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Re: Smoking

  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @MobKaz I admit my knowledge is limited as well, but with e-cig liquids, I've been told you can taper yourself down to no nicotine, just flavor. I know there are nicotine-free flavors out there.
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  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    No, but like everyone else I'm entitled to express an opinion about a comment, and that's exactly what I did!

    If you are then she is too.
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Before the other night the last time he did this was a year ago. Some people responded to me about suggesting the e cigarette to him. I think that's a good compromise, and he says he's willing to do that! :-) He can still "smoke" to help with stress, and I won't have to worry about another migraine trigger. The real cigarettes though will always be a non negotiable with me.
    If he's only smoked two times in the past year and he's not addicted, why can't he just find some other alternative to relieve his stress?  I certainly wouldn't start e-cigarrettes as a compromise.
    AddieCake
  • @scribe95‌...I agree. I spoke to him about it again last night. He has said repeatedly that Thursday night was the first time he's had a cigarette since last year. I told him that I was married to a liar once before, and I don't want to do it again.

    I then reminded him about the e cigarettes and my reasoning for compromising with that, reminding him that the real ones are off the table. He said he'd rather not smoke at all if that's the case. He said that he thinks the e cigarettes are expensive, (I've heard that they are), and that they're "fake shit". (His words, not mine).

    40 days until the wedding and I'm at a standstill. Combine that with other shit going on (sick parents, work shit) and I'm ready to explode!

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  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Again, it's really the deception that should bother you. There is no way he's being honest about only smoking twice and the fact that you caught him both times is a hilariously bad lie on his part. Smoking is an addiction, and although it's not necessarily the worst addiction he probably won't just stop because you threaten to leave him. You gotta make good on your threats if that's how you plan on solving the issue, or else this will keep happening (or continuously happen).

    I'm not a smoker (except at times when I drink), but smoking would not be a dealbreaker for me. What would be a dealbreaker is the LYING. LYING is a bigger concern. 
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    RebeccaB88doeydo
  • larrygaga said:
    Again, it's really the deception that should bother you. There is no way he's being honest about only smoking twice and the fact that you caught him both times is a hilariously bad lie on his part. Smoking is an addiction, and although it's not necessarily the worst addiction he probably won't just stop because you threaten to leave him. You gotta make good on your threats if that's how you plan on solving the issue, or else this will keep happening (or continuously happen).

    I'm not a smoker (except at times when I drink), but smoking would not be a dealbreaker for me. What would be a dealbreaker is the LYING. LYING is a bigger concern. 
    See, I agree that it's the lying/promise-breaking that's the concern rather than the smoking itself, but you're contradicting yourself with these two statements. If smoking was an absolute addiction and he couldn't possibly have only smoked those two times, you wouldn't be able to only smoke occasionally when you drink, because you must be too addicted, right? It IS possible that he only smoked twice in the last year and he very well could be TERRIBLE at hiding it and that's why he got caught so easily both times. My mom tried to hide her smoking for years - you CAN'T hide it. That shit smells so awful, no amount of Listerine or Halls or perfume could mask it. We all knew. 

    Personally, habitual smoking (whether it's every day or under certain circumstances, every time those circumstances arise) is a giant no for me, but very occasional smoking isn't. I can't tolerate the smell at ALL though. Every once in a very long while (like, three times since I've known him) H will have a cigar with his buddies. But it's only allowed outside, he puts his clothes immediately into the wash by themselves when he comes inside, and takes a shower before he tries to come near me or go to bed. That works for us. He doesn't have to hide it or lie about it (which would be a much bigger deal), it's not often enough that I'm worried about his health, and it's not habitual enough to be an addiction concern. He knows those are the terms and agrees to them without me looking like a dictator. Indulge if you must, but then follow the terms, and if it becomes a habit I WILL find out, and then we've got bigger fish to fry. 

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  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    I always just assumed I had super powers and nobody else does, therefore no addiction. You know?

    But for real, there are people who can smoke on occasion and be fine. However, she caught him both times he did it, so that makes me suspect that he actually smokes more than that. I mean, what are the chances?

    Unless he's getting caught on purpose. I guess it's possible that he did only smoke twice, in which case the lying is still the main concern.

    I'm really hungover and mostly talking out of my asscrack. 
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  • larrygaga said:
    I always just assumed I had super powers and nobody else does, therefore no addiction. You know?

    But for real, there are people who can smoke on occasion and be fine. However, she caught him both times he did it, so that makes me suspect that he actually smokes more than that. I mean, what are the chances?

    Unless he's getting caught on purpose. I guess it's possible that he did only smoke twice, in which case the lying is still the main concern.

    I'm really hungover and mostly talking out of my asscrack. 
    I mean, you do have super powers of general awesomeness. But most people aren't quite so lucky. ;)

    Maybe my super power is my sense of smell, but I find the chances pretty great that he'd get caught both times, especially if he's a particularly honest guy/bad liar. It's harder for me to believe that he could smoke and get away with it, unless he was out of town (which he might have been and I missed it, IDK, I may also be hungover). The smell is just too strong to hide; it's too much work.

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    AddieCakeLakeR2014
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ok, honestly...anyone who is smoking regularly in secret, you will be able to tell, because you'll be able to smell it on their clothes, hair, in their car, wherever they're doing it.  Can your migraines be triggered by just smoke on clothes or in a car?  Can you smell it on him?  In his car?  Can you honestly say no, you haven't noticed any of that, or have you had suspicions you're brushing off or making excuses for, like he was in a bar where others were smoking too, so that's why he smells like that? 

    If you marry him, and he's smoking, either  behind your back or in front of you, then it's not a dealbreaker at all.  And that means you were just as untruthful with him as he has been with you.

    Your decision.
  • Oh secondary question... in your OP, why does it matter that you were married to other people before? What does that have to do with anything?

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  • Just that he was smoking when he was married to his ex, and I was married to a liar.

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  • Just that he was smoking when he was married to his ex, and I was married to a liar.
    And an increase in murder rates correlate with an increase in ice cream consumption.

    You need to be honest with him and how you're feeling with all of this; smoking making you physically ill, the lying bringing up pain from a previous relationship, etc.  How close the wedding is is irrelevant.

    If smoking and lying are dealbreakers, act on it.  If they're really not, and they just make you extremely uncomfortable, let him  know where you stand.  (Dealbreaker =/= really dislike)

    If what you say is not consistent with your actions, it can cause some confusion.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I agree with LoLo. If he was smoking all the time, I believe she would be able to tell, seeing as how she could tell these 2 times.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I am so mad! I can't let it go! I even talked to him using @lolo883's agreement she has with her husband, thinking that he and I could do something similar. When I suggested it, he said that I was being controlling. I told him that being controlling is having a "my way or the highway attitude". I'm trying to compromise! He thinks I'm overreacting, and that it's not a big deal. Earlier he said to me, "You'd really break up with me over cigarettes? " Um... Yeah! You've known this was a deal breaker since day 1!

    It's like no matter what I do I can't get him to understand my side of this. It's like he and I are speaking different languages!

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, did this get discussed at all during your Pre Cana?
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited November 2014
    I also can believe that he has only done it twice.  Smokers often don't realize how much cigarette smoke lingers.  I can always tell when someone has tried to cover up their smoking.  


    ETA: I read the update.  That would frustrate me to, especially since this isn't just a preference, its a health issue.  Are you done with premarital counseling?  


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  • We did the PreCana over the summer. They talked a lot about things like, "your spouse comes first", and to let it go if an issue is over 48 hours old. I spoke to my mother about it too. She and my father have been married for 45 years. She also thinks I should just let it go, but I can't. This isn't about something minor like burning dinner or not taking out the trash. This is about him disrespecting something he has known THE ENTIRE TIME and then lying about it. Not only lying about it, but then trying to turn the around on me, like I'm overreacting. How can I just let that go??

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited November 2014
    So it sounds like this didn't come up when you reviewed your FOCCUS answers. That's a shame. Do you have a neutral 3Rd party who can help you two in this discussion? This a would be a deal breaker for me, personally. But you need to decide for yourself just how crucial this a is for you. It sounds like your Fi is not going to budge on his smoking. If you marry him knowing that, then you are accepting this about him,
    RebeccaB88
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    If you don't want to be married to someone who smokes, then don't marry him.

    Obviously, this isn't an easy decision to make, but it's not really a terribly complex issue.
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    RebeccaB88
  • Is this how he handles most disagreements?  By turning it on you and saying that you're being controlling?

    Or is this the only issue where he is not even seeing your side of things?

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2014
    I was briefly engaged to a man who had quit smoking.  He started smoking again, even though I had made it clear that I couldn't tolerate it.  It made it easier to end the relationship.  Never regretted that!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Nope, no suggestions. He says he feels like if he tells me when he has a cigarette then I'm controlling him. I told him just to give me a heads up, that way I can take some Excedrin to PREVENT the migraine. It's just been constant back and forth, butting heads about it.

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
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    I don't like that he thinks you not wanting him to smoke is controlling him, but it's ok for him to be in control of whether or not you get sick. It's dick of him to consciously do something he knows will cause you physical pain.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    RebeccaB88southernbelle0915levioosazitiqueen
  • Um no. You're not controlling him, you're controlling your health. That is your right. You get to control the smells and substances you're subjected to in your own damn breathing space, for crying out loud, especially if they're causing you pain.

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    holyguacamole79
  • He thinks I'm overreacting. He said he had one cigarette in the afternoon. He said if he had been smoking all day, or if we were in a crowded room full of smoke, that he could understand that. He also says things like, "it's not like you caught me cheating or texting another girl. It's just one cigarette." Then he also said that he's having one tomorrow. "There's your heads up!" He says to me

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    So he is already planning to have one tomorrow? Sounds to me like he has taken up smoking, and you need to decide if this really is a deal breaker for you or not.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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