Curious what The Knot thinks about this

GlamQueenBride

I read on another forum about a bride who invited kids to her wedding. She included an insert stating that kids under 10 will get a child's meal of chicken nuggets and fries. Her response card included a meal selection and the couple put down steak for the entire family, including their two kids (ages 3 and 5). Anyway, most of the responses are saying that it's probably an oversight and the couple didn't see that a child's meal was available and that the bride should call the couple and explain that kids get the child's meal. Some are saying she shouldn't even bother calling and just switch it to child's meal for both kids. Yet others are saying that maybe the parents have a genuine reason for not wanting their kids to have a chicken nugget dinner and that the bride and groom should clarify if there was an oversight, but short of that, they should feed the children steak if that's what their parents ordered.

Keep in mind the difference in price is substantial. The steak dinner is nearly $100 per person.

So, I bow to the authority on etiquette. What would you do?

monkeysip

That's kind of a tough one.

We asked the parents whether they wanted a kids meal or adult meal.  The kids were like 4, 6. and 7.  The 4 and 6 chose kids meals, while the parents of the 7 year old chose the adult meal because he's a big boy who eats a lot (totally fine).

BUT the price difference was marginal.  

I'd probably call and clarify with the parents, and if they really wanted the steak dinner, just let them have it.  Or ask if they wanted to split one (seems super unlikely a 3 and 5 year old could each polish off a steak meal).  It's only 2 kids and TO ME not worth the argument though.

STARMOON44

I think it's rude to offer a lovely dinner to some of your guests and chicken nuggets and fries are the only option for others. Offering a children's meal is a nice thing to do. Refusing to let them have other food because it is expensive isn't good hosting. 

SP29

I think it's perfectly acceptable for parents to decide that they do not want to feed their kids chicken fingers and french fries and they would prefer the adult meal. Maybe they never feed their children chicken fingers and french fries. Maybe their kids are used to going to more "adult" restaurants and eating just the same as their parents do.

As the B&G, I would probably call and confirm that they do want the adult meals, but I wouldn't think twice about it.

Agree with Starmoon- the kids meal is a nice gesture, but it shouldn't be the only option.

OurWildKingdom

monkeysip said:

That's kind of a tough one.

We asked the parents whether they wanted a kids meal or adult meal.  The kids were like 4, 6. and 7.  The 4 and 6 chose kids meals, while the parents of the 7 year old chose the adult meal because he's a big boy who eats a lot (totally fine).

BUT the price difference was marginal.  

I'd probably call and clarify with the parents, and if they really wanted the steak dinner, just let them have it.  Or ask if they wanted to split one (seems super unlikely a 3 and 5 year old could each polish off a steak meal).  It's only 2 kids and TO ME not worth the argument though.

Appetites do vary from kid to kid. My 6-year-old niece couldn't finish a steak dinner (and probably wouldn't eat one in any case; I think she's a budding vegetarian), but my nephew at that age would have finished it and asked for more. And if they're in a growth spurt, all bets are off.

charlotte989875

I'd call and clarify. My neice would without a doubt prefer steak to chicken fingers, but her brother would eat anything. 

If the parents say they want the steak I would pay for them. Yes, it's more expensive but if there is only one option for children I think you need to be wiling to serve them what they prefer. 

jacques27

I saw the post you are referring to.  I was honestly appalled by some of the responses about "How dare they (the parents)" and "just put them down for chicken" and "that's so rude and the kids shouldn't be given a choice and won't know the difference".  The children are guests, too, and should be treated as such.  I saw a lot of narrow-mindedness on that thread about how children wouldn't appreciate it and don't even like steak, as if children are incapable of knowing when they are being treated as second-class or liking food that didn't come from McDonald's.  I know many children with more varied food preferences than some of my adult friends and my cousin refuses to give her children fast food or fried food.  Some of my adult friends and family would gladly choose chicken fingers and fries over anything else while some kids in my family would prefer steak and veggies.  The children's meal is a nice option to offer, but it should be an option, not forced upon them, especially if it's drastically different from what everyone else is served.

Personally, I would probably call to verify (maybe they didn't see the children's meal option) and if the parents still say their children would prefer steak then go with it (but I would absolutely not mention cost or try to persuade them one way or another).  Then I'd see if the caterer will do a child's portion for a discount.  But if you can't afford to treat all of your guests fairly, including children, then you should cut your guest list and not include children. 

monkeysip

OurWildKingdom said:

monkeysip said:

That's kind of a tough one.

We asked the parents whether they wanted a kids meal or adult meal.  The kids were like 4, 6. and 7.  The 4 and 6 chose kids meals, while the parents of the 7 year old chose the adult meal because he's a big boy who eats a lot (totally fine).

BUT the price difference was marginal.  

I'd probably call and clarify with the parents, and if they really wanted the steak dinner, just let them have it.  Or ask if they wanted to split one (seems super unlikely a 3 and 5 year old could each polish off a steak meal).  It's only 2 kids and TO ME not worth the argument though.

Appetites do vary from kid to kid. My 6-year-old niece couldn't finish a steak dinner (and probably wouldn't eat one in any case; I think she's a budding vegetarian), but my nephew at that age would have finished it and asked for more. And if they're in a growth spurt, all bets are off.

My daughter (2) can eat a lot too, so I totally get it, I was just imagining a really big steak meal that even an adult might have difficulty finishing, so a 3 & 5 year old could share.  But like I said, I would just ask the parents and wouldn't fight them on it.  Whatever their preference.

AddieCake

STARMOON44 said:

I think it's rude to offer a lovely dinner to some of your guests and chicken nuggets and fries are the only option for others. Offering a children's meal is a nice thing to do. Refusing to let them have other food because it is expensive isn't good hosting. 

100 %. 

lovegood90

I know this is the wrong answer and etiquette can curse me to hell, but there's no effing way I'd be feeding a 3 year old a $100 steak.

If people on here can say "I know it's incorrect etiquette but I'm not giving a 20 year old living at home their own invitation, because that's pointless and a waste of money," well...this is even more so IMO.

That being said, I do think it's strange that there's only one option for kids. 


*dodges tomatoes*

climbingsingle

I think there's a big difference between offering a kids meal, and forcing that kids meal on every kid attending. The parents should get to choose for their kids. Not every kids likes chicken nuggets. 

redoryx

If a couple doesn't want/can't afford to spend $100 per meal for all guests then they should have picked a cheaper entree. 

I know some toddlers with better palates than adults who will not eat chicken nuggets and fries and they especially won't eat it when they see their parents eating a steak. It's one thing to offer a kid's meal but forcing them to eat it because the couple are too cheap to pay for the same meal for everyone, regardless of age, is bad hosting. 

AddieCake

lovegood90 said:

I know this is the wrong answer and etiquette can curse me to hell, but there's no effing way I'd be feeding a 3 year old a $100 steak.

If people on here can say "I know it's incorrect etiquette but I'm not giving a 20 year old living at home their own invitation, because that's pointless and a waste of money," well...this is even more so IMO.

That being said, I do think it's strange that there's only one option for kids. 


*dodges tomatoes*

So you would force a kid to either eat the nuggets or go hungry if he likes and would actually eat steak? 

STARMOON44

lovegood90 said:

I know this is the wrong answer and etiquette can curse me to hell, but there's no effing way I'd be feeding a 3 year old a $100 steak.

If people on here can say "I know it's incorrect etiquette but I'm not giving a 20 year old living at home their own invitation, because that's pointless and a waste of money," well...this is even more so IMO.

That being said, I do think it's strange that there's only one option for kids. 


*dodges tomatoes*

Probably best not to invite a three year old to your party then. 

charlotte989875

STARMOON44 said:

lovegood90 said:

I know this is the wrong answer and etiquette can curse me to hell, but there's no effing way I'd be feeding a 3 year old a $100 steak.

If people on here can say "I know it's incorrect etiquette but I'm not giving a 20 year old living at home their own invitation, because that's pointless and a waste of money," well...this is even more so IMO.

That being said, I do think it's strange that there's only one option for kids. 


*dodges tomatoes*

Probably best not to invite a three year old to your party then. 

This exactly. If you don't want to pay for children then don't invite them. 

db1984

My son and I were both in a wedding less than a month after he turned 3.  We both had the adult meals, he finished his entire dinner (steak) and about 1/4 of mine.  That kid ate things at 2 years old that I would never eat (eggplant, calamari, brussels sprouts, blech).  Can't judge what someone will/won't/shouldn't like based on their age.

ScottishSarah

We have offered all parents (regardless of the age of their kids) the option of adult menu, half portion of adult menu, or simplified menu of soup and chicken with gravy and veg.  

I think kids should have options, they are just little people, not second class citizens lol!  When I was a kid I was always hungry.  My parents stopped giving me the kids menu from 9 years old.  I could eat a whole crab, bread, salad, and a steak and chips at the age of 10 and would still have room for dessert!  

I went on a class trip once and we were served tiny portions of frozen chicken nuggets etc and I was so unhappy.  I cried and wanted to go home, not because I missed my mummy but because I was so hungry!

ScottishSarah

Oh and a medium rare steak of course!

ILoveBeachMusic

I would definitely clarify with the parents but go with however they answer. I know some 2 year olds would eat steak, but I think they would be in the minority. I can definitely seeing a 5 year old eating a steak. Like I said, just make sure the parents saw the children's option. It is weird that they didn't have other options. I think DD had 3 options for kids and they only had the RB, FG and FG's brother to feed.

ernursej

I would never have thought to serve a different option to kids. I grew up in a household that whatever was for dinner was served to all individuals at the table. I could see decreasing the portion (i.e. one adult steak portion covers 2 kids) but I think it is rude to have a situation that age = type of meal.

lovesclimbing

ernursej said:

I would never have thought to serve a different option to kids. I grew up in a household that whatever was for dinner was served to all individuals at the table. I could see decreasing the portion (i.e. one adult steak portion covers 2 kids) but I think it is rude to have a situation that age = type of meal.

I completely agree. I was quite surprised when I began babysitting in high school and the parents served the kids Spider-Man-shaped mac and cheese while the parents ate a regular meal. In our house, everyone ate the same thing. There was no difference. Once in awhile, mom did make Mac and cheese for dinner, although it was homemade, not the box stuff, and everyone ate it (along with salad). Even when we were babies, my mom had a hand-crank baby food maker. The babies veggie was the same as everyone else ate. If we had broccoli, broccoli was ground up for the baby. If we had peas, it was peas for the baby. 

Sure, give the parents a call to make sure they know their kids have another option, but if the kids want the regular meal, give them the regular meal.

drunkenwitch

I know some kids who get super excited when I come over tobthe house for dinner because it means I'll be making my thai peanut sauce recipe. They eat what their parent's eat and they would choose pad thai or spinach salad or quinoa gratin over chicken nuggets any day of the week. So the whole "children only eat hot dogs and chicken nuggets" is bullshit.

That said, the majority of small children do eat a lot less than adults. Yes, these kids eat a huge variety of foods but they are also half the portion the adults eat. I honestly wouldn't see anything wrong with offering a kids selection that had exactly what the adults were eating but a smaller portion.  Oh sure, there is always the small child who is the exception, but that's pretty rare.

ei34

The kids at my wedding were offered the same entrees as the adults, as well as chicken fingers and fries, sliders and fries, or spaghetti and meatballs.  When I passed by the kids table at one point, most had ordered a kids' option but a couple went with "adult" food.  
Off topic but I'll never understand having to select your meal option in advance.  How do I know what I want six or eight weeks from now?  It's got to be an out-of-state thing because the only two times I had to do it were OOS weddings.  In NYC and Long Island you just choose night of.

OurWildKingdom

eileenrob said:

The kids at my wedding were offered the same entrees as the adults, as well as chicken fingers and fries, sliders and fries, or spaghetti and meatballs.  When I passed by the kids table at one point, most had ordered a kids' option but a couple went with "adult" food.  
Off topic but I'll never understand having to select your meal option in advance.  How do I know what I want six or eight weeks from now?  It's got to be an out-of-state thing because the only two times I had to do it were OOS weddings.  In NYC and Long Island you just choose night of.

Most of the weddings I've been to were buffets, but whenever there was a plated dinner, meal choice was always requested with the RSVP. 

STARMOON44

eileenrob said:

The kids at my wedding were offered the same entrees as the adults, as well as chicken fingers and fries, sliders and fries, or spaghetti and meatballs.  When I passed by the kids table at one point, most had ordered a kids' option but a couple went with "adult" food.  
Off topic but I'll never understand having to select your meal option in advance.  How do I know what I want six or eight weeks from now?  It's got to be an out-of-state thing because the only two times I had to do it were OOS weddings.  In NYC and Long Island you just choose night of.

I don't think so. I order in advance all the time in NYC. You just pick what you like most. 

themosthappy91

eileenrob said:

The kids at my wedding were offered the same entrees as the adults, as well as chicken fingers and fries, sliders and fries, or spaghetti and meatballs.  When I passed by the kids table at one point, most had ordered a kids' option but a couple went with "adult" food.  
Off topic but I'll never understand having to select your meal option in advance.  How do I know what I want six or eight weeks from now?  It's got to be an out-of-state thing because the only two times I had to do it were OOS weddings.  In NYC and Long Island you just choose night of.

Interesting, I literally have never heard of getting to pick your entree when you get there! How does the kitchen know how much of what to have? Do they just keep enough of everything on hand to feed every guest at all times?

Anyway, I think most people have one thing they know they are going to like better in general. It's not like going out to dinner where you have ten menu items and you might be tempted to pick this or that based on your mood- generally people know if they like steak or chicken better and just go with their overall favorite. I know I'd rather be eating steak than chicken two months from now!

OurWildKingdom

themosthappy91 said:

eileenrob said:

The kids at my wedding were offered the same entrees as the adults, as well as chicken fingers and fries, sliders and fries, or spaghetti and meatballs.  When I passed by the kids table at one point, most had ordered a kids' option but a couple went with "adult" food.  
Off topic but I'll never understand having to select your meal option in advance.  How do I know what I want six or eight weeks from now?  It's got to be an out-of-state thing because the only two times I had to do it were OOS weddings.  In NYC and Long Island you just choose night of.

Interesting, I literally have never heard of getting to pick your entree when you get there! How does the kitchen know how much of what to have? Do they just keep enough of everything on hand to feed every guest at all times?

Anyway, I think most people have one thing they know they are going to like better in general. It's not like going out to dinner where you have ten menu items and you might be tempted to pick this or that based on your mood- generally people know if they like steak or chicken better and just go with their overall favorite. I know I'd rather be eating steak than chicken two months from now!

It's also helpful for people with special diets (kosher, vegetarian, diabetic, etc.) Helpful to the kitchen too, I would think; it means they're not scrambling to find an extra vegetarian risotto at the last minute. 

ei34

themosthappy91 said:

eileenrob said:

The kids at my wedding were offered the same entrees as the adults, as well as chicken fingers and fries, sliders and fries, or spaghetti and meatballs.  When I passed by the kids table at one point, most had ordered a kids' option but a couple went with "adult" food.  
Off topic but I'll never understand having to select your meal option in advance.  How do I know what I want six or eight weeks from now?  It's got to be an out-of-state thing because the only two times I had to do it were OOS weddings.  In NYC and Long Island you just choose night of.

Interesting, I literally have never heard of getting to pick your entree when you get there! How does the kitchen know how much of what to have? Do they just keep enough of everything on hand to feed every guest at all times?

Anyway, I think most people have one thing they know they are going to like better in general. It's not like going out to dinner where you have ten menu items and you might be tempted to pick this or that based on your mood- generally people know if they like steak or chicken better and just go with their overall favorite. I know I'd rather be eating steak than chicken two months from now!

I'm not positive how it works in the kitchen, but I imagine they just have enough of everything on hand.  And the weddings I attend do feel a bit like going to a restaurant...I usually have my pick of 6-10 entrees.  A lot of family weddings are at a place in Queens that offers 11 entrees.  So it's not as simple as picking what you like most 6-8 weeks out...day of I might want the filet mignon or the vegetarian dish or something else that catches my eye. 

The two OOS weddings that I had to select in advance, it was only 3 choices, and it was easier to decide, simply bc I don't eat seafood and rarely eat chicken.

DrillSergeantCat

I'm just in awe that a steak dinner is $100 a plate. We're offering an option of steak and chicken and with all the appetizers and the chocolate fountain it's less than $37 a person. I'd have a hard time offering a $100 meal to a 3 year old too, but then again I'd have an equally difficult time offering it at all. 

flantastic

10 month old DD had steak, hummus, risotto, asparagus, and squash this weekend, among other things. By the time she's 7? Who knows? She may prefer chicken nuggets. But I think if she is invited as a guest to a party, we should have the choice. It is nice to offer the option, and while it would not be rude to feed the whole guest list chicken nuggets, it would be rude to force it on only one subset of the guests.

SaintPaulGal

To the original question: You don't have to have kids at your wedding.  If you only want to host the adults, just invite the adults.  But don't invite the kids and treat them like shit.

Personally, I never ate a single "chicken nugget" until school lunch in middle school when they were on the menu and I had no other choice.  My parents didn't eat that junk so I didn't either.  It was incredibly rare that I had fries; I had fresh veggies from the garden, pureed into baby food before I could chew and then served on a plate like everyone else once I had a full set of teeth.  I remember one time when I was very young, probably about 4, when I absolutely insisted that we buy fresh squid at the grocery store because it was something I had never seen in the seafood case in our small-ish town before.  I would have been confused and offended if everyone else at the wedding was served real food and I had a plate of fried garbage.  Honestly my mom is super great so she probably would have wound up giving me half of hers and going hungry herself.

I think serving a smaller portion to little ones might be a reasonable solution.  A 30 pound toddler isn't going to pack away an entire 16 ounce sirloin.  But a 5 year old might be just fine with a 6 ounce petite filet.  It really depends on the kid and the food.  Asking the parents best/only way to know.