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Etiquette Faux Pas? Or Courtesy? (repost in right forum)

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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Here's the deal:  We set our wedding date in October 2014.  It was not until about December when we were looking up venues and I was browsing TK forums that I decided to check if my date was an Easter date (since it is a holiday with a date that moves around).  When I found out, I immediately reached out to the key people (parents, closest friends, etc.) to let them know that we found out our date was the Saturday of Easter weekend and to let us know if it would be a problem.  We had not put any money down on anything yet so at that point it would be easy to change.  They all said it would be no issue.  We went forward with the original date and made it a point to mention to anyone thereafter that it would be the weekend of a holiday so they could make an informed decision.

Fast forward 14 months.  January 2016.  2 months before our wedding.  We are now hearing from people that they do not remember this conversation or that they did not know it was Easter weekend and that they may not attend.  We have a guest list of less than 50 people and will be sending invitations out by the end of the month.

My question is this:  Should I give a courtesy call to the people on the list to mention again that it is Easter weekend so that they can make an informed decision?  How should this be handled?  We sent out STDs in September and people are even still questioning the date of the wedding.  It makes me wonder if I did something wrong in terms of communication.  Now I'm left to figure things out.  What would you do?

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Re: Etiquette Faux Pas? Or Courtesy? (repost in right forum)

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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    You don't have to contact them again. You already sent a STD. IMO, you did nothing wrong. If people can't make it after you've already informed them that it was the same weekend as Easter AND sent an STD, oh well! 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    You already told them.  I don't think you need to tell them again just because they "forgot."  It isn't your job to remember for them just because they don't remember.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Unless you asked when you knew they weren't paying attention you did everything right.   I'd never ask DH to clear a date while he was playing a video game but something tells me that you were clear and they weren't thinking. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I guess I feel guilty or responsible somehow, like I am inconveniencing people or I am being self-centered by expecting people to remember something so early about a wedding that would not take place for another 16 months.  It just took me so aback that people did not remember that.  I would think it would be a conversation I'd remember, especially since we are inviting family and like family only.  So it isn't like we don't have a close enough relationship with these people. 

    I still feel responsible and I don't know why!  Maybe it's because I am learning all this too close to the wedding date. 

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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    You did everything okay.   However, even though you did, doesn't mean they still are going to attend.   Sometimes people just say "sure it's okay" because they are just being nice.  Other times things come up. 

    All you can do is send the invites out and let the cards fall where they will.  Don't take it personally if people can't make the wedding.  No one can predict something 16 months out.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    You can't save people from themselves. You did everything right: checked with VIPs, sent STDs, and reminded people. If they can't make it, they can't make it. It's not for your lack of notice. Calling them again isn't going to change anything.

    I know everyone has different traditions, but I'd honestly be a little surprised that Easter Sunday would have much impact on people being able to attend a Saturday wedding. It's not a huge travel holiday.  


    We have a family of 5 who is Catholic and I recently learned (from these forums) how important Easter is in that religion.  Apparently, it is not a time of celebration but a time of mourning and most would not find a wedding appropriate.

    I was told by a close friend that she did not realize this was Easter weekend (she was notified when the others in our families were) and that it was possible members of her family would probably go see her grandparents instead.  This is another 5 people.  I tried not to be offended.

    A third party who received a STD questioned the actual date of the wedding.  It was then that I started to ponder if I was miscommunicating with people somehow.

    Lastly, most of our guests will be traveling in from out of town.  That is part of the reason I wondered if I should call as a courtesy, but PPs are absolutely right in that it is not my fault if they did not look at a calendar after both a verbal and a physical confirmation. 

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    JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    Jazzykins87 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You can't save people from themselves. You did everything right: checked with VIPs, sent STDs, and reminded people. If they can't make it, they can't make it. It's not for your lack of notice. Calling them again isn't going to change anything.

    I know everyone has different traditions, but I'd honestly be a little surprised that Easter Sunday would have much impact on people being able to attend a Saturday wedding. It's not a huge travel holiday.  


    We have a family of 5 who is Catholic and I recently learned (from these forums) how important Easter is in that religion.  Apparently, it is not a time of celebration but a time of mourning and most would not find a wedding appropriate.

    I was told by a close friend that she did not realize this was Easter weekend (she was notified when the others in our families were) and that it was possible members of her family would probably go see her grandparents instead.  This is another 5 people.  I tried not to be offended.

    A third party who received a STD questioned the actual date of the wedding.  It was then that I started to ponder if I was miscommunicating with people somehow.

    Lastly, most of our guests will be traveling in from out of town.  That is part of the reason I wondered if I should call as a courtesy, but PPs are absolutely right in that it is not my fault if they did not look at a calendar after both a verbal and a physical confirmation. 

    Don't be offended. Religion is much more important to some people than any individual wedding, even their closest friends and family. It has nothing to do with you or how much they care about you.

    That said, you can be disappointed or sad. Just don't let that disappointment come out as bad feelings or a guilt trip.

    "Friend, I'm truly sad that your family won't be there, but I understand their religious obligations" is a perfectly valid, honest reaction. "Friend, your family has hurt/offended me by placing their religion over my wedding," is not. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Just send your invitations out. People who can come will, people who can't won't. No one is doing anything wrong here.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    JediElizabeth said:
    Jazzykins87 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You can't save people from themselves. You did everything right: checked with VIPs, sent STDs, and reminded people. If they can't make it, they can't make it. It's not for your lack of notice. Calling them again isn't going to change anything.

    I know everyone has different traditions, but I'd honestly be a little surprised that Easter Sunday would have much impact on people being able to attend a Saturday wedding. It's not a huge travel holiday.  


    We have a family of 5 who is Catholic and I recently learned (from these forums) how important Easter is in that religion.  Apparently, it is not a time of celebration but a time of mourning and most would not find a wedding appropriate.

    I was told by a close friend that she did not realize this was Easter weekend (she was notified when the others in our families were) and that it was possible members of her family would probably go see her grandparents instead.  This is another 5 people.  I tried not to be offended.

    A third party who received a STD questioned the actual date of the wedding.  It was then that I started to ponder if I was miscommunicating with people somehow.

    Lastly, most of our guests will be traveling in from out of town.  That is part of the reason I wondered if I should call as a courtesy, but PPs are absolutely right in that it is not my fault if they did not look at a calendar after both a verbal and a physical confirmation. 

    Don't be offended. Religion is much more important to some people than any individual wedding, even their closest friends and family. It has nothing to do with you or how much they care about you.

    That said, you can be disappointed or sad. Just don't let that disappointment come out as bad feelings or a guilt trip.

    "Friend, I'm truly sad that your family won't be there, but I understand their religious obligations" is a perfectly valid, honest reaction. "Friend, your family has hurt/offended me by placing their religion over my wedding," is not. 


    I like this.  And I think I used the incorrect word to describe my feelings when she told me that.  I was not offended, but definitely disappointed.  This is my best friend and she couldn't remember an important detail from a year ago and just give me a heads up then.  This also came after some other wedding related issues that recently occurred between she and I and it was a bit much.

    I have no problem with people wishing to observe religious holidays instead of attending a wedding.  I completely understand and respect it.  I just don't get the lack of notification ahead of time.

    I am actually really okay with people not coming (it is a secret hope of mine that more people would RSVP no due to my anxiety of being on display) but it's the act of people saying it now after knowing a year ago that raised a flag.  It would have been helpful to know then versus now so that we could have planned accordingly and known what to expect instead adding to the stress of the final two months before the wedding by learning now.  It's like one more thing thrown into a January pot of bad wedding news.

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    JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    Also, thanks for posting this, because it gave me the impetus to check my wedding date against Easter 2017, since my family is Catholic (though FI & I are not). Thankfully, we're scheduled 2 weeks after Easter, but it was a good thing to check. ;)
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    JediElizabeth said:
    Also, thanks for posting this, because it gave me the impetus to check my wedding date against Easter 2017, since my family is Catholic (though FI & I are not). Thankfully, we're scheduled 2 weeks after Easter, but it was a good thing to check. ;)

    See, I thought we were in the clear until I was reading about Easter on these forums and it prompted me to check.  You never know when it could be in April or March so it's better to check.  I'm glad I was able to help you! :)
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    flantasticflantastic member
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    edited January 2016
    geebee908 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You can't save people from themselves. You did everything right: checked with VIPs, sent STDs, and reminded people. If they can't make it, they can't make it. It's not for your lack of notice. Calling them again isn't going to change anything.

    I know everyone has different traditions, but I'd honestly be a little surprised that Easter Sunday would have much impact on people being able to attend a Saturday wedding. It's not a huge travel holiday.  


    We have a family of 5 who is Catholic and I recently learned (from these forums) how important Easter is in that religion.  Apparently, it is not a time of celebration but a time of mourning and most would not find a wedding appropriate.

    I was told by a close friend that she did not realize this was Easter weekend (she was notified when the others in our families were) and that it was possible members of her family would probably go see her grandparents instead.  This is another 5 people.  I tried not to be offended.

    A third party who received a STD questioned the actual date of the wedding.  It was then that I started to ponder if I was miscommunicating with people somehow.

    Lastly, most of our guests will be traveling in from out of town.  That is part of the reason I wondered if I should call as a courtesy, but PPs are absolutely right in that it is not my fault if they did not look at a calendar after both a verbal and a physical confirmation. 

    Yeah, Easter Sunday itself is the biggest celebration we have, but the Friday and Saturday before are pretty solemn.

    That said, I would not feel uncomfortable attending a non-Christian wedding on Holy Saturday. Probably would on Friday.

    ETA unless I had to travel. I probably wouldn't travel over Good Friday for a Saturday wedding. But maybe.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    Jazzykins87 said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    Also, thanks for posting this, because it gave me the impetus to check my wedding date against Easter 2017, since my family is Catholic (though FI & I are not). Thankfully, we're scheduled 2 weeks after Easter, but it was a good thing to check. ;)

    See, I thought we were in the clear until I was reading about Easter on these forums and it prompted me to check.  You never know when it could be in April or March so it's better to check.  I'm glad I was able to help you! :)
    It's 40 days after Ash Wednesday, which is the day after Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday).  So if you know when Mardi Gras is you can figure out Easter.  

    I work out of NOLA.   I ALWAYS know what day is Mardi Gras years out.  :tongue: 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    flantasticflantastic member
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    lyndausvi said:
    Jazzykins87 said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    Also, thanks for posting this, because it gave me the impetus to check my wedding date against Easter 2017, since my family is Catholic (though FI & I are not). Thankfully, we're scheduled 2 weeks after Easter, but it was a good thing to check. ;)

    See, I thought we were in the clear until I was reading about Easter on these forums and it prompted me to check.  You never know when it could be in April or March so it's better to check.  I'm glad I was able to help you! :)
    It's 40 days* after Ash Wednesday, which is the day after Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday).  So if you know when Mardi Gras is you can figure out Easter.  

    I work out of NOLA.   I ALWAYS know what day is Mardi Gras years out.  :tongue: 
    *not counting Sundays. Count 46 calendar days.
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    FWIW, my BIL (DH's brother) got married on the Saturday of Easter weekend.  My husband & I are devout Catholics and we gladly attended.  BIL checked with us ahead of time, though.

    To each their own.  




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    VicTim328VicTim328 member
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    FI and I are getting married the day after Easter.  We've told everyone since the beginning that it falls the day after Easter.  We've not run into huge problems, but it has actually worked out for the better, as it'll be the first time all of our families can celebrate together.  As someone from a very religious family, I don't think a Saturday wedding will affect too much, unless there are a lot of OOT guests, in which case, travel may occur on the holiday or be very expensive.

    I wouldn't do a courtesy call.  I think that that would open everything up to more of a headache/more frustration. You've sent STD's, and let your VIP's know ahead of time. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    @VicTim328:  About half the guest list is OOT.  Even our families don't live here.  Most people will have to travel to attend, even those in state.  The closest people live about an hour away.

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    VicTim328 said:
    FI and I are getting married the day after Easter.  We've told everyone since the beginning that it falls the day after Easter.  We've not run into huge problems, but it has actually worked out for the better, as it'll be the first time all of our families can celebrate together.  As someone from a very religious family, I don't think a Saturday wedding will affect too much, unless there are a lot of OOT guests, in which case, travel may occur on the holiday or be very expensive.

    I wouldn't do a courtesy call.  I think that that would open everything up to more of a headache/more frustration. You've sent STD's, and let your VIP's know ahead of time. 

    You're getting married on a Monday?
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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    OliveOilsMom said:
    VicTim328 said:
    FI and I are getting married the day after Easter.  We've told everyone since the beginning that it falls the day after Easter.  We've not run into huge problems, but it has actually worked out for the better, as it'll be the first time all of our families can celebrate together.  As someone from a very religious family, I don't think a Saturday wedding will affect too much, unless there are a lot of OOT guests, in which case, travel may occur on the holiday or be very expensive.

    I wouldn't do a courtesy call.  I think that that would open everything up to more of a headache/more frustration. You've sent STD's, and let your VIP's know ahead of time. 

    You're getting married on a Monday?
    I would have an even harder time attending that wedding.

    Holy Week and Easter are the most holy days in the Catholic calendar.  @Jazzykins87, you said, "I have no problem with people wishing to observe religious holidays instead of attending a wedding.  I completely understand and respect it.  I just don't get the lack of notification ahead of time."   I am not faulting your attempt to forewarn guests of the potential date issue.  However, for Catholics, some religious observances are actually days of obligation.  There is nothing obligatory about Holy Saturday.  However, Catholics are urged to consider the lenten season a time of discipline, fasting, and penance.  I think it is highly unusual to even hold a Catholic wedding during this time.

    You did what you can.
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    mntravelingmamamntravelingmama member
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    To be honest, it seems odd to me to have a wedding on Easter weekend, but that's just me. However, you have done all the right things, and if people choose not to come--for whatever reason, it is what it is.

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    lyndausvi said:
    Jazzykins87 said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    Also, thanks for posting this, because it gave me the impetus to check my wedding date against Easter 2017, since my family is Catholic (though FI & I are not). Thankfully, we're scheduled 2 weeks after Easter, but it was a good thing to check. ;)

    See, I thought we were in the clear until I was reading about Easter on these forums and it prompted me to check.  You never know when it could be in April or March so it's better to check.  I'm glad I was able to help you! :)
    It's 40 days after Ash Wednesday, which is the day after Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday).  So if you know when Mardi Gras is you can figure out Easter.  

    I work out of NOLA.   I ALWAYS know what day is Mardi Gras years out.  :tongue: 
    It's easier just to Google "Easter 20XX"

    Damn lunar calendar always mucking things up!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    flantasticflantastic member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    lyndausvi said:
    Jazzykins87 said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    Also, thanks for posting this, because it gave me the impetus to check my wedding date against Easter 2017, since my family is Catholic (though FI & I are not). Thankfully, we're scheduled 2 weeks after Easter, but it was a good thing to check. ;)

    See, I thought we were in the clear until I was reading about Easter on these forums and it prompted me to check.  You never know when it could be in April or March so it's better to check.  I'm glad I was able to help you! :)
    It's 40 days after Ash Wednesday, which is the day after Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday).  So if you know when Mardi Gras is you can figure out Easter.  

    I work out of NOLA.   I ALWAYS know what day is Mardi Gras years out.  :tongue: 
    It's easier just to Google "Easter 20XX"

    Damn lunar calendar always mucking things up!
    I work for a parish and I still have to Google it every year.
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    lyndausvi said:
    Jazzykins87 said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    Also, thanks for posting this, because it gave me the impetus to check my wedding date against Easter 2017, since my family is Catholic (though FI & I are not). Thankfully, we're scheduled 2 weeks after Easter, but it was a good thing to check. ;)

    See, I thought we were in the clear until I was reading about Easter on these forums and it prompted me to check.  You never know when it could be in April or March so it's better to check.  I'm glad I was able to help you! :)
    It's 40 days after Ash Wednesday, which is the day after Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday).  So if you know when Mardi Gras is you can figure out Easter.  

    I work out of NOLA.   I ALWAYS know what day is Mardi Gras years out.  :tongue: 

    I live in NOLA and, reading this post, was thinking, "Yeah, and Easter is REALLY EARLY this year."  Not because I have any idea what day Easter is on, but because I keep lamenting on how crazy early Mardi Gras (Feb. 9th) is this year.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Yesterday I had to Google why the Easter date changes and I had no clue it was due to lunar cycles.  The more you know!  But like @prettygirllost said, it's hard to keep up with!  Much easier to just search "Easter YYYY" instead.  LOL

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