.

ILoveBeachMusic

OK I see that technically you aren't truly B listing if you are sending all the invites out at the same time as you stated in one of your posts. However, you are banking on the people that said they can't come not coming. Make sure you can accommodate them if they end up coming. I think you have a list of people that have to be there and a list of people that you would like to have there if it were a perfect world. We did that with DD's wedding. The second list was very short but we never used it (as in sending their invites at the same time as the first list) because we felt comfortable with the numbers on original list. I had to talk now SIL out of inviting a friend a week or so before the wedding because we had quite a few declines.

 I will say we had some family members that we absolutely knew weren't going to attend due to severe health reasons, but we sent them an invitation because they would have been hurt not to receive one.

bumpjanie

Our venue asks you to pay for empty seats- we are getting married in a city and it's not that uncommon.  Let's forget that for a second though, it is a decision I made knowingly and willingly.  I don't need a lecture on it.  Did it ever cross anyone's mind that I want to fill up the seats?  We chose a number that seemed ideal- we are trying to reach it.  So I just have 40% less people because of B list taboos?  Seriously? 

geebee908

Knottie03547205 said:

Out of curiosity for those who think B lists are extremely rude- what would you do if you were in my spot?  We are getting married where we live, because we love it here and luckily it is as central as it can be between the two families.  Bottom line- it was gonna be far trip for people no matter what (one side or the other), so we chose the middle.  So here's the predicament, people are more likely to say NO to a wedding that is far away- I get it, more travel time & more expensive.  We knew our NOs would likely be higher than average- yet it seemed irresponsible to over-invite.  We chose a venue that was a comfortable size for us.  Now let's just 40% of people say NO (which is what its looking like)- you suggest we just leave the venue partially empty?  Again, no matter what it would be a far distance for people so the NO factor would be relevant regardless of location.  And please don't say a bigger venue, because we are happy with the size.

You've already chosen to over-invite. When you send out your invites, you're going to send them to more people than your venue can hold. It may be a more controlled over-invite, but you're still taking the risk that your declines may change their mind.

What I would do is take responsibility for my choice to have a wedding in a small venue that's not near either side of the family and not over-invite and happily celebrate with those who make the effort to be there.

floridabride44

Knottie03547205 said:

Out of curiosity for those who think B lists are extremely rude- what would you do if you were in my spot?  We are getting married where we live, because we love it here and luckily it is as central as it can be between the two families.  Bottom line- it was gonna be far trip for people no matter what (one side or the other), so we chose the middle.  So here's the predicament, people are more likely to say NO to a wedding that is far away- I get it, more travel time & more expensive.  We knew our NOs would likely be higher than average- yet it seemed irresponsible to over-invite.  We chose a venue that was a comfortable size for us.  Now let's just 40% of people say NO (which is what its looking like)- you suggest we just leave the venue partially empty?  Again, no matter what it would be a far distance for people so the NO factor would be relevant regardless of location.  And please don't say a bigger venue, because we are happy with the size.

Yup. Where does the rule exist that a wedding venue must be full to capacity? 

bumpjanie

40% is a lot when you are talking about a relatively small wedding. Let's say hypothetically it goes from 100 to 60- I'm saying I would want to fill those 40 spots if I could.  The difference is big. 

monkeysip

We invited 85, only 57 were able to come.  Of course I wish those people had been able to come, but it was actually nice having such a (relatively) small wedding.

DrillSergeantCat

Knottie03547205 said:

Our venue asks you to pay for empty seats- we are getting married in a city and it's not that uncommon.  Let's forget that for a second though, it is a decision I made knowingly and willingly.  I don't need a lecture on it.  Did it ever cross anyone's mind that I want to fill up the seats?  We chose a number that seemed ideal- we are trying to reach it.  So I just have 40% less people because of B list taboos?  Seriously? 

That really makes it sound like you're using guests as props and/or are grabbing for gifts. 

bumpjanie

We aren't registered and are asking for charity donations instead of gifts.  No one in my life is a prop- why would anyone say that?  This entire thread makes me sad.  I want to have a wedding surrounded by people I love.  If some people can't come, I'd like to add more people I love, it's really quite simple. 

bleve0821

Knottie03547205 said:

Out of curiosity for those who think B lists are extremely rude- what would you do if you were in my spot?  We are getting married where we live, because we love it here and luckily it is as central as it can be between the two families.  Bottom line- it was gonna be far trip for people no matter what (one side or the other), so we chose the middle.  So here's the predicament, people are more likely to say NO to a wedding that is far away- I get it, more travel time & more expensive.  We knew our NOs would likely be higher than average- yet it seemed irresponsible to over-invite.  We chose a venue that was a comfortable size for us.  Now let's just 40% of people say NO (which is what its looking like)- you suggest we just leave the venue partially empty?  Again, no matter what it would be a far distance for people so the NO factor would be relevant regardless of location.  And please don't say a bigger venue, because we are happy with the size.

1) we would pick a different venue that could accommodate everyone we wanted to invite. OR we would invite only the number of people the venue could hold.

2) No. You chose a specific venue that you wanted that HAPPENED to be in the middle of your families but does not accommodate the number of people you want to invite. There are, presumably, other venues in that area.

3) Obviously, you did not choose a venue that was a comfortable size since your guest list is bigger than the venue can host.

4) So you're potentially hurting feelings and creating a space problem if too many people show up last minute because you don't want empty seats, because you'll get charged for having fewer guests than the maximum capacity of the venue? If that's true, you signed a bad contract.

5) Yes a bigger venue is the solution to your problem since you refuse to cut your guest list.

Jen4948

Knottie03547205 said:

We aren't registered and are asking for charity donations instead of gifts.  No one in my life is a prop- why would anyone say that?  This entire thread makes me sad.  I want to have a wedding surrounded by people I love.  If some people can't come, I'd like to add more people I love, it's really quite simple. 

Sorry, but it is rude and hurtful to others to B-list them regardless of what it says on TheKnot's main site or anywhere else.  If you make the choice to do that, you are responsible for the pain you are causing them by sending them the message "We didn't care enough about you to invite you with everyone else."

If you need to invite everyone on your list and can't cut anyone, then you need a bigger venue. In fact, you should have drawn up your guest list first and then found a venue that could accommodate everyone - not the other way around. It's not polite to "plan for" no-shows.

The bolded isn't polite either.  Weddings are not fundraisers.

SoldiersMom

This will bite you in the a**, one way or another. Plain and simple.

bumpjanie

Not charity donations to us, to a charity of their choice.  If this is rude then I'm wasting my time here because that is ridiculous.

DrillSergeantCat

Knottie03547205 said:

Not charity donations to us, to a charity of their choice.  If this is rude then I'm wasting my time here because that is ridiculous.

It's always rude, regardless of where the money goes, to ask for cash. You don't get to dictate how people spend their money. If you want to donate to a charity, then when people ask where you're registered you tell them that you're not registered that you're saving to donate to a charity. 

ILoveBeachMusic

Knottie03547205 said:

Not charity donations to us, to a charity of their choice.  If this is rude then I'm wasting my time here because that is ridiculous.

The reason that this is considered rude is because you shouldn't be asking for donations/gifts. If people choose to give you a gift that is fine but you shouldn't be telling them exactly what to give (a donation). I know it is a fine line between that and a registry. A registry gives people ideas of things you want while not telling them exactly what to buy.

DrillSergeantCat

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Knottie03547205 said:

Not charity donations to us, to a charity of their choice.  If this is rude then I'm wasting my time here because that is ridiculous.

The reason that this is considered rude is because you shouldn't be asking for donations/gifts. If people choose to give you a gift that is fine but you shouldn't be telling them exactly what to give (a donation). I know it is a fine line between that and a registry. A registry gives people ideas of things you want while not telling them exactly what to buy.

To me, it would be like assigning registry items to specific individuals, in a way.

ILoveBeachMusic

DrillSergeantCat said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Knottie03547205 said:

Not charity donations to us, to a charity of their choice.  If this is rude then I'm wasting my time here because that is ridiculous.

The reason that this is considered rude is because you shouldn't be asking for donations/gifts. If people choose to give you a gift that is fine but you shouldn't be telling them exactly what to give (a donation). I know it is a fine line between that and a registry. A registry gives people ideas of things you want while not telling them exactly what to buy.

To me, it would be like assigning registry items to specific individuals, in a way.

Excellent analogy, @DrillSergeantCat. Glad you've been so active recently.

cgss11

My venue could hold up to 250. I had 30. It did not look empty. There was plenty of space for people to move around tables, and spread out and enjoy themselves. 

ILoveBeachMusic

DD's venue could hold up to 400. We had 150ish. No problem!

bumpjanie

"What we really want is all of our friends and family together for our big day, your presence is our present!  For the traditional gift-giver, a contribution to your favorite charity in our honor is a wonderful way to commemorate our special day"- this is not bossy.  Or rude.  I literally own a business that specializes in gifts and home interiors.  I'm fairly certain people know where to buy me gifts from if they want to.

kahluakoala

Guys, I think the point is pretty clearly that she wants to host as many of her loved ones as possible, so if people can't come, she'd like to have the opportunity to have other loved ones in their absence.

ILoveBeachMusic

KahluaKoala said:

Guys, I think the point is pretty clearly that she wants to host as many of her loved ones as possible, so if people can't come, she'd like to have the opportunity to have other loved ones in their absence.

I think that can be said of every bride and groom; however, reality comes into play. Either venue max or budget max dictates how many people to invite. It doesn't make B listing any less rude.

geebee908

ILoveBeachMusic said:

KahluaKoala said:

Guys, I think the point is pretty clearly that she wants to host as many of her loved ones as possible, so if people can't come, she'd like to have the opportunity to have other loved ones in their absence.

I think that can be said of every bride and groom; however, reality comes into play. Either venue max or budget max dictates how many people to invite. It doesn't make B listing any less rude.

Or over-inviting any less risky.

kahluakoala

geebee908 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

KahluaKoala said:

Guys, I think the point is pretty clearly that she wants to host as many of her loved ones as possible, so if people can't come, she'd like to have the opportunity to have other loved ones in their absence.

I think that can be said of every bride and groom; however, reality comes into play. Either venue max or budget max dictates how many people to invite. It doesn't make B listing any less rude.

Or over-inviting any less risky.

I don't have a strong opinion on this, but let's not act like she's worried about what photos of her half empty room will look like.

DrillSergeantCat

Knottie03547205 said:

"What we really want is all of our friends and family together for our big day, your presence is our present!  For the traditional gift-giver, a contribution to your favorite charity in our honor is a wonderful way to commemorate our special day"- this is not bossy.  Or rude.  I literally own a business that specializes in gifts and home interiors.  I'm fairly certain people know where to buy me gifts from if they want to.

Where are you planning on placing that?

KahluaKoala said:

Guys, I think the point is pretty clearly that she wants to host as many of her loved ones as possible, so if people can't come, she'd like to have the opportunity to have other loved ones in their absence.

Obviously, but then she should have booked a venue that could hold everyone she wants to invite instead of ranking her guests in order of importance. 

floridabride44

Knottie03547205 said:

"What we really want is all of our friends and family together for our big day, your presence is our present!  For the traditional gift-giver, a contribution to your favorite charity in our honor is a wonderful way to commemorate our special day"- this is not bossy.  Or rude.  I literally own a business that specializes in gifts and home interiors.  I'm fairly certain people know where to buy me gifts from if they want to.

Why not just not register, and then when people give you cash (which most people will do if they see you're not registered) you donate it to charity privately?  Why does it have to be a big public "Oh please we don't need money so donate it to CHARITY! We're so NOBLE!"  

ILoveBeachMusic

KahluaKoala said:

geebee908 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

KahluaKoala said:

Guys, I think the point is pretty clearly that she wants to host as many of her loved ones as possible, so if people can't come, she'd like to have the opportunity to have other loved ones in their absence.

I think that can be said of every bride and groom; however, reality comes into play. Either venue max or budget max dictates how many people to invite. It doesn't make B listing any less rude.

Or over-inviting any less risky.

I don't have a strong opinion on this, but let's not act like she's worried about what photos of her half empty room will look like.

Actually some of her comments makes me think that is what she is worried about even though she does say she wants her loved ones there.

SP29

Knottie03547205 said:

We aren't registered and are asking for charity donations instead of gifts.  No one in my life is a prop- why would anyone say that?  This entire thread makes me sad.  I want to have a wedding surrounded by people I love.  If some people can't come, I'd like to add more people I love, it's really quite simple. 

Then all those people you love should be your initial guest list and that is who you invite, to a venue that matches it.

Any guest who receives a STD must get an invitation. It is more than fine to send STDs to only some guests (in fact it is recommended to to send them to VIPs only), but when invitations go out, all guests should receive them at the same time. You also shouldn't require your guests to RSVP so far in advance (the STD is not an invitation, it is a notice- it does not request a response). The big issue you are putting yourself in, is that a guest may tell you now they cannot attend, and then change their mind- you still need to accommodate that guest. Not every guest is going to RSVP so soon anyway, so you may still have further declines down the road that you can't "sub in" for (hence if someone is important enough to be invited to your wedding, they should be budgeted and accounted for in the first place).

We invited 112 guests, 70 attended. Our venue required us to pay a minimum of 50 guests. Probably 40% of our guests were out of town. What did we do? We said, "Too bad so and so can't come, but yay! we are now under budget!". 

One of my dear friends openly admits to B-listing. She doesn't see what's wrong with it either and said, "But there were family members we HAD to invite, so if they said no, then we invited some additional friends". Myself and 2 other friends immediately looked at her quizzically and alarmed, and she knew exactly what we were all thinking because she promptly said, "None of you guys were on the B list!!!". People do care.

bleve0821

Honestly? If you put on your website that you wanted me to donate to charity, I wouldn't do it. I would not write you a check, or write a check for your charity of choice. I donate quite a lot and with unwavering frequency, and I donate to the charities of my choice.

If I knew that the money I gifted you would not be used by you as the gift I intended it to be and would instead go to an organization not of my choosing, you would get no money from me.

You took that choice away.

bumpjanie

You people are nuts.  I cannot imagine how you have spun giving to charity into a negative thing- really, I just can't.  Not everyone has an angle (grabbing for gifts, using people as props, not wanting photographs of an empty room)- it's a little disheartening that's where everyone goes, to the worst possible version of a million possibilities.  I'm done entertaining this.  I look forward to coming back to this post after my wedding and laughing.  So ridiculous.

ILoveBeachMusic

Knottie03547205 said:

You people are nuts.  I cannot imagine how you have spun giving to charity into a negative thing- really, I just can't.  Not everyone has an angle (grabbing for gifts, using people as props, not wanting photographs of an empty room)- it's a little disheartening that's where everyone goes, to the worst possible version of a million possibilities.  I'm done entertaining this.  I look forward to coming back to this post after my wedding and laughing.  So ridiculous.

We haven't spun it into anything. We have tried to explain to you why people would consider it rude. I think @AtomicBlonde gave you a perfect example. You just didn't like any of the answers you received. You wanted everyone to say "oh yes, b-listing is fine, telling your guests to make donations to charity is fine". That isn't going to happen here.