Pre-wedding Parties

How to tell my groom I think his destination bachelor party is too much

Hey all,
My fiance has wanted to go to Key West for his bachelor party for a long time. He dreams of going out fishing and just having a good time.
Thing is, we live in Tennessee and so do some of his friends. His groomsmen and some other friends live around the country. So, #1, flights will not be cheap. A house in Key West will not be cheap, and deep sea fishing definitely will not be cheap. Let alone dinner, drinks, entertainment.

A lot of his friends are getting married this year, or are already married and some have kids. I basically don't want his friends or groomsmen to resent him (or their wives!) because of the obligation they might feel to spend the dough to go. He thinks this is a "once in a lifetime" event and he thinks his buds will be happy to shell out the dough. I am not so sure. And if I was a wife of one of them I'd say "Key West? You're taking me with you, right?" ;)

I know I should leave it up to his buddies who offered to plan it for him to speak up and say if it's too expensive or not - but as his fiance, should I get involved in any way to try and suggest an alternative? Or should I try to tell him it'd be too expensive for people? He can be sensitive so I don't want him to take it the wrong way thinking his friends won't want to go. I also don't want him thinking I don't want him to have a bachelor party because I do; I think it's important!

I would love to go to Key West for my bachelorette party - but thinking of asking my friends to spend that kind of money seems pretty selfish, so I've chosen a really super cheap (practically free) alternative. 

Basically - what can a fiance's role be in this situation? 

Thanks for your help!
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Re: How to tell my groom I think his destination bachelor party is too much

  • Ask him how he would feel if someone dictated to him how he should spend his money and vacation time. They may prefer to do something with their families/wives and it's not fair for him to put them on the spot.
    SP29
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    I think you should tell him pretty much what you told us.  That it is unfair to expect his friends to shell out a lot of money to attend a bachelor party in Key West.  Tell him it is a lot to ask of his friends and their wallets.

    I love Key West but would laugh in anyone's face if they suggested a bachelor or bachelorette party there.  If I were going to spend the money for a trip to Key West, it would be under my terms.

    Tell FI that he needs to step back and let his friends plan the b-party.  If he has been dreaming of this Key West trip for a while, I'm sure his friends know about it.  They can explore on their own the pricing of it and see if its do-able.  If not, they will plan something they can afford.

    What about going to Key West for your honeymoon?

    charlotte989875MairePoppySP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I would first ask him if his friends have planned anything for him, and if he says no, I would tell him, "Unfortunately, it's your friends' job, not yours, to plan a bachelor party for you, and based on their incomes and situations, I don't think it's fair of you to expect them to come up with the cost of a bachelor party in Key West.  I know it means a lot to you to go there, but I think you need to put this on the shelf unless your friends bring it up."
    SP29
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Hey all,
    My fiance has wanted to go to Key West for his bachelor party for a long time. He dreams of going out fishing and just having a good time.
    Thing is, we live in Tennessee and so do some of his friends. His groomsmen and some other friends live around the country. So, #1, flights will not be cheap. A house in Key West will not be cheap, and deep sea fishing definitely will not be cheap. Let alone dinner, drinks, entertainment.

    A lot of his friends are getting married this year, or are already married and some have kids. I basically don't want his friends or groomsmen to resent him (or their wives!) because of the obligation they might feel to spend the dough to go. He thinks this is a "once in a lifetime" event and he thinks his buds will be happy to shell out the dough. I am not so sure. And if I was a wife of one of them I'd say "Key West? You're taking me with you, right?" ;)

    I know I should leave it up to his buddies who offered to plan it for him to speak up and say if it's too expensive or not - but as his fiance, should I get involved in any way to try and suggest an alternative? Or should I try to tell him it'd be too expensive for people? He can be sensitive so I don't want him to take it the wrong way thinking his friends won't want to go. I also don't want him thinking I don't want him to have a bachelor party because I do; I think it's important!

    I would love to go to Key West for my bachelorette party - but thinking of asking my friends to spend that kind of money seems pretty selfish, so I've chosen a really super cheap (practically free) alternative. 

    Basically - what can a fiance's role be in this situation? 

    Thanks for your help!
    This is a person that you are pledging to share a lifetime of intimate decisions about sex, children, money, religion and everything under the sun.

    If you can't talk to him openly about how a destination bachelor party is probably out of your friend's budgets, you have bigger problems. 

    Why cant just you 2 go to key west?
    adk19AddieCake
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I hope his friends aren't planning a trip to Key West just because they would feel like they are letting him down or are going to piss him off if they say it is too expensive or not doable.

    But I am of the mind frame that these people are adults and as long as your FI isn't demanding this trip (he can want it all he wants, but as long as he hasn't said "this is where we are going and what we are doing so open your wallets and pay for my fun") then it is up to his friends to make the final decision.

    Now unless, financially for you and your FI, a trip like this just isn't possible, then I would speak up.  But these individuals are adults and if they can't afford this trip then it is up to them to speak up.

    lc07
  • edited February 2016
    HI all - 
    I know it sounds like we can't (or don't) have mature conversations about money. We totally do. We have gotten into a tiff before about bachelor parties because I mentioned I don't want him to have strippers - and he thought I didn't trust him. I do, especially because he isn't the type. But you know what guy friends can do when they get together - I'm not naive - and I think alcohol + temptations = crappy things.

    Anyway - We have gotten over that hump. So I feel like bringing it up again would make him feel like I don't want him to go on this trip.

    I guess I'm answering my own questions here - I do need to talk to him, and if he responds in an immature way, then he needs to grow up a little. He is very much a normal, mature, level-headed and rational person. I just think he's got a bit of "bride brain" and thinks that since it's "once in a lifetime" then money shouldn't be (too much) of an issue.

    I basically wanted to know, by coming to this thread, if it was my place to talk to him about it or if I should just leave it up to the guys. In the end, I just don't want him being hurt by having friends resent him (or me, the bride, for not reigning him in!)
  • I don't think it's out of place when it comes up to say something like, "wow that's an expensive trip. Have you thought about other options that wouldn't require your friends to spend so much?"
    But once that is said leave it up to him and his friends.
  • HI all - 
    I know it sounds like we can't (or don't) have mature conversations about money. We totally do. We have gotten into a tiff before about bachelor parties because I mentioned I don't want him to have strippers - and he thought I didn't trust him. I do, especially because he isn't the type. But you know what guy friends can do when they get together - I'm not naive - and I think alcohol + temptations = crappy things.

    Anyway - We have gotten over that hump. So I feel like bringing it up again would make him feel like I don't want him to go on this trip.

    I guess I'm answering my own questions here - I do need to talk to him, and if he responds in an immature way, then he needs to grow up a little. He is very much a normal, mature, level-headed and rational person. I just think he's got a bit of "bride brain" and thinks that since it's "once in a lifetime" then money shouldn't be (too much) of an issue.

    I basically wanted to know, by coming to this thread, if it was my place to talk to him about it or if I should just leave it up to the guys. In the end, I just don't want him being hurt by having friends resent him (or me, the bride, for not reigning him in!)
    What was the resolution of this? Did he respect your concerns and agree to no strippers? Also, are you really concerned that he would cheat on you?
  • Yes, he respects me and agrees with me. I know he doesn't want any, but his friends might for him which is what I'd be annoyed about. I am really not concerned he would cheat, no. 
  • I don't think it's wrong to not want your fiance around strippers, even though you trust him not to cheat. It's just frankly disgusting to me and degrading to women.
  • I don't think it's wrong to not want your fiance around strippers, even though you trust him not to cheat. It's just frankly disgusting to me and degrading to women.
    I mean I personally am not crazy about the idea either, but I totally trust FI, so I feel like if his friends did bring him to one, oh well. 
  • edited February 2016
    AddieCake said:
    I don't think it's wrong to not want your fiance around strippers, even though you trust him not to cheat. It's just frankly disgusting to me and degrading to women.
    Then say that as the reason initially. 

    Well, that wasn't really the point of this post.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    AddieCake said:
    I don't think it's wrong to not want your fiance around strippers, even though you trust him not to cheat. It's just frankly disgusting to me and degrading to women.
    Then say that as the reason initially. 

    Well, that wasn't really the point of this post.
    I'm aware of that, but you did bring up strippers.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I disagree with nearly everyone- I don't think you should say anything at all! It's his friends and his bachelor party. They are all adults. If they think it's too expensive, they can say so or just quietly resent him. If he looses friends that sucks and isn't your problem to solve. 

    Say nothing. Let him live his life and deal with the consequences. You have no role to play here. 
    spockforprezbohobrideCA
  • I disagree with nearly everyone- I don't think you should say anything at all! It's his friends and his bachelor party. They are all adults. If they think it's too expensive, they can say so or just quietly resent him. If he looses friends that sucks and isn't your problem to solve. 

    Say nothing. Let him live his life and deal with the consequences. You have no role to play here. 
    Really? If you felt your FI was going to do something stupid that might hurt his friendships, you wouldn't say anything? Or even just something you think is dumb in general? I don't think I just let FI live his life and deal with the consequences. Part of being his partner is living his life with him and voicing my thoughts/opinions/ideas about how he is living his life, and vice versa, since our lives are being lived together.
    JediElizabethSP29
  • nerdwife said:
    I disagree with nearly everyone- I don't think you should say anything at all! It's his friends and his bachelor party. They are all adults. If they think it's too expensive, they can say so or just quietly resent him. If he looses friends that sucks and isn't your problem to solve. 

    Say nothing. Let him live his life and deal with the consequences. You have no role to play here. 
    Really? If you felt your FI was going to do something stupid that might hurt his friendships, you wouldn't say anything? Or even just something you think is dumb in general? I don't think I just let FI live his life and deal with the consequences. Part of being his partner is living his life with him and voicing my thoughts/opinions/ideas about how he is living his life, and vice versa, since our lives are being lived together.
    While I might agree with this generally, I view a bachelor party as simply none of a bride's business. He's an adult too, he can think this through, he apparently has and thinks it is fine. This isn't a situation where he might not know all the facts or need help. I get your point I just come down on the side of if you can't trust him to run his own life as it relates to his bachelor party you're in for a long meddlesome life. 
  • I'm actually going to come at it from the perspective of a "once-in-a-lifetime trip" and your comment about wanting to go.

    I'm pretty sure DH would want to share that experience with me, not just his guy friends. The camping/fishing trip a couple hours away that he did for his bachelor party is going to be repeated for the third time in a few weeks - because a) it's not a trip I really want to go on and they love it, b) none of them saw his bach as the last night he can do something with the guys. If we're both interested in a destination, he wants to go with me, and maybe our friends can join us on their own terms and with their SOs.

    This is probably what I would say:
    "If you're going to come up with the money to go to Key West once in your lifetime, why choose the trip where I'm not included? I'm sure your friends might want to spend time with their SOs if they're going on a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and do it on their terms - I sure would. Maybe we can get a group together to make the Key West trip together with whoever's in, but I wouldn't want your friends not to be able to afford awesome vacations with their SOs because they're spending that money on your bach where they weren't able to bring them."

    Huh. I figured the once in a lifetime was once in a lifetime with this group of guys not we can only afford one trip to Key West ever in my life. 
    OurWildKingdombohobrideCA
  • I'm actually going to come at it from the perspective of a "once-in-a-lifetime trip" and your comment about wanting to go.

    I'm pretty sure DH would want to share that experience with me, not just his guy friends. The camping/fishing trip a couple hours away that he did for his bachelor party is going to be repeated for the third time in a few weeks - because a) it's not a trip I really want to go on and they love it, b) none of them saw his bach as the last night he can do something with the guys. If we're both interested in a destination, he wants to go with me, and maybe our friends can join us on their own terms and with their SOs.

    This is probably what I would say:
    "If you're going to come up with the money to go to Key West once in your lifetime, why choose the trip where I'm not included? I'm sure your friends might want to spend time with their SOs if they're going on a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and do it on their terms - I sure would. Maybe we can get a group together to make the Key West trip together with whoever's in, but I wouldn't want your friends not to be able to afford awesome vacations with their SOs because they're spending that money on your bach where they weren't able to bring them."

    Huh. I figured the once in a lifetime was once in a lifetime with this group of guys not we can only afford one trip to Key West ever in my life. 
    I think the biggest problem with bachelor/ette parties - and one of the more problematic lies of the wedding industry - is that ANY aspect of the party is "once in a lifetime," and that we should therefore spend accordingly. 
    OurWildKingdomOliveOilsMomdowntondiva
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I'm actually going to come at it from the perspective of a "once-in-a-lifetime trip" and your comment about wanting to go.

    I'm pretty sure DH would want to share that experience with me, not just his guy friends. The camping/fishing trip a couple hours away that he did for his bachelor party is going to be repeated for the third time in a few weeks - because a) it's not a trip I really want to go on and they love it, b) none of them saw his bach as the last night he can do something with the guys. If we're both interested in a destination, he wants to go with me, and maybe our friends can join us on their own terms and with their SOs.

    This is probably what I would say:
    "If you're going to come up with the money to go to Key West once in your lifetime, why choose the trip where I'm not included? I'm sure your friends might want to spend time with their SOs if they're going on a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and do it on their terms - I sure would. Maybe we can get a group together to make the Key West trip together with whoever's in, but I wouldn't want your friends not to be able to afford awesome vacations with their SOs because they're spending that money on your bach where they weren't able to bring them."

    Huh. I figured the once in a lifetime was once in a lifetime with this group of guys not we can only afford one trip to Key West ever in my life. 
    Yes and no, I guess. But I think if OP did want to go to Key West, deep sea fishing, etc., there's a good chance that her FI would suggest going somewhere else because he's been there and done that.

    I agree with @JediElizabeth that a wedding doesn't warrant a once-in-a-lifetime trip, or a single honoree shouldn't, but people want to feel that important. If you're wanting to go on that kind of trip with a group, whether it be just guys or with SOs, you should just plan it, with everyone's input counting equally.

    Anniversary

    JediElizabethSP29
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