Honeyfund at MOH's request

FuddleOnParade

I'm having an internal debate and would like to hear input.

I don't know if it matters but we're having a small, rather laid back wedding.  FI and I live together and have for over a year so we weren't planning on having a registry.

Obviously there is no mention of gifts or a registry on our wedding invitations that are going to go out early next week.  There is, however a link to the website.  The Registry section on the website initially said something like, "Your presence is all the gift we desire."

My MOH (older sister) kept harping that if we leave it at that we going to get obscure art, DIY projects, and "Jesus toasters".  I caved and made a link to a Honeyfund account and added that.  

So now we have the basic contradiction - The Registry page says 1) we only want your presence 2) give us money.

Also, I am asking for money.  Granted, who wouldn't appreciate assistance in paying for the honeymoon after paying for a wedding?  Also, as a befuddled guest to many a wedding I like the idea of contributing to a honeymoon better than just giving a check that may go to the water bill.  It seems more romantic. (See what I'm doing there?  I'm justifying the honeyfund by saying my guests WANT me to have it!) 

So - my questions:

Is asking for money really so much more crass than asking for stuff?

Is a honeyfund account really as vulgar as I think it is?

If a honeyfund account isn't all that vulgar, how should I reword the Registry section so I am not contradicting myself?

Thank you in advance.

chibiyui

FuddleOnParade said:

I'm having an internal debate and would like to hear input.

I don't know if it matters but we're having a small, rather laid back wedding.  FI and I live together and have for over a year so we weren't planning on having a registry.

Obviously there is no mention of gifts or a registry on our wedding invitations that are going to go out early next week.  There is, however a link to the website.  The Registry section on the website initially said something like, "Your presence is all the gift we desire."

My MOH (older sister) kept harping that if we leave it at that we going to get obscure art, DIY projects, and "Jesus toasters".  I caved and made a link to a Honeyfund account and added that.  

So now we have the basic contradiction - The Registry page says 1) we only want your presence 2) give us money.

Also, I am asking for money.  Granted, who wouldn't appreciate assistance in paying for the honeymoon after paying for a wedding?  Also, as a befuddled guest to many a wedding I like the idea of contributing to a honeymoon better than just giving a check that may go to the water bill.  It seems more romantic. (See what I'm doing there?  I'm justifying the honeyfund by saying my guests WANT me to have it!) 

So - my questions:

Is asking for money really so much more crass than asking for stuff? Yes

Is a honeyfund account really as vulgar as I think it is? Yes

If a honeyfund account isn't all that vulgar, how should I reword the Registry section so I am not contradicting myself?

Thank you in advance.

Don't have a registry page on your website if you don't have a registry. As a guest, I will assume you have no registry, or I'll ask someone close to you if you have a registry. When I confirm you have no store registry, I'll determine how much of a check to cut you. 

If I hear you have a honeyfund, I either half the amount I was going to give you, or I get your embroidered towels.

So. Delete your honeyfund, delete your registry page, accept any and all gifts you receive graciously, even if it's a Jesus Toaster.

ohannabelle

Yes, your instincts are 100% correct. It's asking for money, which is really crass and vulgar. 

If you don't register at all, people will probably give you money, which is fine. 

People might give you weird things. That's fine, too. It can happen, even with a traditional registry. You just say thank you, hide it in the garage, and donate the weirdness to Goodwill after a nice amount of time. 

What in the name of holy hell is a Jesus toaster? 

hellosweetie1015

@ohannabelle this is a Jesus toaster:



(Hopefully I just pictured from mobile?!)

Yeah, your gut instinct is right, OP. Honeyfund cuts you a check just like a guest might do anyway, and there's nothing stopping it from going to the water bill once you get it. On top of that, it takes a cut of the money before you get it, where your guests won't do that.

AddieCake

Yes, asking for money is tacky. If you don't want "stuff," just don't register.

jacques27

Has your sister had a recent head injury that could explain her faulty line of thinking there?

People don't register for birthdays.  Have you ever gone looking for someone's (nonexistent) birthday registry, realized it doesn't exist and then thought to yourself, "Huh, they don't have a registry!?!  I KNOW!  I'll buy them a Jesus toaster and make them a macramé belt.  Damn I'm so smart!"

No.  You've never done that.  Because you're not a moron.  And neither are your guests.  Everyone knows that cash is a great gift and always welcome.  And in fact, many people are more than happy to write a check, regardless of whether you have a registry because it requires minimal thinking or agonizing and minimal time and effort (no going to a store, wrapping it, schlepping it around, etc.).  And the people who want to get you a physical gift are going to do it because they just don't give cash ever and they'd get you a physical gift even if you had a Honeyfund.  And then you trust that those people give physical gifts because they love thoughtfully picking out things you would love and seeing the joy on your face at receiving them.

whovianstark

I would delete this part: "Your presence is all the gift we desire." Even though I doubt this was your intention, it is gift grabby because it is mentioning gifts when gifts are NEVER required.

I do see what you are saying about the Honeyfund, honestly the last two weddings that have it I have written checks when I normally would have given a gift off of the registry. But still, I wouldn't do it. It is rude to your guests, in part because, they think they are giving you a gift for $50 and instead it is only $47. Unless you want to be like the couple from the wedding I went to this summer where you click on their honeyfund and it said "this couple will be accepting the payments in the form of check at their wedding" uhhh WTC?!

You will get random gifts no matter what. My manager was just telling me about how she registered at multiple locations and still got the most random gifts.

And, ummm, I'm totally registering for a Jesus toaster now. haha

theartistformerlyknownas

Just remove the registry page entirely. People will give you what they want (probably cash). You cannot control this. You can only control your own actions, both of which right now (asking for no gifts and asking for cash) are rude.

artbyallie

Delete the HF and the Registry section on your website entirely. People will give you money or whatever they choose on their own for you. FWIW, one of my favorite gifts didn't even come from our registries. My mom's aunt knows how much we enjoy history and gave us a pair of ceramic bowls/soup mugs that are replicas of ones used by Civil War soldiers. We use them practically once a week.

We did not get a single toaster, though we did get a large crockpot we hadn't registered for. I also use that frequently through the fall/winter months.

OliveOilsMom

Also, stop trying to romanticize the honeyfund.  All they will do is send you a check, which you could still use to pay your water bill.  Oh, but they will take 7% from the amount of money your guests gifted you.

Remove the Registry page from your website and delete your honeyfund.  If guests want to give you money, they will write you a check or give you cash.  You will then need to restrain yourself to use that money on a honeymoon vs. your water bill.

huskypuppy14

People realize they don't have to use all the tabs on the wedding websites, right? I deleted the wedding party tab, honeymoon tab, and reception tab (we had ceremony and reception at the same place- so I put it together on the ceremony tab). 

Delete the registry tab, delete the honeyfund, and go about your day.

Cookie Pusher

I seriously can't imagine why anyone thinks giving a third party a percentage of your monetary gifts is a sound financial decision. Aunt Gertrude gives you $100 towards swimming with dolphins through Honeyfund... and you get 93 of those dollars. Had Aunt Gertrude just given you a check for $100, you would have gotten... 100 of those dollars.

We registered for nothing - no traditional registry, no honeymoon registry. 100% of the gifts we received were some form of money. People are smart. If you don't register, they will most likely give money. Everyone knows money is a fantastic gift. 

ohannabelle

hellosweetie1015 said:

@ohannabelle this is a Jesus toaster:



(Hopefully I just pictured from mobile?!)

Yeah, your gut instinct is right, OP. Honeyfund cuts you a check just like a guest might do anyway, and there's nothing stopping it from going to the water bill once you get it. On top of that, it takes a cut of the money before you get it, where your guests won't do that.

Ohmygod! This is the best toaster ever! 

And the sister says it like it's bad thing?!!! That is proof of her wrong-thinkingness!

Best thing I've seen on the Knot all day! Somewhere in the Room of Requirement, I have little nun salt and pepper shakers from the 50s. Perfetto. This is now on my birthday list. 

julieanne912

ohannabelle said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

@ohannabelle this is a Jesus toaster:



(Hopefully I just pictured from mobile?!)

Yeah, your gut instinct is right, OP. Honeyfund cuts you a check just like a guest might do anyway, and there's nothing stopping it from going to the water bill once you get it. On top of that, it takes a cut of the money before you get it, where your guests won't do that.

Ohmygod! This is the best toaster ever! 

And the sister says it like it's bad thing?!!! That is proof of her wrong-thinkingness!

Best thing I've seen on the Knot all day! Somewhere in the Room of Requirement, I have little nun salt and pepper shakers from the 50s. Perfetto. This is now on my birthday list. 

This is what I was thinking... I'd be kinda stoked to get the Jesus Toaster.

[Deleted User]

ohannabelle

pinkrevenge said:

Is asking for money really so much more crass than asking for stuff? Yes. And also note the proper registries fall into this strange loophole where you're not really asking, hence, you don't put registry information in wedding invitations and such.

Is a honeyfund account really as vulgar as I think it is? Yes. You feel icky because it is icky. Trust your gut.

If a honeyfund account isn't all that vulgar, how should I reword the Registry section so I am not contradicting myself? If you don't want gifts, don't even mention them. Don't post "Your presence is gift enough", don't make a registry, don't post about a registry, and feel free to let the grapevine spread your lack of registry through word of mouth. As for getting gifts you don't want? You don't have to keep them. I'm sure someone at Goodwill would shit themselves over a Jesus toaster. Or heck, send that crap straight to a church auction, homeless shelter, friend who has bad taste, whatever!

Send it to me! I'll be the friend with bad taste! I will laugh my nuts off every morning, and enjoy the hell out of my bad taste.

FuddleOnParade

Thank you all for the input.  I enjoyed reading it and I am rethinking Jesus toasters entirely.

By the time you read this my registry page will be deleted and I will take the leap of faith - believing that my family and friends are not morons .... send me your prayers.

;-)

sheknows6

lolo883 said:

Just remove the registry page entirely. People will give you what they want (probably cash). You cannot control this. You can only control your own actions, both of which right now (asking for no gifts and asking for cash) are rude.

To the bolded: So what then should she do? 

If both not asking for gifts, and asking for honeymoon contributions are rude, that really leaves her no option. All the comments seem to agree that removing the registry entirely is the way to go, but this suggests being rude....

Of course guests will give her what they want to give without her having to ask, but I'm genuinely confused by this.....

chibiyui

sheknows6 said:

lolo883 said:

Just remove the registry page entirely. People will give you what they want (probably cash). You cannot control this. You can only control your own actions, both of which right now (asking for no gifts and asking for cash) are rude.

To the bolded: So what then should she do? 

If both not asking for gifts, and asking for honeymoon contributions are rude, that really leaves her no option. All the comments seem to agree that removing the registry entirely is the way to go, but this suggests being rude....

Of course guests will give her what they want to give without her having to ask, but I'm genuinely confused by this.....

Where the fuck did you get the idea that NOT ASKING (read, begging) FOR GIFTS was rude?

sheknows6

@chibiyui

The post I quoted and bolded where it was stated that both not asking for anything at all and asking for cash was rude.

I've seen this in multiple boards.

Thanks for cussing at me btw, I was genuinely asking not trying to stir the pot.

lovegood90

sheknows6 said:

@chibiyui

The post I quoted and bolded where it was stated that both not asking for anything at all and asking for cash was rude.

I've seen this in multiple boards.

Thanks for cussing at me btw, I was genuinely asking not trying to stir the pot.

No, we're saying stating "no gifts please" is rude. We're saying to literally just say nothing about gifts anywhere.

sheknows6

lovegood90 said:

sheknows6 said:

@chibiyui

The post I quoted and bolded where it was stated that both not asking for anything at all and asking for cash was rude.

I've seen this in multiple boards.

Thanks for cussing at me btw, I was genuinely asking not trying to stir the pot.

No, we're saying stating "no gifts please" is rude. We're saying to literally just say nothing about gifts anywhere.

Thank you for clarifying and being respectful about it. I really didn't understand the initial bolded and that's why I asked, it seemed off.

[Deleted User]

OliveOilsMom

sheknows6 said:

lovegood90 said:

sheknows6 said:

@chibiyui

The post I quoted and bolded where it was stated that both not asking for anything at all and asking for cash was rude.

I've seen this in multiple boards.

Thanks for cussing at me btw, I was genuinely asking not trying to stir the pot.

No, we're saying stating "no gifts please" is rude. We're saying to literally just say nothing about gifts anywhere.

Thank you for clarifying and being respectful about it. I really didn't understand the initial bolded and that's why I asked, it seemed off.

It's because even putting "no gifts please" on something is to assume you were expecting gifts in the first place.  A wedding is not a gift giving occasion.  Do a lot of people give gifts for weddings? Yes.  But they should not be expected.

sheknows6

pinkrevenge said:

sheknows6 said:

lovegood90 said:

sheknows6 said:

@chibiyui

The post I quoted and bolded where it was stated that both not asking for anything at all and asking for cash was rude.

I've seen this in multiple boards.

Thanks for cussing at me btw, I was genuinely asking not trying to stir the pot.

No, we're saying stating "no gifts please" is rude. We're saying to literally just say nothing about gifts anywhere.

Thank you for clarifying and being respectful about it. I really didn't understand the initial bolded and that's why I asked, it seemed off.

I actually said it. Hi, I'm Pink and I wrote the very thing you were looking for and ignored, and then got snippy about. Huzzah.

Anyway, OP did read, and she did the right thing, and now things with OP are good.

How am I being snippy when I'm the one being cussed at for asking? I thought that was the point of these boards, to answer questions?

Secondly, I didn't ignore your post. My question wasn't regarding your post at all. I specifically quoted and asked the person I did and not you, because the wording she used confused me and contradicted your post.

Awesome, OP did the right thing.

chibiyui

sheknows6 said:

@chibiyui

The post I quoted and bolded where it was stated that both not asking for anything at all and asking for cash was rude.

I've seen this in multiple boards.

Thanks for cussing at me btw, I was genuinely asking not trying to stir the pot.

I swear like a sailor. The "fuck" was not an attack, just an exclamation. Because the idea that not asking for gifts is somehow rude is ridiculous.

Now then. You don't ask for gifts by having pithy phrases on your website "Your presence is presents enough" you just don't mention anything about gifts. 

I am sorry if you thought I was attacking you.

sheknows6

chibiyui said:

sheknows6 said:

@chibiyui

The post I quoted and bolded where it was stated that both not asking for anything at all and asking for cash was rude.

I've seen this in multiple boards.

Thanks for cussing at me btw, I was genuinely asking not trying to stir the pot.

I swear like a sailor. The "fuck" was not an attack, just an exclamation. Because the idea that not asking for gifts is somehow rude is ridiculous.

Now then. You don't ask for gifts by having pithy phrases on your website "Your presence is presents enough" you just don't mention anything about gifts. 

I am sorry if you thought I was attacking you.

All good. Thanks for clarifying- I've seen plenty of snark throughout the boards and that was an instant "Oh hell no, I was just asking a question!"

FuddleOnParade

As an additional question - how do I change my username and make it stick?  I've changed it three times ow but I keep showing up as knottie####.

I'm not some random Knottie!  I'm just a bit befuddled.

MairePoppy

Knottie96479695 said:

As an additional question - how do I change my username and make it stick?  I've changed it three times ow but I keep showing up as knottie####.

I'm not some random Knottie!  I'm just a bit befuddled.

Did you click 'save' after you changed your screen name?

FuddleOnParade

MairePoppy said:

Knottie96479695 said:

As an additional question - how do I change my username and make it stick?  I've changed it three times ow but I keep showing up as knottie####.

I'm not some random Knottie!  I'm just a bit befuddled.

Did you click 'save' after you changed your screen name?

all three times.  And gave me a green bar at the bottom saying my changes had been saved.

Deceitful green bar mocks my pain.

mikenberger

Knottie96479695 said:

MairePoppy said:

Knottie96479695 said:

As an additional question - how do I change my username and make it stick?  I've changed it three times ow but I keep showing up as knottie####.

I'm not some random Knottie!  I'm just a bit befuddled.

Did you click 'save' after you changed your screen name?

all three times.  And gave me a green bar at the bottom saying my changes had been saved.

Deceitful green bar mocks my pain.

New knot blooooooooows. Maybe post a help thread in tech help and @knotriley can help.