole79‌...no and no. It was all group sessions. The only one on one time we spent was with each other going over our answers and discussing them. No one on one time with any leaders.

Ah, I was thinking of this set of threads: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1039247/torn-update/p1

But my thesis stands--the two of you aren't communicating effectively or kindly with each other.

decembergrl2014

@KatieinBkln‌...that was me. That was about me being caught between him and a friend of mine. That issue was resolved between FI and I, and my friend has been invited to the wedding (if it still happens).

decembergrl2014

@holyguacamole79‌...I have contacted my old therapist to talk to. He had a cancelation, so I'm going to talk to him later today.