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Wedding related vacation etiquette...

KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'll do a quick timeline to make this simple:

September 2015- Best Friend sets her wedding date, I put the two days off in our vacation system at work- approved.
October 2015- Coworker gets engaged.
November 2015- I get engaged, I check the vacation system and ask my 1 coworker if my date works-- everything approved.
January 2016- Coworker announces that his wedding date is the same as my best friend's, and can see I've already taken the two days off before in the system, so we'll need to 'work something out'.

I'm pissed. I got approval for these days before he was even engaged! I booked my tickets! And now I'm supposed to move my days/miss the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and possibly the wedding? I'm a BM! And this is my closest friend! 

Her wedding is at the family farm which is 2 flights and a 2 hour drive, and if I have to fly in the day of the wedding, there's a good chance I won't make it- wedding is at 2pm, earliest I could land is 11AM... 

Of course, if I say no, and my director backs me up, I look like the bad guy... ugh. His wedding is legitimately 12 minutes away... so he could work! I can't work remotely from the farm as there's only dial up and zero cell service...
Am I wrong to be pissed?

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Re: Wedding related vacation etiquette...

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    thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
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    KnickerGold said:
    I'll do a quick timeline to make this simple:

    September 2015- Best Friend sets her wedding date, I put the two days off in our vacation system at work- approved.
    October 2015- Coworker gets engaged.
    November 2015- I get engaged, I check the vacation system and ask my 1 coworker if my date works-- everything approved.
    January 2016- Coworker announces that his wedding date is the same as my best friend's, and can see I've already taken the two days off before in the system, so we'll need to 'work something out'.

    I'm pissed. I got approval for these days before he was even engaged! I booked my tickets! And now I'm supposed to move my days/miss the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and possibly the wedding? I'm a BM! And this is my closest friend! 

    Her wedding is at the family farm which is 2 flights and a 2 hour drive, and if I have to fly in the day of the wedding, there's a good chance I won't make it- wedding is at 2pm, earliest I could land is 11AM... 

    Of course, if I say no, and my director backs me up, I look like the bad guy... ugh. His wedding is legitimately 12 minutes away... so he could work! I can't work remotely from the farm as there's only dial up and zero cell service...
    Am I wrong to be pissed?

    I'd be pissed too. How do you book something like a wedding date without checking to see if you can get the days off at work?

    I'd talk privately to your director about this and see what the best course of action is. Not saying you should cancel your vacation days, but see what the best way to break it to your co-worker.
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    frenchiekin said:
    I'd be pissed.  I get that it's his actual wedding, but I don't think that just automatically trumps you.  Is this a Thursday/Friday that you're taking off, and both weddings are on Saturdays?  And are you 2 the only ones in the office that can cover your job?

    TBH part of picking your wedding date is making sure it works for you.  If you have such strict vacation scheduling policies at your work, I'd think he'd check there before setting his date to make sure he was actually available.
    I agree with this 100%.  




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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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    Our jobs couldn't be covered by temps unfortunately- it would have to be covered by a European colleague, which would mean 'late hour bonus pay' which they don't ever approve since there are two people in the US!


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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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    frenchiekin said:
    I'd be pissed.  I get that it's his actual wedding, but I don't think that just automatically trumps you.  Is this a Thursday/Friday that you're taking off, and both weddings are on Saturdays?  And are you 2 the only ones in the office that can cover your job?

    TBH part of picking your wedding date is making sure it works for you.  If you have such strict vacation scheduling policies at your work, I'd think he'd check there before setting his date to make sure he was actually available.
    Yup, the thursday/friday before. If his rehearsal is in the evening, which I hope it is- August in Texas? Eeesh-- he could easily make it there after work.

    I didn't want to run into any of these issues for my wedding, so before I booked ANYTHING I put the days in our system and got them approved. Before that, I even asked coworker if that worked with him. 

    Just inconsiderate to me, and to my boss who now has to try and figure out what to do...

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    sparklepants41sparklepants41 member
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    KnickerGold said:

    frenchiekin said:
    I'd be pissed.  I get that it's his actual wedding, but I don't think that just automatically trumps you.  Is this a Thursday/Friday that you're taking off, and both weddings are on Saturdays?  And are you 2 the only ones in the office that can cover your job?

    TBH part of picking your wedding date is making sure it works for you.  If you have such strict vacation scheduling policies at your work, I'd think he'd check there before setting his date to make sure he was actually available.
    Yup, the thursday/friday before. If his rehearsal is in the evening, which I hope it is- August in Texas? Eeesh-- he could easily make it there after work.

    I didn't want to run into any of these issues for my wedding, so before I booked ANYTHING I put the days in our system and got them approved. Before that, I even asked coworker if that worked with him. 

    Just inconsiderate to me, and to my boss who now has to try and figure out what to do...

    Have your coworker and his FI booked their venues? It shouldn't come down to that because you booked your vacation time and set your date first, but if it does, and he doesn't have a deposit down for anything, this could make the decision easier on your boss.

    Regardless - and I apologize for my late afternoon babbling - you still went through the proper channels when you booked your time off first.
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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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    Yes, they've booked it. Who knows when, but he just brought it up/vacation days up today. 
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    anjemonanjemon member
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    I'd talk to your manager and see if you can work something out. You already were approved and bought tickets. That means your leave shouldn't just get pulled, that is what the European coworker is there for. 

    I know you'll hate to look like the bad guy, but imagine how crappy missing the wedding would be. Or even just flying in at the last minute, you'll be spending all that money to get there and then not get any time to actually enjoy being there.

    And because it occurred to me and I'm a fixer, is there any way you can work remotely from not the farm? Not the day of the wedding, but the day of the rehearsal maybe? You could go into town and work from somewhere with better wifi. I know that's crappy because you're probably planning to spend the day with your friend, but then at least you'd already be there and not traveling.
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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    anjemon said:
    I'd talk to your manager and see if you can work something out. You already were approved and bought tickets. That means your leave shouldn't just get pulled, that is what the European coworker is there for. 

    I know you'll hate to look like the bad guy, but imagine how crappy missing the wedding would be. Or even just flying in at the last minute, you'll be spending all that money to get there and then not get any time to actually enjoy being there.

    And because it occurred to me and I'm a fixer, is there any way you can work remotely from not the farm? Not the day of the wedding, but the day of the rehearsal maybe? You could go into town and work from somewhere with better wifi. I know that's crappy because you're probably planning to spend the day with your friend, but then at least you'd already be there and not traveling.
    I don't like this fix at all.  She shouldn't be penalized because her coworker is a schmuck and her company is presumably too cheap to use the European option.

    As OP, I wouldn't even offer up that as a suggestion to my boss.  If the boss requests it, that's another story.  But this is a mess coworker and the boss have to sort out.  Coworker can be the one to work the day of his rehearsal and RD if the company won't use the European option.
    The problem is, I can't remote in on public wifi for security reasons :/ Plus the most important time of day is when the market closes and that's when the rehearsal is... Ugh. 

    I don't want to make his life harder, and I'd hate to be in the position he's in, but at the same time, I worked to make sure that wouldn't happen to me, and he didn't...
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    frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
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    teddygirl9 said:

    "Sorry, I've already booked my tickets. Nonrefundable."

    Totally not fair that he's even asking you to do that.

    This.  The end.  As another PP said, you're not making his life harder, he is.  

    Would he change his plans for you if the roles were reversed?  I'm willing to bet you have your answer right there.


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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent?  And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

    *shudder*  That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

    Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

    You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies.  Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this.  It's what he/she gets paid to do.
    Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    frenchiekin said:
    teddygirl9 said:

    "Sorry, I've already booked my tickets. Nonrefundable."

    Totally not fair that he's even asking you to do that.

    This.  The end.  As another PP said, you're not making his life harder, he is.  

    Would he change his plans for you if the roles were reversed?  I'm willing to bet you have your answer right there.
    "If the wedding was local I'm sure we could find a way to make it work, but it's not.  I purchased my nonrefundable plane tickets 4 months ago. . . when my PTO was approved.  You are going to need to talk to our boss."

    JediElizabeth said:
    I understand that it's specialized, but if this is in August, management should be able to find a solution, even if it means training someone else in the company to be an alternate. What would they do if one of you went on short term disability or maternity/paternity leave? What if there was an energency that prevented one of you from coming in when the other was out of state/country on vacation? Not that it's your problem or decision. I just am continuously amazed by how cheap corporations are with some of the most important areas of their company.

    And this.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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    frenchiekin said:
    teddygirl9 said:

    "Sorry, I've already booked my tickets. Nonrefundable."

    Totally not fair that he's even asking you to do that.

    This.  The end.  As another PP said, you're not making his life harder, he is.  

    Would he change his plans for you if the roles were reversed?  I'm willing to bet you have your answer right there.
    Haha not a chance. Of course, I'd never ask, since I find that rude.
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    glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
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    Yep, as @JediElizabeth says, fuck him!
                 
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    SP29SP29 member
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    edited January 2016
    Since you've already booked the time off, bought your tickets, and you went through the proper channels of getting the time off (including checking with your co-worker), I would NOT change your dates and let your manager/director figure it out for your co-worker. It's your co-workers problem, not yours. Keep yourself out of it. 

    I get it when there are only two people and ideally only one person can be off at a time. My husband's company is like this- there are literally 2 structural engineers. He had planned to take the day off for our anniversary last week, but his co-worker had already taken vacation time and an emergency file came in, so off he went to work that day. You plan things out before hand, deal with what you must, and even more reason why you don't book something and expect it to work out. 
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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
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    SP29 said:
    Since you've already booked the time off, bought your tickets, and you went through the proper channels of getting the time off (including checking with your co-worker), I would NOT change your dates and let your manager/director figure it out for your co-worker. It's your co-workers problem, not yours. Keep yourself out of it. 

    I get it when there are only two people and ideally only one person can be off at a time. My husband's company is like this- there are literally 2 structural engineers. He had planned to take the day off for our anniversary last week, but his co-worker had already taken vacation time and an emergency file came in, so off he went to work that day. You plan things out before hand, deal with what you must, and even more reason why you don't book something and expect it to work out. 
    To be fair, I didn't check with him regarding the August date, just my wedding date (October) because at the time he 1)hadn't put anything in the system 2)wasn't even engaged yet, so I had no reason to think this might be an issue!
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    auriannaaurianna member
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    KnickerGold said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent?  And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

    *shudder*  That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

    Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

    You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies.  Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this.  It's what he/she gets paid to do.
    Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

    Oh helllll no

    Don't feel bad about being the "bad guy" here. It's not possible.

    Now, I suppose you could talk to your boss first. Let boss know that coworker had recently mentioned also wanting to take PTO the days you had approved and you just wanted to let him know as far in advance as possible in case special arrangements need to be made. But I'm not sure you even really need to do that.

    And seriously... what? He's the groom and it's an in-town wedding? I just took off two hours early the Friday before my wedding. Not sure what he thinks he needs to be doing the two days before his wedding, but he has months and months and months to get those things done ahead of time.
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    frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
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    KnickerGold said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent?  And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

    *shudder*  That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

    Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

    You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies.  Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this.  It's what he/she gets paid to do.
    Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"
    WHAT. THE. FUCK.

    I would be doing him zero favors.  In fact, I'd be doing the opposite of favors for him.  What a fucking prick.  


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    frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
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    aurianna said:
    KnickerGold said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    So you guys are involved in stocks and finance to some extent?  And your coworker couldn't figure out how not to screw up scheduling his wedding date?

    *shudder*  That doesn't give me great confidence that he should be involved in handling large sums of other people's money :-P

    Sorry, but I have null tolerance for stupidity today.

    You are not making his life harder- he made his life harder by not using common sense related to your company's vacation scheduling policies.  Let go of these feelings of guilt and let your boss handle this.  It's what he/she gets paid to do.
    Bonds, not stocks, but yeah. I don't think he 'didn't think to screw it up' I think he saw my dates, didn't care and did what he wanted. He's a jerk like that. He asks me a few times a week 'Oh you haven't started your wedding diet I see?"

    Oh helllll no

    Don't feel bad about being the "bad guy" here. It's not possible.

    Now, I suppose you could talk to your boss first. Let boss know that coworker had recently mentioned also wanting to take PTO the days you had approved and you just wanted to let him know as far in advance as possible in case special arrangements need to be made. But I'm not sure you even really need to do that.

    And seriously... what? He's the groom and it's an in-town wedding? I just took off two hours early the Friday before my wedding. Not sure what he thinks he needs to be doing the two days before his wedding, but he has months and months and months to get those things done ahead of time.
    I wouldn't even go there if your boss can also be kind of a jerk.  That could potentially open yourself up to being asked if you could change your dates, since it's "his WEDDING!!!" and being put on the spot/pressured/threatened by my boss I'm not sure what kind of concessions I'd be strong-armed into making.  Don't invite that shit in.  It's his problem.


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